Preston
I knew Kyle was anxious to ask me what I thought about the training session, but before I let him talk, I needed to get something off my chest. "I think I need to come out."
"What are you talking about? You're out," Kyle said as he pulled out of the lot.
"I'm not. Think about it. I've never been to a gay establishment outside of this class. I didn't even know this class was full of gay guys until Dexter told me. I have like no gaydar. I've never told my family. I don't know what acceptable gay behavior is and what isn't acceptable outside of what I've seen on TV. When I got kissed goodbye tonight I was put off. I didn't understand that it's common. The truth is, you're the only 'sexual' experience I've ever had. I absolutely don't want to change that, but I don't know very much about what it means to be gay besides what I do every day with you."
Kyle took a moment to help me understand something that had never occurred to me. "The truth is," he said, "'how to be gay' is a highly personal thing. The patterns of behavior that you and I develop are ours. Nobody else has to live by our rules and we don't have to live by theirs. I understand that knowing certain social norms would be helpful to you, but never feel you have to do anything you see others doing if it doesn't seem natural to you. For instance, if the guys in the class kiss you hello and goodbye, but you'd rather they not, you can avoid that. Nobody will really care. Got it?"
Kyle always seemed to know what to say to put me at ease. "Yeah, that does kinda simplify things."
"Not to change the subject," he said, "but how do you think your parents would take it?"
"I don't know. I've avoided telling them, but I think it's time."
"Well, don't rush into it. Give it some thought and plan this out. This is an important moment in your life and you don't want to make it more than it is, but you don't want to treat it like it doesn't matter either. It always matters, so take your time and plan this out. When you tell your parents, you need to be confident that you're not going to get all defensive, and no matter what you hear, you're not going to get too hurt."
After hearing his advice, I thought that planning was something I'd have done anyway. Being confident about my reaction might be something else entirely.
Kyle seemed to realize he'd stressed being prepared for the worst and expounded on the possibilities. "Some parents are great about it and some parents are horrible. Even the parents that take it hard usually come around after they've gotten used to the idea. Remember, it took you a long time to accept yourself. If they don't already know, it's likely going to take a while for them, too. You're going to remember their reaction the rest of your life. Whatever happens will always be with you. If things happen you don't expect, they can make you stronger or they can hurt. Planning for both reactions is important."
"Did you plan? Were your parents okay with it?"
"My parents were great. Mom said she'd always known. She'd shared her suspicions with my dad who wasn't willing to accept it then, but by the time I told them, he was ready to hear it and told me he loved me. The way I felt about them changed. Be prepared for that. One way or the other it changes things. You either love them more because you're no longer afraid or you resent them for not approving of who you are."
We sat quietly for the rest of the trip home. I thought about how I'd present this to my parents. I knew they loved me, but somewhere deep down I thought they loved who they thought I was. Of all people, they deserved to know. I had no reason to think they'd freak out. They weren't all religious and straight-laced. Maybe I had nothing to be afraid of, but I was.
At the same time, I wondered if I should tell Kyle about my conversation with Dexter in the shower. The more I thought about it, the more the conversation seemed like nothing more than locker room talk. The only real issue was the way I'd responded to what I'd seen and what I felt as a result.
I decided that maybe that wasn't for sharing so I filed it under 'things I don't know enough about' and tried to think of something to talk about before the silence got deafening. "So Dexter's boyfriend is the same guy who's teaching the class?"
"Yes," he said, drawing it out like he knew there was more.
"And he's your old boyfriend?"
"Well, yes, the guy I told you about. I'm not sure I'd call him a boyfriend. We didn't, you know, commit to one another or anything. He's just the guy who showed me the ropes. It didn't go anywhere else, but he's an important friend."
As we pulled into the driveway, I felt like we were returning to our house for the first time. I was no longer just a visitor. My new reality was still taking form. I'd been a gay virgin who was afraid to come out, and less than a month later, I was walking up the steps of my new home with a man who owned me and had decided to keep me.
Kyle broke the silence with his personal theory of why his experience as a sub was a good thing for me. "You may not realize it, but subbing for Leonard helped me learn what a good sub experiences and why it's so important. Over time, I learned a lot from him about using my voice and my attitudes to keep a good sub in line. You told me about talking with guys on the internet who said they were Doms but turned out to be assholes. Those guys are usually novices who have no idea what they're doing."
I wanted to resist hearing any more about Kyle being a boy to Leonard, but after his explanation I knew why he was so good at pushing my buttons..
Having heard everything I wanted to hear, I changed the subject. "You know, all that exercise leaves you feeling kind of tired."
Pushing me lightly inside the front door, Kyle reached up and grabbed the hair at the back of my head. "You're not too tired," he demanded. Pushing me ahead of him, he steered me into the hall and down toward the bedroom.
"Never too tired," I replied even as he reached around and began to pull my belt loose from the buckle. Pulling my now loosened pants to my knees he leaned me over the bed. My feet were bound with the pants that were held in place by my shoes. I heard him wresting with the foil wrapper and spitting into his palm. A second later he was running his fingers along my opening just long enough to moisten and penetrate. Then he was in; gently sliding his full length, he continued his forward motion, pushing me onto the bed. Taking both of my hands and planting his chest on my back, he pinned my arms down. I could feel the fur on his chest running back and forth with each thrust.
The feeling that I was being taken, whether I liked it or not, filled me up and left me with that sensation I'd come to crave. Knowing I had no decisions to make, that someone else was taking care of everything, brought me an inner peace. Nothing else bothered me except for one thing. I'd been trying not to think about it, but the image of Dexter thrusting that magnificent appendage of his deep inside me filled my mind again and again. I could see it like I was disembodied and watching. When the image cleared, I could feel Kyle behind me pushing me into a small pool of my own making.
A few minutes later, we were raiding the refrigerator while I tried to forget about my momentary fantasy, but I felt guilty for having those thoughts. It was as though I now had a dirty little secret.
That night I had a hard time sleeping, but I'd decided. I was going to talk to Kyle about my reaction to Dexter. I didn't see the point of having a secret, not from Kyle.
As Kyle came out of the shower the next morning, I approached him. Looking down a bit, I summoned the courage and said, "Kyle, I have something I want to tell you."
Drying himself off, he came to me and lifted my chin towards him. Forcing eye contact he said, "Sounds serious. Is this about the coming out we talked about?"
"No. It's just that… well, last night in the shower… I saw Dexter naked… and well… the thing is he started to tease me about… my ass and… it aroused me. I just never thought of him that way. Then, there he was right in front of me with no glasses and no baggy clothes, with a body that totally rocks." Looking down at the floor once again, I finished telling him, "I didn't want it to affect me, but it did. I started thinking about him that way, wondering what it would be like with him."
"Preston, being with me isn't going to keep other men from being attractive to you or attracted to you. You could love the hell out of me and still turn your head when a hot guy walks by. I know what it's like when a guy gets a lot better looking when he drops his pants. You'll know more about that when you boys shower with the rest of us. Seeing fifteen men standing in a shower naked might put things in better perspective for you."
"Oh, I hadn't thought about that." The image began to sink in. I'd be naked in that big warm wet room with fifteen other men. Those men are all fit and a lot of them were very handsome.
"Next time we go to class, you and Dexter wait until the rest of us have finished and are headed to the locker room."
"Why Dexter?"
"Because after that buildup you just gave me, I'm curious. I want to see what I'm up against. Come to think of it, you can talk to your friend Jake about coming in there, too."
"So, you want to check out all my friends' junk?"
"Sure, why not? It's not like I'm going to do anything about it. Look, I've been thinking. The night your friends come over for dinner, we should all go out. There's a little bar I used to go to. It's friendly, and you'll get some experience with what it's like to see lots of gay men in one place dancing and greeting and all the things that are new to you now.
"If you're going to feel like you've come out, you need to feel more confident. It's important that you see other people in the lifestyle. Keep in mind, lots of people aren't bar hoppers. I'm not, but I've been to bars and you should too. It's a late crowd, but by the time we finish a leisurely dinner and get cleaned up it should be hopping."
"That sounds exciting. Let's do it. It should be fun. I don't really even know what to expect. It'll feel different being somewhere we can just be ourselves."
"That's kind of the idea. I know just the place."
Our dinner party was not far away. For the next few days, during my spare time, I could think of nothing else. Luckily, I had some important exams coming up that didn't allow for much spare time.