A marriage counselor may encourage you to set boundaries, which is fine if you’re a country, but not so helpful if you’re a woman who wants to feel desired, cherished, and adored. Guarding your borders will make it difficult to feel connected to your husband. For that, you’ll need vulnerability.
Intimacy skills help you be vulnerable because that’s a crucial ingredient to having an intimate relationship—the kind where you feel loved for being completely authentic. You’ll honor yourself like never before, but instead of having to “lay down the law,” you’ll be revealing your limits in a soft, trusting way.
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”
—Brené Brown, Author, Columnist, and Speaker
My experience has been that to have the intimacy I crave, I need to relax into situations that I find terrifying, where everything in me wants to fight or run. I used to think that someday I wouldn’t be vulnerable at all, but just the opposite has proven to be true. The comfort I’ve found around being vulnerable is that it feels more familiar now than it used to. I’ve also acquired a taste for the intimacy, connection, and love that’s on the other side of giving up my defenses. So today, I strive to be vulnerable as much as I can.
Recently I was watching the movie The King’s Speech at home by myself. Colin Firth was so courageous as the stuttering King George, it made me cry. John came home right in the middle of a very dramatic scene, and my first instinct was to try to compose myself so he wouldn’t know I was a big pile of mush. I was fumbling to pause the movie when he came over and said, “How are you, cutie?” I knew if I responded I would lose it, so I tried to compose myself silently, but that wasn’t working. It was pretty obvious that I was just a melty snowman on the couch. I didn’t want him to know that, but he already knows that about me anyway. He smiled and gave me a tender kiss, because he loves my soft side.
I know that’s how it is with vulnerability—I teach it all the time. But still my instinct is to not let anybody see that part of me. But then again, it feels so wonderful to be loved even when I’m in pieces.
When someone sees me—really sees the messy part, the part I don’t want them to see—and they respond with tenderness, that’s an amazing, indescribable feeling. It’s one I want to have as much as I can.
You may think, as I once did, that vulnerability is unattractive. I thought it was a weakness, and since I’m a strong-minded, able-bodied woman, I didn’t ever want to appear vulnerable. But I was completely wrong.
One of the great common denominators of being human is that we’re all vulnerable sometimes. We all experience joy and loss. We all cry and need approval. We all feel embarrassed and long for reassurance. We all judge ourselves and have dark thoughts. Every one of us wants to be loved. When we let those tender parts show, others connect with us because they recognize their own humanity in us and feel at home.
Today I consider my ability to go to that tender place one of my best qualities. When I’m there, I can feel how much affection John has for me and how much he wants to protect me. It’s given me a fuller appreciation for the depth of his love. In my better moments, I recognize that my vulnerability is attractive. My husband responds in such a masculine way and I feel so feminine in return.
I now realize that I can enjoy intimacy with my husband only to the degree that I can be vulnerable with him. That means letting my tears come instead of masking my hurt with anger. It means that even when I feel attacked, I put my defenses down and let him see that I am fragile. It means holding steady even when I realize I could be rejected or abandoned when I’m least prepared for it.
When you let down your guard, the truth comes out in an endearing way. You feel the incomparable pleasure and joy of being loved just as you are, not for who you think you should be.
Intimacy and closeness spring from the relief of admitting you’re not at all perfect and finding out that you’re still lovable. Intimacy thrives when you know you’re safe. That’s when you can relax in your own skin and reveal yourself.
In fact, your vulnerability is what made your man fall for you above everyone else. He saw how delicate you are and felt that he could make a contribution by caring for you, comforting you, and protecting you. That’s what made him want to commit to you forever.
I promise you, it still melts him every time he sees your vulnerability. It reminds him of his purpose and the connection he feels. That’s a gift you bring to the relationship: the vulnerability that creates your bond.
Another important aspect of expressing your feelings is letting people around you—especially your husband—know when you’re hurt.
As wonderful as my marriage has been since I discovered the Six Intimacy Skills, sometimes my husband still hurts my feelings, and sometimes I hurt his too. He’s a great guy and he loves me like crazy, but because we’re so close, that getting hurt happens sometimes. Think of little kids playing together and bruising or scratching each other. From what I hear from thousands of clients, including my team of coaches, that’s just part of any intimate relationship. Sometimes you accidentally cause each other pain.
If we ever get to be perfect, I’ll be sure to have a press conference and let you know what that’s like. Until then, I’m glad I have the option of saying “Ouch!” when I’m hurt.
One of the ways I know that I’m hurt is that I’m mad at that person who hurt me. I start to think my husband is a jerk, and I want to make him wrong. But underneath that feeling, 100 percent of the time I find that I’m hurt. I feel rejected, abandoned, disappointed, insulted, or embarrassed. The hurt is always there underneath my anger. But anger is not great for creating connection and intimacy, so when I’ve got the wherewithal and the courage, I express my hurt instead of the anger. I choose the hurt because it’s vulnerable, and I like my chances of snuggling and laughing together whenever I’m vulnerable. When I express my anger, that’s an invitation to an argument that could inflict damage and distance to my relationship. That’s not where I want to live.
When I first decided to respond with my hurt instead of lashing back at my husband in anger and defense, I had a pretty hard time remembering to say “Ouch!” in the moment. I kept seeing my opportunities in the rearview mirror, once the moment had already passed. That wasn’t great, but it was still progress. Eventually I remembered to say it at the time, and finally it has become habit. It wasn’t easy, but it’s worth it because the connection is so much better afterward.
If I can remind myself that my husband loves me and didn’t mean to hurt me, then I have a better chance of responding with vulnerability by saying “Ouch!” or maybe with silence or even tears if they naturally well up. That reminds him that we’re on the same team but lets him know that I feel hurt. It also helps me avoid saying something I might have to apologize for later.
I’m not suggesting tears as manipulation here. I’m saying if you’re genuinely hurt and are tempted to respond in anger, tears are a better way to be both authentic and vulnerable. When you cry, you’re choosing to preserve intimacy and teach your husband how to treat you.
You might think, I don’t feel hurt when my husband says something mean. I feel angry! Believe me, I know what you mean. But here’s what I’ve discovered: Whenever I’m angry with my husband—or anybody else I’m intimate with—I’m also hurt. If I can go to the hurt beneath the anger, I have a better chance of preserving intimacy. Anger is easier because it feels safer, but hurt is more vulnerable, and that’s what you’re striving for.
Let’s say my husband says something that hurts my feelings. That doesn’t happen very often anymore, but it does occasionally, because that’s just how it is when you’re so close to someone. When my feelings are hurt, I just say “Ouch.” That’s all that’s needed. He gets it. I don’t have to go into a lengthy explanation about how that comment touches a sore spot for me because my mother used to say things like that and I wish he would be more sensitive and on and on.
I get the job done with one impactful word.
Sometimes when my clients use the word “ouch,” they report back that it didn’t work. Bonny said that when she said it, her husband looked at her oddly and said, “Ouch? What’s ouch?” That’s not an uncommon reaction when you first try this out.
Since even a toddler understands the word “ouch,” we can be fairly certain that Bonny’s husband understood it too. So his reaction wasn’t about not getting it, but about not liking it. That makes sense, because it was the first time Bonny had said that, which means she was introducing a new way of conversing into the relationship. Part of her husband’s reaction was to say, “What are the steps of this new dance? Usually this is the part where you say something mean, like what a jerk I am, and we bicker. I know those steps perfectly.”
Even though the old dance wasn’t much fun for either Bonny or her husband, they both knew how it went. So part of his reaction was in response to her changing it up. He may have also felt guilty or mad at himself for hurting Bonny’s feelings, but since she didn’t blame or shame him, there was nothing to defend himself against. The conversation at that point was only between him and his conscience, which may have been needling him for hurting her.
“Ouch” is great because it lets your husband know that you’re hurt, but it doesn’t say “it’s your fault” or “you did something wrong.” And since nobody’s yelling at him or trying to control him, he has some freedom to think about if he maybe did say something unkind. Whether he did or not, you’re teaching him how to treat you.
I used to talk for hours trying to get the same kind of reaction that I now get from a single “ouch.” I used to tell John exactly how he should say things to me—that’s how controlling I was. His response would be to ignore me or tune me out or turn up the TV, none of which were what I wanted, of course. Now I almost always get a quick heartfelt apology, like “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you” or some other acknowledgment that I’m unhappy—which is all I ever wanted.
Some women struggle with the vulnerability of “ouch.” Kristen said she didn’t want to say “Ouch!” because it would let her husband know that he’d hit a tender spot, and she didn’t want to let on that he’d found her Achilles’ heel. She worried that letting him know she was hurt would give valuable information to what seemed like the enemy, and that it could be used against her. That’s the danger of vulnerability: you’re undefended and open.
Once you say “Ouch!” you’re choosing to be vulnerable. And by choosing vulnerability, you’re invoking a sacred trust. Nobody who loves you wants to violate that trust. They want to hold it in safe hands.
But to invoke that sacred trust, you’ll need to say “Ouch!” before the argument gets started.
For instance, let’s say your husband punches you verbally by saying “I don’t understand why you’re so tired all the time. All you do is stay home with the kids all day.” That’s when you would want to say “Ouch!”
If you forget and respond instead by saying, “Maybe I wouldn’t be tired all the time if you would lift a finger to help me out once in a while instead of playing video games all the time,” you have now engaged in a battle. Insults are about to start flying back and forth.
Suddenly you remember to say “Ouch!” but instead of apologizing or calming down, he comes right back at you and verbally punches you again. Then you might think, It’s no use trying to be vulnerable with my husband. He’ll keep right on attacking me, and I have to fight back to protect myself.
The problem with this scenario is that you didn’t say “Ouch!’ until after you said something disrespectful and hurtful. So now his defenses are up too, and it’s hard for him to see your vulnerability because he’s peering out from behind his own fortress wall, thinking he’s under attack. The path back to peace in your marriage now involves you making an apology. Ideally you say “Ouch!” before you engage in a fight with him, so you preserve the peace, the intimacy, and your own dignity.
If you engage in a verbal brawl, you’re saying, “I don’t need you to protect me.” If you respond with authentic hurt and sadness first, the message is “I’m fragile and I need your protection.”
If you feel like your husband is controlling, this is a great way to teach him that you don’t like being told what to do. If he tells you how to drive or how to cut the birthday cake, you can say “Ouch!” to let him know that doesn’t feel good.
You won’t always remember to say “Ouch!” when you’re hurt. As with saying “I miss you,” it’s vulnerable, and it may not always occur to you to say it in the moment. Fortunately, you don’t have to do this perfectly. In fact, if you find yourself replaying a conversation you’ve had with your husband and thinking I should have said “Ouch!” that’s progress. Next time, you probably will.
“Ouch!” is also a good way to communicate with friends, family, and even coworkers. I said “Ouch!” to an old friend once when we were having a heated conversation about a business deal. He accused me of being vindictive; I said “Ouch!” and nothing more.
His response was, “Why are you calling me a jerk?”
I said, “I didn’t call you a jerk.”
He said, “You just said I attacked you.”
I said, “All I said was, ‘Ouch!’”
He said, “Well, why are you saying ‘Ouch!’ if you’re not saying I attacked you? I don’t see anybody else around here.”
At that point, I was feeling very dignified because I was staying on my side of the street. I felt clean. I said how I felt, but I didn’t attack him. Moments later, he apologized for saying I was vindictive. Peace was restored and we both recovered quickly.
One of my coaches, Tatianna, says that when she started saying “Ouch!” in her marriage, her husband followed suit and started saying “Ouch!” too. It changed the whole culture in their home to truncate arguments with that one powerful word.
Jill told me that saying “Ouch” to her husband when he said something hurtful didn’t work because when she said it, he didn’t say he was sorry.
As with all of the Six Intimacy Skills, saying “Ouch!” is about taking care of yourself and keeping your side of the street clean. You can’t control the outcome. But you can avoid further conflict, keep your dignity, and feel better about yourself if you respond to a perceived attack without striking back. That’s the big benefit of saying “Ouch!”
You may also get an apology, which is great, but that’s a bonus. Remember, you can’t control what your husband does—only what you do. Saying “Ouch!” certainly puts the odds in your favor that you will get an apology or some other tender reaction from the man who wants to make you happy and protect you, but you can’t make him apologize. It wouldn’t be all that meaningful if you could. But no matter what, you’ll still get all the fringe benefits—harmony, peace, and intimacy—that go along with expressing your feelings by saying “Ouch!”
What if the moment has passed and you didn’t say “Ouch!”? You’re replaying the incident over and over in your head because he was just so mean, but he doesn’t even know what a jerk he was because you didn’t react at the time. It’s too late to say “Ouch!” because it’s been hours or days or weeks. Now what? How do you let your husband know he hurt you?
Instead of rehashing an old conversation (even if it was just yesterday), try letting the previous conversation go but redoubling your efforts to say “Ouch!’ in the moment going forward. Saying “You know the other day when you said I was always dropping things? That hurt my feelings” is not going to enhance your connection with your husband, so what’s the point? Instead, vent to a girlfriend, sister, or relationship coach. Having someone other than your husband listen to you can go a long way toward soothing your pain, and it won’t put any strain on your marriage or make your husband defensive.
That said, not every girlfriend is a great option for this kind of conversation. Your single girlfriends won’t have the perspective you’re looking for, and anyone who’s going through or recently went through a breakup might find it tempting to pile on about how irresponsible men are, or how selfish, or how cruel. You don’t want this to turn into a male-bashing session! Instead, you want to talk to someone who respects your husband and can listen without complaining about what a jerk he is. Your best bet for someone who will be able to listen without fanning the flames is a friend who has a similar mind-set. I realize that’s not always easy to find, which is one of the reasons I’ve helped bring together a worldwide community of women who are committed to practicing the Six Intimacy Skills and supporting other women in doing the same. We can vent to each other and still hold one another accountable for being the respectful and vulnerable wives we’d like to be. If you have a girlfriend you already trust whom you can enlist in learning and practicing the skills, that’s even better.
It’s not helpful for your connection with your husband to discuss with him your hurt or scared feelings about him, but your feelings do deserve airtime. So make sure to honor and express those feelings somewhere else. The more you preserve the intimacy in your marriage by avoiding comments that are disrespectful to or critical of your husband, the less you’re going to have those hurtful moments. You’ll be too busy laughing together and holding hands.
That said, whenever I coach a woman on how to become more desired, cherished, and adored, we often start with talking about what isn’t working, why she’s not happy, and what she thinks needs to change (usually her husband). Some women start off talking about what losers their husbands are, or how rude, or how stubborn. It’s okay in that context. Start with your pain points and work from there. You won’t stay there, but you get to begin wherever you are.
Jenna wanted my help on how not to overreact to her husband. She felt that she was too sensitive and wanted to figure out a way to not be so easily hurt. But I don’t know of a way to not feel what you feel. Even if I did, I don’t think I’d be eager to suggest it. I don’t see being sensitive as such a problem. I think it’s a gift. We women are often very sensitive. Feeling hurt is not an overreaction—it’s your reaction.
When I’m hurt from an interaction with my husband and I forget to say “Ouch!” I take my process somewhere else instead of to him, like to my sisters, girlfriends, or my tribe of coaches. But at no point am I trying to just suck it up that I’m upset. That never works.
There’s nothing in the Six Intimacy Skills that says to pretend you don’t feel what you feel. I definitely don’t want you to ignore your feelings. That’s not what we do around here. When things come up, we talk about them.
However, I do find that as time goes on and you get better and better at the Six Intimacy Skills, there just isn’t that much to complain about anymore, because your perspective and your reality have changed. As you progress with practicing the Six Intimacy Skills, you’ll probably forget what you used to be so unhappy about.
If you’ve ever felt like you were in competition with your mother-in-law for your husband’s help and attention, perhaps it’s because his mom appears more vulnerable than you.
If you’re working, running the house like a tight ship, parenting the kids, and generally have everything under control, you may not appear to need any help. Complaining that you’re tired, overworked, or overwhelmed is not the same as being vulnerable—quite the opposite. Letting him know you’re having trouble keeping up and asking for help is vulnerable, but most of us hate to admit that.
His mom, however, may be expressing just those sentiments. He feels needed and purposeful when she wants him to install new bookshelves. When he runs over to help her, she probably expresses how very grateful she is. She makes him feel like a hero for coming to her aid. Every man likes to feel like a hero.
If your husband is very attentive to his mother, it’s a sign that he’s loyal and loving, and those are wonderful qualities. It shouldn’t mean you get less help or attention because he devotes so much to her. It may just mean that he feels more needed and more appreciated when he helps her. Chances are good he’d be happy to do the same for you if the invitation was extended with the same vulnerability and appreciation.