part0023

T he dress rehearsal is now over, it’s time to take action. It’s easy to read through a book like this, maybe try a few exercises, but then put it down and get distracted by responsibilities, chores, tasks, and work. Getting started is key.

This may seem scary, but it will be up to you to set the pace. Don’t be afraid to start small. Sometimes the goals we automatically select, without thinking, are so great we cannot possibly do them, or at least not in the timeframe we imagine. We get discouraged before we’ve even started. This is because massive change feels overwhelming. Let go of the idea you will change your entire life all at once, but understand you can take action bit-by-bit, using small incremental steps.

The aim of the Social Anxiety Action Plan is to help you to move out of your comfort zone. To tackle some of the small challenges you are facing right now. To begin to take action and change your behaviour, even if these behaviour changes seem minor. Beginning with small, manageable behaviours will also allow you to gain momentum, build confidence, create self-belief, and develop a growth mindset: nurturing the belief that you can change your behaviour and the way you respond to anxiety.

The plan outlined in this chapter embeds the exposure treatment into a structure that makes it as effective and safe as possible. It involves choosing a social situation, creating an intention, practising mental rehearsal, simulating physical symptoms, completing the steps of the exposure treatment, and then repeating the process with a new social situation. Let’s look at this more closely.

The first step is to choose social situation that you want to tackle. As we’ve already discussed, it may be beneficial to start small so that you don’t immediately get overwhelmed, and only choose those situations that most impact your life, the ones that are holding you back from really living.

By raising awareness of how we think we are perceived and setting an intention to change this, we can dramatically change the way other people see us. Not just strangers we are meeting for the first time, but friends and acquaintances too. With small changes and consistent behaviour, it’s never too late to change the way others view you. Creating an intention has three stages that involves writing two brief paragraphs and one further short sentence. The writing part of the exercise is important, just thinking it through won’t have the same results.

Stage 1 — Write a paragraph describing what you believe is the first impression you currently make in your chosen situation. How do you normally ‘show up’ in this situation and how does that cause other people to perceive you? Think about how you talk, what your body language is like, and your expectations of the situation.

Stage 2 — Write another paragraph that describes what you want your first impression to be. How would you like to be perceived by other people? Who are you when you are at your best and displaying your core values? Keep in mind the exercise we did in Chapter 8 entitled ‘Who Are You ?’ How do you speak? What is your body language like?

Stage 3 — Now write a short statement that describes what you project to others today and what you will project to others tomorrow. So for example, I might write today that I am shy and timid, but tomorrow I will be more curious and engaging. This is called the intentional first impression. The intentions we set for ourselves can have a huge impact on our behaviour. Every time we create an intention, we are subtly forming or reinforcing a mental habit. If we consistently create the same intention, it will become a habit that will guide our behaviour. Intentions can shape our behaviours, days, and lives.

Visualisation is sometimes called imagery, mental rehearsal, or mental practice, and it refers to the creating or recreating of an experience in the mind. The process involves constructing or recalling from memory, pieces of information stored from experience, and shaping these pieces into meaningful images. It is like playing a film in your mind of the social situation you intend to undertake. As an example of visualisation, a tennis player might use visualisation by mentally rehearsing their serve in detail before playing match, or visualising a previously effective and winning performance before going on court.

MRI scans have indicated the brain doesn’t distinguish between an imagined or actual experience, so preparing for a challenge using visualisation can be a very useful tool to use before stepping out and practically applying exposure treatment. Imagining the detailed process of the steps you’ll be taking has a number of benefits. As we said, the brain can’t tell the difference between a real and imagined experience, so going through a challenging task in detail can be excellent preparation.

Welsh rugby union player Leigh Halfpenny would often prepare for his goal-kicking by visualising the process in his hotel room before the game; imagining the crowd, the tension, various kicking distances and angles, going through every single motion he would do for a real kick.59 I would often do the same before important talks or lectures I had to deliver that I was anxious about (not as glamorous as kicking the winning points for Wales, I know). If possible, I would go to the actual room of the talk some hours, days, or weeks beforehand so I could see the exact environment, and I’d imagine how it would feel full of people. If I didn’t have access to the room or hall, I’d try to find photos of it online. Often before interviews or talks I’d check how the street and building looked on Google Maps and imagine walking into the building in preparation.

Visualising challenges in this way can also prepare us for mistakes, or things going wrong. Sticking to sporting analogies, the Olympic record holding swimmer, Michael Phelps, often used mental rehearsal in this way. He visualised his goggles filling with water, a competitor doing better than expected, or losing count of his strokes, and would then go through the process of how he would react, training himself to think clearly under pressure. His visualised scenarios sometimes came true and as he had already rehearsed them in his mind, he was able to deal with them calmly and effectively.60 We can use this same technique in anxiety-inducing social contexts; from public speaking, to job interviews, to difficult conversations.

Try to add to the visualisation in as many practical ways as possible. So, if you are required to wear formal clothes for a talk or social gathering, visualise and practise it wearing formal clothes. Students taking one of the courses I taught had to do their assessed presentations in formal suits, so I would always allow them to book time in the room that would be used for the assessment, in order for them to at least look around, and practise if they wished. I also encouraged them to dress in the clothes they would wear on the day of the presentation, both when practising at home and at the venue. Try to make the visualisations as real as possible. Practise visualising each step of the exposure treatment at least three times.

As mentioned in the previous chapter, if you find the physical symptoms of anxiety particularly uncomfortable, practise exercises that simulate these symptoms before you do the exposure (intense physical exercise to raise heart rate etc.). You only need to complete this step if physical symptoms are a particular problem for you, so feel free to skip this step if you’re confident that the physical side of anxiety isn’t an issue in your case.

Now go through the steps of exposure treatment plan that you designed using the information you completed in the ‘Designing the Exposure Treatment Plan’ section (see previous chapter).

After you have completed the first step, you move on to the next exposure treatment step and so on, until you have completed all the steps. You should find that as you progress through the steps, the exercise will become a little easier and confidence will grow. The actions of confidence come first, the feelings of confidence come second.

What if you feel stuck and unable to complete one, some, or all of the stages of the exposure treatment? What holds us back from doing something we’d really like to do, or from doing uncomfortable things we don’t like, but need to do, often making a situation much worse? There are three common reasons, and we’ve discussed these reasons before.

1. Fusing with our thoughts : the mind hooks us with its thoughts and stories and we get lost in them. These thoughts aren’t a problem when we’re defused from them, but when we fuse with them they become obstacles.

Antidote: Defusion . Next time you’re stuck, ask yourself, ‘What am I fusing with?' You can notice it, name it and neutralise it, using one of the defusion exercises outlined in Chapter 8, and then engage fully in what you are doing.

2. Excessive goals : if a goal exceeds our resources we will fail. So ask yourself if you’re trying to do too much too soon. It’s good to dream big, but you also have to be realistic to avoid getting discouraged.

Antidote : If you’re having problems with the initial goals of your exposure treatment try to start with a smaller goal. If you have already tried smaller goals and are stuck on the next one, try to break the exposure treatment down into even smaller steps. So instead of having seven steps (two extreme components and five intermediate components), create ten steps or more. This may help break down the social situation into smaller, more manageable behaviours. Remember, tortoise, not hare.

3. Avoiding discomfort : when you step outside of your comfort zone, what happens? You feel discomfort. If you’re waiting for your discomfort to go, or not making room for it, you may wait a long time. Ask yourself, what thoughts and feelings am I trying to avoid or get rid of?

Antidote : Accept discomfort. Are you willing to make room for the discomfort when you step outside of your comfort zone, and for the difficult emotions and sensations that will arise? Choosing to grow and explore new horizons may bring about many fears, but the alternative is stagnation and personal cost. Accepting the discomfort will also bring a new sense of meaning, purpose, and personal growth.

So, getting unstuck will involve defusion, expansion, and engagement, along with overcoming your fear, and possibly breaking your exposure treatment up into even smaller steps.