A marriage counselor might encourage you to do more nice things for your husband to create goodwill or to give more than you get—some counselors call this “making deposits” into the “relationship account.”
Intimacy skills teach you how to get the special treatment you deserve with the power of receiving, which also makes you more attractive and confident, improving intimacy.
Have you ever had someone say “I love that outfit” and responded by saying something like “I got it on sale”?
Or maybe a friend has offered to buy your lunch but you insisted on paying your share. Or a party guest has offered to stay to help you clean up and you said, “Don’t worry about it—I’ve got it.” Or someone has apologized for being late to meet you and instead of thanking her for the acknowledgment, you’ve said, “Oh, that’s all right.”
Do you identify? Me too. I’ve done all of those things. For years I had no idea how to receive compliments, gifts, help, or apologies, so I rejected them. Of course I didn’t know I was rejecting the person also—that wasn’t what I wanted to do. I didn’t realize I was dismissing my own femininity and rebuffing the people who wanted to be kind to me.
Great receiving habits make you appear more attractive and confident, and also help you create better intimacy and connection in your relationship. Receptivity also inspires your husband to cherish you.
The reason receiving is such an important skill for intimacy is that you and your husband bring different gifts to the relationship, like the yin and yang of Eastern philosophy. Yin is the feminine energy and yang is the masculine energy. The feminine is receptive, and the masculine response to receptivity is the inspiration to cherish that receptive person. That gives him purpose and meaning. But if you don’t receive from him, then the cycle is broken. He doesn’t get to feel proud and you don’t get to feel taken care of, and so the intimacy is lost.
Without someone to receive and benefit from his efforts, the masculine doesn’t have much purpose. Men who have no one to receive from them aren’t as motivated and inspired as men who do.
One of the ways we see this show up is that married men make more money than single men. Several studies, including a Virginia Commonwealth University study, found that married men earn 22 percent more than their similarly experienced but single colleagues. Married guys are more ambitious, more inspired, and more purposeful. They have someone to please.
Receiving graciously means that when someone else makes an effort to do or say something for your enjoyment or to ease your responsibilities, you accept it without dismissing, joking, or diverting attention. You don’t turn it away. For instance, if you think you’re having a bad hair day and someone says “Your hair looks great,” instead of brushing their compliment away, just smile and say “Thank you!”
When your husband gets you a present that isn’t quite what you had in mind, you can receive it by saying, “Thank you for thinking of me!” If he says “I’ll do the laundry” and you suspect he’s going to wrinkle the clothes by folding them like origami, accept his help instead of saying, “No, I’ll just do it myself.”
If someone apologizes to you, you might be tempted to let him or her off the hook quickly by saying “That’s okay.” Instead, receive the apology by saying “Thank you” or “I appreciate that.” Let the other person finish talking, instead of interrupting to say “No, no, no—don’t worry about it.” Let others apologize to you when they’ve done something inconsiderate or thoughtless, even if it’s a small transgression. Be gracious enough to give them the space to apologize, and honor yourself by receiving it instead of dismissing it. You can put them at ease by letting them know you’ve accepted the apology rather than acting as though no apology was necessary.
Practicing the skill of receiving will attract more gifts, compliments, help, and apologies—and that’s not all.
You may be wondering, why is it so important to always receive graciously? There are seven reasons.
1. Being a good receiver makes you more attractive because you appear more feminine.
2. Being a good receiver gives you more intimacy and a better emotional connection. In a way, when you receive, you also give. Doesn’t it feel good when you give someone a present and they are genuinely happy to get it? If you reject a gift, you also reject the giver and the emotional connection you could have had with that person.
3. Being a good receiver makes you more confident. Contradicting someone who compliments you is the same as putting yourself down. That reveals that you feel undeserving. If you take in what he’s saying and adopt his positive perspective, that makes you feel good about yourself. Nobody has to know that you don’t feel deserving yet.
4. Being a good receiver increases your tolerance for good things. If you’re not in the habit of accepting compliments, gifts, and help, then you probably aren’t comfortable having them. Things won’t get better until you increase your tolerance. One way to do that is to just hang in there with the receiving until you get used to it.
The day after a play date with a friend and her kids, Renee’s friend texted her to say, “That was fun yesterday. Your kids are so cute!”
Renee’s impulse was to respond immediately and say “So are yours!” Instead, she stopped herself.
Renee was just learning the feminine art of receiving, and she was keenly aware of her urge to “even the score,” which is a common way of relieving the discomfort that we sometimes feel when we receive a compliment. As an experiment, Renee decided to just thank her friend without reciprocating. She texted her only “Thank you!” and nothing more. It was not as awkward as she imagined, because Renee knew that when she gave someone else a compliment, she didn’t expect one back. As a result, Renee got to really enjoy this compliment about how adorable her children were, which, like any proud mother, she loved hearing.
5. Being a good receiver attracts more gifts to you, because people love to give to good receivers. One woman told me that when she was learning about the feminine art of receiving graciously, she got to observe her child’s teacher modeling good receiving. When the kids got her end-of-the-year presents, she oohed and ahhed about each gift, making each child feel special. Her ability to receive graciously was itself a gift to those children, who got to feel connected to their beloved teacher. We can do the same thing in all of our relationships.
6. Being a good receiver gives you more free time because you have more help, including emotional support, advice about your challenges, and help with chores or other responsibilities.
7. Being a good receiver feels great. You are the princess while you’re receiving. Why shouldn’t you enjoy that moment?
Since men are naturally very attracted to the feminine, the better you are at receiving, the more attractive you’ll be. When we take a feminine approach, there’s nothing a man won’t do to please us. That starts with acknowledging that we’re different—and really celebrating that.
If you’re feeling cold and your husband offers you his jacket, thank him and luxuriate in that jacket. That’s being receptive and allowing him to be masculine with you, which feels good all around. If he tells you that you’re beautiful, accept the compliment graciously. If he offers to help you carry the boxes you were about to move, let him. There’s no downside. Just smile and say “thank you.”
I find now that I’ve been taking a feminine approach with my husband for so long, I have it with me wherever I go. On a plane recently, a man sitting in my aisle asked if he could get my bag from the overhead compartment. I didn’t have a bag in the overhead compartment, but I kind of wished I did because it would have been nice to let him get it. I would have felt feminine, he would have felt masculine, and we’d both have felt good. These days I accept those kinds of offers out of habit. I’ve gotten used to getting special treatment.
A few minutes later, on our way to baggage claim, we came to a long staircase. Another man who had been seated next to a businesswoman offered to carry her rolling suitcase down the stairs for her, but she said, “No thanks, I’ve got it.” He ran off ahead very quickly, probably feeling rejected, and she muttered, “Well, this is scary,” as she tried to navigate the stairs and her bags by herself. Then she turned to me and said, “I’d have to be able to do this myself if he wasn’t there!”
She missed a chance to get help with her luggage, which it seemed like she could have used. And she missed the chance to feel feminine because she thought she had to be independent. She didn’t.
Consider too that you can’t give and receive at the same time. The more you’re doing things for a man, the less you’re in a position to receive. And your doing the giving is less appealing to him because it’s less feminine. Your husband doesn’t want you to schedule his doctor’s appointments or buy his underwear, because he would rather be doing things to delight you. If you spend time taking care of yourself instead of him, you’re more likely to be receptive, grateful, and happy when he puts gas in your car or weeds the garden. Seeing you satisfied from his efforts is a big part of what makes him feel successful as a husband.
When we reject gifts and compliments, we squash intimacy, insult the giver, and miss out on having something delightful.
Before they were married, Tara’s husband got her a bottle of perfume for Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t one she particularly liked, and she let him know that and discarded the gift. He hadn’t bought her a present since, and they’d been married for fifteen years.
When Tara learned the Six Intimacy Skills, she had the painful realization that she’d taught her husband never to buy her anything all those years ago. So she decided to concentrate on practicing the skill of receiving to see what emerged in the gift-giving department.
Sure enough, for Christmas her husband bought her the first gift of their entire married life: an unusual, beautiful, name-brand sweater. Tara was delighted and astonished. She gratefully thanked him and put it on to show him how well he had chosen for her. She found she didn’t want to take it off, both because it made her feel beautiful and desired, and because it symbolized a new, gratifying connection between them.
I had one woman ask how she was supposed to pretend she liked a gift her husband got her even though she didn’t. “That’s dishonest!” she complained. Maybe. But maybe bringing manners into the relationship will help preserve the intimacy, and maybe that’s more important. Only you know what fits for you. I know that for me there was a time when I was critical of everything my husband picked out for me if it wasn’t what I would have picked out for myself—so he stopped buying me anything. I should have saved us both a lot of time and married myself.
You can always find something truthful and polite to say when a friend gets you something. You might say “What a pretty color” or “I’ve never seen anything like it—thanks!” Extend the same courtesy to your husband. Do this because you want to nurture the relationship and show you’re open to being showered with gifts. The gifts won’t all be exactly what you would have picked out, but for that you can go to the store and buy things yourself.
Sometimes we reject gifts without even realizing it. One woman told me, “I would never reject my husband’s gifts.” Her husband overheard her and said, “What about the juicer I gave you? You sure complained about that.” She’d rejected that because it didn’t match her agenda, which was that he should get her something more romantic. Granted, a juicer isn’t the most romantic present in the world, but it was something he thought she would like.
If you have also gotten that kind of gift—a battery recharger for Valentine’s Day, say, or a Swiss army knife for your birthday—you are not alone. At one of my “Cherished for Life” retreats, I asked who had received a gift from her man that was a bit of a head-scratcher, and almost every hand went up. Your husband has a different perspective than you do, and he may see something about you that you don’t see about yourself or be thinking about your safety or comfort. Instead of getting stuck on that, consider the thought behind the gift. The woman who got the Swiss army knife for her birthday said she ended up really appreciating that gift over time.
You deserve to have practical, functional things as well as sweet, luxurious things, and your man deserves the pleasure of giving you all of them. So start receiving graciously and the gifts will multiply and come with greater enthusiasm almost immediately. It takes more courage—for me, at least—to receive compliments, gifts, and help graciously than it does to retreat to false modesty.
Even if you feel guilty, uncomfortable, undeserving, immodest, or out of control, just say thank you. Adopting the habit of a gracious receiver will help you draw things to you with minimal effort, instead of having to pull them toward you by force or manipulation.
Sometimes accepting a gift graciously is the greatest gift of all. It shows that you understand that others, especially the man in your life, feel pleasure when you allow them to give you something.
So how do you do that? When you’re given something, do what your mother taught you to do. Smile and say thank you.
It sounds deceptively easy to receive graciously, but we don’t always do it. Why is that? There are six reasons.
1. Receiving can make you feel out of control.
You can’t predict what the other person will say. Everybody else may be looking at you, putting you unexpectedly in the spotlight. You might think, Everybody is looking at my hair now, and I don’t feel that good about how it looks.
2. Receiving graciously can make you feel as though you’re being arrogant.
What did we all learn in junior high? Don’t be stuck up! You may still be thinking, like you did back then, People will think I’m conceited if I say thanks when they compliment me.
3. Receiving graciously can bring up feelings of distrust.
You may wonder if the compliment is insincere or meant as a manipulation. Let’s say a salesperson gives you a compliment. You might think, He’s just trying to butter me up so I’ll buy something.
4. Receiving graciously can make you feel undeserving.
You don’t want to impose on anyone, so you’ll refuse help. You might think, I can’t expect other people to help me with my work. Everybody has to pull their own weight.
I used to think other people were keeping score, because I was always keeping score. That’s what part of me believed was appropriate for gift-giving: tit for tat. Instead of simply accepting things that were offered for my enjoyment, I calculated whether I could afford to reciprocate or not, and then responded accordingly. Gift giving and gift receiving made up a giant scorecard, and it seemed like I could never get ahead. I constantly felt bad for not keeping up or cheated if I felt I’d gotten less than I’d given.
5. Receiving graciously can pose a threat to your independence—or so you think.
As columnist Connie Shultz wrote, “My husband had to convince me that letting him make me coffee in the morning did not mean I was giving up my right to vote and own property.”
When I was newly married, I would have been hard-pressed to admit that I needed help from anyone. I once carried a heavy box of books from our car up the stairs to the apartment, even though my husband would have happily carried them for me. I was proud because this showed I could take care of myself. And I can. But everyone needs help from time to time, and accepting help doesn’t make you weak—it makes you more feminine. I missed a lot of chances to be intimate with a man who only wanted to make me happy, make my life easier, and please me.
Now it’s no longer my goal to be independent. What I want is to be interdependent with my husband. I don’t need his help, but I want it.
6. Finally, receiving graciously can be difficult because sometimes you have an agenda.
For instance, let’s say your husband wants to take you to dinner and to a movie and you’re afraid it will cost too much. Your agenda is to save money, so you say, “We can’t afford it. Let’s just watch something at home instead.” Seems practical and harmless, right?
Nope. You just rejected his gift. Refusing to go out for the evening or implying that your husband is being financially irresponsible calls his judgment into question. That will make him less enthusiastic about taking you out on a date in the future. And whether you know it or not, consciously or unconsciously, you are always teaching people how to treat you. You felt as though you had a valid reason for rejecting his offer to take you out, but with that decision, you made saving money more important than having a night of fun and the intimacy with your husband.
The reason you deserve special treatment is because you’re a woman: it’s your birthright. So start acting like you deserve it by receiving graciously. You’ll appear more self-confident, and over time, you’ll feel more deserving too.
When So You Think You Can Dance host Cat Deeley was nominated for an Emmy, the judges started congratulating her as soon as she came onto the stage. They also told her how beautiful she looked. Cat graciously received the compliments and the congratulations. She didn’t divert attention from herself—she just took it all in, smiling radiantly and looking the part.
The judges had also been nominated for an Emmy, but Cat didn’t let that distract her from basking in the spotlight of being noticed and complimented. She demonstrated gracious receiving perfectly, which is part of what makes her so successful, attractive, and confident.
The ability to either receive or reject is part of your power as a woman. You don’t have to receive everything that’s offered to you, but deciding whether to receive or reject certainly impacts your relationship with the giver.
Diane complained that her husband Kurt was not romantic. She said he did all the wrong things when he took her to Las Vegas for her birthday. “We agreed that we would meet at the hotel since he had to work late,” she explained. “While I was in the room waiting for him, there was a knock on the door and a man was standing there with a huge birthday cake. At first I said, ‘You have the wrong room,’ but then I saw that it said ‘Happy Birthday Diane.’ I couldn’t believe Kurt sent an entire cake! It cost over a hundred dollars, and we only ate one piece! They had cupcakes right in the hotel lobby at the gift shop, which would have been cheaper and I would have been just as happy.”
But rather than a story about a husband who is not romantic, Diane’s is a story about a wife who was too concerned about money and criticized the present her husband chose because it wasn’t what she would have chosen herself. She overlooked how sweet and thoughtful he had been in favor of sticking to her practical agenda of spending money only on the things she wanted to spend money on. The romance-killer wasn’t Kurt, it was Diane, because she was unwilling to receive a gift that wasn’t exactly what she had in mind.
I’ve behaved the same way. I’ve let my husband know that the flowers he bought weren’t the kind I would have really liked. I’ve told him that the jewelry he bought me wasn’t my style, and that the restaurant where he made us reservations on Valentine’s Day wasn’t very healthy. I’m sorry to say that in the past I’ve completely dismissed, and unwittingly discouraged, my husband’s gifts and thoughtful gestures because they didn’t meet my specific ideas of romance, cleanliness, thriftiness, or nutrition. I wanted him to do exactly what I thought he should do, and when he didn’t, I tried to instruct him on how to do better next time.
As you can imagine, my approach squashed my husband’s motivation to do anything nice for me at all, because he rarely felt successful making me happy. People need positive reinforcement, and John rarely got it from me. I didn’t realize that I was cheating us both—me out of feeling surprised and cherished when he did something thoughtful, and him out of feeling proud and successful when he pleased his wife.
If you’re in the habit of rejecting your husband’s gifts or if your response to his last offering was “Why did you get me this?” then you’ve trained your husband that he can’t please you and discouraged him from trying. So one of the things you need to do to have the kind of relationship you’re dreaming of is to become pleaseable by receiving graciously.
Maybe you’ve had the experience of getting a battery charger for Valentine’s Day too, but you’re not the only one who got an unromantic or unwanted gift from your husband. That has happened to every woman on the planet who’s lucky enough to have a man buy her a present. When it happens, you have a choice: Will you choose good manners and intimacy? Or will you be critical and reject your husband in the name of “honesty”?
You can be polite and authentic at the same time by concentrating on the gesture. Even if you don’t love the gift, make sure he knows you like that he was thinking about you, and that you appreciate his thoughtfulness. You won’t feel cherished until you learn to receive graciously.