One. Breathe. Two. Breathe. Three…
I grunted at my sexual frustration right along with the barbell as I shoved it toward the ceiling. Beads of sweat trickled down the sides of my face and dripped below where I couldn’t see.
“Bad form. Shouldn’t lift when you’re pissed.”
Matt’s voice.
I racked the barbell and sat up on the bench, grabbing a towel to wipe the sweat from my face. Matt was spent as well, looked like he’d just come from a practice. His baseball cap was on backward and the fabric of his Under Armour shirt clung tight to him. I sometimes forgot how big he actually was under his baseball uniform.
“I’m not pissed. Just trying to stay fit. That’s all.”
“Right. Right. Nothing to do with a certain employee.” He quirked up an eyebrow like it was more of a question.
“Haven’t even thought about her.” A lie. I never lied to him. Why did I lie? I had, in fact, talked to her, albeit through a text, so technically not a lie. But I had, in fact, thought about her nonstop since the exchange ended.
It was odd though, like it wasn’t her. She was flirting. Her awkwardness at trying to be sexy made it sexier somehow. She turned my brain into a network of exposed wires rubbing against one another. Thoughts tried to connect then would short, then would take another path, until my brain was consumed by nothing but her.
I wanted to take her, no matter where we were or who would see. Then I’d want to hear about her father—her problems. Then I’d want to kiss her. Then I’d want to hold her hand and take her to dinner. Then I’d want her to come on my fingers in the back of my car. Fucking fuck!
I glanced up at Matt as he cracked an invisible whip.
“Wah-peeshhhh.” His smile made it impossible to do anything but return it.
“You’re so full of shit.” I grinned.
His eyes widened with his smile. “Oh yeah, I’m the one who’s full of shit.” He glanced around my workout room on the bottom floor of my house. “What are you doing after this?”
“I don’t know. What’s up?”
“Nothing much. I need to run by Bed Bath & Beyond.”
I cocked my head sideways. “Huh?”
“Want to make sure I get first dibs on everything on your registry.” He appeared to try not to laugh. He failed.
I dropped my stare to the floor and shook my head. “Such an asshole.”
“You ask her out yet like I told you?”
“Nope. Can’t do it.”
“Well, she’s turning you into a miserable homebody. Just so you know.”
He was so full of shit. I still did all the same things I usually did. Sure, I hadn’t done them as much, but I still went out to dinners, the bar, played Xbox. “Is not.” It was the best I could come up with. Maybe, just maybe, he was right. But I didn’t like to be wrong, so I wasn’t about to admit it.
He laughed. I needed to change the subject. Fuck it. I grabbed for my phone and shot Jenny a text.
I need you for a client meeting. Tomorrow evening. Dinner. 7:30 p.m. Can you make it?
“I asked her out. Happy?” I glared. I was lying again.
“Just like that. In a text?” He sighed. “Laaaame.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say here.” I turned my gaze to the wall.
Jenny hadn’t returned my text and Matt’s face moved from joking to frustration to something else I couldn’t pinpoint. He was rarely serious unless he was on a ballfield, which was when most of the country saw him. I was fortunate enough to get the fun side of his personality. But he was morphing into Ballfield Matt right in front of me.
“What?” I turned to him and held both palms out, as if to say, What the fuck do you want from me?
“It’s not about the girl, man. I mean, I hate to see you pass up a shot at something great. But you’ve put these walls up everywhere. It blocks everyone.”
“So you’re a psychologist now?” I tried to bite back my words but it was too late. It was a habit. Anytime someone struck, I struck harder. Maybe he was right. Maybe I had walled myself off. Maybe Jenny was threatening to crash through them like the Kool-Aid Man, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Maybe I was afraid of what would happen. I was safe where I was.
Matt didn’t appear angry at my words. It was worse. He looked disappointed.
I took a step toward him. “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, okay? You know what happened.”
“Yeah, yeah, Ethan, I know all about your philosophies on business.” He did the air quotes when he said “philosophies” and rolled his eyes.
I hated when people did air quotes, but I let it slide because I’d just been a prick to my best friend for no reason.
“Your dad got involved with a woman at work. He married her. They had you. She left you both and his business was liquidated in the divorce. He never recovered. Yeah, I know the goddamn story, man.”
I looked down at my hands. They’d balled into tight fists. Veins and tendons popped from the surface. Lava coursed through my bloodstream. He said the sentences so casually and blasé. As if someone could just brush that shit off. Like I hadn’t lived every goddamn second of it and watched my father slowly erode at the hands of the woman I refused to acknowledge was my mother.
I didn’t want to lash out at my best friend. So I didn’t speak.
“I’m sorry, Ethan. But I had to say that. I know I’m not you. I didn’t live through all of that. I’m sure that’s what you’re thinking.” He took a step toward me. A big step because he was a big motherfucker. “Bro, if you listen to anything I’ve ever told you, it’s this—you’re not your dad. I’m not saying your dad sucked at business or whatever. I’m saying that I know you. You’re good at what you do. And dating a woman you work with isn’t going to change the fact that you’re good at what you do.”
I shook my head, my face tense. “I don’t like change. I’m safe where I am right now.”
“Safe is fucking boring, bro. When do you feel most alive? When you’re negotiating in a room and you don’t know what cards the other fucker is holding. And you take a calculated risk and nail him to the wall. But there is a risk. And that’s what makes it awesome.”
“You should be a motivational speaker. I’m going to get you a fucking publicist.”
He smiled but then his eyes narrowed again. “I’m serious. A lot of people actually have fun and get work done. I was out at Google for some corporate shit and they have these sleep pods where employees take a nap.”
I canted my head slightly. “Say what?” I drew out my syllables in a playful way.
“It’s true. And you’re my fucking agent, so I want one of them next to my locker when I sign the next contract. I need my rest.”
“Done.” We laughed and did the whole handshake-that-turns-into-a-half-hug thing. My phone buzzed on the weight bench where I’d set it down.
Jenny: Yes, I can be there.
“Date confirmed.” Why couldn’t I just tell my friend I didn’t have the balls to ask her out earlier? I had them now, but it was too late. I’d already set up this client meeting that didn’t exist. It would just have to be a surprise date.
Me: Great. It’s a classy place. You’ll want to dress up. I’ll get the rest of the details to you tomorrow at work, along with the valuation I need you to work up.
“Good for you. It’ll be okay, I promise. You’re allowed to like a girl.” He smacked me one more time on the shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
Anxiety ripped through my stomach.
Yeah, good for me.