Buzzcocks: ‘Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve?)’
‘I still can’t believe you let Adam come to your flat,’ Rose said from behind the driver’s seat. I peered in the rear-view mirror and saw her face pulled into a pout.
‘You’re just pissed off because you missed all the drama,’ Sam replied, reaching behind from the passenger seat and poking her in the ribs. She squealed and moved away.
‘Oi Samuel, can you stop that?’
‘Stop what?’ He smiled at me innocently.
‘Stop poking Rose and stop saying there was drama.’ I glanced at him quickly before looking back at the road. ‘You know perfectly well that nothing happened.’
‘Only because I came back in time.’
‘Oh for God’s sake you two, stop bickering.’ Rose poked her face through the gap between the seats. ‘Anyway, forget the fact you both went behind my back’ – Sam rolled his eyes – ‘and tell me. Are you sure your mum won’t mind us coming with you today?’
I shook my head. ‘Honestly, she’ll be thrilled to see you. I’ve checked it with Suzy and she says it’s fine too.’ I glanced round again. ‘But don’t be insulted if Mum doesn’t recognise you. She doesn’t know who I am half the time.’
‘Don’t worry, there’s no way she can forget me,’ Sam said, popping a handful of Minstrels into his mouth with a grin.
‘Fool,’ Rose said, swiping at his head. He ducked out of the way just in time.
‘Honestly you two, it’s worse than having a couple of kids in the car.’
‘Sorry Mum.’
The truth was, I was glad these two were with me today. I felt nervous about seeing Mum, and I wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was a sense of foreboding. Her words from my last visit – never settle for second best; always follow your heart – seemed to be stuck in my brain on a loop, and I suppose I hoped that speaking to her again, finding out a bit more about her and Johnny, might give me some more clarity about my situation. It certainly couldn’t do any harm.
The light was fading now and the roads were narrowing to lanes so I kept my eyes trained ahead of me, my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. We stayed silent for the rest of the drive until we finally pulled up in the car park. The darkness was drawing itself across the sky like a veil, and when I climbed out of the car, the cold hit me in the face like a wet flannel. It was a still evening, and beyond the home, the gardens stretched out into the blackness. I tightened my scarf, and beside me, Rose linked her arm through mine. ‘Ready?’
‘I guess so.’
We headed into the home, where Suzy was waiting to greet us the second the door opened, as promised. It was warm in here, the ancient radiators pumping out a dry heat so that I had to peel off layers the moment we stepped inside.
‘Suzy, you remember Sam and Rose don’t you?’ I said.
‘Yes, but it’s been a while,’ she replied, shaking their hands. ‘Hello again.’
‘How is she?’ I said, shoving my hat and scarf into my bag.
Suzy’s lips tightened. ‘She’s… okay.’ My stomach dropped. Suzy was an eternal optimist, and always thought Mum was on great form even when she seemed utterly lost to me. In Suzy’s world, okay was not good. She must have seen the worry on my face, because she hurried to reassure me before I could say anything else. ‘Don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong. She just seems a little – I don’t know. Melancholy.’ She glanced at Rose and Sam and back to me. ‘She’s been a little tetchy since you were last here actually. I don’t know what you said to her.’ She smiled to show she wasn’t telling me off, but guilt pierced me. I’d never meant to upset Mum by playing her the mixtape. I was beginning to doubt the wisdom of what I was doing here.
‘Are you sure she’ll be okay to see us all today?’ I asked.
Suzy hesitated, then nodded. ‘Yes, I think it will cheer her up.’
‘Thanks Suzy.’
‘Do you want me to go and check on her first?’
‘No, I think we’ll be fine, thank you.’
‘Great, see you later then.’
The three of us made our way to Mum’s room and when we got there I paused with my hand resting against the door. ‘Just let me see how she is,’ I whispered, and Rose and Sam both nodded. I pushed the door open and peered round the door. ‘Hello?’
No reply. I stepped inside, but couldn’t see Mum anywhere. ‘Penny?’ I said, panic rising in my voice. Had she gone wandering again? ‘Where are you?’
‘Hello?’ Her voice was muffled and I couldn’t work out where it was coming from. Then I spotted her, on her hands and knees in front of the chest of drawers, her arm stuck into the bottom drawer. I hurried over.
‘What are you doing down there?’
She looked up at me, confusion clouding her face. ‘I…’ She stopped, a tear streaking its way down her face. ‘I don’t know.’
I helped her up, closed the drawer and walked her over to her chair. She was unsteady on her feet and it struck me again how frail she’d become. She was only fifty-seven, but this disease had ravaged her physically as well as mentally. My heart broke a little bit more.
Once she was sitting down, I crouched in front of her and took her hands in mine. ‘Penny, I’ve brought some friends to see you today. Can they come in?’
She looked at me searchingly and I could tell she was trying to work out who I was talking about. Her gaze wandered over to the door and I looked round to see Sam’s face poking into the room. ‘Oh, it’s you,’ she said, and a sudden smile lit up her face, transforming her. I beckoned them both in and they leaned down and pecked Mum on the cheek in turn then sat on the bed beside her. I sat in the other armchair.
‘Hello Penny,’ Sam said.
‘Hello Sam, hello Rose, haven’t you grown,’ she replied, and my heart swelled with happiness that she remembered who they are, even if it was only momentarily. These were people she’d known since they were young teens, and if that was how she remembered them, that was fine. At least they were there, somewhere, in the mist of her mind.
‘So, how are you today Mum?’ I said, hoping it was now safe to call her that without upsetting her. ‘Suzy says you’ve been a bit grumpy.’
‘Does she?’ Her face crumpled. ‘I don’t think I have.’ She looked round the room as though searching for something. ‘Is Adam coming?’
‘No,’ I said gently, throwing Rose and Sam a look. ‘Not today.’ I swallowed to clear my throat.
‘Oh that’s a shame. I do like him.’ She turned to my friends, who were watching our exchange with interest. ‘He’s a lovely boy isn’t he, that Adam? Loves the bones off my Erin he does.’
Rose looked horrified, but Sam just leant forward and said, gently, ‘Yes, he does Penny. You’re absolutely right.’
Silence descended again. I watched Mum’s gaze roam round the room, and wondered what was going on in that muddled mind of hers. I was also trying to work out how to broach the subject of Johnny. If the music I’d played her from the mixtape had upset her so much the other day, I wasn’t sure whether I should risk playing it again. Far from helping her, as playing music was intended to do, it seemed to have left her feeling more confused than ever.
‘Have you brought some more music for me today?’ Mum said suddenly, as if reading my thoughts.
‘Oh…’ I started.
‘We have,’ Sam said, smoothly.
‘Oh good,’ Mum said, her eyes lighting up again. She turned to Sam. ‘Johnny made me a tape you know.’
‘I know.’
‘Do you?’ She smiled at him. ‘So are we going to listen to it again?’
Sam didn’t look at me, but kept his eyes trained on Mum. ‘Would you like to?’
‘Yes, I think I would,’ she said.
Sam turned to me. ‘Do you think we could, Erin?’ he said, and I was suddenly so grateful for his presence. I always found my anxiety levels soaring whenever I came to see Mum – on the approach because I was worried how she was going to be when I got here, and while I was actually here because I was panicking about doing something to upset her. I’d spent so much time with dementia patients you’d think I’d be used to it, but somehow, when it was my own mum, it felt as if there was so much more at stake.
‘Go on then, let’s try one song,’ I agreed, bending down to find the tape and cassette player in my bag. I set it up and looked at the three expectant faces watching me. ‘Ready?’ All three heads nodded, so I took a deep breath and pressed play.
As the opening guitar riff of ‘Ever Fallen in Love’ by Buzzcocks began, I saw Mum’s face relax, just like it had last time, and she smiled. It was clear she was gone again, miles away, lost years in the past. I flicked a glance at Sam and Rose as I waited to see whether she’d say anything about Johnny again, although I had no idea what to expect this time.
It didn’t take long.
‘Oh, this takes me back,’ she said, fixing her gaze on a spot on the floor in front of her. ‘It was playing on our first date.’ She stopped again, and I held my breath, hoping she was going to tell us more. ‘We went to Brighton, you know, me and Johnny, to the pier. It was blowing a gale, and he was late. I almost went home, I was so cold. But then there he was, bold as brass, marching up to me.’ She clasped her hands together. ‘He was so handsome. I’d never been on a date with anyone before, never thought Johnny would want me. But he did, and now here he was and he grabbed my hand and pulled me along the pier behind him, towards the arcade. That’s where this was playing, this song. And that’s why he put it on the tape for me, you know. It was one of our songs.’ She smiled again. I thought she’d finished, but then she started speaking again, quieter this time. ‘It was so loud in there, I could barely hear my own voice, but it was the best afternoon of my life. Johnny stood behind me as we slotted pennies into the machine, and I thought I was going to die from happiness. Then he kissed me, for the very first time, in front of all those people, by the slot machines, and the whole world disappeared.’ She stopped suddenly, then turned her gaze to me, her eyes blazing. ‘I was in love. I’d never loved anyone like that before. And I never have since.’
Shaking, I reached over and switched the music off and the sudden silence made the air hum. For a few seconds none of us said a word. Rose and Sam were watching me; I was watching Mum.
‘Oh!’ Mum sounded dismayed. ‘Can’t we have any more?’
‘In a bit,’ I said. I felt rattled by what Mum had said, by the lingering feeling it had left in me. I just didn’t know whether I was more bothered about Mum and Dad not being everything I’d always thought they were, or whether it was touching a nerve about my own situation.
‘So, tell me about this mixtape,’ I said now, resting my chin on my fist. The direct approach didn’t always work with Mum, but I was hoping that, having listened to one of the songs from the tape already, her mind might be more open to talking about the past.
A slow smile spread across her face, and she stared into space, before starting to talk.
‘Johnny made it for me. He was so lovely.’ She stopped, and I let her mind wander for a moment without interruption. ‘He loved me, you know. We were going to get married.’ She dropped her gaze to the carpet and fell into silence again.
‘So, when did he make this tape for you?’ Rose prompted, and I smiled at her, grateful for her help.
Mum looked up at her, her eyes blank, unseeing. ‘Just before I had to leave him.’ Her face dropped and for a moment I thought she was going to cry, but then she took a deep breath and carried on.
‘I loved him, but my father, he didn’t think he was good enough for me.’ She stopped, cleared her throat, anger making her voice louder. ‘He said he wanted me to find someone better, someone who would give me a good life. Someone like Michael. And Michael was lovely, he really was but Johnny was – he was the best man I’d ever known. We were going to run away.’ Her voice dropped to a whisper and we all leaned in to hear. ‘It was all planned out. He’d made me this tape, and we were going to run away in his car, and go to Gretna Green. But then that night my father caught us as I was sneaking out, and he told me I had a choice. If I went I could never go home again. If I stayed and forgot about Johnny, he wouldn’t disown me.’ A tear rolled down her face, but I left it, unwilling to interrupt her train of thought now for fear I’d never get it to return to this moment in time again. I needed to know the truth.
‘So what did you do?’ My voice was a whisper too.
‘What could I do? I was young. I had nothing. And even though Johnny had promised me the earth and I believed he’d do everything he could to give it to me, right then he had nothing either. So I stayed and married Michael, a lovely man with prospects just like my father wanted.’ The tears were rolling down her face now. ‘But Johnny was still the person I dreamed about at night. And oh—’ She stopped now with a cry. ‘Michael was a good man. He was my friend, and he loved me. I loved him too. But there was one thing Michael wasn’t.’ She looked me dead in the eyes. ‘He wasn’t Johnny.’
The room was utterly silent as Mum’s words settled.
My mind whirred with so many thoughts. Greg wanting to renew our wedding vows and trying so hard to make amends. Adam’s outbursts, his unpredictability and the way he made me feel. Mum’s regrets for the love she’d lost.
And Dad, my lovely, kind dad. How much had he known about this Johnny? Had he ever known he’d been Mum’s second choice and if he had, how much did it bother him?
I let out a long breath and sat back in my chair, suddenly exhausted by it all. I watched as Sam reached out to Mum and took her hand, and Mum turned to him with a smile. ‘Hello, who are you?’ she said, amiably.
‘I’m Sam,’ he replied patiently. ‘Erin’s friend.’
‘Are you her boyfriend?’ Mum had always known Sam was gay but, not wanting to contradict her, he just shook his head.
‘No, just her friend.’
‘Oh good. I’m glad she has some lovely new friends.’
I caught Rose watching me from the corner of my eye. Her face was filled with sadness and I forced a smile.
‘Okay?’ she whispered and all I could do was nod.
It wasn’t until we were almost home that I felt ready to address what had just happened.
‘What the hell am I going to do?’ I said as we drove long frosty roads, the moon almost full and bright above us, lighting the way. I was glad we were in the car so I didn’t have to look my two best friends in the face and see the worry and confusion I knew was in their eyes.
‘What does your heart say?’ Rose said.
‘Oh heart schmeart,’ Sam said. ‘We all know if Erin followed her heart she’d never have married Greg in the first place, and would have run off to find Adam wherever he was in the world instead.’
‘We don’t know that!’ Rose cried.
‘To be fair, he’s probably right,’ I admitted, and it was the first time I’d said it out loud. Even saying the words felt like stabbing Greg in the back, but if I couldn’t admit the truth to these two, who could I admit it to?
‘See,’ Sam said triumphantly, smacking the dashboard with his palm. ‘Samuel Evans is always right about matters of the heart.’
Rose and I burst out laughing at the same time and Sam looked at us indignantly. ‘Oi, it’s not that funny,’ he said, sticking out his bottom lip.
‘Oh Sam,’ I said, reaching across the gearstick and patting his leg affectionately. ‘We all know perfectly well that not only is that statement not true, but that actually it’s pretty ridiculous. But we love you anyway.’
‘Charming.’ He folded his arms across his chest but I could tell he was only pretending to sulk.
‘Anyway, that doesn’t help me.’ We were only a few minutes from home and I had no idea how to process everything I was feeling, or how I was going to face Greg. Or my father, come to think of it.
‘I think you need to write a list,’ Rose said.
‘You’re such a teacher,’ Sam said, rolling his eyes.
‘I am a teacher,’ Rose countered.
‘Carry on,’ I said, trying to placate Rose. ‘What should this list say?’
She shot Sam another glance and looked back at me. ‘You need to write down all the reasons for staying with Greg – you know, that you love him, he loves you. He’s kind, you have a mortgage together, he’s trying so hard to make everything right again. Anything you can think of. Then you need to do the same for all the reasons for not staying with him. The fact you don’t love him as much as you feel you should, that you can’t stop thinking about Adam, that Greg’s lost loads of your money. Then you need to weigh everything up.’ She stopped and held her finger up. ‘But, you should make it about you and Greg first, and forget Adam in all of this. Because you need to take it one step at a time. Make sense?’
I heard Sam snort beside me and I smacked his thigh. ‘It does Rose, yes. And you’re right. Whether I can trust Greg and want to stay with him has to be separate from anything I might feel for Adam.’
‘Except it isn’t.’
‘Sam, that’s not helpful,’ Rose said.
‘It’s true though, isn’t it? I mean, before Adam came along again you were more than ready to forgive and forget Greg’s gambling. But now you don’t know whether you can, or even want to, and that’s no coincidence.’ He stopped and looked at me, eyebrows raised in challenge. ‘I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m just saying that the two things are connected. So I think you need to consider that as well. And remember what your mum said, about not having any regrets. She obviously does, but it’s too late for her. It’s not too late for you.’
‘You’re right.’ My hands were gripping the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles had turned white. I tried to take a deep breath and relax, but it didn’t work. I was too tightly wound. ‘This is all connected.’ I sighed. ‘You know what I need to do before I make any decisions though, don’t you?’
‘What?’
‘Talk to my dad.’
‘That wasn’t what I expected you to say.’
‘I know. But I have to, don’t you see? I need to find out whether he always knew that Mum settled for what she saw as her second choice when she married him, and if he did, whether he minded. Whether now, looking back, he thinks she should have made a different choice.’
‘He’s never going to say he thinks that, surely? He adores your mum.’
‘I know he does. But it was all a long time ago, and he might see things differently now to how he saw them back then.’ I shrugged. ‘It might just help me work things out.’