A marriage counselor might encourage you to be very cooperative by helping your husband whenever he asks.
Intimacy skills teach you to put your self-care first and honor your own limits so you don’t end up helping but then being resentful about it. You’ll also learn how to get more help by doing less.
“Women who seek equality with men lack ambition.”
—Marilyn Monroe
I very rarely wash dishes—John typically does them. That’s been our routine for years: I cook and he washes the dishes. It started when I said, “I want to make dinner, but I don’t want to do the dishes.” John immediately offered to do them and I responded with, “Great! Thanks.”
That doesn’t mean the dishes always get done right after a meal. To be honest, there are dishes in the sink right now. And if people came over, they would see them. (Actually, people did come over today, so they did see them.)
Sometimes dishes stay in the sink longer than I’d like, and mostly I choose to leave them there rather than spending the time and energy doing them myself. Of course it would be nice if my kitchen was always perfectly clean, but what I value even more is that when people come over they see a relaxed, happy Laura instead of a stressed-out, exhausted Laura. I’m not a martyr or a victim, nor am I the kitchen elf.
Once in a while, if I really want to have a spotless kitchen right that minute, I wash dishes myself. But when I do, I know that’s my choice. Realizing that I’m making a choice to wash the dishes is like living on a completely different planet than the one I used to live on, where I thought I had to do everything because John had left me no choice. Since he wasn’t doing things when and how I wanted them done, I believed he was leaving me with the burden of cleaning up after both of us. I was so resentful that he did that to me.
Today I see many other options. One is to leave the dishes until John gets to them and keep minding my own business, even if my most pressing business only involves looking at pictures of beautiful gardens while sipping tea. Another option is to decide to do the dishes because I want a clean kitchen now—but to do them without being resentful or complaining under my breath.
If I’m being totally honest, I also have a couple of laundry baskets of clean clothes waiting to be folded in the bedroom. They’ve been there for two days. Folding clothes is one of my responsibilities, and John never mentions it or complains that the laundry isn’t getting folded fast enough for him. In fact, in all the years we’ve been married, I’ve never seen him stomp over to the laundry baskets and sigh heavily while grimacing because he was so disgusted that I had taken so long to fold the clothes.
But that’s what I used to do with the dishes when I thought they’d been in the sink too long. It wasn’t very dignified, but I didn’t realize I had any other choice. I thought it was vital to avoid the embarrassment of people seeing dishes in our sink. It turns out that that isn’t as painful as I thought it would be.
Today the fear of embarrassment about unsightly dishes just isn’t something I worry about. One of my friends actually thanked me for having dishes in the sink when she came over! When I asked her what she meant by that, she said, “It means I don’t have to be perfect either.”
My house isn’t perfect, and my friend can see that I’m human too. That’s an additional source of connection in our friendship, which helps us to be vulnerable and imperfect together in other ways.
The consequences of having my friends see that my house isn’t perfectly tidy aren’t painful or embarrassing. In fact, the loss of intimacy I experienced from trying to make my husband do things when I thought he should was far worse. And exhausting myself by doing everything to keep up appearances just didn’t seem worthwhile.
Sometimes I’ll express my desire by saying, “Kathy is coming over shortly and I would love it if the kitchen was clean when she got here.” If John doesn’t decide to do the dishes then, I can always jump up and do them myself if I really want them to be done. That option never goes away.
My job is to know what I want to do in each situation. What do I want to contribute? What is more important to me right now—taking a nap or having a spotless kitchen?
Now I know that it’s all a choice—my choice.
When my husband does chores around the house but not the way I want them done, I’m still grateful. And I always make sure to express my appreciation.
I used to say things like “It’s great that you did the dishes, but how about wiping off the countertops?” That was very demotivating, ungrateful, and controlling, so I don’t do it anymore. Today I say, “Wow! Thanks for doing the dishes. I really appreciate it.” And if the counters are still dirty, I can either wipe them off myself or I can leave them. Sometimes John comes back around and does them anyway.
Sometimes my coaching clients don’t give their husbands a chance to do certain chores because they’re in such a hurry to have them done now.
I’ve discovered that the less I jump on things to get them done, the more John picks up the slack. I’ve also noticed that by taking a more relaxed approach, John sees things that need to be done and volunteers to do them—just like I always wanted him to in the bad old days. That seems pretty miraculous. I didn’t realize that by being so efficient and in such a rush to do everything, I was actually impeding him from making the contributions I wanted him to make and that he wants to make.
Another way I was stressing myself out unnecessarily was by doing things for John that he could easily do for himself. I used to make his doctor and dentist appointments, wake him up so he wouldn’t oversleep, and drop off his dry cleaning for him. When he misplaced his keys or his wallet, I would jump up and save the day by finding them.
I don’t do any of that anymore because I know he can do it himself. And I have my own important things to do—like napping and working on my mission to end world divorce. The result is that John figures things out for himself, and he takes more initiative to do other things. But if I forget and start bossing him around, that initiative disappears.
My clients have had the same experience. Regina bought tickets for an out-of-town business conference that she thought would be perfect for her and her husband to attend since they were in business together. She came home and excitedly told him about it, but he didn’t seem that excited. In fact, when she asked him to go with her, he flatly declined. “How can I express my desire so that he’ll come to the conference?” she asked me.
I asked her why she wanted him to come, and she told me that she wanted them to both be on the same page in their business.
“Does he think the conference will be valuable?” I asked.
“I haven’t asked him that,” she admitted.
By committing to the conference without consulting her business partner and husband, the message she was sending was that she thought something should be done, and she’d figured out what that was and then unilaterally made the decision—and the purchase—for both of them. Her actions said, “Your thoughts about what’s best won’t be necessary.” As a result, he was not showing much enthusiasm. What if he had a very different idea? There wasn’t much room for him to express that, since she had already bought the tickets.
I asked Regina if there was a missed opportunity for her to say to him, “I want to increase the sales for our company, and I heard about this conference where we could learn to market better, so I thought it might be fun to go together. What do you think?” Or she could have simply expressed her desires by saying, “I want to increase our sales. What do you think we should do next?” That conversation could have opened up a lot of possibilities and elicited his best thinking about what to do. As it was, she really didn’t know what he thought about the direction they should take their business.
Instead, she had tickets to a conference that he was resisting attending—probably because he didn’t want to be told what to do. That’s just human nature, and especially male nature. Her actions could certainly have been interpreted as saying, “I think we need to do something, so I did it. You should come along because this is the direction I’m taking the company.” That sounds much more like a boss than a partner or wife.
Regina had a great opportunity to be curious about and respectful of her husband’s ideas. She realized that she wanted to see what his contribution would have been, because she really didn’t know.
If you’re curious about and open to your husband’s ideas, you’ll be amazed at how often he comes up with something elegant you never would have thought of. Or he’ll say “Let me handle it” and take care of the situation altogether.
One way to lighten your load is to think about something in your life that you feel responsible for but that’s appearing as a burden or a struggle. Maybe it’s something tedious that you don’t want to do. Then ask the man who loves you most in the world to help.
One powerful way is to stop doing whatever it is that has you feeling resentful, exhausted, or burdened. You don’t have to say anything—just don’t do it.
For example, Elena was running low on energy just before dinner when she felt a headache coming on. It was her routine to make dinner, set the table, and get the kids settled down to eat while her husband unwound from work. But on this particular day, she just didn’t feel well enough. She announced that she had a headache, and without saying anything more or asking her husband to do anything, she went to lie down on the couch. Her husband caught on immediately. He found ingredients for dinner and fed the kids and himself, as well as reminding the kids to let Mommy rest because she didn’t feel well.
Elena didn’t ask, demand, or plead for him to do that. He just did it in her absence. All she had to do was nothing.
What if you did the same thing? Maybe you’d give yourself a break from doing the laundry, for example. It’s hard to say what would happen if you stopped washing the clothes until you actually try it.
When Jennifer came to one of my live events, she had a specific goal of getting help with what she considered the worst chore of all: mopping the floor. After getting some coaching, she went home and told her husband that she couldn’t mop the floor anymore and wanted to hire some help. He looked surprised, but after a moment, he said, “That seems like an unnecessary expense. Why don’t I do it instead?” She thanked him and resigned her job as the family mopper that very day. By saying she could no longer mop, Jennifer created a vacuum (no pun intended), and her husband filled it.
You might think that would never happen with your husband, but you really don’t know until you experiment. I used to think I could predict my husband’s actions in many situations too, but I really can’t. Neither can you. We can speculate, but we don’t really know for sure. That can be scary for those of us who like to feel like we’re in control. It’s also a great relief to be able to drop some of your burdens and let the man you married help lighten your load.
If something is becoming burdensome for you, consider letting it go for a while to see what happens. You might just end up with one less responsibility.
Sometimes I have coaching clients who get completely stressed out because they think that if their husband makes a suggestion, they have to go along with it or else they’re being disrespectful. That’s simply not the case. Your husband may come up with a suggestion that creates another conflict for you because he doesn’t have all the information yet.
For example, Genevieve told her husband she wanted to bring her car to the mechanic to check out a strange noise. Her husband suggested that they take it the next day after work so he could meet her there and give her a ride home. Genevieve struggled with how to respond, knowing that she’d already made plans to see a friend after work the next day. Her husband saw the anxious look on her face and asked, “What’s wrong?” So she told him about her scheduling conflict. Her husband said, “No problem. Let’s do it the next day.” That worked for Genevieve, so the problem was solved.
Without that piece of information, her husband wouldn’t have been able to make her happy. Withholding your desires so you can go along with your husband’s thinking is defeating for you and your relationship.
Genevieve wasn’t being disrespectful by letting her husband know that she had other plans. Even if she didn’t have firm plans, she could have said, “I wanted to go to yoga with Misty tomorrow after work.” That’s not disrespectful—it’s a clear expression of desire. If she just said, “No, that’s not a good idea,” that would have been disrespectful. But giving your husband more information about what you want is not the same as arguing with what he thinks.
Allison was enjoying some much-needed self-care by relaxing with a book on the couch when her husband asked her to come out to the garage and help him with his truck. He wanted her to put her hand into the gas tank and hold it steady while he screwed something else in.
Allison couldn’t think of anything she wanted to do less. She groaned and sighed at the thought of leaving her pleasant perch, but because she wanted to be a “good” wife, she got up to help. Almost immediately she was making snippy remarks to her husband. After they finished working on the truck, they spent the evening bickering, and the kids followed suit. It was a miserable evening for the entire family.
I don’t recommend that you say this, but just for a moment imagine if Allison’s husband had asked her for help, and she had responded by saying, “I’ll help you, but if I do I’ll be cranky for the rest of the night. Or else I can stay right here and be happy and relaxed. Which would you prefer?” Which option do you think her husband would have chosen?
I promise he would have picked the latter option, but her husband didn’t get that choice. Instead he got the help he was asking for as well as a cranky wife who didn’t do a very good job of saying yes to herself that day. Her whole family suffered because of it.
A lot of wives I work with believe that pitching in to help anytime your husband asks is a critical part of being a “good” wife. But don’t you think your husband would rather have a happy wife than your help every day of the week? If helping him is going to interfere with your self-care or your happiness, then it’s probably too high a price to a pay.
Your husband might be irritated in the moment when you don’t help him, but remember that even more than your help, your husband wants you to be happy. That’s his priority. To be clear, I don’t recommend that you give him the choice of helping him and being cranky or not helping him and being in a better mood. Instead, consider using the phrase “I can’t.” That’s it—just those two powerful words. It could be shorthand for “I can’t or I will miss my self-care and be irritable” or “I can’t say ‘yes’ to you right now without saying ‘no’ to myself.” He may say, “why not?”—especially the first time you say it. There’s no need to go into detail. Just stick with your mantra: “I just can’t.”
“I can’t” is a really effective phrase that was trained out of me at an early age. What I learned and practiced saying a lot was “I can do anything if I put my mind to it.” Maybe you learned the same thing. But if I’m honest, I used that phrase to do anything for everyone else while I neglected myself for months at a time. I’m sure that wasn’t the intent of the can-do slogan, but that’s where I ended up. I see my clients doing the same thing.
The problem is that I really can’t do everything I want to do. In theory I want to learn Spanish and stand-up comedy and grow organic food in my garden that I then make into delicious meals for my family and friends. But I don’t do any of that. I can’t. Because what I actually want to do is write books, play volleyball, run an international relationship coaching organization, walk to the bookstore with my husband, and pick up my niece from school on Fridays. Those are my real priorities, and that’s what I spend my time doing.
I still hate to acknowledge that there’s anything I can’t do, but it’s true. There are many things I can’t do if I want to also be relaxed and happy and have the energy for an intimate, passionate, peaceful marriage. The phrase “I can’t” is enormously helpful for acknowledging the limits of my capacity. Perhaps you’ll find it helpful too. Consider trying it out a few times to see how it sounds coming out of your mouth.
When Allison said yes to helping her husband with his truck, she was also saying “No, Allison, you can’t relax and read a book right now.” And there’s something sad about saying no to yourself when what your soul needs most is yes.