Her

Sometime in the Past

HAVE YOU EVER opened your eyes in the night and stared upward into the black? Have you ever crossed your arms over your chest, pretending your bed pillow to be the last you lay your head on as you are laid to rest in your coffin? Have you wondered, as you stare into the dark abyss, what it will be like when your casket is lowered into your grave and the first thuds of dirt land atop you, sealing your fate?

I have. It will be where I am sooner rather than later. This nighttime darkness will be my forever vision. Eventually I will smell only the musk of the earth, the decay of my flesh, the lingering of my perfume on the buttons of my dress. I will hear nothing, for there will be nothing to hear. I will be alone with voices only in my head, memories replaying in circular fashion, over and over again.

But I will not beat on the roof of my coffin, nor will I gasp for air. I will not be buried alive, for I am dying. Even now. In death, someone else will make certain my arms cross over my breast. Someone else will place a bouquet of roses or wildflowers in my grasp to mask the scent of death. There will be dried petals, spiced candles, and a filmy gauze of white decorating me in my eternal sleep. At least that is my hope.

They say that your soul leaves your body when you die. That you float toward heaven and God’s outstretched palm. Or you plummet below into an eternal flame of torment and mockery for your sins. But does your soul leave you so quickly, and do you hear those grieving around you? Do you hover over them, observant and thoughtful? Do you hear the words they speak of you after you are no longer there as a witness?

“She was a lovely person.”

“Not to speak ill of the dead, but . . .”

“God rest her soul.”

“Oh, her poor family . . .”

Or do you merely sleep in your tomb until soon the voices fade, the earth suffocates, and all is as it should be? Still. Alone. Silent.

Have you ever opened your eyes in the middle of the night and sensed that soon this world would not be powerful enough to hold your soul?

Have you ever wondered what happens to you after you die?