A marriage counselor might suggest setting a timer when you and your husband talk, so you can each listen for an equal amount of time, or that during a conversation the speaker holds a wooden spoon to show who has the floor, in order to avoid talking over each other.
Intimacy skills help you create emotional safety in everyday conversations. Using phrases like “Whatever you think” and “I hear you” will help you have the kind of conversations you’ve always wanted—no timers or wooden spoons required.
“The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases.”
—Nia Vardalos, Actress, Screenwriter, and Director
One of the most powerful phrases I ever learned for showing my husband that I trust him is “Whatever you think.” The reason I like it so much is that it conveys my faith in him and his judgment. I wholeheartedly trust him now, but I didn’t always.
In weak moments, I occasionally revert back to thinking that I’m the smarter person in our marriage. But having thought that for years, I can tell you it’s a lonely place that I don’t like to visit anymore. Today I choose respect regardless of whether I feel that I know better than him or not. My connection with my husband is a higher priority than needing to demonstrate that I am a smarty pants.
When I say “Whatever you think,” I’m choosing to be the trusting, respectful wife that I aspire to be even if I’m inclined to think my husband is just plain wrong. I use that phrase so much now that it’s second nature.
There was a time when my default was to tell John everything I was thinking, including where he was being illogical, ridiculous, or impractical. His response was to withdraw. He stopped sharing a lot of his thoughts with me because he thought I would just shoot them down. And I wondered why he wouldn’t confide in me!
When I realized I had been making him feel unsafe to share just about anything, I felt terrible. I decided to accept whatever he thought was best about anything that was his responsibility (his work, his car, his clothes). Then I extended my policy to anything he was handling (bills, tree trimming, tax returns) that affected both of us.
Using the phrase “whatever you think” was a salve to the wounds I had inflicted on my husband. It wasn’t long before he was sharing openly with me again. I realized that a lot of what he was saying was just thinking out loud. Some of it was about his to-do list, as in “I don’t have time to take the car in for that recall right now” or “Do you think I should FedEx this paperwork to my client or send it through the mail?”
There was really no need for me to comment on these musings, except to reinforce his good judgment with a quick “Whatever you think.”
Sometimes it was a flight of fancy, as in “They’re talking about sending people to Mars. I think I’ll go.” Mars, huh? That sounds like he’ll be gone a while. But instead of protesting a trip that would likely never happen, I say, “Whatever you think.”
Sometimes he was juggling bills, as in “I’m paying the mortgage now, and I’ll pay the property taxes at the last minute on Wednesday.” Sounds a little dicey to me, but that gets a “Whatever you think” out of me too.
Suddenly I was telling him that I trusted him—even though I didn’t necessarily feel like I trusted him—and that was strange. But at the same time, I was showing up as the wife I wanted to be: a respectful one with whom he felt safe to share his innermost thoughts.
Over time, I started to realize that I actually trusted him as much as I was saying I did. My words were an affirmation that changed my reality.
It’s not easy to say “Whatever you think” at first.
Mandy said that when she first said “Whatever you think” to her husband, it felt like sawdust in her mouth. Over time, though, the words helped her gain so much in her marriage that she now says they taste as sweet as honey. If you don’t like using these words at first, think of them as an acquired taste. They might become one of your favorites.
“Whatever you think” were the first words that Kathy latched on to from the Six Intimacy Skills. Like me, Kathy was in the habit of managing her husband Doug and every decision in their household, so he was well trained to check with her about how she wanted things done to avoid getting in trouble later. They had been fighting and distant for years despite—or maybe because of—regular marriage counseling.
On this day, Doug approached her in the usual way with some options about their cell phone plan, asking which one she thought they should pick. Kathy used the magic words “Whatever you think.”
Doug was so taken aback that he asked her a second time. “No, really, I need to know what you want me to do here,” he said.
But Kathy stuck to her guns. “Whatever you think,” she said with a smile. “I trust you.”
Things changed that evening. Kathy crawled into the same bed with her husband for the first time in six months. He said, “Gee, you were so nice tonight.” Doug felt respected and Kathy felt dignified about having faith in her husband instead of telling him what to do. That night was a symbolic turning point and the beginning of a new, more intimate relationship that they still enjoy.
Sometimes when I suggest that women use the phrase “Whatever you think,” they modify it to say, “Whatever you want.” But I see a big difference between those two phrases. Your husband wants to be respected and trusted, but he also wants to know what you want so he can make you happy. When you say “Whatever you want,” what he hears is, “I’m not going to tell you how to make me happy. You just have to figure it out. Good luck.”
I know it’s only one tiny word of difference between “whatever you think” and “whatever you want,” but to your husband, that is a big deal. If you don’t provide the answer, you’re making his job harder.
If your husband asks, “Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?” and you say “Whatever you want,” that’s not deferring him back to his own thinking or showing respect. That’s simply not giving him any clue about what would make you happy and expecting him to figure it out. If the question is about your preference, consider saying “Italian would be great,” or “How about that new sushi place down the street?” That would provide him with information he needs to be the hero. Or if you really wanted to, you could say, “How about if you surprise me?” That’s also a way of expressing your preference.
In order to feel successful, our husbands need to know what we want. If we don’t tell them, they’re stuck. They don’t really know which direction to go. They have no North Star to navigate by.
When your husband asks for your preference or desire, figure out what that is and let him know. When he’s making a decision for his own life or for something he handles for both of you, that’s a good time to defer to his thinking.
Hilary learned this the hard way when her husband asked her what movie she wanted to see and she said, “Whatever you think.” In that case, he was asking for her preference, but she didn’t give it to him. Instead she essentially said, “Let’s see a movie you like.” So, left to his own devices, her husband picked a prisoner-of-war story with plenty of torture scenes, which Hilary found depressing. Maybe she didn’t know exactly what she wanted to see when he asked, but it’s too bad she didn’t at least say, “I would love to see a musical or maybe a comedy?” since that was her preference.
Here’s a concept that was quite shocking to me at first: I can listen to my husband so that he feels really heard without agreeing or disagreeing with him.
Honestly, this idea completely changed my life. I had previously assumed that if he said something—anything—it was up to me to say “You’re right” or “Yeah, that makes sense” if I agreed. But if I didn’t agree, I thought it was my responsibility to say, “I think you’re looking at this all wrong” or, possibly, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I don’t have to agree or disagree. I don’t have to weigh in. I don’t have to share my experience. I don’t have do anything but listen, and the phrase that helps me do that best is “I hear you.”
We all have a deep need to be heard and understood. Listening to your husband is both a form of respect and a fundamental part of loving him. The phrase “I hear you” is so fantastically neutral and at the same time so validating, it does the job beautifully. It says, “I’m listening to you. I’m here. What you say matters”—and nothing more.
I started out saying “I hear you” to my husband, and I soon found myself saying it to my sisters, friends, coworkers, parents, and everybody else, as well. It’s such a delight to simply listen without having to respond in a particular way. I enjoy deeper connections with everyone I love, and I notice many of them echo the same phrase back to me.
It’s not always easy to listen without comment. At my “Cherished for Life” retreat, we do an exercise that drives this point home. During the exercise, two strangers partner up and one of them talks for two minutes straight about a problem or a challenge she’s having. The other woman’s job is to listen to her and say either “I hear you” or “uhhuh,” and nothing more. Afterward, the woman who was speaking feels really heard, and the woman who was listening endured and triumphed over the temptation to comment in some way. One common response after this exercise is “I see what a gift it is to have someone just listen.” Another is “I feel so connected to my partner,” even if the two women only just met.
It may not come naturally to only say “I hear you” to your husband. A lot of women find it challenging to ignore the opinion or knowledge that pops into her head when her husband is talking. It takes some patience and maturity to choose to listen.
One of the coaches on my team recently said, “I have a client who really hates the phrase “I hear you,” and she’s asking if there’s an alternative.”
“Yes,” I answered wryly. “Tell her to try ‘Whatever you think.’”
Naturally, neither of those phrases is easy to say when you’re thinking “I know the answer. I’m right in this situation. I can fix everything, save time and money, and help him be more efficient.” Of course, you always have the option to just say whatever you’re thinking—your opinion, your advice, your fears.
But I’ve found that that inclination is never as satisfying as I expect it to be. For one thing, I don’t always know what’s best, even when I think I do. I’m an expert on my own life, and my husband is the expert on his. My nephew is the expert on his life, my mom is the expert on her life, and no matter how invested I am, no matter how much I want the world for them, I don’t really know what’s best for them. Only they do.
Hearing myself say “Whatever you think” and “I hear you” is a good way for me to remind myself that I know only a little. Getting to hear what my loved ones are really thinking about and what matters to them is the prize I want most of all. The honor of hearing their vulnerability because they feel safe confiding in me is worth forgoing the pleasure of saying something really smart in that moment.
I didn’t like the idea of saying “I hear you.” I wasn’t excited to say “Whatever you think” either—until I tried them. I loved the response I got. It was so empowering. And I never would have gotten there without those magic phrases to rely on. Will they work for you? You’re the expert on your own life, so only you know for sure. But consider giving them a try to see how it goes.
The other thing to ask yourself when you’re really tempted to give your husband your opinion is: What is the outcome I want? As a wife, expressing your desire is always going to be more powerful than debating or disagreeing with his thinking, which is disrespectful.
When Jenny heard about a friend’s dog having puppies, she found herself wanting one. She came home gushing and told her husband Derrick how much she would love to have a puppy.
Derrick was not excited at all. “Puppies destroy everything,” he told her, “and it’s so much work to get them housebroken. They wake you up in the middle of the night, and they bark. One of us would always have to be around, and we both work. I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”
Jenny was disappointed, but she didn’t argue. She respectfully said, “I hear you,” and let it go. She didn’t tell Derrick that he was wrong about getting a puppy, but she also didn’t stop wanting one. She continued to express her longing for a puppy from time to time as one of her pure desires. But whenever she did so, she was completely respectful, never contradicting her husband.
A little while later, Derrick came home with a puppy from the litter that Jenny had fallen for, saying, “Surprise! I got you a puppy!” Jenny was ecstatic and felt so adored by her husband. The two of them enjoyed bonding with their new dog and Derrick loved knowing he’d made his wife really happy.
At the same time, Jenny’s friend Meredith was also craving a puppy from the same litter. Instead of expressing a desire to her husband, though, she said, “I’ve been thinking, and I decided we really need to get a puppy.” She made a case for why she thought they needed a puppy, but Simon didn’t agree at all. “I don’t think we need one, and I don’t think we should get one. I’m not interested,” he said. Meredith approached the puppy conversation as a debate instead of a desire, so Simon didn’t see it as an opportunity to make his wife happy.
Meredith brought home a puppy anyway, hoping that Simon would warm up to it, but he didn’t. In fact, Simon and the puppy were at odds from day one. Meredith was surprised that anyone could be hostile to a cute little puppy, but for Simon, the puppy represented his wife overriding his thinking and proof that she didn’t respect him. And Meredith continued to believe that her husband was an uncaring jerk.
So what’s the difference between the tales of these two puppies? Jenny approached it from an emotionally honest place: her authentic desire. She got the puppy, as well as her husband’s blessing and participation, and everyone was happy. Whereas Meredith approached it first as a debate by giving her opinion, and then like a steamroller, insisting that she get her way no matter what her husband had to say about it. As a result of this disrespectful approach, she ended up with tension and hostility in her marriage and a new pet that her husband disdained.
Here’s another example of the power of expressing your desire over giving your opinion. Dinner was on the table and Ruth was hungry, but there was no sign of her husband. She found him in the basement with their washing machine, which was broken and filled with water. He was trying to bail out the water using an old laundry detergent container with a narrow opening.
Ruth’s first thought was This is going to take forever. She was tempted to tell him her opinion—that he should stop doing it that way and get a better container—but that would have been disrespectful.
Instead she asked herself what she wanted, and the answer was to eat. So she said only, “Honey, I’d like to have dinner now.”
Her husband looked up and said, “Yeah, you’re probably right. This isn’t very efficient anyway. It would probably take forever to do it this way, and I can do it later.”
With that, they went upstairs to have a dinner free of tension and bickering, all because Ruth treated her husband with respect.