Snow Patrol: ‘Chasing Cars’
The engine idled, thrumming through Erin’s body. She felt queasy. Leaning forward, she tapped the chauffeur on the shoulder.
‘Could you switch the engine off for a minute please?’ she said. He tipped his hat, then the rumbling stopped and the car shuddered to a halt. But the nausea lingered. She swallowed and took deep breaths through her nose.
‘You all right?’ Beside her, Rose clasped Erin’s hand. She continued to stare blankly out of the window.
‘Come on Pearson. You’ll be fine. You just need to get through the ceremony then you can relax.’ Sam took her other hand from the other side. She looked at him, his hair smoothed back, his bow tie at a jaunty angle, and then at Rose, so pretty in her ice-blue dress, and gave a weak smile.
‘Am I doing the right thing?’
A silence. Then Sam: ‘Just a hunch, but it might be a bit late for that now.’
‘Sam,’ Rose said sternly.
‘Sorry.’
Rose shuffled to face her. ‘Listen Erin, this is serious. It’s totally normal to be feeling nervous and scared—’
‘How would you know?’
‘Sam!’
‘Sorry.’
She continued. ‘But if you’re genuinely feeling as though you’re doing the wrong thing, then you have to say so now.’
Erin looked up at her. ‘Really? It doesn’t seem like the best time to be honest, sitting outside the venue ten minutes before the ceremony.’
‘Agreed, it’s not ideal. But it’s still preferable to waiting until afterwards, or regretting it for the rest of your life.’ She lifted Erin’s chin and forced her to meet her eye. ‘Tell me the truth Erin. Do you love Greg?’
‘Of course I do.’
She did, of course she did. She loved his smile, and the way he held her hand, always insisting on walking on the outside of the pavement. She loved his long, slender thighs, strong from rowing and cycling, and the way his hair curled at the back when it got too long. She loved how he paid attention to people, remembered their names, asked them questions, and listened to their replies. There was so much about him that she loved, of course there was – she would never have let things get this far if there weren’t. But now they were here and about to do this, it felt enormous.
Erin had had an anxiety dream last night, and several nights before that, where she’d been standing in front of everyone at the altar, holding Greg’s hand and about to say her vows, when the doors had crashed open and Adam had burst in, yelling at them to halt the ceremony, that she was making a terrible mistake, that it was him she was meant to be with, like a scene from The Graduate. Then she’d looked up at Greg and realised she didn’t know who he was, that he was an imposter, and that Adam was right. Each time she’d woken up at that exact point, feeling confused and shaken. And each time she’d looked over at Greg and studied his sleeping form and tried to remind herself why it was him she was marrying and not Adam.
Now she was about to walk down the aisle for real, and she was simultaneously dreading that Adam might turn up, and hoping that he would.
She breathed in deeply as Rose searched her face for clues that she might be lying, and then Rose nodded, clearly satisfied.
‘Right. Let’s get on with it then.’
‘We’ll be by your side the whole time,’ Sam added.
‘Thank you, you two.’
They climbed out of the car, then up the steps of the Town Hall, where Erin’s mum and dad were waiting. Michael clutched Penny’s hand tightly, while Penny locked eyes with her daughter.
‘You look beautiful love,’ she said, tears shining in her eyes.
Erin hugged her, grateful that she was well enough to be here. Although Penny was still fine most days just five years after her diagnosis, in situations that made her feel uncomfortable, she could sometimes become scared and confused. Erin was so relived she was here to see her big day.
Michael laid his hand on his daughter’s arm. ‘You ready Reeny?’
‘I think so,’ Erin said, her voice a whisper.
They made their way into the room where all their friends and family were waiting.
As they walked towards the front, Erin studied the back of Greg’s head. She knew him so well it was almost impossible to know whether the feelings she had for him were love, or friendship and familiarity, but she could tell from his stance just how nervous he was. Did he think she might not turn up, that she might change her mind at the last minute? She hoped he didn’t know how close she had come.
As she made her way down the aisle towards him she felt as though her heart was going to hammer out of her chest. As she reached the front and Greg turned to face her, she almost gasped to see the look of pure adoration in his eyes. He loved her so much. She’d always known that. And she loved him.
They were doing this.
As they said their vows, and promised to love each for the rest of their lives, Erin smiled, all the while keeping one eye out for Adam, for someone, to interrupt.
But no-one came.
They were husband and wife.
Later, after the meal and after the speeches, and after all the photos and the glass chinking and the toasting, it was time for their first dance. Greg took Erin’s hand as ‘Chasing Cars’ by Snow Patrol began, and they swayed together gently on the dancefloor, Erin resting her head on her husband’s shoulder, her eyes closed, trying not to think about another time, another place, another man… dancing like this, so close, to another song. Instead she focused on the here and now: on this time, this place. This man.
Their song.
And the man she loved. This was all that mattered.