It seemed like Danny blinked his eyes, and winter break was nearly over. He had spent Christmas with his family, glutting himself on home-cooked meals and talking up his plans for the next year.
He had squeaked through Fall Quarter all right, getting a solid 2.9 in accounting. Jiyoon broke the news to him before it went up on the website, and Danny had actually almost cried with relief.
"I told you you weren't going to fail," Jiyoon had murmured in his ear before kissing it.
"Rub it in why don't you?"
"Mhm. I knew you could do it."
Danny still wasn't convinced he had done it. And anyway, had it even been worth it? Sure, he was one step closer to graduating, but all those hours of suffering had left him with nothing but a head full of formulas he had spent the last three weeks forgetting.
And a cute boyfriend who was a good kisser and gave him space when he wanted it.
He wondered what would happen when classes started again. Maybe this time it would be easier.
Still, compulsion drove him to the studio at all times of day. With Jiyoon still visiting his parents for Christmas, Danny didn't have any other place he'd rather spend the night.
There was a knock on the studio door, and Danny looked up to see Erika in the doorway. Her dark, curly hair was up in a tie and she was holding two Styrofoam cups.
"Hey, boss. You're here late."
She smiled wryly at the nickname. "I saw the light on. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yeah, totally. Come on in." He took the coffee and Erika sat down on an amp across from him. She was wearing casual, comfy clothes for a late night at the office.
"Are you writing?"
"Yeah, just jotting some shit down. Some stuff down," he corrected himself, patting the notebook on his lap. "I don't know if it's any good, but—" He shrugged.
She didn't blink at the language. "Do you not work well at home?"
"I do, but if I want to play anything, I have to do it here 'cause of the noise regulations. I just wanted to get this done while I can."
"What do you mean?" She crossed her legs, not taking her eyes off him. He felt like a shrinking violet in front of her.
"It's just with school starting next week… I don't know. I have this feeling like I have to do this now, or else I won't have time. Or it just won't be good, because I'll be so busy. But I like busy," he hastened to add. "Busy is good."
"Can I be honest with you?"
"Yeah, totally."
"It's time for you to consider applying yourself to this seriously. If this is what you want to do."
Danny's heart sank. "What do you mean?"
"Speaking as your manager, I would like you to weigh how important school is to you right now. After the last concert, there's been a buzz around The Trouble. It's all good news, but what I'm hearing from you now makes me concerned. Does that make sense?"
"Because I'm… too busy?"
"You have an excellent work ethic, and your focus is impressive. But if burning out and overworking yourself is something you feel is possible, I want you to refocus."
"On the band."
"On whatever is more important to you right now."
"So, the band," Danny said, a little more forcefully. "I'm serious about this."
Erika nodded. "I've got a lot on my plate right now. I'm booking slots at summer concerts, and planning out the spring and summer tours. When I think about the bands that would do well on the road, The Trouble is on the top of my list. But if I don't have clarity about what your plans are, I can't make any moves on your behalf. Do you understand?"
"Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense."
"I know this is a lot to drop on you at once."
"It's not. Really. Thanks for telling me straight up." Danny's heart was pounding.
"You can take a few days to think about this."
"I don't need to. Seriously, I can call the school tomorrow." Danny shrugged, feeling the movement in slow motion. The familiar studio suddenly felt very far away, like he was looking down on it from a precipice. And he realized he was going to jump. "I'll drop out. It's not a big deal. This is what's important to me."
"Let me know what you decide," Erika said. "You can call me anytime."
She stood to leave, and Danny wished her a good night. After she was gone he remembered the cup of coffee, now cold in his hands.
All night he paced the studio, stomach in knots, thinking about making that call.
But when he considered about the next six months of his life and with it no school, the world seemed to open up. The pressure of grades and papers and classes would diminish into nothing.
He could write. He could learn a new instrument. Hell, he could get better at playing guitar. And if he decided to stay in the studio till two in the morning, he wouldn't be fucking himself over for the next day.
A knot that he hadn't known he had dissolved in his stomach.
*~*~*
As it turned out, dropping out was as easy as pressing a button on the UW website. He got a concerned email from the registrar asking him to contact a counselor, which he ignored in favor of meeting up with Jiyoon for Thai food on the Ave.
Jiyoon breezed into the restaurant looking bookish and competent, messenger bag full of books slung over his shoulder. It clunked when he set it down. Jiyoon gave him a sharp smile.
"Pre-quarter reading."
"That's, like, twenty pounds."
"Oh, more than that." Jiyoon started unwinding his huge winter scarf and shrugged off the puffy down coat that enveloped his small shoulders. "You look like finals week came early."
"It kinda did." Danny ran a hand through his messy hair. He felt a little like he was sleepwalking. "I dropped out of school today."
"You what?" Jiyoon stared blankly.
"Erika and I were talking last night, and it's like… I want to be serious about the band. And she wants me to be serious. You know, there are so many summer shows coming up—and tours, holy shit. All these things that we could get into. So it seemed like the right time."
"Seemed," Jiyoon repeated, in a hollow voice.
"I mean, it is. Anyway, I did it."
"That doesn't make any sense."
The words stung, and Danny found himself bristling. "What about it doesn't make sense?"
"You're going on tour?"
"Not officially, but we can—"
"When?"
"I don't know yet."
"When will you know?"
"I don't know," Danny snapped. "Sorry. Look this all just happened last night—"
"But how long have you been considering this?"
"I mean… last night." Danny felt another prick of annoyance as Jiyoon scoffed. "But it feels right. Last quarter was shit. You know I hated it, you were there."
"I know it was hard, but it's over now. And it's not like you didn't do well, all things considered. It's no reason to drop out of school. Not when you're this close—"
"Being stressed out and busy as hell isn't enough of a reason?"
"Everyone is stressed. I'm stressed."
"But you have a reason to be. You know I want to make music for my career. What's the point of finishing school when my career is ready to take off right now?"
"You don't even know what you're doing this summer, so how can you be talking about your career? You would be graduating in June—"
"If I finish my classes."
"You will." Now Jiyoon's voice was taut, on the verge of breaking. "It's six months. Why are you so eager to throw everything away when you're six months from having a degree?"
"It's a degree in pointless bullshit—"
"It matters."
"It doesn't matter to me. It's like a fucking layover on the way to doing what I actually want, and it feels like a waste of time."
"A waste of time," Jiyoon repeated. His hands were balled up, white-knuckled in his lap. "Why was I tutoring you for hours every week, if school is a waste of time?"
The angry, impulsive side of Danny bit back: "I never asked you to."
Jiyoon wasn't looking at him anymore, and the small table felt like an unbroachable wall between them. Danny's temper was still flaring. "Look, it's not a big deal. I still have the credits. I'll go back if I have to. But you know, that kind of implies that I'm a fucking failure at what I do, so—"
"What you're talking about is insane. Re-applying… re-enrolling… that's such a waste of time when you're set up to finish now—"
"But I'm not, because I dropped out. It's done. And I'm fucking sick of school, so why—" Danny couldn't keep the frustration from his voice. "Why are you so convinced I'll need it anyway?"
"Rationality."
"Bullshit. Just tell me you don't think I can make it."
"I—" Jiyoon stopped and briefly put a hand over his mouth. When he lowered it to the table, his fingers were curled against his palm, but his hand still shook. "I think you can do whatever you want. But I can't."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm always going to want to know what your next step is. I'm always going to want to know what your backup plan is, and I'm always going to be asking these questions. It's going to drive me crazy, and it's going to make you hate me."
"No, it won't." Danny leaned in, and Jiyoon retracted his hand. "Listen, I know what I'm doing."
"You just admitted to me that you don't. All you're doing is lunging carelessly towards a goal that very few people achieve—"
"And I'm fine with that. Whatever happens to me—"
"It's not just happening to you, is it?" Jiyoon's eyes were sad and angry all at once, and Danny found himself at a loss for words. "I think that, perhaps, I am wasting my time with you."
He pushed back his chair and stood. Danny looked helplessly up at him.
"Jiyoon…"
"Thank you," Jiyoon said stiffly, knuckles white on the strap of his bag. "This was fun. All of this was fun."