A marriage counselor might encourage you to be honest about how you really feel, addressing issues as soon as they come up. The result is that you can end up saying some pretty hurtful things to your partner. And once those words are out, it’s impossible to take them back.
Intimacy skills help you refrain from saying things that will hurt the emotional safety in your relationship, in favor of expressing your authentic feelings and desires. Instead of complaining or saying whatever comes to mind, you’ll know how to inspire and create a connection every time you speak.
One of my senior coaches, Gladys, talks about how when she first started implementing the Six Intimacy Skills, she found herself apologizing to her husband quite a bit for being disrespectful. One day he turned to her and said, “You don’t have to apologize for every little thing you say that’s disrespectful.”
Gladys paused and then said, “Actually, it’s no longer acceptable to me to treat you disrespectfully, and therefore it’s important for me to remind myself when I do. I feel you deserve my respect. You’re my husband.”
Today Gladys’ husband brags (in an endearing way) to anyone who will listen about how wonderful his wife is. It’s not hard to see why. Her decision to become a respectful wife not only makes him feel loved, it makes Gladys very attractive.
Still, deciding to become respectful is not always easy. When Lily and I discussed treating her husband respectfully, she told me “I just don’t feel that I can respect him. He’s put on so much weight, and he doesn’t really have a relationship with our kids. He’s on his computer all the time. I simply don’t respect that.”
Her husband’s faults seemed really glaring right then, but there was more to it than that. He was also supporting the whole family, made Lily laugh a lot, was an accomplished musician, and took care of their cars.
In other words, he had good qualities too. The pieces Lily said she couldn’t respect were only part of the story. If she opened her eyes a little wider, there was plenty to respect about her husband.
Your husband is the same way—he has some negative qualities, and you may be distracted by them right now. But focusing on those negative qualities is expensive: It’s costing you the connection you could be enjoying. Maybe you feel like you have no choice but to focus on those things because they’re so painful for you—but you do have a choice.
You’ve probably heard the expression “Love is not a feeling; it’s a decision.” Respect is the same way. You can decide to be respectful to your husband the same way you would be respectful to a stranger in a waiting room. Somehow, it can become more challenging to do it with our husbands when we are feeling hurt, disappointed, or lonely. But it can be done.
I’m not saying you will always agree with your husband when you decide to be respectful to him. That would be oppressive. Respect just means honoring his choices. It means you don’t tell him what to eat, what to do at work, how to drive, how to be neater, or how to be more romantic. That would be controlling, and control is disrespectful. Respect means you refrain from rolling your eyes at him, dismissing what he says, or speaking for him.
Instead, remind yourself that you married a capable man and act accordingly. Treat him as though you trust him and expect him to make good decisions.
It might feel false at first. It might feel like the biggest lie you ever told to act like you respect your husband. But just hang in there—it’s totally okay to pretend. You don’t have to feel like it to make this transformation. That’s what I mean when I say “Dishonesty is the best policy.”
Are you feeling disgusted with your husband’s football-watching habits? Pretend you respect him and go do some self-care. Do you want to strangle him for trampling muddy boots all over the house? Lie to maintain that cool respectful exterior and then express your desire for a clean floor. Are you at your wit’s end because he overdrew the account again? Instead of letting him have it, act like you trust him by letting him handle the fallout.
Why? Because it’s better for you. When you act respectful, two things will happen: First, your husband will respond to you with more tenderness and generosity because he feels safe. He’ll finally be getting what he’s always craved—and so will you. Second, you’ll actually start to feel more respectful of your husband. You’ll hear yourself saying those respectful things in a calm voice, and it will start to affect your subconscious, like an affirmation. You’ll also notice that as you’re being more respectful, your husband becomes more thoughtful, attentive, and helpful. Suddenly he seems like a better guy. It’s a virtuous cycle: The more you respect him, the more he acts like the man you fell in love with, which is a guy who’s not so hard to respect.
Just making this one choice—to treat him with respect whether it seems like he deserves it or not—is going to have a far-reaching impact on how you and he interact every day. The level of respect you bring to the relationship determines whether you spend your time smiling and laughing together and enjoying each other’s company or sleeping in separate beds with a thick layer of hostility throughout the house.
If you doubt that there is anything more important to your husband than having your respect, consider Dana’s experience when she and her husband went to marriage counseling. The counselor asked them each to make a list of all the things that made them feel loved. Dana began writing furiously, but she noticed that her husband wasn’t writing anything. That made her upset because she figured he wasn’t even doing the assignment—more proof that he just didn’t care about the relationship.
But after she read her list of a dozen things that made her feel loved, her husband shared what he had written. It was just one word: “Respect.”
One of the things I often hear is how important it is to be honest in a romantic relationship, but I know I used to be confused about that. I thought that meant that if I didn’t like my husband’s old, ratty U2 shirt from the last millennium, I should tell him, “That shirt is disgusting, and you should throw it out.”
But that’s really criticism, which has nothing to do with honesty. It’s very easy to criticize; it doesn’t take any responsibility or maturity. But being honest about how you’re feeling and what you want takes both maturity and vulnerability.
If I’m so out of sorts that I find it necessary to criticize my husband’s shirt—as though him changing his shirt is actually going to impact my happiness—chances are I am a little frazzled and depleted. If I were really honest at that moment, I would probably have to say, “I’m so tired I can’t see straight, which is making me cranky.” What other explanation can there be for being so focused on what someone else is wearing?
How can you tell if you’re being critical or honest? Criticism is about the other person: something they are doing wrong, should improve, or that’s just bugging you. Honesty is when you speak about yourself. That’s how you can tell the difference.
For example:
“You’re wasting a lot of time playing video games” is a criticism and a complaint. There’s nothing honest in that statement.
“I miss you” is about you and therefore is completely honest.
“I feel like you’re never emotionally available for me” is an insult and a complaint that’s trying to pretend it’s an honest feeling. There are no feeling words (guilty, sad, afraid, etc.) here to make it honest.
“My sister really hurt my feelings, and I’m so sad about it” is a tender truth.
“You’re such a slob” is hurtful and critical.
“I would love to wake up to a clean kitchen in the morning” is an honest desire.
The first thing you’ll notice about the honest statements is that they’re a lot scarier to say than complaints and criticisms. It’s a lot riskier to put yourself out there that way. But it’s also much more likely to bring you the response and connection you’re craving.
Before I knew this, I ran around saying critical, hurtful things and calling it honesty. I told myself I was just voicing hard truths that had to be said. In reality, I was an unpleasant toothache of a person. I was constantly complaining. There is nothing heroic about that.
Now, if I revert back to my old unfortunate ways and say something snide, I know I have the tools to restore the intimacy quickly by apologizing for being disrespectful, just like Gladys.
I use those very words: “I apologize for being disrespectful when I complained about your U2 T-shirt.” And I leave it alone after that. Because sometimes, if I’m really out of sorts, it’s tempting to go on to say, “It’s just that it’s got that stain on the front and it’s so ratty.” But if I say that, I’ve just been disrespectful again, and now I owe my husband another apology. Better to just quit while I’m ahead—which is right after I’ve apologized.
The wonderful thing about having the ability to apologize is that it can restore intimacy fast. I’ve seen the wall of tension fall down instantly when I’ve said those powerful words: “I apologize for being disrespectful.”
If there’s a lot of tension and distance at your house, you might ask yourself if there’s something you’ve done that’s disrespectful. If so, you have the opportunity to apologize and restore the intimacy. When the intimacy in your relationship is gone, it’s almost always an indication that the respect is missing too. You might be surprised at how quickly you can get both back with a simple apology.
Kathy had a high-paying job as a CFO of a private school, and while she liked the security and status of the position, she knew accounting wasn’t her true calling. But when she accepted an offer to work at a more prestigious company, she knew within days that she’d made a big mistake. She continued to slog it out for several weeks, but a month later, things had come to a head. She could barely get herself to go to work in the morning. Something had to give, but her husband was retired and they depended on her income to live.
Kathy didn’t know what to do, but she had been practicing the Six Intimacy Skills for years, so she decided to trust that her husband would step up to relieve the pressure during her personal crisis. Her message to him was: “I can’t continue to work in this career. I’ve reached my limit.” She didn’t tell him what he needed to do or that she was tired of being the sole breadwinner. There was no blame or shame. She just spoke for herself.
Sure enough, her husband saw an opportunity to help his wife and he jumped at it. He said, “I’ll get a job, and that way you won’t have to worry so much.” Kathy was so relieved and happy to hear those words. Within weeks her husband was working selling cars. He was so happy and proud to have the job, because it allowed his wife to change to a career she absolutely loved: working as a certified relationship coach with me.
Every morning her husband would get up inspired to go to work. He’d say, “I am going to sell some cars today!” He even said, “Honey, I am so happy that you get to do what you love while I’m out earning a living for us. I’m just so happy this is all working out.” He was really motivated to be providing for his wife.
Around that time, I read an advice column about another couple in a similar situation. The husband said that he had decided to retire four years early. His wife hadn’t wanted him to do that, but he did it anyway. To show how unhappy she was about it, she stopped speaking to him. The husband complained that they were now sleeping in separate bedrooms, and his wife had started locking her door so he wouldn’t try to sleep with her.
In this case, the wife tried to control her husband, but it didn’t work—he retired anyway. So she punished him. Of course the intimacy in their relationship was destroyed in the process. Too bad she didn’t know the Six Intimacy Skills. That couple could have been enjoying affection and intimacy like Kathy and her husband.
Being honest and respectful is much more effective in both getting the desired outcome and keeping the connection you enjoy with your husband. When you trust your man, he feels a fierce sense of responsibility. I see this over and over.