The Oak Barrel was an old-looking bar inside a new-looking building. Very Seattle, with its polished high-rises and insistence on clinging to the vintage. Danny's scuffed sneakers squeaked on the dark wood floor, and he wasn't sure if he felt like a cool hipster or just underdressed. Jiyoon, on the other hand, was immaculate in a grey button down with a dressy vest over it, his sleeves rolled up to the elbows.
He held a wine glass between his fingers, swirled it gently, then took a sip. Danny carefully watched the play of emotions across his face: confusion very smoothly masked with a pleasant, thoughtful look. Then Danny realized he had devolved into staring at Jiyoon's mouth and tore himself away.
"How's it taste?"
"Ah… I'm still looking for the hint of blackberry." Jiyoon picked up the tasting sheet and pored over it, the corners of his mouth turned down. "I'm not… finding…"
"Anything?"
"Shh!" Jiyoon sidled up close to him, and Danny played along with the conspiracy. "Maybe if we really imagine—"
"So we pretend to taste it, and then when we leave, all the fancy wine people will laugh at us because we tasted blackberries in something that's obviously made out of grapes. This is grapes, right?"
"Yes," Jiyoon said, sounding certain for the first time that night. "It's definitely grapes." He picked up a slice of cheese from the plate that he had guilt-ordered to make up for the free glasses (or sips) of wine they were getting. "I like this cheese."
"The cheese is really good." Danny had helped himself to a lot of it when Jiyoon was frowning at wine. "Free booze is also good."
"It certainly does go down sweeter, doesn't it? Oh—" His phone set off with the most obnoxious shrill ring Danny had ever heard. "I should get this, sorry."
Jiyoon snatched the phone to his ear and Danny caught "Dad, hi," in Korean and then something about a sink before Jiyoon excused himself from their little standing table and went to stand by the door. It didn't look like a fun phone call. Jiyoon's shoulders were hunched, and he had one arm slung over his stomach. Danny made sure there was another sample of wine (the red one, the one he liked best) waiting when he came back.
"Sorry," Jiyoon said again, and Danny waved him off.
"That was your dad, right?"
Jiyoon let out a slow hiss of air that turned into a yes. "It was nothing awful, just that they're having horrible plumbing problems in their horrible house, again." He said the final words into his hands with a groan.
"I thought I heard something about a sink."
Jiyoon laughed. "How much did you catch?"
"Uhh, not a lot. Honestly, you talk kinda fast for me." Danny felt a prick of embarrassment, and he wasn't sure why he had even brought up that he was listening. It wasn't like he wanted Jiyoon to know he was trying to eavesdrop on him, and there was no point in showing off his shitty Korean.
"You didn't speak it at home growing up?"
"No, and I understand more than I speak, so… Not that I understand everything."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot." Jiyoon rested his chin in his hand. "I was just wondering. It's my first language, that's all. I didn't learn English until I was five."
"Seriously? Wow, I had no idea—oh holy shit, that was such a white person thing to say. I'm so fucking sorry, dude."
The look of patient disbelief on Jiyoon's face melted into a smile that he was obviously trying to hide. He called Danny a filthy name in Korean, which Danny did understand, because if there was one sub-set of vocabulary that all the Korean kids in his neighborhood made sure to learn, it was bad words.
"Sorry," he said in Korean, drawing out the last syllable and leaning into Jiyoon, trying to look cute as shit. Jiyoon snorted. "I'm so fucking embarrassed. Just tell me what's up with the plumbing or whatever."
It was Jiyoon's turn to grumble. "It's nothing. They have this old house down in Rainier Beach—not a nice old house, just the kind that falls apart. This is the third time this year they've had to get someone out to fix it. It's frustrating, that's all. I want them to move, but it will have to wait until I get a full-time job and earn some money, and until then?" He waved a hand dismissively. "They're so stubborn, too. They don't want to leave the neighborhood. I grew up there. I understand the nostalgia, but at a certain point it's impossible," Jiyoon said with a sigh. "If I'm buying the house, I should at least decide where it's going to be, shouldn't I?"
"I can't believe you're talking about buying houses. That's not even on my radar." He was thinking about his own parents in suburban Lynnwood, solidly middle-class and white collar, who had even tentatively bought Danny his first electric guitar on his sixteenth birthday.
Jiyoon shrugged. "I can't fix leaky pipes, but I can do this."
"You're really cool," were the stupid-ass words that came out of Danny's mouth. "I mean, that's really cool."
"I'm not trying to be cool. It's just the right thing to do."
"No, I get it." Danny wanted to knock his head on the table. "I get why you'd wanna do that, I just mean… it's still nice."
Jiyoon let out a soft laugh. "I couldn't talk about that sort of thing with Devin. Especially not anything to do with money. He does not understand what it's like to have parents who rely on you."
"You've gotta stop dating rich white boys."
"Oh, I think I've had enough of that to satisfy me for a long time." Jiyoon tilted his empty glass. "What if we actually get a bottle of one of these and go over to Gasworks? The sun isn't down yet."
"Mr. Lee, did you just imply we should go park-drinking?"
"Not so loud!" Jiyoon smacked him on the shoulder, and Danny laughed. They packed up, and Jiyoon nudged him towards the wine table.
"Any questions?" the sommelier asked him brightly.
"No, uh, I'd like to buy—"
"The screwtop one," Jiyoon murmured into his shoulder.
"The screw—I mean, the red one—the grenache. Please," he said, while Jiyoon muffled a laugh behind him.
Wine in a paper bag, they headed to Gasworks Park, filling the twenty-minute walk with idle chatter. It had been raining earlier that day, but by that afternoon a low, grey cloud cover had settled over the city, insulating it from the November chill.
On a bench overlooking the water, with the hulking gasworks at their back, Jiyoon cracked the bottle open. Danny took it and swirled it, then took a big whiff from the opening while Jiyoon laughed against his shoulder.
"You're only going to be able to smell the bouquet if it's in a glass, Danny."
"What the hell is a bouquet?"
"Oh my God, just give it to me." Jiyoon tugged the bottle back and, after looking around furtively, took a long drink. "Ack."
"We should've picked up some plastic cups or something."
"Red Solo cups in the park would be very subtle."
A few pulls in, Danny felt a heavy warmth settle in his limbs. They sat close together, to hide the bottle between their bodies and thick winter coats. Lake Union was steel gray under a matching gray sky. It was the kind of crisp winter afternoon that made you look up, expecting snow. Jiyoon's thigh was pressed warm against Danny's and shit, Danny wanted to kiss him. The feeling careened from low-key interest to full-fledged want.
"How's the new studio working out?" Jiyoon asked.
"Oh! Shit, yeah." Danny pulled himself back to the present and away from the distant possibility of drunk-making out with Jiyoon on a park bench. "We've been getting up at four." He drew the word out into a groan, and Jiyoon scrunched up his face.
"That's the only time you have to practice?"
"Most days, yeah, with the way it's booked out and all. And the first time Erika was there too, to watch us play and get us settled into the space. Dude, it was incredible. I can't even compare it to that janky room at school. Everything just sounded so good."
"I'm still not sure I could stomach it at four in the morning." Jiyoon gave a little shiver and leaned in closer, smiling at him. "Did she like your new songs?"
"She did! We're, uh, clear to play them at the Christmas Ball Bash."
"When is that again?" Jiyoon broke off his gaze to look out over the lake, his tone too casual. Got you, Danny thought. Jiyoon always tried to play it so coy when he wanted to be invited somewhere, but his poker face was failing him.
"Dunno. I'd have to check. Hopefully it works with your schedule, since you already have a ticket."
Jiyoon jerked back. "What?"
"I got you a ticket. I mean, we have like plus-ones and shit for the VIP area, so I'm giving you mine."
"You weren't even going to ask me?"
"Do I need to?" Danny challenged him, and for once Jiyoon looked off-balance.
"I could be busy," he finally retorted. Then he was back to watching the sunset turn the clouds red and orange. "But I'm sure I can make it."
He probably already looked up the dates the first time I told him about it, Danny thought. If he checked Jiyoon's calendar app, he'd probably find 'Christmas Ball Bash' in red, with a question mark next to it while he waited for confirmation.
"So, how does it feel to be done with midterms?" Jiyoon asked, sparking a nice wave of dread for Danny.
"Uh… relieved, I guess." It was technically true; he was really relieved he wouldn't have to take that fucking test again. "Weaver already has us loaded up with more worksheets though. Or is that your fault?"
"Ahh, yes, my master plan is revealed. I'm responsible for orchestrating the death of your free time." Jiyoon smiled at him, his face a little flushed with alcohol. The last thing Danny wanted to do was talk about homework right now. "Did you start the next assignment yet?"
"Kind of…"
"This isn't one that you can do in one night."
"Yeah, I know. I've been working on it for like… two nights."
Jiyoon laughed. "Right, I'll see you on Wednesday for an all-nighter, then."
"I'm totally gonna have it done before then. I'm serious!"
"I believe you," Jiyoon said, clearly not believing him. He was still smiling, one hand lazily coiled around the bottle. "You don't want to come over, then?"
This is totally a moment, Danny thought before leaning in. Jiyoon gasped sharp against his lips as Danny pressed a quick, questioning kiss to his mouth.
Jiyoon stared at him open-mouthed before dropping his head. "I'm sorry."
And there it was—wave of dread stage two. "Oh shit—I'm sorry man, I'm sorry, I misread the signals. Again." He groaned and hid his face in his knees, feeling the need to wade into Lake Union and never come out.
"No, no, it's my fault. You didn't misread, I'm just bad at… sending signals." Jiyoon trailed off, and Danny heard the sound of him drinking from the bottle.
Great, that was just the reaction he wanted. Now he was the dickbag who had a few drinks and then tried to make a move on his friend—that was not how he meant to come off.
"This isn't why I was hanging out with you, know," he mumbled into his hands. "I wasn't just waiting for a chance to jump you."
"Oh! Of course not, no, I never thought—" Jiyoon stalled out again and ended up just thrusting the bottle in Danny's direction.
Danny pushed it away. "I don't need wine. I'm already too stupid to live."
"You are not," Jiyoon said, his voice firming. "Danny, I brought you to the park with a bottle of wine to watch the fucking sunset. You're not an idiot for trying to kiss me. It was my mistake. Thank you for being honest."
"Yeah," Danny grunted and finally started to take a drink. The word mistake sat heavy in his chest.
"I can't say that I haven't also been thinking about it. And about you."
Danny choked on the wine and ended up letting out an odd and embarrassing half-burp as he swallowed. "Oh," was his highly intelligent reply.
Jiyoon sighed and dragged his hands over his face. "But… I'm still your TA, and after the quarter ends we'll both be in the last stretch of senior year, and you know how busy that's going to be. And how complicated. And we're not… we're not complicated." Jiyoon rested his chin on his hand. "I do enjoy your company, though."
Danny's heart was flopping back and forth in his chest, and he wasn't sure if he should feel rejected or elated. He decided to settle on relieved.
"Okay. Good. That's all I care about." He watched Jiyoon's lips purse in disbelief. "I'm serious. I like you a lot. If you wanted to date, I would do it, but it doesn't really matter. I mean, it totally matters. Obviously I care, but I'm just kind of happy to be around you, I guess." He let out a deep breath. "I fucked that up, but it was definitely supposed to come out complimentary."
As he finished, Jiyoon was hiding a smile behind his hand. "Should I say thank you?"
"Please just tell my friends that I'm not creepy or leading you on, because they give me so much shit for flirting with you."
"Oh, you're harmless." Jiyoon waved his concerns away. "As I said before, I'm shouldering all the responsibility here."
"Because of the TA thing? Come on, that's stupid."
"And I tried to use you to get over my break up. It wasn't exactly fair."
"Yeah, but I knew that. It's not like you lied about being into me."
"Still, it feels like…" Jiyoon sighed. "Had we both been on the same page, we might have had sex on different terms. Our own terms. Instead of me being selfish—"
"Dude, I thought you hated my guts, but you still could've snapped your fingers and I would've been totally down. I'm not that hard to get in bed," he added, because Jiyoon was making a pained expression.
"See, that's exactly the problem. Any time I could have chosen, and I asked you at a time when I was emotionally vulnerable and unable to even consider where things could end up if I gave you a real chance."
"Like where?"
"I don't know." Jiyoon waved his hands. "We shouldn't think about it too hard."
"Like, I don't wanna put words in your mouth or anything, but it kinda sounds like you still wanna fuck me."
"Well, obviously," Jiyoon said. "But."
"But," Danny echoed. "Complicated?" There was a rush of blood to his ears, and his mind was lighting up with "obviously!"
"No matter what I might feel for you, that wouldn't change the fact that the situation isn't practical. There might be some kind of tension between us, but that doesn't mean it would be right to act on it."
"Right…"
"It's not something that resolves itself, apparently," Jiyoon said to the wine bottle.
"Okay, so no pressure? But the finger-snapping thing will still work."
"Inappropriate."
"I'm serious."
"And I need another drink."
They each took another long drink from the bottle. Danny watched Jiyoon, trying to figure out where he stood now. The night they had slept together had been a happy exclamation point in his memory. He had almost forgotten that Devin and that long-ago breakup were the reason they were friends in the first place.
Danny didn't have to be a genius, or even a romantic person, to understand that Jiyoon felt more strongly about that than he wanted to let on. Danny really wasn't sure where that left him, though. He knew what he wanted. That was simple enough.
Nights like this where they hung out. Going to shows, talking shit, cooking, all those comfortable and easy things they did. He just liked being around Jiyoon. And he wanted to kiss him, and hold him and probably eat him out again.
They could pull that off, right? He didn't have to be in love to make that work.
But despite how easy it had all been so far, Jiyoon was still hesitating and that made Danny's stomach sink. Maybe it wasn't as simple as he was making it out to be. Maybe there really was something he was missing, that he didn't understand.
"Not that I wanna drag this out, but can I ask you one more thing?"
"Of course," Jiyoon said.
"It's not about me being aro, is it?" Danny clasped his hands together. He hadn't realized it until the words were on the tip of his tongue, but if this was why he wasn't good enough—if this was why he was complicated—he wasn't sure how he could take it. It had been so easy up till now that he hadn't let himself consider it.
Jiyoon stared back at him, and suddenly his sharp gaze softened. "No. No, I don't think that's a problem."
Danny let out a gusty breath. "Cool. Yeah, no, I wasn't worried about that. I mean, not that we're gonna date anyway, so."
Jiyoon held his gaze long enough to meet Danny's smile with an awkward one of his own. Then he quickly dropped his eyes back to his hands, and Danny did the same.
"If we were to end up together. Somehow." Jiyoon was speaking with painstaking slowness. "If that were to happen, I would be happy to discuss with you your needs and… perhaps, whatever boundaries you might require."
"Oh." Danny's heart dropped, and he wasn't sure what to say.
"I don't think that you're in any way lacking of—of anything."
Stop making it harder not to kiss you, Danny wanted to beg. Instead, he laughed. "Dude, this isn't a Jane Austen book."
"Of course not. I would've married Devin out of convenience by now." Jiyoon raised the bottle with a wry smile and took a drink before passing it back to Danny.
There was obviously still something bothering him, but Danny didn't want to push on that particular bruise anymore.
"How long were you guys together?" he asked as the sun dipped down behind the Space Needle. Lights had begun flicking on up Queen Anne Hill, and South Lake Union glowed across the water.
"Two years." Jiyoon gave him a half-smile. "It feels like a long time."
"It is a long time." He mulled it over. "Were you friends?"
"I suppose. Not like you and I are. We just knew each other."
Danny was grasping at straws, trying to imagine a world in which Devin had been charming enough to net Jiyoon Lee's affection.
"You're trying to guess why we were together," Jiyoon said.
Danny cringed. "Yeah, sorry. He just didn't seem… Honestly, he wasn't nice to you."
"The thing about Devin," Jiyoon said, "is that he has his shit together. Other people have five-year plans—he has a seven-year plan. He knows where he wants to buy property, he knows where he wants to work. He already has a job offer. That kind of stability… that's attractive."
"You must've thrown a wrench into that when you broke up with him, then."
"What?" Jiyoon gave him a look of confusion.
"I mean, you… you messed up the plan."
"Oh." Jiyoon looked down at his knees. "I doubt I was included."
"Oh. Sorry."
"It doesn't matter, honestly. It wasn't just that he had it all worked out. He challenged me, and he made me more ambitious. I appreciated that," Jiyoon finished with a shrug. "When we got along, it was because our ambitions are very similar."
"Like, world domination? Because you sound a bit like a supervillain."
Jiyoon smiled. "Fortunately for you, no. No, I just want… stability." He picked at the label on the wine bottle and then smiled more faintly at Danny. "I didn't grow up with money. But I've seen the peace of mind it can bring. So that's my evil plan."
"Peace of mind."
"Yes. I know it's not terribly exciting—"
"No, I want you to have that. I want—whatever you want," he finished lamely.
"Have you considered—" Jiyoon stopped. "That it's November. And it's very chilly out."
Danny hadn't even paid attention to his stiff fingers and toes. It hadn't mattered, and he got the feeling it wasn't something Jiyoon cared about either.
The wine really hit him as they were walking along the cracked streets back to Jiyoon's place, and both of them were laughing like idiots until Jiyoon punched the door code in with wavering fingers. He pushed it open and then turned back to face Danny, teeth sunk in his lower lip.
"Can you—" he started. Danny's heart rose in his throat. "Can you make it home all right?"
"Yeah… it's not far."
"Good." Jiyoon's cheeks were red, and he gave Danny a flustered smile. "You should probably stay there tonight."
"Well, yeah," said Danny, like he hadn't just been thinking about kissing Jiyoon against the door. "It's my house."
"Right. I'll see you later, then." Jiyoon slid through the door, leaving Danny to wander back into the cold.