Joan was beginning to really look like a swan—she was metamorphosing into the beauty she had always been on the inside. There would be no end to what she could accomplish once she had reached her full potential. Joan was beginning to get excited, but her work had not yet ended. She knew she had to continue to be honest with herself, and speaking of ends, hers was a mess! Joan knew her flat ass was to asses as Yoko Ono’s singing voice was to the sounds of cats mating while trapped in a bag.
Thanks to J.Lo, Joan knew that men liked a round bootylicious butt, and she decided that she would do anything to get one as she NEEDED to be “Joanie from the Block.”
She had been invited to a big birthday party that night by her Barbie neighbor next door and was being fixed up with a single straight guy, with a job. Joan knew she didn’t have time to get padding, so she rushed to a party supply store and bought two helium-filled Mylar balloons. She carefully shoved them into her bloomers and arrived at the party with a butt that, well, kicked ass!
Her blind date could not stop staring at Joan’s round bottom and she was thrilled as she knew this time she was making herself beautiful on her own without help from a doctor or a needle. Joan was beaming, until dinner was served. She had not factored in how dangerous it might be to sit down.
Halfway through the appetizer, the Mylar balloons released a double-barreled stereo fart, the likes of which had not been heard since Guinness inducted the world’s largest whoopee cushion into its annals. Joan was mortified. She excused herself, making up some crazy story about forgetting to take her Beano. Needless to say, she was defeated and deflated. Her date left with someone else, and Joan met with a plastic surgeon the next day to get exactly what she felt like—an ass. The cute young doctor (single, straight, and Jewish, incidentally) was instantly smitten with Joan, and she felt the same attraction towards him …
“You’re right. Men do like big boobs,” said David Matlock, a board-certified gynecological surgeon. “But they also like a tight vagina.”
Dr. Matlock, who is the trademark holder for the phrases “Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation,” “Designer Laser Vaginoplasty,” “G-Spot Amplification,” and “G-Shot,” does hundreds of surgeries every year on women’s private parts in his Los Angeles surgical practice, so he should know.
Is this cosmetic surgery’s final frontier? The va-jay-jay is getting lifted, tucked, and resurfaced. Although fewer than 1,500 women and a smattering of transsexuals had vaginoplasty in 2007, the procedure is getting more popular. In Los Angeles, everyone’s talking about it. They’re not all putting their money where their genitals are—yet. But it seems inevitable that down-under beauty has come of age.
When the baby boomers get as old as I am, they will learn the hideous truth that I wish my mother had warned me about: one day, your vagina will fall out. It’s just like how men’s balls drop, and they can start playing golf with them.
I woke up a few months ago, and I thought, Why am I wearing a bunny slipper? And why is it gray? Then I realized, That’s my vagina!
It can be a good thing, though. When you get a hot flash, you can wipe your forehead with your vagina. When you’re sixty, you can have sex in the bedroom and watch TV in the living room—at the same time. If these prospects don’t appeal to you, however, you can have your vagina retooled. And I don’t mean by the hunky handyman.
Plastic surgeons offer a procedure to tighten the nether regions to make you like a virgin, which I’ll describe in minute detail. Or, you can have yourself sewn back together so that your vagina stays inside you, where your husband can find it. Otherwise, it’s like he’s lost the keys again. Honestly, no one wants to be in bed and hear her husband ask, “Honey, have you seen your vagina? I can’t find it anywhere. I looked in all the usual places.”
Ten years ago, who’d have thought that women would care about the appearance of their bits and pieces? Until now, that area was the only part of a woman’s body we weren’t self-conscious about. Men, on the other hand, have always been anxiety-ridden about their penises, ever since the first cavewoman asked, “Is it in yet?”
The days of carefree disregard for our vulvas and vaginas are officially over. A critic would say that the doctors who invented these procedures were digging deep into women’s bottomless pit of insecurity. And that critic would be right!
You could also blame Internet pornography. A new generation of men has gotten so used to the vaginas they see on screen that they have no idea what real ones look like.* Porn stars were some of the first to get their vaginas fixed. Adult film mega-star Jenna Jameson, author of How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, had her bits overhauled (allegedly). And, as reported at gossip sites, she’s not happy about it. I read she’s holed up (as it were) until she can get herself re-done.
Like most cosmetic surgeries, the goal of a vagina lift is to make the woman look refreshed, tighter, and younger. Unfortunately, your vagina has one sign of its true age, no matter what you do to it.
Most people don’t know this, but a man can tell a woman’s age by counting the rings in her uterus. To do so, however, he needs a flashlight. And a miner’s hat. If you make love in the dark, though, your vagina will be only as old as it looks.
As well as aesthetic enhancement, vaginal renovation tightens the area, too. Roseanne Barr said she got a vaginal rejuvenation, and now she’s got “a va-junior.”
The vaginal muscles get stretched out from childbirth. Vaginal rejuvenation can help. The goal is to shrink the circumference of the interior vagina. To make the tunnel a tighter squeeze, for greater erotic pleasure during intercourse. Also, vaginal tightening improves bladder control and can reduce vaginal farting.*
Other down-under procedures trim the lips for a neater appearance, add or decrease volume to the pudenda, and even restore virginity!
I’m not sure how I feel about women taking lasers to their genitals to look like porn stars. But if you’re preoccupied by the appearance of your vulva, or if you have an abnormality that causes pain or chafing, or are completely loose inside from delivering nine-pound babies, then get to the seat of the problem and consider surgical/ vaginal intervention.
I asked Dr. Matlock to explain the latest procedures being done in this field, including:
To tighten a vagina that’s been loosened by childbirth and aging, you can have the tunnel narrowed to your specifications (one-finger, two finger, etc.). “Women say, ‘I want to be sixteen again,’ ” he said. “It’s all about increasing friction. The problem my patients have is vaginal relaxation, from childbirth usually. I go in, take the laser, open up the lining of the vagina, tighten the muscles with suture material on the top, bottom, and inside, to decrease the diameter. And we make them look pretty at the same time.”
He said 98 percent of his patients opt for general anesthesia, along with a pudendal block that keeps their insides numb for eighteen to twenty-four hours. When that wears off, the level of pain is similar to recovering from an episiotomy. The patient can go back to work in seven days, and have sex again in six weeks.
Risks: Like any surgery, be wary of bleeding and infection. The chances are less than one percent, but you might end up with hypo-sensation, or hypersensation (too little feeling or too much). In some cases, women ask for a vagina that turns out to be too tight. The surgeon can fix that in quick follow-up surgery
Rewards: Enhanced sexual gratification. Yes, for your husband. For you? Maybe.
$$$$: $9,000 to $10,800.
To reduce the labia minora (the inner lips) that protrude too far out of the labia majora (the outer lips), the doctor will use a laser for trimming and suture for closing the wounds. Having extensive labia minora overhang can cause pain and chafing while playing sports as well as during sex. Doctors use a laser to make the incisions, cutting in a semi-circular contour to get rid of the slack labia minora, and then stitching it up with dissolving sutures. Most women choose local numbing and sedation, or twilight anesthesia, where you’re half asleep. You’ll be back at work in seven days, back in the saddle in six weeks.
Risks: Same as above. Bleeding, infection. Loss of sensation or possibly too much feeling. The side effects are rare.
Rewards: You can wear sexy underwear without worrying that your lips are showing. And save a fortune on Chapstick. You can go running without injuring your parts.
$$$: $8,000 to $9,000.
The labia majora, or outer lips, thin with age. Just another place where you have age-related fat loss in another place you’d like to keep it. To plump up the labia majora for a younger-looking vulva, your best option is a fat transfer. The doctor sucks the fat out of you where you don’t need it, treats it to prepare it for transfer, and then injects the purified adipose into your outer vaginal lips. If the cells can form a new blood supply, they’ll nestle into their new home happily. Otherwise, they’ll be absorbed by the body. Expect to keep about half of the fat transferred.
For this reason, often doctors will overfill the transfer area. Expect to spend a few days off your feet with your legs spread wide open before you can close them comfortably. You’ll want serious local anesthesia in both areas, the place where you harvest the fat and where you transfer it to, as well as sedation. Since there are no open wounds to heal and the incisions are so small you don’t need stitches, you’ll be back at work the next day, back to sex in a week.
Risks: The usual. Bleeding and infection. Otherwise, the chance that the fat won’t stick, and you’ll have to do it again.
Rewards: Purely cosmetic.
$$: $5,000
For aesthetic or erotic reasons, some women want the flap of skin that covers the clitoris—the prepuce—reduced and to have a thin membrane that’s draped prettily over the clitoris. Doctors liken this aesthetic procedure to a circumcision, the reduction of the female version of a foreskin—not to be confused with the horrible mutilation done to women in Africa. It’s done under local or general, whichever his patient wants. She’ll be back at work in a week, can have sex again in six weeks.
Risks: Bleeding, infection. Loss of sensation or too much sensation.
Rewards: It looks nicer, the clitoris is easier to find, and sensation might be accentuated.
$$$: $8,000 to $9,000
To tighten the area of skin between the vagina and the anus. The perineum is where the introitus muscles are located—the ones that keep the vaginal opening narrow. If you have a large opening, this procedure can narrow it. Another procedure that’s all about using a laser to make incisions, and then the surgeon stitches everything tighter with dissolving sutures. You can have sedation and local numbing or general anesthesia. You’ll be right as rain for work in a week and can road-test the new vaginal opening in six weeks.
Risks: Mainly infection and bleeding.
Rewards: A smaller opening. Good sexually for both of you.
$$$: $6,000 to $8,000
Yes, Virginia, you can have your hymen reattached and be a virgin all over again. Apparently, Middle Eastern women who go to college in America have their fun and then return to Egypt and Saudi Arabia for their arranged marriages to men who demand virgin brides, can get a potentially lifesaving hymenoplasty.
If you’ve had children—via vaginal delivery—the scraps of your hymen are beyond restoration, so forget it. Those who haven’t given birth yet can undergo this procedure, which is done under local anesthesia. It’s a bit like fixing a torn earlobe. When the hymen, a thin membrane about a third of the way in the vagina, is broken, it doesn’t disappear. The torn parts remain in place. To re-fuse them together, the doctor has to re-open the skin, “de-nude” it, to create an open wound. He’ll stitch two open parts together, and, during healing, they’ll reconnect. When the patient has sex again, the man will feel resistance, and she’ll bleed a bit when the restored hymen tears.
Risks: Infection, bleeding, but so minimal it’s almost not worth mentioning.
Rewards: Not being killed on your wedding night.
$$: $2,400 to $5,000
If you think you’ve got a fat vagina, this is for you. Incredibly, this procedure is billed to treat women who have unsightly fat bulges in their vulva.* It’s a small lipo procedure, done wherever you have fat deposits on the pubic mound or the lips.
“It’s liposculpting,” said Dr. Matlock. “Women want to get rid of the fat that sags into the upper half of the labia majora. A nineteen-year-old ballerina came in and said she was self-conscious in her tutu. It showed too much, looked puffy.” So, she had her vulva suctioned to be as skinny as the rest of her. A micro-cannula is put in the fatty area, and the excess adipose is sucked out. You’ll want local numbing and sedation for this.
Risks: Infection, bleeding, bruising, swelling. Just like any lipo procedure, you might have bumps.
Rewards: After you’ve been reduced, don’t expect people to come up to you at parties and say, “Have you lost weight? What’s your secret?” But you’ll look less rounded in panties and bathing suits. Without too much fat cushion, you might feel more sensation during intercourse.
$$$: $6,000 to $8,000
Another brand new “lunchtime procedure,” this procedure is quick and easy. The doctor will give you a shot of local anesthetic, and then he’ll inject human-derived collagen into the G-spot area on the anterior wall of your vagina. You have to wear a tampon for several hours.* The results will last four months, until the collagen is absorbed by your body. Ideally, a plumped up G-spot will mean added erotic intensity, loads more fun in bed. The procedure takes half an hour. There was a study that claimed 87 percent of women reported enhanced sexual arousal and gratification from this procedure. You can go back to work immediately.
Risks: None. No allergic reaction to collagen. No cutting, and therefore you’re safe from infection and bleeding.
Rewards: Better sex. G-spot stimulation that might otherwise have been neglected.
$$: $1,850 for a single shot, $2,500 for double.
Why have Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Biel, and Jessica Alba risen to fame and fortune? Is it because they all have names that begin with the letter J? Is it their pretty faces? It’s definitely not their acting talent.
It’s because of their rears! Scarlett Johansson is a very talented actress, but her rear end emotes more depth of feeling than all of Lindsay Lohan’s parts combined. There’s a reason Johansson is so often filmed from behind. Her behind!
A high, hard ass is a thing of beauty we can all appreciate. If your booty is rounded, firm (yet pliant), and undimpled, men will form a line behind you as you walk down the street. We all know there are men who consider themselves connoisseurs of women’s breasts and legs. But every man is an ass man. * This is why they might not check you out (overtly) when you’re coming toward them, but they’ll always turn around to check out the rear view as you walk by. They can’t help themselves. When men come eye-to-cheek with a bouncy butt, they go soft in the brain.
Unfortunately, not all women were born with a million-dollar tush. The J. Lo ass is a gift from God and good genes.
That said, you can make improvements on the rump you’ve got: bigger, smaller, higher, smoother. With enough money and time, you could probably train your husband to sit up and beg!
Liposuction is the number-one choice of doctors for reducing volume. For a long discussion of how liposuction is done, check out Chapter 10: Sucks to Be You: Lipo! Specifically, for the butt, the cannula incisions are made in strategic spots. To get at fat in the junction where thigh meets ass, the cannula is inserted in the crease, or the underside of the cheek. To get at upper-butt fat, including any hate handle action, the doctor makes the cannula incisions in the two little dimples of the lower back. Hence, all scars are well hidden by the contours of your natural anatomy. Any single lipo procedure starts at $3,000 and can go up to $7,000.
Recovery: You’ll be sore for a few days and swollen for three weeks. You won’t see the full results for up to six months, due to swelling. You’ll have to wear a compression garment, like a girdle, for a month or longer. To speed healing, move around and do light activities as soon as possible. Get back to work within a week and go back to the gym in six weeks.
Risks: As with any lipo procedure, the main risks are swelling, pain, infection, bruising, numbness. All of the risks are temporary or can be prevented or eased with drugs.
Rewards: A slimmer rear, more confidence, shopping for jeans without crying, taking up only one seat on the subway.
Due to aging or significant weight loss, the skin of one’s butt might become sagging and droopy. Women with old-lady asses need granny panties to accommodate all that extra flesh. Gravity has had its way with their butts. Surgery to the rescue. What we have to solve the loose caboose problem is a butt lift.
To lift a butt, your doctor will give you general anesthesia. It’s a fairly long surgery, three to five hours. Once you’re under, lying face down on the table, the doctor will clean the area and make his dotted lines with a marker. The incisions will be above the butt, in a two-humped horizontal line, from hip to hip. The incision is shaped the way artists draw flying birds in the distance. The next step is to raise the skin to a higher position over your muscle layer. Once a desired tension is reached (tight enough to look great in clingy skirts, loose enough to sit down and accommodate the fat transfer), the doctor will trim the extra skin and reconnect what’s left to your lower back. The scar is permanent and long, the width of your back. It’s hidden in panties and bathing suits for the most part. You can combine liposuction with a butt lift, as big-bottomed ladies often do. A butt lift costs from $6,000 to $9,000.
Recovery: Some pain for three days. A week before you can go back to work. A month before you sit without wincing. Three months to restart an exercise routine. Six months before all the swelling is gone.
Risks: The usual surgical woes, including the minuscule risk of death due to complications of general anesthesia, bruising, swelling, infection, bleeding, pain, temporary loss of sensation. In other words, nothing you can’t handle, or that your doctor won’t warn you about and/or help you handle with meds and great advice, which you should follow to the letter. Be prepared by purchasing an inflatable plastic doughnut to sit on for a while, as well as ice packs.
Rewards: Who doesn’t want to make men gasp in amazement when you walk by? Or have a juicy ass to put inside your Juicy Couture track pants? Every woman wants a butt that makes men weep—with appreciation, for a change.
Incredibly, some women need to have fat put into their rears, not taken out. To address the bony bottom, we have a fat transfer. If your skin is firm but the booty is flat, this procedure’s for you. First, the doctor will harvest some fat from the abdomen, belly, or thighs. To do so he’ll insert a cannula and flood the area with a solution of saline, epinephrine, and lidocaine to make the liposuction safer and easier on your vessels and tissue. Once he’s removed adequate fat, it will be processed—separated from the saline solution and blood—to be prepared for transfer into the behind. Next, using a large syringe loaded with purified fat, the doctor will inject it into or over the gluteus soon-to-be-maximus muscles. If you’re lucky, the fat will quickly adapt to its new home, making new blood supply connections and settling in for the long haul. As usual with fat transfers, some of it—percentages range from 10 to 50 percent—will be absorbed by the body. Because of this, doctors often overfill. When he’s done adding the fat, you’ll be cleaned, bandaged, and put in a compression girdle. You can go home that day, with an escort, as long as you’ve paid the $5,000 to $10,000 bill.
Another option is rear end implants. Candidates for butt implants are women who don’t have enough fat on their abdomen to transfer into their ass, or who don’t want the two-step process of a fat transfer. Instead, they opt for having a silicone pad inserted into their butt. It’s a single-process procedure, and therefore less expensive than a fat transfer.
In slang terms, this is getting a boob job for your booty.
The implants are made of soft silicone that won’t leak, are FDA-approved, and come in a variety of shapes and sizes. You and your doctor can page through the catalogue, and decide whether you want a bubble butt or a saucy-sloped rear. Unlike a fat transfer, with implants, you can be precise about shape.
The surgery is very similar to a boob job. You’ll be given general anesthesia. When you’re asleep, the surgeon will clean the area and make a vertical incision by the tailbone, above the intragluteal crease, aka “the crack.” Using a scalpel and retractor, the doctor will then tunnel into the butt and make a snug pocket for the implant. The pocket is either submuscular (under the muscle) or subfascial (under the membrane between the muscle and skin). Most rear-end implants are submuscular because they look better and more natural and are impossible to feel from the outside.
Once the pocket is ready, the implant is placed inside. The doctor makes sure it’s a snug fit so it won’t slide down and that the two sides are symmetrical. You don’t want one cheek bigger than the other or lopsided. Then, the doctor closes the pocket with stitches, as well as the incision by the tailbone. You’ll have a drainage tube, some bandaging, and a compression girdle. The tube comes out in a few days. The girdle? You’ll have to wear that for a few weeks. The procedure, start to finish, is a couple of hours long, and costs $5,000 to $7,000.
Recovery: You’ll have to sleep on your belly for a month. No sitting for a few weeks, or longer. You’ll be stiff and sore for a couple of weeks while the muscles stretch around the implant. You can go back to work after two weeks; back to the gym in two months.
Risks: I saw a crazy video on YouTube of a woman whose implants had slipped out of the pocket and drifted down to her upper thigh. This should not happen, but, alas, it did. I can’t imagine what kind of bozo did her surgery.
Check your doctor’s credentials! Don’t have a carpenter do your implants.
Other risks include the usual surgical issues of infection, bleeding, swelling, bruising, and pain. Nothing out of the ordinary. Most of it will be prevented or medicated.
Rewards: If you’ve always had a bony butt, implants can serve as permanent padding. Never again will you bruise yourself when you sit down on a hard chair. You won’t dread stadium seating. And, with a new set of bum-flaps, your husband will fall madly in love with you all over again.