The Verve: ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’
I’ve always known music can change your life. I just hadn’t realised it was about to change mine so dramatically on an otherwise ordinary December afternoon.
It was already getting dark as I stepped out of the gift shop, the dusk creeping over the rooftops like reaching fingers, smothering the violets and greys of the day even though it was not yet 4 p.m. A streetlight flickered on as I turned a corner, casting orange smudges onto the frosty pavement, and I stomped my feet, trying to warm my numb toes.
I swerved to avoid a small gathering on the pavement outside the Fat Cat café, impatient to get home. But as I passed, the opening notes of ‘Bitter Sweet Symphony’ by The Verve rose above the heads of the crowd and I stopped for a moment, drawn in. I loved the song, and I listened, mesmerised, as the busker plucked out the familiar melody.
And then he started to sing, and the whole world ground to a halt.
Because I knew that voice.
I knew it.
On shaking legs, I pushed past a couple of women to the front of the crowd to see the singer more clearly. He had a beanie pulled tightly over his forehead and he was turned slightly away from me, his mouth pressed against the microphone. But I didn’t need to see his face to know who it was. My heart hammered as I waited, concentrating on breathing in slowly, sucking air into my lungs and pushing it back out again. I’d forgotten all about the cold now; all I could focus on was the man singing in front of me.
Then he looked up, and my heart stopped.
It was him.
It was Adam Bowers.
I felt frozen, and I stood, locked in the moment, unable to move even though every single part of me was telling me to go, to get out of there. I hardly dared to breathe.
Then the song ended, there was a smattering of applause, and I came to my senses. And, before he could notice me, I turned and fled, ignoring the tuts as I shoved past people in my haste to get away. I ran all the way down the high street, past the shops and cafes and crowds and out to where the shops thinned and the terraced houses of the estate began. Only then did I stop, my lungs burning and my pulse thumping. I felt dizzy. I bent over and placed my hands on my knees while I waited for my breathing to return to normal, and then looked around me. I’d come further out of town than I’d intended so I started walking slowly back the way I came, trying to arrange my thoughts into some sort of order.
Adam Bowers.
What the hell was he doing back here after all this time?
Why was he busking?
Why did I care?
Rattled, I pulled my bobble hat down over my ears and tugged my scarf tighter, watching my breath rise in puffs in front of me as I marched along the pavement. I felt shaken, as though the world had tipped upside down, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself. I hadn’t seen this man for almost two decades, but I’d thought about him many times. As I walked, my footsteps tapping out a rhythm on the pavement, memories flooded into my mind without warning.
Adam on stage, singing to me…
Adam playing his guitar in the park…
Adam’s lips brushing mine…
Adam lying next to me, my skin burning beneath his touch…
Adam leaving, not even glancing behind as he walked away from me.
I stopped, pushed the memories away. Stop it. I couldn’t do this.
When I looked up, I was almost at my best friend Sam’s house, so I hurried the extra hundred metres to his front door and pressed the buzzer. Seconds later a tinny voice came over the intercom.
‘Speak.’
‘It’s me.’
‘Come up.’ Sam buzzed me up and moments later I found him standing in his doorway in nothing but a towel, his bare chest glistening with drops of water.
‘I was just out of the shower,’ he said, rubbing his hair with a smaller towel and showering me with droplets at the same time. He looked sheepish. ‘Sorry.’
I hugged him gingerly then stepped inside as he closed the door.
‘Everything all right, E?’ he said, looking me up and down appraisingly in the way only a gay man can get away with. ‘Well, apart from that ridiculous hat.’ He grinned but I didn’t return his smile.
‘I saw Adam,’ I said instead, breathless. I was still shaking.
‘Adam who?’ He stopped then, and gasped. ‘Adam Adam? As in the love of your life Adam?’
‘The very one.’
‘Fuck me, what’s he doing back here?’ He almost pushed me into the living room and pulled us both down to sit on the sofa. ‘Tell me everything.’
‘I—’ I stopped, unsure where to start. Sam and I had been friends since we were eleven years old; he’d been through everything with me. He’d seen me at my worst – including when Adam left – and yet I still didn’t know what to tell him. I couldn’t work out how to form the words.
‘Start with where and when,’ he coaxed gently, taking hold of my fingers. His were icy and I realised he was still in nothing more than a towel in the chilly flat.
‘Go and put some clothes on first and then I’ll tell you everything,’ I promised.
He stood reluctantly and headed towards his bedroom. ‘Okay, but I’m ringing Rose.’ And before I could object, he closed the door in my face.
Rose was my other best friend and the only other person in the whole world who knew me better than I knew myself. Rose and Sam and I had been friends since secondary school, so they’d both seen me through everything: boyfriends, parties, exams, heartbreak, the works. They both knew how much I’d loved Adam all those years ago, and how shattered I’d been when he’d left. If anyone could understand what I needed right now, it was them.
I was brought back to the present by the slam of Sam’s door and when I looked up he was dressed in a reindeer sweater and skinny jeans. His hair was still damp and he was holding his phone in one hand.
‘Nice jumper.’
He looked down and did a twirl. ‘Thanks. It’s ironic, innit.’ He sat down next to me and pulled a sock on. ‘Rose is on her way. Now, tell me. Why is Adam bloody Bowers back?’
‘Honestly Sam, I have no idea. I didn’t exactly stop and speak to him.’
‘But where was he, who was he with, what was he doing?’ He rolled his hand impatiently, indicating that he expected more detail.
‘He was busking on the high street.’
Sam stopped abruptly, one sock dangling in mid-air. ‘Busking? The international rock star breaking hearts all around the world, was busking in the high street of the town he always claimed to hate, in the middle of the day?’
I shrugged. ‘What can I tell you? Although I think international rock star might be pushing it.’ I gave a grimace.
He squinted at me. ‘Are you absolutely sure it was him?’
‘Of course I’m sure!’
‘Okay, okay, I’m only asking.’ He held his hands up in surrender. ‘So what happened?’
‘Nothing happened. I – I ran away.’
‘Oh E.’ Sam looked at me with pity. ‘And did he see you?’
‘I don’t think so.’
The doorbell rang then, and Sam leapt up to let Rose in.
‘Come in, sit down; Erin was just telling us about seeing Adam today.’
Rose perched on the sofa beside me, tucking her legs beneath her. ‘I can’t believe this Erin, what on earth did you do?’
‘I didn’t do anything,’ I replied. ‘I didn’t even speak to him.’
‘For God’s sake, this is so frustrating!’ Sam said, throwing himself down on the chair next to me.
‘But it’s a good thing, surely, given that she’s happily married?’ Rose tugged her hat off, leaving her curls wild around her head.
‘Exactly. Thank you Rose.’ I glared at Sam menacingly. ‘My husband is something you seem to have conveniently forgotten about during this whole interrogation.’
‘Moi?’ Sam said, feigning indignation.
‘Yes, you know what you’re like Sam. Anything for a bit of juicy gossip.’ Rose turned to me. ‘But E, what on earth is Adam doing here?’
‘I honestly don’t know. I legged it,’ I admitted sheepishly.
Rose studied me questioningly. ‘But?’
‘But what?’
‘Come on, we know you, remember? There’s no way you saw Adam Bowers and felt nothing at all.’ She nodded at me. ‘Look how flustered you are. You don’t get that flustered when you see Mr Higgins walking his dog along the road do you?’
I grinned at the thought of our old geography teacher Mr Higgins setting anyone’s pulse racing. ‘I couldn’t let him see me,’ I said. ‘I couldn’t breathe.’
Rose crossed her legs and leant her chin on her fist. ‘I wonder where he’s been all this time.’
‘We know where he’s been Rosie,’ Sam cut in. ‘Travelling round the world playing his guitar and spreading his seed far and wide. The question is, why is he back?’
We fell silent for a few minutes, then Sam spoke.
‘When did you last Google him?’
I looked up indignantly. ‘I don’t Google him!’
‘Yeah you do. So come on, how long’s it been?’
I sighed. ‘Not for at least a year.’
Sam looked impressed. ‘Wow, that’s very restrained.’ He stood, walked across the room and returned with his iPad. ‘Let’s look him up.’
‘No!’ I cried.
Sam’s fingers hovered in mid-air. ‘What do you mean, no?’
‘Honestly Sam, please don’t do it.’
Sam put the iPad down slowly and twisted round to face me. ‘This has really rattled you, hasn’t it?’
I nodded.
‘And I take it you haven’t mentioned this to Greg?’
I looked up. ‘Of course not. I came straight here.’
Beside me, Rose nodded. ‘Wise decision.’
‘Poor Greg though,’ Sam said.
‘Why poor Greg?’
‘Well, you know.’ He shrugged. ‘He always hated Adam for being the man you loved more than him, didn’t he?’
‘Sam!’ Rose said.
‘What? It’s true.’ He held his hands up in protest. ‘I’m not saying you don’t love Greg, E, I’m just saying, this is Adam. The love of your life Adam, who you had a mad, passionate affair with. Greg was your rebound guy who stuck around, and he knows it.’
‘Sam that was years ago—’ Rose started, but I interrupted her.
‘It’s okay Rose.’ I ran my fingers through my hair. ‘He’s right, isn’t he? I mean, if Adam is back for good, it’s going to be weird for both of us. It’s not as though I can pretend to Greg that Adam never meant anything to me. He was there.’ I had a sudden urge to be by myself. I pulled myself to standing. ‘I’m going to the loo.’
As I locked the toilet door behind me I let out a huge sigh. Seeing Adam for the first time in eighteen years had sent my mind into turmoil, flashbacks spiralling in uninvited until I couldn’t work out what was up and what was down. I sat on the closed loo seat and dropped my head into my hands, letting the memories come.
I’d been relatively innocent before Adam had walked into my life. Of course I’d kissed a few boys, had a few boyfriends; a fumbling snog with Danny Hardman at a year nine party had been my first. He’d tasted of cigarettes and Pot Noodle and he’d put his hand in my bra as we’d kissed out the back of the social club by the bins. I’d even gone out with a couple of boys in my year after that first kiss. Trips to the cinema to see Bend It Like Beckham or About a Boy, an awkward dinner with Matty Sampson at a local Italian where we’d had nothing to talk about so had ended up getting outrageously drunk on Lambrusco to try and make up for it.
But I’d known Adam had been different the moment I set eyes on him. He didn’t have the same identikit undercut haircut with a floppy fringe that all the boys at my school had – his had been longer, less styled, freer. He’d gone to a different school – no nylon blazers for him; no Friday night fish and chip suppers from the local chippy. His life was mysterious. Exciting. Dangerous.
And while the other boys had made me feel warm as we snogged, with Adam I felt as though my insides were poker hot, as though the desire could burn me from the inside out from our very first kiss.
When we’d split up, I’d struggled. How could my life possibly go on without him in it? I’d thought about him constantly for weeks, tortured myself imagining what he was up to, wondering whether he was thinking about me. I’d even pictured him walking back through the doors of the pub and declaring his undying love for me in front of everyone. And as I’d just admitted to Sam, I had looked him up online a few times too, but it was always from a step removed, the photos of him and his band on stage in various venues around the world lacking any relevance to my life back home.
Over the years the memories of him had gradually faded, parcelled away on a high shelf away from harm so I could no longer picture his face clearly. And I knew it was for the best. After all, I had Greg, and Greg and I were happy. Greg loved me, I loved him.
Nothing could come between us, not after all this time.
Until now.
The trouble was, Greg and I were now in trouble. For the first time in our thirteen-year marriage, he was no longer the safe sanctuary I’d always assumed he would be, and it had pushed our marriage to the limit. Five months ago I’d discovered that Greg had gambled away almost everything we owned – including our house. The constant rows following the revelation meant that the bitterness had chipped away at the foundations of our marriage with every snide comment, every misplaced word. We’d been working hard to repair it, but things were still fragile, the stability we’d always had seriously compromised – and I knew that telling Greg about Adam being back in town would only set us back again.
I stood, washed my hands and headed back to the living room to find Rose and Sam. As I walked in, the pair of them abruptly stopped talking.
‘So what are you going to do?’ Sam said as I sat back down.
‘She’s not going to do anything, Samuel,’ Rose cut in sharply before I could answer. She fixed me with a look. ‘You’re going to steer well clear of Adam, aren’t you Erin?’
I nodded slowly. ‘Absolutely,’ I agreed.
‘See?’ Rose turned to Sam triumphantly. But Sam was watching me, and I could see from the look in his eyes that he didn’t believe a word I was saying.