Short, one-word replies, tension and silence that could be cut with a knife—I’d hurt him. It wasn’t intentional. I’d only ever told Dad and Kelsey those three words. Nobody else.
Why hadn’t I just said it?
I didn’t want to cheapen it. Ethan Mason warmed my heart when he walked into a room. When he wasn’t with me it felt like a part of me was missing, like I’d lost a limb. Somewhere in the back of my mind though were constant reminders of the airport, the hurt, the disappointment. Those moments would magnify every time I would melt for him, like my brain simply refused to allow me to give myself fully to him.
“Here we are.”
Ethan pulled up outside of Dad’s house. It was after nine, but Dad was a night owl so the light flickered in his window. Baseball game.
Kelsey’s Altima was still in the driveway so I knew they were up and would have a million questions for me. I’d called and told them I had to work late, which was true.
Ethan exited the car and opened my door for me as he always did. He did it so much, one day I sat in the car waiting for Kelsey to open the door for me.
Spoiled rotten. That’s all she’d said with a laugh, and then left me to open my own door.
He held my hand and walked me to the porch. He wasn’t rude or snarky or defensive—any of the usual things it seemed someone would be after one crushed their spirit.
At the door, he kissed me good night, but it was a passionless kiss. No spark, no electricity, no jolting me into his presence. Just a simple kiss, and then he turned and left. I wanted to curl up in my bed and die.
I took in a huge breath of the night air and turned the handle.
I traipsed through the dark living room and rounded the corner into the hallway. The West Coast announcers’ voices carried down the hall, and the glow from the television cast shadows on the hallway wall.
I leaned in and Kelsey was dozing in the chair, drooling on her shoulder. Dad’s eyes were glued to the television, watching the ball game.
His head cocked to the side, and he grinned. “Whipping your ass tonight.”
“In your dreams, old man.” I smiled and walked over.
On my way I ran a light finger up the back of Kelsey’s neck and her eyes bolted open, a shiver rippling up her body. She rubbed her eyes and stared up at me. “Asshole.”
I smirked.
“What’s up with you, J.J.?” Dad’s face tensed up. “What’d he do?”
“Huh? I’m fine. Nothing,” I answered far too quickly.
“Yeah, something isn’t right. Did you two have one of your fights with no makeup sex?”
I gasped at Kelsey and had to have been white as a sheet. “My dad is sitting right there. Are you kidding me?”
Dad scoffed. “She thinks I don’t know what girls do when they grow up.”
Dad and Kelsey grinned at each other.
“You two are embarrassing me. Can we please change the subject?”
Dad’s face steadied. He could say so much with just his expressions and his limited range of motion. I wished he wasn’t sick in that fucking bed and could get up and give me one of his bear hugs. I hadn’t had one in so long, and I would never get one again. That coupled with the “I love you” situation had a tear threatening to form in the corner of my eye.
Shit!
“What’s wrong?”
“Yeah, what is it?” Kelsey added.
“He told me he loved me earlier.”
Kelsey squeed and tried to catch it with a hand over her mouth. Dad’s face lit up and he smiled.
“That’s great!” He paused. “Wait, why do you look like someone just kicked you in the balls then?”
Kelsey snorted.
I tried to smile through all the emotions swirling throughout my chest.
“You didn’t say it back, did you?” Kelsey frowned.
I didn’t know how to respond. Their reactions took me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting them to think I automatically said it, and then for them to be apprehensive. I mean it was only a few months. I love you’s seemed like they should be reserved for years, not months.
Sure, we’d been through quite a bit in that short amount of time, but still. I didn’t even know the guy when the baseball season had started. I hadn’t yet run into the cocky self-centered bastard with a smirk and face that seemed purposely created for the front of a fashion magazine.
I shook my head at them.
“Oh, J.J.” Dad turned his head back to the television.
“What?”
What the hell was going on here? These two were supposed to be watching after my heart, and it seemed like they wanted me to put it willingly on a chopping block.
“Are you trying to tell me you don’t love that boy?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yeah, you do.” Kelsey stood in front of me. “We’ve both seen you with him. The way you talk about him.” She waggled a finger between her and Dad as she spoke, then walked over and put her hands on my shoulders. “It’s okay to be in love with him. And it’s okay to let yourself be happy.”
I pushed past her and sat down in the chair she’d just gotten up from. My heart knew they were right, I just had to get my brain on board. It wasn’t like I hadn’t already laid my heart out there for him again, so why was I so afraid to verbalize it? “I should’ve told him.”
“Yes,” Kelsey and Dad both said in unison, as if they’d finally made a breakthrough.
“Of course I love him. Why didn’t I tell him?”
Kelsey leaned down as if to give some kind of sage advice. “Because you were being a pussy.”
I snorted and Dad belted out a laugh. “Thank you.” I nodded sarcastically.
She shrugged and said, “It’s what pussies do. Act like pussies.” She struggled to hide her smile. “And you’re welcome.”
“God help me.” Dad looked up at the ceiling. “I took two innocent young girls and turned them into frat boys.”
“You love us, you old prick.” Kelsey turned to Dad.
His eyes fell back over to us. “You got that right.”
“So what do I do?” I chewed on a fingernail, and then twirled a lock of hair with the same finger. “If I tell him now, it just seems like I’m trying to humor him.”
“Personally, I think you should”—Kelsey moved her index finger into the circle on her other hand, and slid it in and out a few more times than she should have—“then tell him.”
“I can still see, for fuck’s sake.” Dad shook his head. “This is why I watch baseball.”
Kelsey continued without missing a beat. “Guys can’t have a serious conversation right after sex. He’ll forget all about tonight.”
“Still here. Right here.” Dad stared at the ball game and mumbled, “She’s probably right though. It’ll work.”
The Jackson-Martin comedy hour helped, but the worry remained lodged deep inside of my stomach and refused to leave. I needed to just be honest with him. Honest about the way I felt. Tell him I was just being cautious and scared. Yep, that’s what I would do.