Pearl Jam: ‘Black’
There was a loud, insistent banging at the door and Erin sat bolt upright, her heart pounding. Beside her, fully clothed, Greg snored away, oblivious.
Bang bang bang bang. ‘Erin, let me in!’
Adam.
Erin shook Greg awake and he groaned sleepily and peeled his eyes open.
‘Wha’?’
‘Adam’s here. Get up!’ she hissed, yanking his arm.
As Greg sat up and slid off the bed and onto the chair by her desk, bleary-eyed and befuddled, Erin stumbled over to the door. They had fallen asleep last night after sharing a bottle of gin – Greg had sat an exam that hadn’t gone very well and Erin had helped him drown his sorrows. But now Adam was here and even Greg was aware that it looked bad that she had another man in her room. Especially him, who, Greg knew, Adam was suspicious enough of anyway.
With a quick glance over her shoulder to check that Greg was out of her bed, Erin took a deep breath and pulled the door open with a flourish.
‘Adam!’ she cried, and fell into him. As Greg watched, a ball of fury rose in his chest as Adam tried to wrap his arms around Erin but instead stumbled sideways into the door frame. He looked rough, his hair unwashed, his eyes bloodshot. There was an undeniable fug of whisky fumes around him. He was pissed. Great.
‘Are you drunk?’ Erin said, peering up at him.
‘Maybe a little.’ His words slurred into each other and Erin stepped back into the room.
‘It’s nine o’clock in the morning.’
He gave a lopsided grin. ‘Yeah I know. Can I come in then?’ Adam lurched forward and swiped for her, but she ducked out of the way so he fell against the wall. ‘Hey, come here sexy.’
‘Adam, stop it.’ Erin grabbed for his hand and led him inside. ‘Come in.’ He bounced off the door frame and almost tripped. Then he looked up and saw Greg.
‘Woss he doin’ here?’ He pointed accusingly and Greg felt his whole body tense. He held his hands up in surrender. ‘Nothing, nothing. I was just helping Erin with something.’ He gestured towards Erin’s empty desk but Adam didn’t even notice the lack of papers on it. He was pawing Erin instead, trying to kiss her neck. She shoved him away.
‘Sorry Greg; I think he’s a bit drunk,’ she said over her shoulder.
‘It’s fine.’ Greg stood and edged around Adam, towards the door. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Yeah, she’s fine mate. I’m her boyfriend in case you’d forgotten. Now bugger off.’ Adam fell onto Erin’s bed and stretched out.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Greg whispered.
Erin glanced over her shoulder and back at him. ‘I’ll be fine. Sorry.’ She pushed him gently out of the door and blew him a kiss. ‘See you later?’
Greg nodded, and trudged slowly along the corridor towards his own room. He would give anything to be the sort of person to storm back in there and insist Adam leave right now. But he knew it would do no good. It would only end badly for him. But he would check up on her later, no matter what she said.
The door closed firmly and Erin turned back to face Adam, swallowing down the shame she felt about her boyfriend being in such a state. The trouble was, it wasn’t the first time Adam had turned up at her door like this, and it seemed to be getting worse each time. There was only so long she could keep making excuses for him.
‘What are you doing here Adam?’ she said, crossing her arms. ‘I thought you were touring this week?’
He struggled to sit up. He looked terrible, worse than she’d first thought. It had been almost a month since she’d last seen him; he’d been off touring somewhere up north, and he’d lost weight. His clothes hung off him and his T-shirt was stained.
‘I thought you’d be pleased to see me.’ He held his arms up. ‘Come here.’
Reluctantly, she sat down next to him. He pressed himself against her and pulled her shirt open so hard the buttons popped off. Despite his appearance, Erin felt a stirring of desire and for a moment she let herself get lost in him. They fell back onto the bed and moments later they were both naked, his lithe body pressing into her.
But then she noticed a mark on his neck and she stiffened.
‘What’s wrong?’ His face was so close she couldn’t make out his features, only smell his stale-smoke breath.
‘What’s that?’ She ran her finger along his neck and across the livid red mark.
‘What’s what?’
‘This bite mark?’
‘It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.’ He pressed his lips against her again but she turned away and wriggled out from underneath him. She was cold now, and wrapped her flimsy duvet around herself. Adam pushed himself up to sitting, the moment gone. ‘Fuck’s sake Erin.’
‘Adam, why have you got a bite mark on your neck?’ Her voice was icy.
‘I dunno.’ He leaned towards her. ‘Pleeease can we just get back into bed?’
She pulled away, suddenly disgusted by this man. She thought about all the times she’d defended him to Greg, to all of her friends, insisting that, no matter how many women Adam was surrounded by every night, he would never cheat on her. But of course she’d known, deep down, that it was inevitable. How could she have been so naïve?
‘You need to leave.’
‘What?’
‘You’re pissed.’
‘So?’
She sighed. ‘I’ve had enough.’
‘Of me?’
‘Of us. This.’ Erin couldn’t believe she was saying it. She worshipped Adam, still loved him ferociously. But there was no way she could deal with him turning up out of the blue like this any more, expecting her to welcome him with open arms, but knowing he was about to go back on tour and – probably – sleep with anyone who threw themselves at him.
‘But I love you.’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t think you do. You just like me being here whenever you want me.’
He didn’t answer for a moment, then he stood with a jerk, and started pulling his jeans on, then his filthy T-shirt. As she watched him she nearly shouted at him to stop, that she loved him, that she wanted him to stay. And the truth was she really did want him to. But she also knew that she couldn’t keep doing this, that things would only continue to spiral if she gave in again now. It took all her willpower to let him walk away.
When he finally shut the door of her student room behind him, her legs collapsed beneath her, and she dragged herself onto her bed, dug out her favourite Pearl Jam CD, and listened to ‘Black’, the lyrics about being a star in someone else’s sky torturing her as the thought of never seeing Adam again filled her with a terrible, agonising ache, like a bruise that was too tender to touch.
That’s where Greg found her, hours later. ‘Black’ was playing for the hundredth, two-hundredth time, and she’d cried so much she had no more tears left to shed. She felt like an empty husk, hollowed out, and when Greg tapped on the door, she ignored it at first. But when there was no answer the tapping became more insistent until she couldn’t stand it any longer, and she leapt up and yanked the door open.
‘What?’
‘Oh Erin.’ Greg stepped into the room and wrapped his arms around her and she collapsed into his chest, let him walk her to her bed and curled up with her head on his lap. As she lay peacefully with this lovely, lovely man comforting her, stroking her hair back from her face, his hands so soft and gentle, she felt the pain seeping away. Greg had turned the music off and Erin could hear the thump of his pulse, and his skin felt so warm, and smelt so good. She sat up, finally, utterly spent. Her face was so close to his she could see the veins in his eyes, the tiny lines on his lips. He was so kind to her, so different to the man she’d loved for the last year, and she felt his desire for her so brightly it was as though it was seeping out of him and into her. Her skin pulsed with expectation.
Did she love him? Could it be that she’d been so blinded by Adam that she’d missed what had been right in front of her all this time? That, in fact, it was kind-hearted, handsome Greg who she loved, who she was supposed to be with? Greg, who adored her, who treated her like a princess? And so what if she didn’t feel the same heat between them as she felt when Adam was near her – what good had that done her anyway? Greg’s love was stronger; it made her feel warm, safe. Adored.
Without breaking eye contact, she moved closer, closer, closer, until she felt his warm lips on hers, and she pressed her hand against his cheek. He hesitated a moment, pulled back.
‘Are you sure you want to do this?’
‘Absolutely sure,’ she whispered.
He didn’t need telling twice. And as their kiss deepened, as Greg felt his way hesitantly around this body he’d only been allowed to admire from afar until now, he felt as though he had everything he’d ever wanted, everything he’d ever need.
And that was the moment Erin knew she’d do everything she could to make sure he was everything she would ever need too.