A marriage counselor might encourage you to directly communicate the things you’re unhappy about to your husband, so he’ll be aware of them and can do things differently. She might also encourage you to vent, to “get it all out”—but that’s the same as complaining or criticizing, which never works.
Intimacy skills teach you how to get what you want by expressing only the things that are going to contribute to intimacy and serve your desires. Instead of affirming the behaviors that don’t serve you, you’ll be noticing—and therefore creating—the kind of relationship and response that you long for.
“…Expectancy is the atmosphere for miracles.”
—Edwin Louis Cole, Author and Minister
We affirm things all the time. Often we don’t even realize it. We say things like “I’m terrible with money” or “I have intimacy issues,” which may be just the opposite of the experience we want. But what we focus on increases, and when we’re focused on things we don’t want, we end up with more of them.
That’s one great reason for abstaining from self-criticism. You’re actually making a negative affirmation whenever you put yourself down. Every time you say “I’m so disorganized” or “I’m really out of shape,” you’re focusing on and expanding those outcomes.
Affirmations also work on the people around us. Everybody knows how damaging it is to tell a kid he’s stupid, for example: It’s a negative affirmation and he might believe it, even if it’s not true.
Affirmations also affect adults. Author and performance coach Lee Milteer taught a course on how to create a desirable outcome (i.e., better health, more money) by using the power of autosuggestion. During Lee’s course, one woman realized she had been unwittingly affirming that her husband was always losing his temper, which was not what she wanted. What she wanted was to have a peaceful, calm home. She decided she would experiment with saying the opposite of what she had been saying, to see what would happen. She went home and waited for him to lose his temper. She didn’t have to wait very long.
As soon as he started raising his voice and swearing, she used her new affirmation, which was “It’s not like you to lose your temper.” When she said that, her husband looked at her funny. Their young son said, “Yes it is, Mom! He always loses his temper!” because that’s what he’d heard his mom say for his whole life. But the woman stuck to her guns and continued to affirm that it was unlike her husband to lose his temper.
Not long after, the couple went to a restaurant and the service was slow. The husband started to fume, saying he had a good mind to get the manager and let him know how long they’d been waiting. Suddenly he stopped and said to her, “But it’s not like me to lose my temper, is it?”
I too have been guilty of using the power of a spouse-fulfilling prophecy to affirm something I didn’t want. I used to tell my husband to ask for a raise at work, for example. This let him know in a not-so-subtle way that I thought he should be making more money. It’s pretty embarrassing to admit that now, but even worse is that it wasn’t serving me at all. What he heard was the subtext: “You don’t make very much money.” That’s not a good affirmation because it was the opposite of what I wanted. And we ended up in a position where he was out of work and not making any money. What a mess!
Once I connected the dots between what I was saying and what he was hearing, I decided to change it up and create spouse-fulfilling prophecies. I started saying things like “You’ve always been such a good provider”—and looking back, he really had been. Then, just for fun, I started calling him Mr. Moneybags.
It sure felt like a stretch to say that at the time, because I had a lot of fear that we were going to run out of money. But I decided to ignore that feeling and focus on the outcome I wanted.
Shortly thereafter, my husband started a business, which has become extremely successful. He’s run it for more than a decade, and he has consistently been a very good provider. He’s much more successful now than he ever was when he worked for other people, and he has much more flexibility and freedom to boot. He’s also much happier.
I still call him Mr. Moneybags, and now it doesn’t feel false at all. If I say he’s a good provider, it’s because I think it’s absolutely true. I now have plenty of evidence to support that.
Once I made the suggestion on Facebook to try a spouse-fulfilling prophecy of saying “You’re always on time” instead of “You’re always late.” One person responded, “You are encouraging people to lie!” But here’s how I see it. If I say “You’re always late,” nobody accuses me of lying. Complaining, yes—but not lying. But can it possibly be true that someone is always late? Isn’t that also a lie? It’s certainly an exaggeration, at least.
So if you’re going to exaggerate anyway, why not stretch the truth in the direction that serves you best? Why not focus on what you do want instead of what you don’t?
Our perspective changes depending on what we focus on. If we focus on the lack, that’s what we create. If we focus on gratitude, we get more of what we’re thankful for. Your perceptions of your spouse may seem very real, but they actually start with your own view of the world, which only you have control over. Choose your focus wisely.
Interestingly, when you decide to change your focus, you can always find evidence to support your new view. Imagine a court of law, where you are going before a judge and jury to make a case. Could you gather evidence that your husband is thoughtful, loving, and smart? Of course you could. Could you gather evidence that he’s a big loser? Of course you could. Nobody’s all one thing or another. We all have our good points and bad points. Which case do you want to make to the judge and jury? Which one will serve you better? You always get to choose.
Sara was convinced that her husband was useless. She told me he was overweight and too out of shape to play with their kids, that he wasn’t making enough money to support their family, and that he never seemed to want to spend time with them either. It wasn’t hard to see why the guy might be keeping his distance, because I could hear her disgust and hostility in everything she said about him. I’d probably keep my distance from somebody who felt that way about me too.
Sara was already in the habit of reading something inspirational and journaling every morning, so I suggested that she incorporate writing down three things she was grateful for about her husband into that daily routine. We also agreed that she was going to pick a spouse-fulfilling prophecy that she could write in her journal and affirm to her husband. She decided on “You’re a great husband,” although she was moaning and groaning about having to say it. She said, “It doesn’t feel true at all!” But she agreed to experiment with it anyway, just to see what happened. She didn’t really think it was going to change things.
When we spoke again two weeks later, Sara had written her gratitude list faithfully every day and repeated her spouse-fulfilling prophecy in her journal and to her husband. I asked her how things were going and she said, “I’m just so happy that my husband forgives.” When I asked her what she meant by that, she said, “I realize I’ve been very unpleasant to him lately, even though he’s a great husband. I apologized to him and he was so sweet and forgiving. I felt really grateful that he didn’t hold it against me that I was so nasty.”
She also related stories of him being romantic, having success in his new business, and helping her handle the kids when it was time for some discipline. He sounded like a completely different guy.
I couldn’t resist teasing her by asking, “Is this the same loser you were married to two weeks ago?” She said, “I know! I guess I just needed an attitude adjustment. He really is a great husband. I couldn’t see it, but that wasn’t about him, it was about me.”
Her daily gratitude served as evidence for the case that her husband was thoughtful, generous, devoted, and hardworking. She could have used her journal in a court of law to prove that he was a good man and a great husband. Or she could have stuck to her old, tired complaints and proven to the jury that he was an overweight, underearning waste of space.
Sara not only started focusing on what she appreciated about her husband, she began to get more of what she wanted from him because she had changed her attitude. You can bet he was responding to her differently; who wouldn’t? Knowing that someone respects and appreciates you is likely to help you feel more relaxed so you can be yourself. Feeling like you’re being picked on all the time can make anyone defensive.
Gigi was affirming that her husband never wanted to spend time with her when I introduced her to the concept of the spouse-fulfilling prophecy. That weekend they had planned to spend Saturday together, but then he announced that he had made plans with his friend Matt to go cycling instead. When he told her that, she was so hurt that she automatically reverted to her old affirmation. She said, “You never want to spend time with me!” and stormed out of the room. A few minutes later, she remembered about her new spouse-fulfilling prophecy and decided to give it a try even though they were now in the middle of a fight. She went back to him and said, “I’m sorry I said that. I know you want to spend time with me. I’m sure you’ll work it out somehow.” Imagine her surprise when, a few minutes later, he said, “I called Matt back and told him I can’t go cycling today so that we can spend the day together.”
Gigi told me she was shocked at how quickly she got what she wanted with the power of a spouse-fulfilling prophecy.
What negative affirmations do you currently have about your husband? Is he always cranky? Is he stingy? Is he lazy? Is he messy? It’s time to create a spouse-fulfilling prophecy that serves you better. You can decide to focus on how he’s easygoing, generous, industrious, tidy, or anything else.
Often my clients feel awkward using a spouse-fulfilling prophecy because it’s completely different than what they’re used to. Yours will probably feel awkward too at first, or even dishonest. That’s just because you’re stretching into a new perspective. Any change—good or bad—will always feel strange in the beginning. But what have you got to lose by trying to affirm what you want to experience?
A friend of mine who was engaged to a wonderful guy was complaining about how her fiancé was being inconsiderate to her during a very busy period at work. She was unhappy that he never washed the dishes and she was always stuck doing them, which she thought was rude. I suggested that she catch him doing something good to help her change her focus by thanking him when he did wash dishes. She could also let him know how happy it made her when he did them. But it was a no-go for her; she insisted he never washed a single dish. So I suggested that she consider a spouse-fulfilling prophecy, based on how he’d behaved before work got so busy. She could say something like “It’s not like you to leave your dishes for me to clean up.” But my pal was adamant that it just wasn’t going to work. She said, “Look, my fiancé is awesome, but he’s not like your husband. John is much awesomer.”
I took that as a huge compliment, because what I heard her saying was that I focus on how wonderful my husband is. And she’s right—I do focus on that, constantly talking about how often he does things that I like. And because of that, John is very willing to do more things that make me happy because he feels appreciated. In my experience, this is a much awesomer way to live.