Compassion Training
Throughout The Compassionate Connection, I have written about how to be mindful in interactions with the people you want to help. On several occasions, I have recommended mindfulness mediations. This is different from simply being “mindful” and aware of what you’re doing. Structured exercises such as these ask you to set aside five or ten minutes several times a week to draw on your inner resources for strength and compassion. They can exponentially enhance your ability to connect in a positive way.
Until I started to practice mindfulness meditation, I was unable to fully get my mind out of my own clutter—my biases, my busyness, my distractions. But the repeated act of pausing and focusing the mind that occurs during mindfulness meditation allowed my mirror neurons to be more sensitive to others’ feelings. I had never experienced this prior to having a centering practice.
“Practice” is the operant word here. We build biceps at the gym with more curls . . . but we can also build conscious insight—that wonderful moment when two well-established synapses start to cross-communicate in our brain—with mindful compassion training.
In the Dhammapda, the sayings of the Buddha, it has been written:
“The thought manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character;
So watch the thought and its way with care,
And let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings. . . .”
• • •
Some practical hints before you begin: Read through the meditation. It’s difficult to meditate and read at the same time, so your next step will be to record it, imagining that you’re speaking to yourself—because, in fact you will be. Read slowly, stopping between sentences, allowing each word to sink in. I have indicated some natural pauses where you may want to allow a few minutes of silence to go by. Once you’ve created the recordings, find a comfortable place (either seated or reclining), make sure you won’t be interrupted, and close your eyes.
Focus on your breathing. Place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen. When you take a deep breath, the hand on your abdomen should expand more than the one on the chest. This ensures that your diaphragm is expanding, pulling air into the base of your lungs. Take a slow deep breath in through your nose, imagining that you are sucking in all the air in the room, and hold it for a count of three or four. Slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of six to eight. The exhalation should be twice as long as the inhalation. Repeat the cycle four more times for a total of five deep breaths. Try to reduce your breathing to six breaths per minute (one breath every ten seconds). This is the optimal rate to stimulate relaxation of the autonomic nervous system.
THE LOVING-KINDNESS MINDFULNESS MEDITATION
The loving-kindness meditation comes from Buddhist philosophy. This twenty-five-hundred-year-old practice creates and reinforces the consciousness that a web of interconnectedness exists among all people. The bond to everyone in the world is also spiritual and emotional. Rachel Naomi Remen has written, “When we know ourselves to be connected to all others, acting compassionately is simply the natural thing to do.” The realization that you are part of an interconnected universe helps you understand that if you are not well, I am not well; and if I am not well, you are not well. The loving-kindness meditation can be used to reinforce unconditional love and open the heart toward others and oneself. It is another way in which people can grow and find joy when they step into a caregiving role.
The UCLA Mindfulness Awareness Research Center (MARC) has a free version of the loving-kindness meditation that can be listened to online: http://marc.ucla.edu/mpeg/05_Loving_Kindness_Meditation.mp3. The University of Wisconsin also has a number of guided meditations on their website that can be logged into and followed: http://www.fammed.wisc.edu/our-department/media/968/guided-loving-kindness. Readers who wish to create their own practice can just follow the directions below. They are adapted from the University of Wisconsin model.
Before beginning, please follow the breathing and recording suggestions made above.
The Loving-Kindness Mindfulness Meditation
[BEGIN AUDIOTAPING HERE.]
The loving-kindness meditation evokes compassion, kindness, and acceptance toward ourselves and others. It will reconnect you to the heart of tenderness inside you. It’s like meeting a wise being who understands your life and holds it dear. Even in the greatest of suffering, it is possible for the heart to hold it all.
Release any tightness in your body—your belly, arms, shoulders, face, jaw.
Now sense the part of your body in which you feel compassion, kindness, and caring—it could be the area around your heart. Allow that area to soften with each breath. Notice any thoughts that may arise as you hold this area in your awareness.
Ask yourself: What do I wish for most in my life? Which phrases . . .
• May I be safe and protected.
• May I be peaceful and at ease.
• May I feel joy.
• May I be well and strong.
• May I be free of fear and anxiety.
• May I be filled with loving kindness.
• May I accept myself as I am.
Now imagine someone you know who is easy to love and care about. It could be your partner, a child, a relative, a friend, or even a pet. This is a being who evokes feelings of easy warmth and friendliness. Direct your loving-kindness thoughts there:
• May you be safe and protected.
• May you be peaceful and at ease.
• May you feel joy.
• May you be well and strong.
• May you be free of fear and anxiety.
• May you be filled with loving kindness.
Now think of a person you feel neutral about—a teller at the bank, your letter carrier, a stranger on the street. Direct the loving kindness toward him or her:
• May you be well.
• May you be peaceful and at ease.
• May you be happy.
• May you be filled with loving kindness.
Next, direct your thoughts toward people who may be causing you discomfort or negative emotions and repeat the loving-kindness meditation. Imagine that they are changed by these thoughts:
• May you be well.
• May you be peaceful and at ease.
• May you be happy.
• May you be filled with loving kindness.
Allow your feelings of loving kindness to grow in all directions, touching people you know and even those you don’t. Send your loving-kindness thoughts to all humanity:
• May you be well.
• May you be peaceful and at ease.
• May you be happy.
• May you be filled with loving kindness.
Finish this meditation with five deep abdominal breaths.