On Monday after her finance work, with her kids safely under Ian’s care, Annie drove to her parents’ home in a suburban Atlanta neighborhood. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been there. As she approached the two-story brick house nestled on a wooded lot, she prayed even though she wasn’t sure what to pray for. Her parents had disowned her. They’d seen Kara once and didn’t know Spencer. Would grandchildren soften her parents’ hearts?
Annie parked her car in the drive. Holding on to the steering wheel, she sat there for a few minutes and said another prayer. Lord, give me Your peace no matter how my parents react to my visit.
Annie took a deep breath as she rang the doorbell. Her pulse pounded all over her body as she waited for someone to answer the door. For a moment, she hoped no one was home. When the door opened, Marcia Payton stood there still dressed in her business suit, her dark hair coiffed to perfection. The only thing missing was her business smile.
“What are you doing here, Annie?” Marcia said, her expression unwelcoming.
Annie swallowed the lump in her throat. “I was hoping we could talk.”
Marcia narrowed her gaze. “If you’re here to ask for money, we have nothing to talk about.”
Her mother’s response was not unexpected, but it still pierced Annie’s heart. She had brought this reaction on herself, but she wanted to show her mother the new Annie. Would her mother listen? “I’m not here about money. I have Kara and Spencer back, and I thought you might like to meet your grandchildren.”
“If that’s what you want, I suppose you can come in.” Marcia stepped aside.
As Annie glanced around she realized her mother had done a complete renovation of the decor. “I like what you’ve done.”
“Thanks.” Her mother actually smiled.
“Who’s at the door?” Richard Payton’s voice boomed from the back of the house.
Annie swallowed hard as her father appeared in the front hall.
Marcia looked back. “Annie’s here.”
Richard charged toward the door waving a hand in the air. “What do you think you’re doing coming here? I won’t have a drunk and drug addict in my house. Get out.”
Marcia put a hand on her husband’s arm. “Richard, please. She’s sober—”
“Don’t try to defend her. She’s brought nothing but trouble on herself and this family. She doesn’t belong here.” Richard turned and glared at Annie as he shook a finger at her. “Get out of here. I don’t want to see you again.”
Annie blinked and pressed her lips together, trying hard not to let her father’s angry tones make her cry. She gathered her courage. “Dad, I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve changed—”
Richard opened the door. “That’s what you want us to believe, but we know you always slip back into your old ways. If you don’t leave, I’ll call the police.”
Annie looked over at her mother, but Annie would get no help from that corner. Her father had always intimidated even her usually strong-willed mother. Annie cast one last glance in her mother’s direction and read the sadness in her eyes. Forcing herself not to run, Annie walked to her car with her head held high. She backed out of the driveway and drove away without giving in to the urge to look back. She would not give her father the satisfaction.
A block away, she pulled the car to the curb, laid her forehead against the steering wheel and sobbed. She’d had such high hopes that her parents would want to get to know their grandchildren. Instead, they wanted nothing to do with any of them. When she returned home, Ian would ask what happened. How could she possibly tell him?
* * *
Ian’s first experience with babysitting was going well. He’d picked up Kara and Spencer from day care without any problem. They had seemed eager to go with him, especially when he suggested they visit Ms. Cora. The kids had been a hit with the seniors when Annie and he had taken them for a visit. With each passing day, Annie and her children were more a part of his life than he’d ever imagined.
After Ian and the children visited the assisted-living center, they had headed to Annie’s apartment. He’d placed an order for their pizzas while visiting the seniors and it arrived just minutes after they got to the apartment. He congratulated himself on heads-up thinking. The kids ate their pizza like champs, but Spencer had more sauce on his face than he did in his stomach.
After they ate and the last dish was in the dishwasher and the last crumb wiped from the table, Ian escorted the kids into the living room. What did he do with them now? Play games?
Kara quickly rescued him. “Mommy always reads us stories after we eat. Will you read to us?’
“Sure. Get your books.”
Kara raced away with Spencer trailing behind. She returned with a stack of books that she could barely carry. Had Annie checked out the whole children’s section from the library?
The little girl held out a book to him. “Read this one first.”
Ian recognized it as one Annie had read during the transitional meeting. He remembered how she’d read with so much expression. He didn’t think he could come close to her flair for reading, but he would give it his best shot. “You like this story?”
Kara nodded. “So does Spencer. He laughs when Mommy reads it.”
Ian grimaced. He had a tough act to follow. “Okay, kids, up on the sofa.”
With the children on either side of him, Ian read the book about the pigeon and the bus and considered it a moderate success when Spencer let out a little laugh. Then Kara handed him another book from the stack. He wondered whether he would get through the books before Annie returned.
Kara snuggled close as Ian read more books. When he finished the sixth book, she looked up at him with her sweet little smile and eyes so much like Annie’s. “I like it when you read books to us. Could you be our daddy, because me and Spencer don’t have one?”
Kara might as well have punched Ian in the gut. Her question took the breath right out of him. How could he answer? Could he make things work with Annie again? Could she love him? He didn’t want to encourage a little girl’s hope or put unattainable dreams in her heart, but he didn’t want to make her feel unwanted. Did he have the courage for a little girl’s sake to talk to Annie about where they might fit into each other’s future? But how could he move forward with her when he’d been the one to report her to DFCS?
His niggling doubts about whether Annie could follow through, his fear of being rejected and hurt again and his lack of courage kept him from broaching the subject. They’d established a tentative friendship. Shouldn’t he leave it at that?
So what was he going to say? This was not the kind of trouble he’d anticipated when he’d agreed to watch Annie’s kids. While he tried to come up with something to say, the door opened. Annie walked into the apartment, and the kids jumped up to greet her. Saved by Annie’s return.
Hunkering down, she hugged them. They talked over each other as they told her about their evening. She looked at him over the tops of their heads and smiled. His heart bumped against his ribs. Despite her smile, he was pretty sure she’d been crying. Her visit must not have gone well.
She stood. “Will you help me put the kids to bed, then we can talk?”
“Sure.” He followed her back to the children’s bedroom.
After the kids said their prayers and Annie tucked them into bed, Ian went out to the living room with Annie. “So what happened?”
Closing her eyes, she pressed her fingertips to her mouth. Finally she dropped her hand to her side. “I can’t talk about it right now. Tell me how you and the kids got along.”
Ian wished he could take away the hurt in Annie’s eyes. Maybe honoring her request not to talk about it was the best thing he could do. Should he try to lighten her mood with a few quips about her kids, or would that make her feel worse? “The evening went pretty well. The pizza was a hit, but you should’ve seen Spencer. He had sauce all over his face.”
“You did a good job cleaning him up.” Annie gave him a hesitant smile as they stood facing each other in the center of the living room.
She was putting on a brave face, and that soft spot for her in his heart grew wider. He swallowed hard. “Are you ready to talk about seeing your parents?”
She pressed her lips together and closed her eyes. When she finally opened them, she took a deep breath. “It didn’t go well. I barely made it past the door. As soon as my father saw me, he started to yell, while my mom stood there, just looking at me like I had two heads. They hate me.”
“How could anyone hate you?”
“Didn’t you hate me?”
Ian placed his hands on Annie’s shoulders. “I’ve never hated you, Annie. You hurt me. You made me very angry, but I never hated you.”
Tears streamed down Annie’s cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I’ve hurt everyone.”
“You know I’ve forgiven you.” Ian wiped Annie’s tears with his thumb. She looked up at him as a sob escaped. He pulled her into his arms and held her. Unlike that day in court when she’d hugged him with thankfulness, tonight she needed comfort. He wanted to give her comfort, but he didn’t know how to take away her sorrow.
He stepped back for a moment and gazed down at her tear-streaked face. There was only one thing he wanted to do. He pulled her into his arms again and kissed her. Nothing in the world mattered except Annie. She clung to him. He deepened the kiss. All his renewed feelings for the woman who had once been his wife bubbled up in that kiss. Then he came to his senses. He couldn’t let this happen.
He ended the kiss and stepped back so fast that he almost stumbled over his own feet. He held up his hands. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’d better go.”
Annie stared at him. “Don’t leave without talking about this. You can’t just kiss me and run out. I thought we were friends.”
Ian gazed at the floor, afraid to look her in the eye. “That kiss wasn’t about being friends. It wasn’t right. My thoughts weren’t right. I can’t stay. Good night, Annie.”
Ian rushed out of the apartment. He didn’t want to leave her without a better explanation. He’d abandoned her when she was hurting, but he was afraid to stay. Afraid he would have hurt her more if he had stayed. She’d responded to his kiss in the most inviting way. The attraction between them was as fresh as those early days of their relationship.
The kiss had shaken him to his very core. All the years he’d spent loving her, and all the years he’d spent trying to forget her, had come rushing back at him like a huge tidal wave. One kiss had opened up his heart, and the gamut of emotions he’d bottled up inside for too long had poured over him. How could he deal with the mix of feelings? Hurt. Guilt. Anger. Love.
Love.
Yes, love. He’d been trying to run from it, but he couldn’t deny it any longer. But he wasn’t ready yet to face the reality of his feelings for Annie. Their love had brought them both a lot of heartache. Could things be different now?
* * *
The following Thursday Annie headed to the store, where she hoped to quickly pick up a few groceries. She wanted to have Kara and Spencer ready for bed by the time Ian came to babysit. How would Ian act tonight after the way he’d left on Monday? He hadn’t backed out of babysitting, so she could take her cooking lesson from his mother. Annie was grateful for that.
Annie remembered his kiss. She’d wanted more, and he wouldn’t talk about it. Where did that leave them? What did it mean that he had practically run out of her apartment? Was he running from his feelings, or had he decided they could never recapture the love they’d once shared?
Lost in her thoughts, Annie walked across the parking lot, the staccato tap of her heels accenting the buzz of rush-hour traffic on the nearby street. The heat from the day radiated off the blacktop.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t my Annie Payton.”
Annie jerked her head up at the sound of the familiar voice. “What are you doing here, Jesse?”
“I’m here to check on you. I saw you out with your do-gooder ex-husband. Trying to take him down again?” The sneer on Jesse’s face curdled Annie’s stomach.
“He’s twice the man you’ll ever be. Go away, Jesse.” Annie’s stomach churned as she looked at his disheveled appearance. Is that what she used to look like?
He laughed, his breath reeking of alcohol. He moved closer and grabbed her arm. “That’s not what you used to say. How about you and me going out to party tonight? Remember the good times we used to have?”
She jerked away. How had she ever lived with Jesse? How had she allowed herself to be a smelly drunk like him? She gritted her teeth. “If you don’t leave now, I’m going to scream. I’ll call the police. Get away from me.”
He took a step back but stared at her with those bloodshot brown eyes. “I have rights. I want to see my kids.”
“You’ve had plenty of time to see your kids, but you never did. You never paid a cent to support them. If I have my way, they’ll never know you exist.” Annie prayed he’d go away. She hoped he couldn’t see how much her legs trembled.
“Give me some money, and I won’t bother you again.”
“I don’t have money to give you. Even if I did I wouldn’t give you anything. Get out of here before I scream.” Annie saw a couple approaching from the far end of the parking lot. Jesse had seen them, too.
“This isn’t the last you’ve heard of me. I’ll be back.” He turned and staggered across the parking lot.
Shaking, Annie leaned against a nearby car and took several deep breaths. How had he found her? When had he seen her with Ian? Was he stalking her? The questions rifled through her brain. She didn’t want to wind up like the women in her study group who had fled from men who stalked and abused them. Jesse had never scared her before, but now he did.
When she regained her composure, she drove back to The Village. She’d been so rattled and wanted to get away from there so fast that she’d forgotten to go into the store. Should she tell someone about this? What would Ian think if he found out? Annie definitely didn’t want her caseworker to get wind of the incident. The woman seemed to have it in for her and would probably use it to show the court that she wasn’t a fit mother. Annie couldn’t let that happen. Despite her fear of Jesse, she would have to keep this incident to herself.
Jesse was a drunk. He only wanted money so he could buy more booze. Annie remembered being desperate like that. She tried to shake the awful image away—the image of her stealing from Ian. Jesse was a reflection of what Annie used to be. Stopping at the traffic light, she put her hand over her mouth to stifle a sob. She could hardly wait to hug her kids.
* * *
Ian punched in the code to enter Annie’s apartment building. He took a deep breath and slowly released it as he knocked on her door. He wasn’t sure how she would receive him since he’d run away after kissing her. He wasn’t sure how to deal with the situation, so he’d decided to take the coward’s way out and say nothing. He would pretend nothing had happened, and he hoped she would leave as soon as she gave him the instructions regarding her kids.
When the door opened, Kara and Spencer enveloped him in hugs before Annie could say hello. At least the kids were glad to see him. He hoped that boded well for the evening. He nodded to Annie as he laid his book on the coffee table and scooped the kids up, one under each arm and trotted around the living room while the kids giggled.
“I hope you know what you’re doing.” Annie stood there with her hands on her hips and irritation on her face.
Ian stopped and deposited the kids, who were already in their pajamas, on the sofa. “We were having a little fun.”
“Don’t get them too riled up or they won’t go to sleep.” She pointed to a paper on the coffee table. “Instructions for tonight. Call me if you have a problem. I’m off.”
“Don’t burn anything.” He grinned, hoping to make the moment light.
She gave him an annoyed look. “Your smart-aleck remarks won’t win you any prizes.”
“But my great babysitting talents will.” He still hoped to get a smile out of her. What was he thinking? He’d hoped she would leave as soon as he stepped inside. Now he was trying to flirt with her. He was a mess.
“I wouldn’t count on that, either.” She bent down and gave Kara and Spencer each a hug and kiss. “Kids, please be good for Mr. Ian and do what he says.”
“I’m sure they will.”
Without another word, she left.
She was obviously as eager to get away as he’d hoped she would be when he’d arrived, but now that she was gone he wished she’d come back. He should be thankful, because being with her brought back all the feelings from Monday night. That had been a disaster. Why had he succumbed to the temptation to kiss her? It couldn’t be undone, so he shouldn’t think about it. But he couldn’t forget, and he couldn’t let it happen again.
A little hand tugged on his arm. He looked down. Kara stared up at him. Some babysitter he was. He’d almost forgotten the kids. “Is it games or books tonight?”
“Books.” Kara raced away to her room again as she’d done on Monday night.
Ian picked up the instructions Annie had left. Even looking at her perfect handwriting had him thinking about stuff he shouldn’t be thinking about. This whole scenario fit the Apostle Paul’s words in Romans. “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” If there ever was a scripture that fit him, this was it.
He released a harsh breath determined to concentrate on two small children instead of one petite woman. He studied the instructions. Story time. Brush teeth. Prayers. Bedtime. He could handle this.
Kara came back into the room with her stack of books. This time she placed them on the coffee table, then hopped up on the sofa. “You pick the first book.”
Was this a test? Would she be happy with his choice? He shook his head as he grabbed a book. Why was he worrying about whether she liked his choice? It mattered because she mattered to him. In such a short time, Annie’s kids had come to mean a lot to him. He didn’t know he could feel this way. Swallowing hard, he picked up Spencer and put him on the sofa.
When Ian opened the book, Kara gazed up at him. “I like that one.”
“Good.” He looked over at Spencer. “You like this one, too?”
Spencer nodded, and Ian began the story about the princess and the frog. After he’d read the books in Kara’s stack, he stood up. “That’s it for story time tonight. The next on your mom’s agenda is brushing your teeth. So off to the bathroom.”
“Ah, do we have to?” Kara wrinkled her nose. “Mommy sometimes lets us watch a show.”
“That was not on your mom’s list.”
Kara scooted off the sofa and went to the TV stand and pulled a video off the shelf. “See. Here’s a good one.”
Ian examined the case. Doreen Montgomery was written across the top. So his mom had given Annie some movies the granddaughters had outgrown. It was one of those fairy tales like the books he’d read tonight with the happy endings. He put the video back on the shelf. “It may be good, but you won’t be watching it. It’s time to brush your teeth.”
Kara pouted, but she headed toward the bathroom with Spencer following. Grateful for her cooperation, Ian didn’t know what he would’ve done if she’d refused. After they’d brushed their teeth and said their prayers, Ian tucked them into bed. As he pulled the covers under Kara’s little chin, she gazed up at him. “If you marry our mom, you can be our daddy. I’d like that. Then we can live happily ever after. I think she likes you a lot. Can you marry her?”
There it was again. A little girl’s wish. Last time Annie had rescued him from Kara’s question. That wasn’t going to happen tonight. He had to come up with some kind of answer.
“Only if she asks me.” How would Kara respond?
Kara smiled. “I’ll tell her to ask you.”
Turning off the light, Ian wondered if Kara would actually do that, and what would Annie say about it? “Good night, kids.”
“Good night,” the tiny voices chorused.
With Kara’s words floating through his mind, Ian went back into the living room and plopped down on the sofa. The little girl had been watching too many princess movies where they always lived happily ever after. Did that happen in real life? His parents had been married for over thirty-five years. His brothers’ marriages were going strong after ten years. They all seemed happy. Guess he was the black sheep of the family, but then he’d always known that.
“Mr. Ian?”
Ian looked up to find Kara standing at the edge of the living room. “I forgot to tell you thank you for reading to me.”
“You’re welcome, Kara. Now back to bed.”
The child turned and traipsed back down the hall. Ian suspected that he would see her a few more times before she finally went to sleep. He hoped she didn’t disturb Spencer.
Sure enough. A couple minutes later, Kara reappeared. “I forgot to put my books away.”
“That’s okay. You might wake up Spencer if you put them away now.”
“But Mommy says I should always put my things away.”
Ian nodded. “That’s a good rule, but I’ll explain to her when she gets home.”
“Okay.” Kara slowly retraced her steps to the bedroom.
Ian hoped Kara was asleep by the time Annie returned. He didn’t want her to think he was a terrible babysitter. The book he’d brought to read after the kids went to bed lay on the coffee table beside the children’s books, but he wasn’t sure he could concentrate enough to read it. His thoughts were filled with the laughter of two little kids and the pretty face of their mother. Lord, what do You want me to do about Annie?
Kara interrupted Ian’s prayer. “I need a drink.”
“Okay.” Ian went into the kitchen with Kara and gave her a glass of water. When the child had finished drinking, he set the glass on the counter and looked at her. “Do you want me to get into trouble with your mom?” Kara shook her head. Ian hunkered down to her level. “Then you’re going to have to go to bed and stay there. Can you do that?”
Kara nodded as Ian accompanied her down the hall and stood in the doorway while she got into bed. As he returned to the living room, he hoped his request would work to keep her in bed. Sitting on the sofa, he picked up his book again and opened it. He’d gone through a whole page before he realized he couldn’t remember a thing he’d read.
Before he could start the page over, he heard a key in the door. Ian closed the book and stood as Annie walked in. A slow cooker in her arms, she went straight to the kitchen. She set it on the counter and turned to look at him. “Will you stay while I bring more stuff in?”
“Sure.” He didn’t have a chance to say another thing as she rushed out the door.
She returned carrying two plastic grocery bags loaded with something that smelled delicious.
“Do you need help?” He joined her in the kitchen.
She shook her head. “Got it under control. Your mother is an amazing cook. I hope I can cook half as well as she does when I’m finished with these lessons.”
“I’m glad everything went well.”
“I have meals for the rest of the week. No rushing home from work and trying to figure out what to fix for dinner.” Annie put several freezer bags filled with food into the freezer, then turned to him. “How were the kids?”
“Good. We read lots of books.” He pointed to the books on the table. “Kara was worried you’d be upset that she didn’t put them away. One of her many excuses for getting out of bed.”
Annie laughed. “I should’ve warned you about that.”
“I was prepared. My brothers told me that happened with their kids.” Ian stood there trying to figure out what he should do. She was talking to him as if nothing had happened between them the last time he babysat. She’d wanted to talk about it then. Would she want to discuss it now? He took a deep breath. “Can we talk?”
“About what?”
“About the way I left the last time I was here.”
“Sure.” She tilted her head up to look at him. “What do you have to say?”
“I shouldn’t have run off. I didn’t know how to deal with what happened. I still don’t.” He was making a mess of this. Why hadn’t he thought through what he was going to say? Did he dare tell her the incident had scared him? That probably wouldn’t come across well. She wasn’t going easy on him, either. She just stared at him. “What do you think?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yeah, or I wouldn’t have asked.”
Annie pointed at him then back at herself and then at him again. “Even after all this time and all the bad stuff, there’s still something between us.”
Ian swallowed hard. She didn’t fear speaking the truth. “What do you want to do about it?”
“What do you want to do about it?” She was throwing the decision back on him.
Why not? He was the one who had brought it up again, and he was the one who had started everything with that kiss. Kara’s wish floated through his mind. If you marry our mom, you can be our daddy. I’d like that. Was that why he’d brought up what happened the other night? “I wish I knew it could be a good thing.”
“There’s only one way to find out.” Annie’s gaze didn’t waver as she stared at him. “We have to work on the relationship—get to really know one another again.”
“We have to build the relationship on the right kinds of things this time.”
“And you’re willing to do that?” Incredulity etched itself across Annie’s features.
Is that what he wanted? “Yes.”
“Even with all my baggage and kids that belong to another man?”
“I love your kids.” And you, too. He wasn’t ready to tell Annie that even though it was evident he still did.
“Then how do we go about this?”
“We’ve already started—dominoes, bridge, visiting churches, even working on the finances together. But maybe we should go on a real date—just the two of us.”
Annie smiled. “I’d like that.”
“I’m pretty sure my parents will babysit. They’re pushing for our reconciliation.”
Annie grimaced. “Is that a good idea? If things don’t work out, won’t they be disappointed? I’d rather we keep this to ourselves.”
“You might be right. I’ll leave the babysitter up to you.” So Annie wasn’t sure about her feelings—the same as he was. They had to figure this out together. One day at a time. That’s how he had to view this attempt to rebuild their relationship. She was willing to go out on a date. That had to be enough for now.
“I can trade with one of my neighbors.”
“Okay.” Ian tried not to let Annie’s cautious view of their plans change his perspective. “When do you want to go on this date?”
“I’ll let you know what day works for getting a babysitter.”
“What would you like to do?”
Annie gave him an impish smile. “Surprise me.”
“I can do that.” Ian walked to the door. “Let me know about the day.”
Annie nodded. “I’ll call as soon as I find out.”
Ian grabbed hold of the doorknob to keep himself from kissing Annie. That could wait until their date. “Good night.”
As he drove home, he replayed their discussion in his mind. Did he want to marry Annie again? Put his heart on the line? Take responsibility for her children? Part of him wanted that very thing, but part of him worried that their reunion was unwise—a recipe for ruin again. But wouldn’t they have God in the mix this time? That was a recipe for something good. He could only hope.