part0020

S o far in this section we’ve talked about defusion: accepting unhelpful thoughts but reducing or eliminating their impact on us; followed by expansion: accepting uncomfortable feelings, letting them come and go, but not allowing them to influence us. The next step is engaging with experiences, tasks, and situations, despite unhelpful thoughts and uncomfortable feelings — staying present and engaging with life.

Engagement is the ability to be present instead of caught up in our thoughts and feelings. It is about being fully in the moment; open to, curious about, and actively involved in our here and now experience. Being able to be engaged and present is essential if we need to perform well in challenging situations or if we want to find satisfaction and fulfilment in whatever we are doing.

If we want to do anything well; perform confidently at an interview, talk to strangers, make a presentation, or learn a difficult skill, we need to be engaged in what is happening. Being anxious or having negative thoughts about doing something is normal and not the problem. The problem is being caught up and lost in these thoughts and being disengaged from our experience. The more we focus on the unhelpful thoughts and feelings, the more we disconnect from the present moment. If we are continually inside our head, we’re paralysed, unable to take action, or if we do take action, it’s in a distracted and less effective way.

This particularly tends to happen when we experience social anxiety. We get hooked on stories about the future, about how things might go wrong and how badly we’ll handle them. This stops us from doing things and makes us even more anxious in the long run, it’s a vicious circle. If a person feels lonely because they are anxious about socialising with others, they may often choose to stay at home instead of going out to meet with friends. This may relieve their anxiety, but just makes the situation worse over time — they become lonelier. To live life fully, we need to practise engaging with the present moment despite feeling anxious.

We don’t have to be connected to the present moment all the time. It’s fine to be lost in our thoughts sometimes. However, it is particularly useful to be present in a number of situations. This includes activities we find pleasant — that nourish us — it’s beneficial to be engaged in these activities and not lost in anxiety or worry. Likewise, there are activities, tasks, or situations that we may not find pleasant — talking to a group of people, attending a medical appointment, making a difficult phone call — but we need to engage with them to get what we want out of life, to protect ourselves, and to open doors to opportunities we might otherwise miss. Practising engagement allows us to be fully present when we need to.

Engagement, or fully paying attention to something, is also a clever way to silence negative thoughts as it deliberately overloads our attentional bandwidth. For example, when feeling anger, we can focus our attention on something in such a way that anger isn’t an option. Try ranting while also engrossed in a crossword puzzle, it’s impossible. You can also do the same with anxiety. The key is to pause, be aware of the stories going on inside your head, use defusion, allow any uncomfortable feelings to come and go in their own time, and then engage or focus fully on the task in hand .

Let’s go through some exercises that will allow us to practise engagement. Then, when we’re feeling anxious and need to engage with a task, activity, or situation, we will have the ability to focus our attention on our environment and the present moment. Increasing our ability to focus our attention is a skill that can be learned, and the more we practise, the easier we will find it. We can then transfer the engagement skills to situations that make us anxious.

In the ‘Calming the Mind ’ chapter we introduced an exercise that encouraged staying present when completing routine tasks (Calming the Mind Exercise 3 ), so this should have given you a taste of practising engaging with the present moment while doing a neutral task.

Pick a task or activity you feel neutral about (you find it neither pleasant nor unpleasant) and engage with it fully, focusing carefully on all the actions and physical sensations of the task. If your mind wanders, bring your attention back to the activity and be present with what you are doing.

Now practise engagement — being fully present — when doing a pleasant activity. This should be something you enjoy, so will differ from individual to individual; it may involve eating a nice lunch, walking your dog, reading a book, doing a Sudoku puzzle, listening to birds, sitting in the sunshine, having a hug. You decide. Connect or engage with the task fully, through the five senses, defusing your thoughts and making room for your feelings. If your mind wanders, bring your attention back to the task.

Using the same principles as above, stay present when doing an activity or task you have been avoiding. Something you may have been putting off for a while. Maybe because it’s an unpleasant, boring, or disagreeable activity, or it makes you anxious. Connect or engage with the task fully through the fives senses, defusing your thoughts and making room for your feelings. If your mind wanders, bring your attention back to the task.

These are just exercises to help us practise being engaged with the present moment — whether it’s neutral, pleasant, or unpleasant — so we can do so when we need to. Later on in the book we’ll use engagement to stay present in social situations that create anxiety, but for now the focus is on building up the ‘engagement muscle’.

It’s important to note we don’t have to be present or engaged with absolutely everything we do, all the time. Sometimes it may be beneficial to think of something else when we’re doing an activity or task. It’s fine to plan what we’re going to do with our evening when we’re washing the dishes or cleaning the floor. The problem is when our anxious feelings drive unhelpful behaviour; when we are avoiding activities we need to do, perform poorly at a task we want to do well in, or are not benefitting from being present in a pleasurable activity that will nourish us.

In the next section we will combine the skills we have learned so far and apply them in a practical way. We’ll use them to overcome fear, to take action when it really matters, and to be confident in social situations.