CHAPTER FIFTEEN

“HEY LITTLE LIZARD!”

The iguana looked up at me and hit his head under the train. “Who yew callin’ little, yew twine-headed little scamp?”

I stood right there at the Fro-Madge barrier. “I’m callin’ YOU little, ya dorky little runt! Cause ya ARE little!”

He crawled out and showed his dirty teeth. “Reckon I’m gonna make a stew outen yew, boy!”

“Come on an’ try it, then. I got brand-new nose plugs!”

He stood up: “Yew’re scheduled for vast destruction, banjo-eyes!”

“Sure I am, little speck!” I stuck my tongue out at him: “Keep on comin’  ”

“Squee!  Squee!  Squee!”

“Say WHUT  ?”

The iguana whirled around, and there was a white spacesuit with a long red snout crawling out on the other side with the mole cage.

“Yerk! Yerk! Yerk!”

“Crawzly, I know thet’s yew, yew slackjawed red salamander!”

The spacesuit got free of the train engine, then scooted around it and shot past me and Finnegan  

“Squee!  Squee!  Squee!”

  and ran up the blimp ladder with the moles.

“Crawzly, yew’ll live t’ wish yew hadn’t never been hatched!” He grabbed his throat and bent over: “URGL  WUKK!”

After a minute the spacesuit climbed down from the blimp and started unzipping.

“  Thanks for the loan, Finnegan.”

Cros wiggled out of the suit and stuffed it back in Elmer’s saddlebags.

“John, hit LADDERLOWER twice!”

“Can’t, Cros, the remote’s up in the glove compartment.”

“It is?”

“Yeah.”

Finnegan pointed his nightstick: “There’s the bus stoppin’ out there past the trees! An’ would ya please look who’s gettin’ off!”

The two skins ran onto the trail holding their spray cans out, and Finnegan and Elmer galloped to the edge of the woods and waited. In about two minutes here they came.

“You’re under arrest!” shouted Finnegan.

The skins stopped and looked at each other: “Under Arrest ain’t my name,” said one. “My name’s Fairy Godmother.”

“An’ I’m the Lone Ranger,” said the other one. “Under Arrest mus’ be somebody back on the bus.”

They raised their spray cans and Finnegan yanked a Fro-Madge out of his pocket.

“You two go secure the blimp!” he yelled at us. “Elmer an’ me’ll manage here!”

The skins saw the black sitting under the locomotive now and ran straight over and left Finnegan sitting there with his mouth open.

“Hey, Crawz Britches, wher’s the milk moles at? Yew’re supposed t’ be guardin’ ‘em.”

“URKKK!  I WUZ guardin’ ‘em,” moaned the black. “Salamander an’ twine-head pulled a trick on me an’ who yew callin’ Crawz Britches?”

“He wuz addressin’ YEW,” snarled the other skin. “An’ why’d yew go an’ fall for some dumb trick is whut I wawna know!  Soo-WEE! Whut’s thet STANK?”

“I hope yew step in it,” snorted Crawz Britches. “If yew’ll hush jus’ half a minute, maybe I’ll let yew know the moles is up in the blimp yonder  ”

“Uh-oh, John, hurry up  !”

“Right behind ya, Cros! Hey, put your nose plugs in.”

“Don’t need ‘em, man, it’s just  ”

We started up the ladder and heard the dirt bikes coming.

“  It’s just the milk that stinks, man. The moles smell fine.”

We reeled the ladder in and Cros got down and stuck his head through the hatch.

“Two more approachin’ on the trail, Finnegan. We’re right here with ya!”

“Squee!  Squee!  Squee!” went the moles over by the engine box.

The Crosley and the yellowshirt blasted into the clearing now and jumped off their dirt bikes and saw us.

“Wher’s Crawz Britches’s moles at?” snarled the Crosley.

“They ain’t Crawz Britches’s no more,” said a skin. “They’re rat up there in thet dumb racin’ blimp.”

“WHUT?” The new lizards stared up at us: “How’d they git up in sich a fool place as thet?”

“Crawzly an’ John pulled a sleight on Crawz Britches,” said the other skin.

“WHUT? Wher’s Crawz Britches at?” yapped the yellowshirt.

“Rat yonder,” pointed the first skin.

The Crosley and the yellowshirt went over to the locomotive.

“Pshew!” said the Crosley. “Hold yore nose!”

“Yew’re rat! Hey Crawz Britches, com’ere,” said the yellowshirt.

“ORP!” Crawz Britches wiped his mouth and crawled out.

“Com’ere an’ look whut we brung ya  ”

Crawz Britches got up and took two or three steps: “I ain’t gittin’ no closer t’ thet stank  ”

Jus’ two more steps. Thet’s fine  ”

The Crosley and the yellowshirt whipped out spray cans  

FZZT! FZZT! FZZT! FZZZZZZZT!

  and shot Crawz Britches all up and down with green paint.

His mouth hung open: “Whuh  Whudja do thet for?”

“For bein’ dumb as dirty overalls,” said the Crosley.

Finnegan rode up and shouted: “You’re both under arrest!”

“Say whut? Hey, Yeller, did yew hear sump’m?”

The yellowshirt held a foot to his ear: “I might have, Mr. Crawzly. Lak some law callin’ somebody names?”

“Don’t pay it no mind,” said the Crosley.

“I ain’t payin’ it none,” said the yellowshirt. “Come on, we got bidness t’ attend to.”

Finnegan got down with his handcuffs: “Stop right there an’ hold out your feet!”

“Did yew hear anythang, Mr. Crawzly? I ditn’t hear anythang.”

“Naw, Yeller, I’m real shore I ditn’t hear nothin’.”

They walked away from Finnegan and Elmer like they weren’t even there and strutted over right under us.

“Give us our milk moles back!”

“Yew better give us back our milk moles!”

“Yew’re in a lotta real dreadful trouble!”

“Lissen here rat now  ”

I grinned at Cros and he grinned at me and scooted over to the treat machine. There was some humming and clunking and pretty soon he came back.

“The thing ran out. I only got five.”

“That’s okay” I said. “Gimme one  ”

“Them moles is our propitty!”

“We cain’t answer for yore bee-hinds if yew don’t let us have them moles!”

I pulled the lid off my Fro-Madge and aimed real good  

“I’m countin’ t’ three about them moles,” snarled the Crosley. His crocodile mouth was hanging wide open: “One  !”

“Now, John!”

I tossed it down through the hatch  

“Two  !”

We watched it tumble  

“Three  RUKK!”

“Dead-center hit, buddy! Touchdown an’ two-point conversion!”

The Fro-Madge went right down the lizard’s Crosley mouth, and he grabbed his Crosley head and staggered back and forth and finally tore it off. The empty cup fell out and the yellowshirt lizard ran over to help, and the iguana-head Crosley blurched all over the yellow’s feet and legs.

Cros launched the other Fro-Madges and they hit SMAK! SPAT! and splattered all up on the lizards. They turned and ran right past Finnegan who was coming with his handcuffs.

“Whud yew go an’ gurgitate on me for, Crawzly-suit?”

“Whut wuz yew doin’ crowdin’ me lak thet? GARK! Hey look, I got yew again!”

“Go blow the train whistle, John!”

“Right  ”

The yellow got a towel out of his saddlebag and wiped himself off, and the Crosley wiggled out of his Crosley suit and was a yellow now too. Then the skins came over and they all started whispering.

SHRiEK! SHRiEK! SHRiEK!

“Yew hush up up yonder!” a skin yelled. “Cain’t yew see we’re whisperin’?”

Then they went over to the dirt bikes and got some stuff out and started back toward us.

Finnegan met them with his handcuffs and nightstick.

“I’m tellin’ ya once more for a fact  You’re all under arrest!”

All four iguanas whipped out spray cans. Finnegan froze and they sailed right by and left him standing there.

SHRiEK! SHRiEK! SHRiEK!

I let go of the whistle cord and scooted back to the hatch.

Cros pointed: “Look there, buddy, they’re stoppin’ an’ puttin’ on some sorta masks.”

“That’s their stank masks, Cros. That’s what they called ‘em in the last Program.”

“So they could rip off all them pineapple cheesecakes! Yeah, I remember!”

“They don’t need ‘em now,” I said. “We’re outta Fro-Madges.”

“So whatta we do? We got what they want, but we can’t just go away an’ let ‘em run wild.”

The iguanas swaggered up under the blimp again.

“Awrat,” a yellow yapped, “yew gonna give us our moles back or whut?”

“Cause if ’n yew don’t,” a skin snarled, “yew’ll undergo new-kew-ler constipation!”

“An’ not only thet,” the other skin snapped, “but all memory of yew will pass away forever!”

“Okay, John, stay here an’ keep an eye on developments  ”

“Huh? Where you goin’?”

“Just over t’ the treat machine.”

“Now? What for?”

“Armaments. Only take a second  ”

“Huh? Well hurry up.”

He went over and turned the mode key and the machine went MOAN! and KA-CHUNK! and he pushed some buttons over and over and lots of stuff tumbled out. He turned the key again (MOAN! QUiVER! KA-CHUNK!) and kept on pushing buttons, and when he was finished he filled up two complimentary backpacks and started dragging them over.

He passed the mole cage  

“Squee!  Squee!  Squee!”

“Yeah, lovely evenin’, ladies!”

  and dragged the stuff up to the hatch.

“Hey salamander, cain’t yew see us waitin’ down here  ?”

“Say what, lizard? Couldn’t quite make out what ya said.”

“ I said we’re WAITIN’!”

“Yew got one minute t’ turn over them moles!”

“Mighty brave wearin’ them stank masks, ain’t they, buddy? Here, take this backpack  ”

Cros stuck his head down through the hatch.

“Awright, lizards, hang on, we’re workin’ as fast as we can  ”

“Yew got t’ work faster than thet!” snarled a skin.

“Open up the packages, John. I’ll pull the lids off the milkshakes.”

“Right. What is all this?”

He pointed: “That’s Potted Meat Amalgam Mystery Rolls an’ that other’s Ham, Cheese an’ Watercress Sanwidges. I got Butterscotch Frappes.”

“Hey John Twineheaded Grassinreeds  !”

I stuck my twinehead down through the hatch: “What?”

“Yore time’s up! Tell yore dumb red friend!”

“Okay,” I said. “Hey, Cros, our time’s up!”

“Yerk! Yerk! Yerk! CLOCK THIS, LIZARDS  !”

He dumped two big milkshake cups through the hatch, and I threw a Mystery Roll as hard as I could. The lizards saw the milkshakes coming and jumped back, but my Mystery Roll hit a yellow on the shoulder and drooled strings of gray gristle all down his front.

“John, yew are toast!”

Then he stopped and ran a claw through the stuff and tasted it.

“Hey  ! Tastes lak boogers!”

He wiped some more off and held his claw out for the others to taste. They took off their stank masks.

“Yew’re rat!” said the other yellow.

“Not bad a-tall!” said a skin.

“Hey, John, bust ME with one o’ them!”

“Go on an’ do it, buddy. Keep ‘em occupied.”

“Good as done, Cros.”

I dumped out all five of my Potted Meat Amalgam Mystery Rolls and they busted on the ground and the iguanas swarmed all over them. Everybody got one and everybody finished eating at the same time, and then they went after the one that was left and there was a big tussle. A skin came up with the thing and gulped it down before anybody could snatch it away.

“Yew shirtless barf bag! Why cain’t yew share?” croaked a yellow.

“Cause he ain’t got no manners an’ raisin’!” yapped the other yellow.

“Mawma’d be sore disappointed,” said the skin that lost out.

“YOU’RE ALL UNDER ARREST!” shouted Finnegan.

“Come back after dinner,” said a yellow. “Hey, John, throw some more down!”

Cros looked across the hatch at me: “There ain’t no more. Go ahead an’ throw the sanwidges.”

I grabbed three and threw them out in a bunch. They flew apart on the way down, and pieces of ham went this way and that way, and the bread and cheese did the same thing, and the watercress floated down after everything else.

One skin had a piece of cheese land on him and he took a bite and spat it out  “PSHEW!”

A yellow tried the bread and ham and did the same thing  “SPOOT! Thet’s NASTY!”

The other yellow speared some watercress on his claw and looked sideways at it and shook it off. “Thet ain’t playin’ by the rules! Okay, gang, less git ‘em lak we started out t’ do!”

He opened up a bag laying on the ground and they all crowded around it and got stuff out.

“What’re they doin’, Cros?”

“I can’t see neither, buddy.”

Then all of a sudden all four lizards looked up and pointed four long-barreled water guns straight at us!

“READY–AIM–FAR!” barked the yellow, and they cut loose with everything they had!

“YiGGGG  !”

“Run, Cros! Run up in the cockpit! I’ll shut the hatch!”

I didn’t see him go, he took off so fast. I reached for the hatch cover and got a blast of cold water in my face before I could slam the hatch shut. Then I ran and got Cros’s library towel out of the dryer.

“Squee!  Squee!  Squee!”

“Can’t stop now, ladies. We’ll visit later!”

I ran up in the cockpit.

“Here’s a towel, Cros! Did they get ya real bad?”

He was in his pilot seat squeezing some black stuff out of a tube.

“Just a splash on my foot and face, buddy.”

“Your pills! Did ya take your pills?”

“Naw, man, I got this ointment here for small jobs.” He rubbed the black stuff on his foot and up underneath his mouth.

“Jump right down an’ then ya wriggle back  ”

His feet started bouncing on the floor.

“Come on, we gotta getcha t’ the library!”

“Naw, man, I’ll be okay. Not enough water for a sure enough Black Bottom.”

“Ya sure?”

“Yeah  Slip t’ the left an’ slide t’ the  (Sorry!). Ointment works in two minutes, just like the pills.”

His knees jerked up and down.

“Well, they nailed me pretty good. I’m gonna use the towel,” I said.

“Be my guest,” Cros said, “an’ when ya  Hands on your hips an’ mess all around  when ya get done dryin’ off, fly us up outta water gun range an’ let’s have us some more fun!”

His knees bounced and bounced: “Ol’ Black Bottom make ya scrooch your feet  ”

I dried off and sat and slid the UPGAS MODULATOR from HOVER-LOK to RISE, and we went up about fifty feet and I put it back in HOVER-LOK.

I looked at Cros: “Black Bottom over with?”

“Yeah.”

I grabbed the towel and we went in back.

“Wait just a second, Cros  ”

I mopped the water up around the hatch.

“Okay, Cros  ”

We pulled the hatch open and looked down. Finnegan was standing up in Elmer’s stirrups waving handcuffs and the iguanas were laughing at him.

“You’re resistin’ arrest!” he shouted.

“Hig! Hig! Hig!” cackled a skin. “Ain’t THET the truth? Hey, Yeller, this is fun! We need t’ resist arrest more regler!”

“Less decorate ‘im!” screeched the yellow.

They all pulled out spray cans and Elmer backed up.

“Run up front and blow the whistle, John! Take the heat off Finnegan!”

SHRiEK! SHRiEK! SHRiEK! SHRiEK!

The Iguanas forgot Finnegan and ran back underneath us.

“Yew ain’t give us our moles back yet!”

“We’re mighty tard o’ this!”

“Yore bee-hinds is squattin’ in deep doo-doo!”

“Howzat again, lizards? You’ll hafta speak up!”

“Yew heered us jus’ fine, salamander!”

They grabbed their water guns and started shooting again but we were too high and the water squirted up and fell right back down on top of them.

Crosley started dumping Butterscotch Frappes through the hatch: “Throw the rest o’ the sanwidges, John! Yerk! Yerk! Yerk!”

PLAP!
SPATT!
WOPP!

“Soo-WEE!”

Butterscotch Frappes gooshed down all over the skins, and pretty soon the yellows got covered with it too, and all four got cheese and watercress and ham on them. (The ham had thick mustard on it that made it stick!)

Finnegan came galloping up with his handcuffs and got nailed with cheese and bread and Frappe, and Elmer got watercress plastered all across his rump.

Finnegan was yelling, “Give up now for pity’s sake an’ it’ll go easier on ya!”

“Go git swithered!” a yellow snarled. “Cain’t yew see we’re busy gittin’ dumped on?  OCK!”

One of my sandwiches held together and went right down his yellow undershirt. He thrashed around and around trying to get it out.

“  Lissen, gang, less back away a minute!”

A skin squirted his tongue out: “Whut about our moles?”

  GOOSH! Cros slapped him flat in the face with a Frappe.

The yellow kept shaking sandwich out of his shirt.

“Moles or no moles, we best git ourselves out from under this foul blimp!”

They all went back to their dirt bikes and started brushing theirselves off.

“I say we hit ‘em with a far hose,” yapped a skin.

“Thet’s mighty inspired,” barked a yellow. “Wher we gonna git a far hose out here?”

“We could go steal a far truck,” said Skin.

“An’ whut if’n we done thet?” snarled Yellow. “They’d jus’ raise up higher in the racin’ blimp.”

“Hey, yew all   URK!   Whut about me?”

It was green-striped Crawz Britches still trapped under the locomotive.

“Shut yore gurgitatin’ mouth,” growled a yellow. “Yew’re too dumb t’ be in this conversation!”

“Wher’s yore blackshirt pardner anyhow?” said a skin.

The lizard sat there on his manhole cover and blorfed all over his knees.

Cros and me sat by the hatch scoping out the whole thing:

“Yerk! Yerk! Yerk!”

“I say we go someplace else,” yapped the yellow with sandwich in his shirt. “We shore ain’t heppin’ ourselves here!”

“Yew brickbat!” a skin hollered. “Whut about the moles?”

Finnegan rode up: “Never you mind the moles! You’ll not be goin’ anyplace!”

“Hey, Cros,” I said, “what if they do take off?”

Cros was looking out in another direction.

“We might can discuss that, buddy  But it looks like the whole thing’s fixin’ t’ get moot.”

“Huh?”

“Moot, man. Means we can discuss WHAT IF all we want, but they still ain’t goin’ noplace. Look out there  ” He pointed up the trail.

“Whole lot o’ dust, Cros  ”

“Right. Hear anything yet  ?”

I got down on my belly and leaned my head out  

“  Rumblin’. Like a freight train  Yeah, an’ it’s gettin’ louder.”

“Uh-huh, lemme see again  ”

I slid over and Cros stuck his own head out and looked and  

“EXCELSIOR!”

I was lucky this time. The blast went off outside the hatch and mostly got the iguanas and not me. They all squawked and grabbed their ears.

Cros pointed up the trail: “It’s Muriel!  An’ that rhinoceros! An’  An’ my good buddy Lonnie an’ his tore-up pineapple cheesecake cart!”

They all came busting into the clearing and saw the iguanas and the iguanas saw them and ran for their dirt bikes. Finnegan galloped over on Elmer yelling “Surround ‘em! Surround ‘em!”

Muriel rumbled around behind the iguanas: “That’s precisely what we’re doing, Finnegan. So how are Molly and the girls?”

“Top o’ the mark, Muriel, thanks for askin’  No, Lonnie, take THAT side!”

A yellow and a black jumped on one of the bikes and made a dash for the woods, but Brojus (Yeah, that’s who the rhino was!) Brojus hooked the bike with his horn and flipped it twenty feet in the air. The lizards did about eight cartwheels and landed WUMP! SMAK! and the bike crashed on top of the other bike and wrecked both of them.

“Yerk! Yerk! Yerk! Check it OUT, buddy!  HEY, BROJUS, NICE HEAD FAKE!”

The rhino squinted up with his little green eyes: “Merci, Crosley. Ça m’a fait grand plaisir! Ça marche, Jean?”

“What did he say, Cros?”

“He said ‘How ya doin’?’ He’s from French Morocco. Say hello back.”

I waved through the hatch: “Thanks for stoppin’ by, Brojus!” But he didn’t hear me with all the racket, and now the other skin and yellow went at Lonnie with their spray cans.

“Outen our way, Lonnie Stankcakes, or yew’ll soon be a green giant!”

Big huge Lonnie was ready this time. He held up a pineapple cheesecake.

“Any closer an’ this goes up your nose!”

The iguanas stopped.

“Pshew! Thet sounds SO nasty!” said the yellow.

“He cain’t git us both,” said the skin. “Less rush ‘im!”

Lonnie laughed: “Can’t get ya both?” He grabbed a pineapple cheesecake with his other hand: “Come right ahead an’ find out. I got me a great big stack o’ these!”

Skin looked at Yellow: “I still say we paint ‘im!”

“Then YEW paint ‘im!” hissed Yellow. “I’m still delicate from thet white puke thet went down my Crawzly suit.”

Skin squirted his tongue out: “Yew’re delicate awrat. If by delicate yew mean chicken-livered.”

“Who yew callin’ chicken-livered?” growled Yellow.

“I’m callin’ YEW chicken-livered! An’ yew’re yeller too jus’ lak yore undershirt! Put yore stank mask on!”

“Stank mask ain’t no hep if we git covered up with thet stuff. Them’s real pineapple cheesecakes he’s holdin’!”

“Yew’re jus’ yeller. I’m a mind t’ paint yew green.”

Yellow held up his spray can: “Thet’d be a true error, young hero.”

FZZT!

Skin sprayed a green stripe right across Yellow’s shirt.

Yellow looked down at himself.

“Yew bug-brained bee-hind biter!”

FZZZZT!

Yellow painted right up Skin’s leg all the way to his face and back down his other leg.

Skin looked at himself.

“Yew gone an’ done it now, lily-liver!”

FZZZZT!
FZZZZT!

He sprayed green zigzags all up and down Yellow, and Yellow sprayed him back with big green spirals.

“Barf breath!”

“Boogerbritches!”

They circled each other and kept spraying their spray cans till all the paint was gone.

“I swigger, Yeller, yew shore look stupid!”

“I look stupid? Pull out a mirror an’ look in it real close!”

They were green, both of them, with just little patches of skin or yellow showing through. Muriel and Lonnie and Finnegan crowded around them laughing, and Brojus was over guarding the other two going “Runk! Runk! Runk! Runk! Runk!”

“Lissen, buddy, what would ya say was I t’ go down an’ help ‘em finish this thing up?”

“How about me, Cros?”

“Somebody needs t’ stay here an’ guard the moles, okay?”

“Okay. Hey, look there at Finnegan bringin’ all those handcuffs.”

“Yerk! Yerk! An’ lookit the fix the lizards are in! Lemme go up front an’ lower the blimp down  ”

“Squee!  Squee!  Squee!”

“  Yeah, ladies, so happy t’ hear it!”

Cros came back in a minute and we let the ladder down.

“You go on an’ get in your pilot seat, buddy. Nothin’s gonna happen, but just in case  ”

“Roger that.”

Cros climbed down the ladder and I left the hatch open and went up front to watch the show through my window.

Big huge Lonnie was pointing his finger.

“Whatta we do with that super-nasty one under the locomotive? I ain’t touchin’ ‘im for sure!”

The other iguanas were all handcuffed together and tied to Brojus with a chain.

“I’ll go fetch my HAZMAT suit,” said Finnegan.

Cros walked up: “Naw, Finnegan, just get them water guns they left over there an’ go hose the lizard down!”

“Yes, that should work,” chuckled Muriel.

“Just mind ya don’t hose ME,” grinned Cros, stepping back several steps.

Lonnie and Finnegan took the water guns over now and cut loose all over the sick iguana. He jumped up and down and howled.

“Naw! Naw! Anythang but warshin’!”

“Hig! Hig! Hig!” went the other lizards. “Thet’s whut yew git for bein’ dumb as a dishrag! Hig! Hig!  ”

“Fermez-la!” Brojus barked at them. “Runk! Runk! Runk! Runk!”

Lonnie and Finnegan sprayed and sprayed.

“Puh-lease!” squealed the lizard. “Cain’t I jus’ stay nasty?”

Lonnie and Finnegan hosed him till the water ran out. Then Finnegan put down his water gun.

“All right, varmint, come out an’ lemme put the cuffs on ya!”

“I’m too sick,” whined the iguana.

“Don’t gimme that. The Fro-Madge is all washed away!”

“I’m still delicate,” moaned the iguana. “LORP!”

He threw up all over his feet.

“WOUF!” went Finnegan. “Run get another gun, Lonnie  !”

Lonnie brought two, and they hosed off the lizard’s feet and ankles, and then Finnegan handcuffed him to the other lizards that were chained to Brojus.

It seemed like a good time to check on the moles. I got up and went in back and there they were, fast asleep in their cage after all the excitement. I tiptoed over to the machine and got myself a Racer’s Ale and started up front.

“Yerk! Yerk! Yerk! Yerk!”

“Wha  !” I looked around: “Cros, where are ya? Ya snuck right by me.”

“Free for nothin’! Free for nothin’!”

“Yeah, right. So you’re back in your seat already  ”

I went up and sat down next to him and put my Racer’s Ale in my cupholder.

Cros pointed at it: “Free for nothin’!”

“So what’s new about that? Why’re ya talkin’ so loud?”

He just shrugged, and then pushed up on the UPGAS MODULATOR.

“That was so cool down there, Cros, hosin’ that lizard off like that. Even the other lizards were laughin’.”

“Yerk! Yerk! Yerk!” He winked at me. When we were really high up he set the HOVER-LOK.

“So what’s gonna happen t’ the lizards, Cros? Did you guys talk it over?”

He shrugged and turned his front feet bottoms-up  like you do sometimes when you ask a question.

“Well, the main thing is we caught ‘em, didn’t we?”

He nodded up and down: “Yerk! Yerk! Yerk!”

I turned and looked at him.

“Cros, you smell like mothballs. Hey, where’s your vest?”

He shrugged and winked again.

“Yerk! Yerk! Yerk! I’m Crosley  ”

I didn’t know what in the world was wrong with him. Then I just happened to see out my window and there he was, Cros, I mean, down on the ground walking around as plain as a red fire truck!

UH-OH!

“Hey!” I said. “You’re not Cros!”

He shrugged and winked.

“I’m Crosley an’ you ain’t an’ I’m goin’ for bad! Yerk! Yerk! Yerk! Yerk! I’m Crosley an’ you ain’t an’ I’m goin’ for bad!”

I looked around for a weapon and didn’t see one.

“Free for nothin’! Night Buddies Amalgamated!”

I pulled my feet up in my seat: “I know who you are! You’re the number six iguana! An’ I bet you got a black undershirt on under all that Crosley stuff!”

“Subway people suck slugs! Yerk! Yerk! Yerk! Yerk!”

He reached up and started pulling his head off!

“  I’m goin’ for bad! Yerk! Yerk! Yer  HiG! HiG! HiG! HiG! HiG!”

The Crosley head tore off and right where it used to be was a smirking red-eyed iguana head!

“Fine evenin’, ain’t it, banjo eyes!” His tongue shot in and out.

“How’d ya get IN here?”

“Well, now how yew reckon I got in here? I got in here when yew an’ Crawzly wudn’t mindin’ the ranch!”

“When? I mean where’d ya come from?”

“Hig! Hig! Thet’s fer me t’ know an’ yew t’ find out, John Grassinreeds. But I ain’t begrudgin’. I come here through the sewer, got here the same time as my pardner with the moles.”

I slapped myself: “We left the dumb ladder down!”

The lizard looked down and spat dark brown juice on Crosley’s floormat: “Thassrat. I been up in the liberry studdin’ the Operational Manual (Pore Lay Vy-tess). Check out this here move  ”

He flipped the LADDERLOWER switch and I could hear the reel start to reel in and then a CLUNK when the hatch closed.

“  Now if I kin jus’ slither outen this uglificated yeller suit  Don’t yew try nothin’ now  !”

“Ut! Well who’s gonna stop me?”

“I’ll point that out directly  ”

He wiggled out of the jacket and there was his black undershirt, sure enough, and a flat backpack, and then he pulled off the pants and stood up in his green shorts and tossed the Crosley stuff out the window.

“I don’t know what you think you’re doin’  ”

He squirted his tongue out.

“Yew really are simple, twine-head. I’m takin’ our moles back. Whut’s it look lak I’m doin’?”

I sat up as tall as I could: “You’re simple yourself if you think I’m gonna let ya do that!”

“Hig! Hig! Hig! Hig! Hig! Would yew lissen at ‘im now!” He reached over and grabbed the black handle in the dash: “Yew ain’t jus’ gonna let me, young whelp, yew’re gonna fly me t’ wher I wawna go!”

“Watch out with that handle! That’s the UPGAS RELEASE!”

The lizard smirked: “Thet’s exackly whut it says in the Manual, ain’t it, boy? An’ yew do lak I say or I’m pullin’ it!” He raised the UPGAS LEVER with his other front foot.

I pretended like this wasn’t scaring me right out of my socks.

“Ha! If ya let the UPGAS out ya crash right along with me!”

“Hig! Hig! Thet ain’t quite accerit, banjo-eyes.”

“Whatta ya mean?” We were way high up now and going higher and he held on tight to the black handle.

“If I ain’t bein’ too intimate, yew ain’t got no parachute, or am I mistaken about thet?”

“No, I  but  ”

His red eyes got real small: “Well I got one! Rat in this here backpack an’ I kin bail out rat now an’ watch yew crash an’ fry up into boogers!”

I took about four deep breaths.

“What’s your dumb plan, lizard?”

“Hig! Hig! Thass more lak it.” He lifted the lid on the recycle bucket and spat: “Yew’re gonna fly me an’ the moles t’ wher our ol’ balloon is an’ let us off.”

He looked out through the windshield and side windows: “It oughta be rat around here wher the yellers left it  I know yew know wher it is!”

“Watch out with that handle  !”

“Shut yore face, boy, or I’ll pull the thang an’ bail out rat now!”

“Sure, lizard, an’ what happens t’ the moles?”

He smirked so I could see the guandoo pudding in his teeth.

“Yew thank yew’re so smart. Jus’ do lak I said an’ find the balloon.”

“Well there it is, right over there, lizard  ”

“Wher  ?”

I pointed out at two-o’clock high: “Right there where your yellowshirts left it.”

“Well git on, then, boy!  An’ remember not t’ try nothin’!”

I punched up on the UPGAS and turned sixty degrees right and pushed THRUST. In less than a minute we were bumping up against the balloon basket.

I looked at the lizard.

“Well? Aren’t ya gonna go back an’ get the moles?”

He squinted at me. “Thass a slick trick, boy. Naw, yew go back an’ git ‘em while I stay rat here an’ hold this handle.”

He spat more brown juice on Crosley’s floormat.

“Squee!  Squee!  Squee!”

“Ladies,” I said, “I want ya t’ know you’re gonna be just fine. The iguanas treat ya good, don’t they?”

“Squee!  Squee!  Chitter!”

“Right. Here we go, then  ”

I picked up the cage and carried it to the front. The lizard was standing there with one leg out the window holding the balloon basket.

“Squee!  Chitter!  Chitter!”

He grabbed the black handle: “Brang ‘em over here, boy!”

I stopped where I was: “Not till ya say the magic word, lizard.”

He shot out his tongue: “Say whut?”

“What’s the magic word?”

“Foot! If I knowed any magic words, I wootn’t tell yew none of ‘em, twine-head.” He wiggled the black handle: “Brang the cage here!”

WOOSH!

“Hig! Hig! Hig!”

We started dropping and he spat and let the handle spring back.

“Okay! Okay! I’m BRINGIN’ ‘em!”

I put the cage down next to him and ran to my seat and raised the UPGAS MODULATOR to make up for the UPGAS we’d lost. We stopped dropping.

“That was really cute, lizard. Got anymore cute tricks like that?”

“Hig! Hig! Reckon it’ll slow yew down t’ wher yew won’t be chasin’ nobody. Now, raise us back up t’ the balloon.”

I pushed way up on the UPGAS and the blimp couldn’t RISE fast anymore, but we got back up to the balloon in about a minute.

“Now,” hissed the lizard, “bring yore young bee-hind here an’ pass the moles over inside the balloon basket.”

“Squee!  Skree!  Squee!  Skree!  Skree!”

I reached inside the cage: “It’s fine, ladies, there’s a nice carpet over in there for ya t’ lay on. Who wants t’ go first?”

“Skree!  Chitter!”

“Maybe I’ll take you, okay?”

I lifted out the biggest one and held her up: “Hey, I bet you’re Rayleen, right?”

“Chitter!  Chitter!  Guk!  Guk!  Chik!”

“Yeah, I thought so. Here we go, Rayleen  ”

I handed the little thing through the window and down inside the basket and dropped her on the carpet.

“Don’t worry!” I said. “It’s gonna be okay.”

I passed Bobbi and Cora Sue over too and then got back in my seat and started to strap in.

“Whut yew doin’, scamp? I ain’t tole yew yew could set down!”

“Why don’t ya just leave, lizard? Ya got what ya came for.”

He smirked at me with those creepy red eyes.

“Thassrat. I did. But it don’t seem rat somehow t’ go off an’ not leave some small remembrunce.”

He jiggled the black handle.

“You let anymore UPGAS out an’ we’ll wreck an’ you’ll lose the moles!”

“Hig! Hig! Maybe I got somethin’ else in mind fer yew  ”

He got up and stuck a leg through the window and down inside the balloon basket. He reached in his pocket  

That did it for me. I reached for the matchlock button and pushed it!

He quit smirking: “Whut’s thet?”

I clicked my lap belt.

“It’s just a parkin’ light t’ help ya out the window. Why don’t ya just go on now an’ leave me alone?”

“Hig! Hig! Cause tormentin’ yew makes me happy! Whut’s wrong with bein’ happy, John Grassinreeds?”

The spray can came out of his pocket: “I’m gonna paint yew good an’ green an’ then bid yew good evenin’.”

“Wait a minute, lizard, why do ya wanna do that?”

“Why John, I’m surprised! I thought I just went over all thet?”

He raised the can up.

“Hang on a second, lizard! Wait just a  ”

FWOOMP!

The iguana was halfway in the balloon and halfway in the blimp when the blimp fired off and left him standing there holding his spray can in the middle of the air. He squawked something I couldn’t understand and dropped out of sight, and then I looked down and saw his parachute open.

FWOOMP!

The Jumbos fired again and rammed me back in my seat, and as soon as I could move again I locked the steering so the blimp would fly around in big circles till the boosters stopped.

FWOOMP!

The parachute was just a dot way down there now and I held onto my seat and waited for the crazy ride to be over.

FWOOMP!
FWOOMP!
FWOOMP!

There should be ten of these, right? I wasn’t counting but wasn’t that how many fireballs we found in that other Roman candle?

I shut my eyes after the seventh or eighth one and tried to relax, and when I opened them again I saw two pairs of xenon hurry lights flash by in front of me and head straight for the balloon.

FWOOMP!

I shot forward again. When I slowed back down, I looked out.

Racing blimps! One had green speed squiggles and one was all hot pink and

FWOOMP!

I waited to see if this one was the last. I waited some more. Then I waited three minutes after that to make real sure and, yeah, that was the last. No more fireballs.

I unlocked the steering and turned in toward the balloon. The two new blimps were already tied up to it and stuff was happening inside the balloon basket.

There Fanny was in her black commando suit! She was handing one of the moles into the blimp with the green squiggles. And somebody I didn’t know was crawling around down in the bottom of the basket.

WOOT! WOOT!

I heard it the second I opened my window  a little squeeze-bulb horn on the hot pink blimp. Somebody was waving a hot dog at me from the pilot’s seat. I floated closer and then I made out the orange bush and the big dark glasses!

Rodney let go of the horn bulb. “So, laddie, what’s with all this rocketry an’ joyridin’?”

I grinned about as big as I could and reached out and tied my shrunk-up blimp to the balloon.

Fanny put the last mole inside her blimp, then came over to my window all shook-up and bothered. “John, what on EARTH! First our UPGAS alarm goes nuts and then Rodney charges in the Emporium yelling something about the Code Q blimp, and now THIS  ?”

She pointed to the sky and made big circles.

“Hijacking, Miss Fanny. One o’ the iguanas. Wanted the balloon.”

“What  ?”

“Where?” woofed Rodney through his window.

“Gone. Parachute. I lit the boosters t’ shake ‘im off.”

“IGUANAS? DID SOMEBODY SAY IGUANAS?”

A long bony woman in tan coveralls stood up in the basket holding a towel and a bottle of ammonia: “I HOPE THEY’RE AT THE SOUTH POLE BY NOW, THE SCUZZY RATS!”

Fanny laughed: “John, say hello to Mildred. She and I were getting ready to fly up here and rescue her balloon when all the excitement started.”

“Hey there, Miss Mildred. Nice t’ meet ya.”

“Well, hey yourself, hon!” She looked over at Fanny: “You weren’t kidding about those big brown eyes, were you?”

“It’s good t’ meet ya anyhow, Miss Mildred.”

“Oh, listen, hon, don’t mind a silly old woman! I’m just so grateful to you for my balloon.”

“We try t’ help out, Miss Mildred. Night Buddies Amalgamated.”

“Well, you sure helped me, hon.” She sat back down on the carpet and poured ammonia on her towel: “Pee-Yew! Now if I can ever get this dark brown juice cleaned up  !”

She scrubbed, then looked up.

“  Those crooks’ rent check bounced too, can you believe that?”

“Squee!  Squee!  Squee!”

“You girls just hold on,” shouted Fanny. “  Mildred, you got everything you need now?”

Mildred stopped and looked around.

“Yeah, Fanny, and I thank you. I’ll make it home fine too. At least they left me my leaf blower.”

She poured more ammonia on her towel and started on another spot.

“Bye, Miss Mildred.”

“Bye, hon, and thanks again. You come see me now, hear?”

Fanny untied Rodney’s hot pink blimp and then her own with the green racing squiggles, and Rodney reached through his window and squeezed:

WOOT! WOOT! WOOT!

and we all dropped away from the balloon and down through the skyscrapers toward the old train engine.