Chapter Twenty-five
Nicole hoped the children would think the redness of her cheeks was caused by the exertion of trudging up Dead Man’s Drop. The kids might buy that, but she knew Jane wouldn’t. It was bad enough that Sam had kissed her in front of all the children, but for her to have been a willing participant was another matter altogether. If she were honest with herself she’d have to say she’d enjoyed that kiss—more than she would ever admit to anyone else. If it weren’t for the children, she’d probably still be in his embrace.
Good heavens. To make things worse, she couldn’t help wondering what Joshua was thinking. He had prayed they would be one big happy family and to him that was probably what the kiss meant. She could still see the glee on his face.
“You’re such a ninny. Now what are you going to do?” she said out loud.
“Who you talking to?” Jane asked.
Nicole waved a hand. “Nobody. I’m so sorry you had to see that. It was…wrong.”
Jane wrinkled her brows. “Are you kidding? That was great! Regina and I have been speculating about when the two of you would get together.”
Heat flooded Nicole. “That was not great. That was a mistake. There is nothing, nothing between Dr. Morgan and myself. I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell anybody what you saw.”
Jane shrugged. “Okay, but there’s no way you’re going to keep the little ones from talking. You know what they say, out of the mouths of babes…”
Oh dear, she was right. The children. There was nothing she could do about them. She could see little Cindy sitting at the dinner table and Mrs. Stapleton asking, “So how was school today?” And Cindy would answer so matter-of-factly, “Fine. Dr. Morgan kissed Miss James at the park.”
She wanted to make Golden Ridge her home for life and now it looked like she would have to leave out of sheer embarrassment and shame.
Jane laughed and stuck her arm through Nicole’s. “Oh come on. It’s not all that bad. It’ll liven up this town. The ladies guild at church will start pinning wedding dresses and cakes on Pinterest.”
Nicole blanched. “No, you don’t understand. Sam’s leaving and I’m staying. End of story. There is no wedding in the future. Ever.”
Jane gave another shrug. “Maybe there isn’t any cake yet. But anything is possible with time and prayer.”
True. She’d seen a lot of small miracles lately. Sam saving Grace House for one. God could move a mountain if he wanted to, but he’d have to move continents to make this one work. And at her last check of the atlas, Guatemala wasn’t a neighbor of Golden Ridge.
* * *
Nicole thought for sure Sam would show up to talk as soon as the children left for the day, but he didn’t. It wasn’t until fifteen minutes before dinner that Sam walked through the front door covered in dirt and perspiration. When he gave her a tired smile, her heart tumbled over in her chest. “I’m glad you’re finally home,” she said.
“Really? I thought I’d be the last person you’d want to see.” He headed for the staircase. “I’m gonna take a quick shower. Basement work is tough business. I’ll tell you one thing, Juan sure does earn his money.”
“Or in this case, no money at all.”
Sam paused on the stairs without turning before he proceeded. “Yeah, right.”
“Should I tell Regina to hold dinner for a few minutes?” Nicole made her way to the bottom of the stairs, hoping he’d turn and look at her.
But he just kept moving upward. “Nope. I’ll be down shortly.”
Disappointment entered every ounce of her being. Surely he wasn’t going to pretend that nothing happened that morning—that nothing had changed? Slowly she moved away from the stairs. Perhaps nothing had changed—just as she’d told Jane earlier—and the kiss meant nothing.
To be honest, in her heart, she wanted that kiss to mean so much more. She leaned against the hallway wall and closed her eyes to imagine what she really yearned for… And there they were, Sam, Joshua and her, laughing and skipping down the street together, hand in hand. A gold band gracing her ring finger…
Her eyes flew open. What was she doing dreaming of and wanting what could never be? Nothing good would come from her daydreaming. Not once had Sam said he cared about her or even spoken of more, let alone promised her any part of his and Joshua’s future.
She glanced at the dark wood floors, the bright cream walls and elegant lead glass windows. Sam had said he was selling his beautiful home. The kiss was probably nothing more than a grateful exuberance. Perhaps she should follow his lead and say nothing more about it. Yes that was it: If they both ignored the kiss, things would be back to normal in no time.
Nicole headed for the kitchen knowing she wasn’t fooling herself. She’d remember that kiss for as long as she lived.
* * *
Supper went off pretty much as it always had, even though they weren’t at Grace House. Sam joked with Joshua, usually ending with who could balance his fork on a single finger or get a spoon to stick to their nose. Not once did Sam mention the morning kiss and thankfully, Joshua didn’t say a word either.
The case seemed to be closed.
They cleared the dishes away and then played board games—Candy Land and other favorites—with Joshua. The four of them spent the next few hours taking turns winning. Joshua had three wins and so did Sam. Regina and Nicole trailed with two wins apiece. This last game would decide the grand champion. Sam and Joshua were neck and neck for the finish line while the two women lagged behind.
Joshua picked up the dice and scrunched up his face in concentration. He needed to roll a five for the win. “I’m going to beat you.”
“I don’t know. I am a pro at Candy Land,” Sam teased.
The dice spun from Joshua’s fingers and landed across the board: a two and a three. That’s five. Joshua quickly moved his blue, plastic gingerbread man to the winner’s spot and threw his hands up in the air. “I’m the champion!”
Sam gave Joshua a quick peck on the forehead. “You sure are. You’re the king of Candy Land.”
The boy giggled. “Now you kiss Miss ’Cole like you did at the park.”
Everyone froze except Joshua, whose gaze shifted between her and Sam. Regina’s eyes were as wide as a family size pizza.
“How about I help you get ready for bed?” Sam asked.
“No. Kiss first.” Without budging Joshua folded his hands over his chest.
Sam coughed and almost turned gray. It was clear; he would rather kiss a wart hog than her. That was it then. Nicole stood up and headed out the back door. Hot angry tears stung her eyes before he caught up to her.
“Nicole, wait.” He reached for her arm. “We need to talk.”
She pulled away, keeping up her brisk pace. “No. I’d rather forget about this. At least for now.”
“We have to tell Joshua something.”
“How about the truth?”
He stopped and put his hands on his hips, but she kept going. “And what is that?” he asked.
Her steps faltered. She shook her head, trying to hold her tears in. “I don’t know. Do you?”
He sighed, then looked up into the night sky. “Look at all of those stars. Aren’t they beautiful?”
Irritation rumbled through her like an avalanche. Her gaze followed his until she too, looked upward. They needed to make some sense of their relationship and he wanted to go star gazing. “Yes, they’re awesome, but what does this have to do with—”
“What do you see?” He stood behind her, pointing to the starry night.
Nicole squinted. Astronomy wasn’t her greatest interest. “I don’t know… The Big Dipper.”
His face lit up like the night sky above them. “That’s right. What else do you see?”
She wanted to bark out “Nothing” and turn around and head home, but somehow he had managed to wrap an arm around her waist. Instead, she fixed her gaze on the celestial night and tried to make something out of the mass of stars in the sky above them. “The Little Dipper.”
“Do you see anything else between them?”
This was pointless. “No, nothing.” She tried to pull away. His arm didn’t budge. He just pulled her closer. And what irritated her more was that she liked it.
“Look, see the long tail of stars snaking between the Dippers. That’s Draco, the dragon’s body. If you look below the Little Dipper you’ll find four more stars shaped like a diamond. That’s its head.”
Nicole focused her gaze to follow his finger. She found the tail easily, but the head… “That looks more like a trapezoid to me. Heads are supposed to be round or oblong.”
He chuckled. “I thought preschool teachers were supposed to have creative minds.”
“We do, for making trees, bracelets or napkin holders out of the cardboard rolls from paper towels.”
“Now I’m having a hard time seeing those trees.” He chuckled.
Her head sunk to his shoulder… Quickly she jerked it upright. “This is all lovely, but what’s your po—?”
“The point is these stars are even more outstanding in Guatemala and I wish you could see them.” He turned her in his arms. “I can’t promise you anything. Vicky hasn’t been gone that long, but I would like to give us a try.”
No matter how secure and content she felt in his arms, she shook her head. “I can’t go. I’m not—”
“I know you aren’t that type of woman.” He rushed on. “I’m not asking you to compromise your principles or besmirch your virtue. I just want to see if we can be something together. I want to get to know you better and I know ISCOP is looking for good teachers to help teach and train others.”
The no began to form; he placed two fingers on her lips.
“Please—just think about it.”
His plea ripped at her heart. She took his hand in hers. “We should head back. What must Joshua be thinking?”
“I heard Regina say you were sad about not being at Grace House and you didn’t want to kiss anybody. I think she was going to get him ready for bed.”
Nicole sighed. “Leave it to Regina to fix this mess up.”
“Yeah, she’s wonderful,” he said though his voice was tinged with a sadness.
“Walk with me. There’s something you need to know.”
A look of defeat etched his face as if he dreaded what she might tell him, as hand in hand, they strolled down the street.
“I’m sorry I doubted you,” she said. I accused you of an awful thing. You’re a wonderful father.”
“You didn’t know me. You went on Vicky’s word.”
Leave it to Sam to turn a terrible decision into a positive opportunity.
Nicole paused and held up her hand. “I didn’t have the faith to see that I was wrong. I was raised by a father who would never settle down. We moved every six to nine months. With each move he promised it would be our last. Eventually, tired of his broken promises, my mother couldn’t cope so she started to drink. By the time I was twel the mother I knew didn’t exist anymore.”
“So you thought—”
“Yes. I saw my mother in Vicky and my father in you. I thought your circumstances were the same and I wanted to protect Joshua from all that heartache. But I was wrong.”
“So you became the planner and organizer. The grounded one.”
She nodded. “As I kid, I did the grocery shopping, laundry and cleaning. I ran interference for my mother as much as I could. When I was sixteen, she died and my dad wanted to move again. I couldn’t. After her funeral in St. Louis, I slipped out of the apartment and went to a friend’s house. Her mother threatened to call my father so I left and lived on the streets. I met a guy named Robert who gave me a place to stay and food to eat. I thought he was the world until one day he wanted me to pay up.”
Sam stopped. “Nicole, you don’t have to—”
“Yes, yes I do. Let me finish. I couldn’t do what he asked so I ran away. I literally stumbled into Regina’s arms. She took me in and taught me about Christ’s love. She encouraged me to finish high school and then stood by me as I went on to college. After I graduated, it was my idea to purchase Grace House and to have the two of us run a home for women who were down on their luck. Even if I wanted to leave, I couldn’t. Regina is like a mother to me and I don’t want to abandon or disappoint her.”
* * *
With those words, Sam saw his dreams of Nicole coming with him to Guatemala drifting away like a dead log pulled away in a rapidly moving stream. “But even mothers expect their daughters to grow up, get married and move away some day. And Jane Martin would appreciate the opportunity to work close to home. She could take over the school and Regina could handle any women that came to Grace House for support.”
Nicole’s eyes softened in the moonlight. His plea must have sounded pathetic.
“Sam. I can’t leave.”
“But I can’t stay.” He saw the question in her eyes: Can’t or won’t?
Had his parents’ married life been that bad? Yes. They did the same thing day after day—went to the office, came home, went to church on Sundays—week after week, year after year. He didn’t realize that this was not the life he wanted until he’d gone to Guatemala. Perhaps that’s why Vicky and he drifted apart: He was never meant to live the provincial life. If he stayed he would destroy Nicole’s and Joshua’s lives, like he did Vicky’s.
“You don’t understand. The people I helped in Guatemala fulfilled me more than I helped them. It’s a richness I wish you could feel.”
The warm evening breeze ruffled her hair and sent a sweet scent of roses through the air. She dropped her gaze to the sidewalk. “I do know what you are talking about.”
Of course she did. “Forgive me. I didn’t mean to put down what you do.”
She lifted her moist eyes. “I know. We’re just two people who met under very wrong circumstances and will shortly part company.”
He wanted to ask her if that meant she was giving him the green light to take Joshua, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it in that moment. Anyway, he figured that was a given. He’d have his son, but deep down he knew even when that happened, something would be missing. And that something was Nicole.
He leaned over and gave her one lovely, longing kiss. A kiss that carried a promise that could never be fulfilled. She knew it and he knew it. But they held on to each other anyway, etching this moment in their minds—the one time they were in agreement, standing on the same street in a small town, in Missouri.