Joy Division: ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’
The phone call came as I was walking back from work. I answered it with trepidation, but when I hung up I felt an unexpected sense of relief. Then I made another phone call of my own.
‘Erin?’
‘Adam.’
‘Everything okay? I wasn’t sure I’d hear from you after what happened.’
‘It’s fine.’ I cleared my throat, keen not to talk about it. ‘I’ve found a flat for you to look round.’
‘You have? Where?’
‘In town, above the shoe shop.’
‘That’s great. When can I see it?’
‘Now, if you like. About half an hour?’
‘I’ll see you there.’
‘Adam?’
‘Yes?’
‘There’s something else.’
‘Go on.’ I could hear the hesitation in his voice and a part of me felt pleased that the uncertainty was on his side these days. Rose and Sam had been right when they’d reminded me that Adam hadn’t always been good to me. I’d spent a lot of the time we’d been together feeling insecure and worried that he’d leave me at any moment. It felt good to finally have the upper hand, however awful that sounded.
‘I might have found you a job as well.’
Adam had made it clear he didn’t want his parents’ assistance any more if he could help it but, having never held down what he called a grown-up job, he wasn’t sure what he’d be qualified to do.
‘What is it?’
‘Teaching kids guitar. At the local music group.’ I swallowed. ‘It would only be a few hours a week to start with but they said they’re always desperate for people and there could be the chance to do more hours during the holidays. I said you’d pop in and see them. I thought it would give you the chance to get some separation from your parents and start again.’
‘That’s amazing, thank you Erin.’ He paused. ‘I don’t know what to say. I thought you’d want nothing more to do with me after the stunt I pulled last time. I am sorry.’
‘It’s okay Adam. Honestly. Just meet me in half an hour.’
I ended the call and took a deep breath. Adam had asked me to help him and I’d agreed. I didn’t know where this was going to lead, but increasingly I was beginning to feel that maybe this would be the end of it. That maybe, once he had his new job and his new flat and a slice of independence for himself, that he’d realise he didn’t need me after all.
I couldn’t work out how I felt about that. A few weeks ago I would have felt bereft. Now, I wasn’t so sure. The truth was, since the kiss, something had shifted in me. It no longer felt as though Adam and I had found each other, as though we were meant to be. Rather it felt, somehow, as though I’d lost everything. I was at sea, stranded. Adrift.
I didn’t feel like going home and explaining to Greg why I was going out again. In fact, I felt less and less like going home every day, the atmosphere between us so thick it was like wading through treacle. Things had never been this bad between us, and I was scared we’d never get back to how we were.
Or if I even wanted to.
I began walking towards town to meet Adam. I bought a coffee on the way and by the time I got there the letting agent was already waiting outside. My head hurt and my stomach felt tight as we waited for Adam to arrive. But when he finally turned the corner and walked towards me I realised the tension that had been there since I’d first seen him four weeks before, that had reached breaking point two days ago in my office, had dissipated. I felt my shoulders relax and took a deep breath.
The flat was nicer than I’d expected, newly renovated and available immediately.
‘I’ll take it,’ Adam said, as we left a few minutes later.
‘Don’t you need to think about it?’ I said.
He shook his head. ‘Dad’s so desperate to see the back of me he’d pay for this flat forever if I asked him.’ It was meant as a joke but I could hear the sadness in his voice. But alongside the sympathy I felt for him lay a little nugget of something else. Irritation? Annoyance? Adam had never needed to consider how he was going to pay for something – everything had always just come to him. Private school, somewhere to live, cash to spend. He had never had a worry about money or that sense of pride in something he’d been able to buy for himself through sheer hard work. He’d never understand how devastated I felt about Greg losing our car, and almost losing the house we’d both worked so bloody hard for. Adam’s upbringing had made him, to be honest, selfish, in more ways than one, whether he meant to be or not.
‘Fine, if it works for you, go for it,’ I said, keeping my voice cool, detached.
‘That’s great. I’ll get the contracts drawn up for you, and once you’ve paid a month’s deposit and the first month of rent you can move in,’ the letting agent jumped in, determined to close this easy deal.
As we left, Adam grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. He stood inches from me and I felt my breathing quicken at his proximity, despite everything. ‘I – I wanted to thank you. For everything you’ve done for me,’ he said.
‘I would have done it for anyone.’
His shoulders slumped. ‘Well, anyway, I appreciate it. Really. I don’t know how I would have got through these last few weeks, without you. I just hope I haven’t fucked things up. For you and Greg.’
I shook my head. ‘You haven’t fucked things up, Adam. I’ve made a perfectly good job of doing that by myself.’
He slid his hand down to take mine then, and I found myself wanting to pull it away, to put some distance between us. It was impossible to think clearly when he was there, right in front of me.
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
I shook my head and took a step away. ‘It’s not your fault. It’s nothing to do with you.’
‘Oh. Well, that’s good then.’
I hitched my bag up onto my shoulder. ‘I need to go home now. Let me know if you need any help moving in.’
‘I…’ he started, then stopped, his face dropping. ‘Thank you Erin. For everything.’
‘You’re welcome.’
And then I walked away from him, my heart hammering but my head held high.