Marriage counseling typically focuses on the other person: what he’s not doing or what he does that you don’t like. It may include conversations focused on what he is thinking or what he wants, instead of learning to look inward for answers. This distracts you into fixating on what your husband is doing rather than working to change the only person you can: yourself.
Intimacy skills focus strictly on you. They empower you to transform your relationship by focusing on what you want and expressing it without complaining or blaming. Your desires become a map for where the relationship is going. Once you know what you want and are not afraid to say it—watch out! Feminine desire is a powerful force in the world.
“It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.”
—Lucille Ball, Actress, Comedian, and Film Studio Executive
Before we were married, John and I went on vacation to Hawaii. We were still a new couple, and it was the eighties so I had a big perm, but that’s not the most embarrassing part of this story. The most embarrassing part is that I had no idea how to honor my desires or express them. As a result, I was cranky a lot.
We had just arrived on the island for our romantic getaway. It seemed to me that anybody in Hawaii would want to go to the beach because hello! We were in Hawaii. So we got up in the morning and instead of saying “I can’t wait to hit the beach,” I asked John, “What do you want to do today?”
I fully expected him to say, “Let’s go to the beach.”
Instead he said, “I’d like to check out the volcanoes.”
Huh?
We’d only been dating for five months, and I was trying to be considerate because I thought that was what you should do to have a good relationship. So instead of saying, “Really? I want to hit the beach,” I just said, “Okay.”
That was my idea of being a good girlfriend: not telling him what I wanted because it was different than what he wanted. I figured if I expressed my desire, there would be a conflict because we wanted different things. I thought that meant there would have to be a winner and a loser. I didn’t want a conflict; I wanted to stay close and connected. And I had asked him what he wanted to do, so it seemed rude to say I wanted to do something else.
This was not a good setup, because as we were driving around that hot day looking at all the boring molten rocks, I kept thinking about how we could have been on the beautiful beach playing in the waves. I started getting irritable, thinking about how it was all John’s fault that I was stuck in the car. I thought about what a sacrifice I was making for him and how he hadn’t even asked me what I wanted to do. I started to fume and sigh and roll my eyes. Finally he asked me what was wrong, and I let it all out—not in a nice way.
“Why are we looking at ugly rocks when we’re in Hawaii and we could be playing in the waves on the beach?” I shrieked. “What’s so exciting about looking at stupid volcanoes? Who would even want to do that? Did you think this would be fun? Because I don’t! I think it’s a huge waste of time!”
I was in a full-blown rage over not getting to go to the beach, even though I’d never said I wanted to go to the beach. The poor guy couldn’t figure out where he’d gone wrong. He never had a chance.
I know this brings up a lot of questions about how I ever managed to get married, because later when we were reflecting on the trip and laughing about this incident, John told me that my face turned all red and my permed hair was sticking up so that I looked like a crazy person. He got to see a volcano all right—just not the kind he’d been expecting.
We did go to the beach right after that (even after the scene I’d caused, John still wanted to make me happy), but I didn’t much enjoy it. I felt awful after using that shrill voice and working myself into hysterics. I remember apologizing over and over and asking him if he was mad, if he still liked me, if he forgave me. I had completely lost my dignity. It was really unpleasant and unattractive, even to me.
It was also terrifying, because I knew that I might drive him away by acting like that, and then I’d be alone. I didn’t even want to be around myself when I sounded like that.
I feel sad for that younger version of me who couldn’t figure out how to say what she wanted without making a demand, having an expectation, or starting a fight. Since I didn’t say anything about my desires, I knew I wasn’t going to get them, and that was frustrating. But just shoving my desires to the side and then exploding later was not a good strategy. Each time I did, it chipped away not only at the intimacy between us, but also at my dignity when my desperate feelings came out sideways.
Now that I know how to honor and express my desires without expectation, demand, or manipulation, I’m less likely to ask someone else what he wants without first turning that question to myself: What do I want?
I even keep a list.
When I first discovered the Six Intimacy Skills, I started writing down my desires nearly every day. Now it’s a habit. I’ve kept it up for over a decade because I consider my list essential to my happiness, which is essential to having a happy relationship. Plus, it’s awfully fun to dream and think about what I want for a few minutes every day.
I update my list frequently because my desires are always changing. That’s my prerogative as a woman—to change my mind. I keep updating my list so I’ve got my finger on the pulse of what I want.
You may have some resistance to the suggestion that you focus on your desires every single day. For one thing, you may be wondering how we got so far off topic. Aren’t we supposed to be talking about how to have a better relationship? You might think I’m not getting that you’re in an unhappy marriage and that until that changes you won’t be happy. Maybe the thing you want most is a happy marriage, and that would be at the top of your list of desires.
That was what I wanted too, for years. But I also wanted a new bed, a weekend getaway to Palm Springs, a pedicure, a tougher volleyball serve, to work from home, to remodel the kitchen, a girls’ night out, and time to read with a cup of tea. Until I turned my attention to the things I wanted, my marriage continued to flounder. That’s partly because I thought it was my husband’s job to make me happy. When I was unhappy, I thought it was because he wasn’t making me happy.
I had it all wrong. I was unhappy because I wasn’t making myself happy. I hadn’t been tuning in to the subtle marching orders my soul was giving me. Instead of honoring even a simple desire—that I yearned to go for a walk on a crisp fall afternoon, for example—I’d make myself stay at my desk and get my work done because I thought that was the more responsible thing to do. Then I’d end the day frazzled and irritable. That’s no way to have a happy marriage, which flows a lot better when you’re in a good mood.
When I started turning my attention to my desires, it was pretty hard for me. At first I came up empty: I had no idea what I wanted. A lot of my clients have the same problem. That’s how far away we are from ourselves—we don’t even know what we want!
But as I focused on my desires more, I realized that as soon as I thought of something I wanted, I almost always had an immediate thought about why I couldn’t have it, which made me feel bad. I discovered that I had a habit of dismissing my desires before they even bubbled all the way to the surface because it was no fun to think about what I was never going to get. So instead of acknowledging a desire, I’d squelch it because I was sure I couldn’t have it.
As you can imagine, that’s not a very empowering approach to life. Here are a few examples of the depressing thought-loops I used to have:
Example #1:
My desire: “I want to live by the beach.”
First thought: “We can’t afford a house at the beach.”
Conclusion: “We can never move and will be stuck in this house forever.”
How I felt: Hopeless and stuck.
Example #2:
My desire: “I want to take Mondays off from work.”
First thought: “My boss would never allow that.”
Conclusion: “I have to keep working five days a week, which means work is going to keep draining me and taking up all my time and energy.”
How I felt: Hopeless and stuck.
Example #3:
My desire: “I want to hit harder in volleyball.”
My first thought: “I’m too short and don’t jump very high or swing very hard.”
Conclusion: “I’m stuck playing at the level I play now.”
How I felt: You guessed it—hopeless and stuck.
No wonder I didn’t want to think about my desires! It made me feel terrible.
It wasn’t a very fulfilling way of thinking, but it all happened so fast that I didn’t even realize what was going on. I just knew I felt hopeless and stuck…again. I don’t even know how I got started dismissing my desires like that, but it was a well-worn habit that was not only keeping me from getting the things I wanted, it was hurting my marriage.
If only I had known how to stop and linger on the desires that were underneath my negative thoughts! That would have saved me years of being grumpy.
When I talk about honoring my desires, I don’t necessarily mean that I always make them happen, although I do frequently get what I want these days. Honoring my desires simply means I acknowledge them, even if they seem impossible or impractical or that having them would make me lose something else I love. I admit my desires to myself. I tell them to other people. I write them on my list, no matter how outlandish.
Some of the benefits of this habit are:
• Just entertaining the idea of the things I desire is fun, and it puts me in a better mood than dismissing them does.
• I can head toward my desire, trusting that it’s leading me in an exciting and gratifying direction.
• Knowing what I want makes me feel passionate, which is an attractive quality. The world responds to passion and often rearranges so I get what I want.
• Some of my desires are pretty humble and easy to fulfill once I know what they are.
One of my clients, Katie, had a hard time seeing how honoring her desires would make any difference in her life. She and her husband worked together as business coaches, and as a result they were together almost all the time. She longed for some solitude—time to write in a journal or just stare out the window—but she had a hard time recognizing her desire.
Katie’s pure desire: “I want some time to myself.”
Her next thought: “I can’t just tell my husband to go away and leave me alone, because that would be rude. I shouldn’t have gotten married if I want to be alone so badly.”
Therefore: “Because I’m married, I can never have any time to myself.”
How she felt: Trapped and resentful.
As a result of this line of thinking, Katie’s husband was getting on her very last nerve no matter what he did. His mere presence was a reminder that she could never have the solitude she craved.
During her coaching sessions, Katie had a hard time acknowledging that she wanted solitude, because she was afraid that her desire meant she wasn’t cut out for marriage and that she’d made a mistake in saying “I do.” She feared that admitting she longed to be alone would be the beginning of the end of her marriage.
But after weeks of me asking her about her desires and what she was doing for her own pleasure, Katie decided to give herself an entire weekend away from everyone, including her husband, for the purpose of being able to listen to her own voice. She booked a beach house an hour out of town and spent some great solitary time reading, contemplating, meditating, and refreshing her spirit. By the end of the weekend, she was eager to reconnect with the man she loved, who had been completely supportive of her taking the time she wanted.
In the weeks following, Katie’s work life took off. She was more connected to her desire to help the businesses in her community prosper, and she planned and executed an industry event that made a powerful, lasting impact on the business community in her city. Katie described the feeling of empowerment that resulted from the process of honoring her desire for solitude as sweeping and thrilling. Every area of her life was improved once she began honoring her desires.
“That’s nice for Katie,” you might be thinking, “but I have kids and a job and a home to maintain. I could never take a weekend off.” That’s what Katie thought too. That’s what I used to think. But we both discovered that honoring our desire is the first step to getting what we want.
So start by honoring your desire without jumping to any conclusions, even if you think it’s totally impossible. Just give your desire its moment in the sun, and don’t listen to the voices telling you it’s impossible. Just say or write “I want _____,” filling in whatever is true for you.
When you go to write your list of desires, you might come up empty at first. You may be tempted to skip this step. Maybe you think it’s silly or pointless. Maybe you think you know what you want and don’t need to spend time writing it down or talking about it. Maybe you’ve spent so long shutting down your own desires that you can’t really hear them. Maybe you don’t want to commit to a desire because you think you may change your mind. And you know what? You probably will. It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. You can even have several contradictory desires at the same time if you want, and it won’t hurt your intimacy a bit.
Here’s another embarrassing story to show you what I mean.
John and I were packing to move to a house I was very excited about—the one by the beach that I had wanted. As I was packing, I started to get sad about leaving behind the purple hydrangeas in our front yard and the back patio where we had salsa danced during our anniversary party. When John asked me what was wrong, I said, “I don’t want to leave our house!” and started crying.
John tried to make me happy. He said, “We can tell them that we don’t want to buy the new house after all. We can stay here if you want.”
“But I want to move to the new house!” I said.
At that point there wasn’t much he could do for me, because my desires were totally contradictory! So he just patted me on the back and said “There, there.” No harm, no foul. I got to say what I wanted and express my sadness, and he witnessed that for me. There was a nice connection between us despite the complete lack of reason on my part.
Sometimes we don’t want to acknowledge what we want because we think the price will be too high or the disappointment of not getting it will sting too much. But I’ve found that it’s actually more painful and disappointing to skip acknowledging the desire, and it’s much more exciting and delightful to spend time thinking about it.
You may feel some resistance or fear about this, but don’t worry—it gets easier with practice, and I’ve never yet had a client die from writing down her desires.
Here’s my list of desires for today:
• A hula hoop
• A clean garage
• To sleep in on Sundays
• To see a summer concert at an amphitheater
• A facial
• Sushi for lunch
• Two more coaches for the upcoming training
• A tougher volleyball serve
• To send my book proposal to my agent this week
• To go for a walk
What’s on your list? Write it on your phone or jot it in the margins of your book or on the napkin under your latte. Just write it down. You’re going to need it for the next chapter when I show you how to express your desires in a way that inspires the man you married, even if it doesn’t seem like he cares about what you want right now.
I will also explain why your desires are the North Star of your relationship: an important guide the two of you will use for navigation once you know how to honor them.