The Christmas month slipped away and then two more months were gone. Olivia faced the neglected burden.
“Matthew, I’m writing a letter to Mother and Father, shall I tell them you are married?”
They were in the hallway, standing in the warmth of the early morning sun. Matthew looked at Olivia. “You haven’t written that letter yet?”
“No,” she shrugged. “It’s been one thing after another. I didn’t dare write before you came back.”
“Yes, I suppose you might as well. Tell them we will be planning a trip home, possibly in the near future.”
“When you run out of money?”
He chuckled and pinched her cheek. “You’ve helped spend it, too. No matter. I might even look for a job if we’re here much longer.”
They heard a stomping and turned toward the door. Alex looked from Matthew to Olivia. “Well, I thought I was the only one up.”
“And I’ve been tiptoeing around to avoid waking people,” Olivia admitted.
A fully recovered Alex pulled off his jacket. “Been down to the river. It’s finally starting to look like spring. Matt, Caleb and I will be working the Awl over next week. Hopefully we can be out of here the following week.”
“Have someplace in mind?”
“Yes, we’ve been asked to go to the same spot. People are coming up the bayou country, and it looks like the best place is still around Greenville. Amos has more rope and glassware for us to carry down there. He’s also come up with some wooden casks. That’ll be a lighter load for us. If I can’t get cotton in small bales, I’ll just hang on to the casks.”
Matthew nodded. “An easy move to shield. Have you any idea how many people there’ll be?”
Alex sighed, “As many as I can carry. Things are tightening up. For some reason the people are coming out in hordes. Amos says he thinks there’s a rumor circulating. It’s possible the people are afraid their escape will be cut off.”
Olivia started toward the kitchen as Matthew asked, “Are the women coming along? Crystal might object to being left.”
“I suppose that’s up to them. We could use a cook.”
Sadie hurried into the kitchen tying on her apron as she came. “Oh my, I’ve overslept. Olivia, thee missed a good service last night. ’Twas a special prayer meeting, with the most wonderful news.”
“And what was that?”
“The brethren have just come from New York. They are having revival there. It has been going on for sometime. There are indications, Brother Strait told me, that revival is spreading this way. Remember I told thee Garrison has claimed a mighty revival would rescue us from the brink of disaster,” Sadie said as she began working on a breakfast of ham and eggs.
“What did he mean by that?” Olivia continued to line the forks beside the plates.
“Oh, thee most likely haven’t heard. Garrison, back in thirty-one or thereabouts, when he started up his newspaper, talked hard about the North seceding from the Union. Because of slavery. He fears we’ll never all pull together in our natural state.”
The men came into the kitchen. Olivia asked, “What do you mean by natural state?”
Sadie lifted sizzling slices of ham out of the frying pan and poured in the eggs. Flipping them, she said, “The Old Adam. Better ask the menfolk, or I’ll ruin their eggs. I get stirred on the subject.”
Amelia came into the kitchen. She stopped, “Old Adam? Did I miss breakfast?”
Alex chuckled and pulled a chair forward. “No, we haven’t taken up theology for breakfast.” Feeling very ignorant, Olivia slipped into her place. “Biscuits?” Alex questioned.
Olivia got up again. Alex’s eyes warmed her. She brought the biscuits to the table and went back for the coffee.
Pouring coffee, leaning over Alex’s shoulder, she noticed his hair curling on the nape of his neck and felt her throat tighten. Why must it be this way? Just misery. Two months ago I could have teased him over his long hair, and now I’m tongue-tied.
After everyone had finished, and the kitchen was straightened, Olivia sat down and wrote her stilted letter. Still aching, she wrote happy, reassuring words about Pennsylvania, then she inserted a casual remark about Matthew’s marriage. Feeling deceitful, she enthused over Crystal and tried to assure the parents that she was busy, happy, and useful.
As she finished the letter Crystal came into the kitchen. Olivia waved the letter and said, “To the parents. It’s full of nothing except that Matthew is married to a wonderful girl and I am happy, useful, and prospering. Oh yes, I told them where we are staying—just in case they’ll want to replenish their children’s resources.”
“Oh, dear,” Crystal murmured, pouring coffee for herself and searching for a cold biscuit. She glanced at Olivia and sighed.
“We need to talk, don’t we?”
“But not now,” Crystal said hastily. “It won’t change anything, I—” The door opened and Alex came into the room.
“Sleepyhead,” he said to Crystal. “I saw Joseph yesterday. He asked about you, seemed lonesome and very anxious for news of you. I told him you were married.”
“You did?” Her voice was taut, and Alex watched her. Hastily she sipped coffee and said, “Does he seem pleased?”
“Well,” Alex frowned, “I’d say more interested and satisfied.” He started for his room and then paused. “Joseph would be one happy man if you paid him a visit. He works at the blacksmith shop and has a little house right next door. Sadie might even give you some donuts for him.”
Alex picked up his tools and left the house. Crystal and Olivia sat in silence.
Amelia came into the kitchen. She looked at the silent figures, shrugged, and poured herself coffee. “Have you got spring fever, too?” She added, “I always get the desire to roam this time of year. Something in my blood starts saying, ‘Amelia, it’s time to go.’”
“Well, you have your chance,” Olivia said slowly, “Alex is working on the boat. I heard him tell Matthew he wants to be out of here in two weeks.”
Amelia straightened the sugar bowl and examined the spoon holder. “That wasn’t what I had in mind. Matter of fact, that boat scares me to death. If we don’t go down, the patrol will get us.”
Crystal asked, “Olivia, are you going?”
Thinking of Alex, Olivia shook her head vigorously. “No, I don’t want to.”
“Then I’ll be the only woman with all those men.”
“You could stay here,” Olivia said, but when she saw the expression on Crystal’s face, she hastily added, “I know that’s terrible. Maybe Matthew will stay here this trip.”
Olivia got to her feet, gathered her letter and pencil. “I need to see if Amos and Sadie will be going to town.”
As she passed through the hallway, she turned into the parlor and went to look out the window. The sky was blue and nearly cloudless. She blinked into the sunlight, moving her shoulders in the warmth. Close to the house the snow had melted, revealing a strip of green.
On impulse, she dropped the letter and reached for Sadie’s shawl hanging behind the door. Stepping outside, gingerly avoiding puddles of water, she made her way down the hill to the wharf. Only the Golden Awl was moored there. Muddy footprints crossed the gangplank and disappeared on the deck.
She followed them. Matthew and Caleb were in the engine room, and Matthew had grease on his hands. Staring at the grease, she murmured, “I can’t believe it!”
Impatiently he shrugged and said, “Go up to the pilothouse and give the bell cord a yank. Something is loose.”
Dutifully she climbed the stairs. Alex turned as she entered the pilothouse. “I saw you coming,” he said. “Is something wrong?”
“No,” she stopped to catch her breath. “Matthew sent me to yank on the bell cord.”
“I’ve had it off when I polished the bell. It’s working now.”
“Polished the bell?” she exclaimed, watching him covertly. After the one miserable meeting of their eyes, he had turned away. It was a mistake—one foolish hug, and now we are no longer friends. How long will we need to avoid each other before we can act like friends again? Without being told, she knew and faced the bleak future.
“What?” He was looking at her, waiting for an answer.
“I asked if you are coming with us this trip.”
“No.”
“Look, Olivia, if it’s because of me, I’ll stay out of your way.”
“I just didn’t think it necessary.”
“As you wish.”
She thought for a minute, chewed her lip, and looked at his profile. “You’re inconsistent.”
Caught off guard he turned to her slowly and said, “That’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me for two months. Why did you say it?”
“Last autumn you refused to take Crystal and me home. Now you’re more than anxious to have me—us along. Why?”
His neck reddened. “It is inconsistent.” Abruptly he faced her and shoved his cap back on his head. “One stolen embrace and it’s all ruined, huh? You’ve been avoiding me since.”
“It was foolish, wasn’t it? The hug.” She studied the hurt in his eyes. Slowly she said, “I find myself lonesome for your company, and regretting that we can’t be friends.”
“It isn’t just the hug, is it?” He hesitated and said hastily, “It’s all the other. The kiss, the whack. I’d give anything to undo it all, but right now I know of no way.”
She nodded and left the pilothouse. As she walked slowly back up the hill she pondered the situation. Why do I feel the kiss and the spanking aren’t the important things? What is?
At the end of the lane she turned away from the house. The wind was sharpening. Tightening the shawl around her arms, she said to herself, “If only there were someone to advise me. If I could only understand why we are miserable.”
And suddenly the whole of it lay before her. She stopped in her tracks and pondered it, then slowly she cut off the road and went to lean on the fence. Sheep grazed in the early grass. The stream coursing down to the river was free of ice, and the clear water chuckled and gurgled as if rejoicing in its freedom.
The peacefulness of the scene reminded her of Sadie sitting contentedly beside the fire carding wool. “Each stroke of the comb, and more of the sticks and burrs are gone. The strands lie smooth and straight. If Alex were saying it,” she mused, “he’d say God is speaking to me, and right now I can’t deny it. Is that it? And is that why I suddenly see it all—because You make me to see it?” She moved restlessly against the fence, even as she felt the wind pricking through the shawl. She listened to the tinkle of bells and the rustling of contented sheep.
With a sigh she straightened and looked toward the house. Is it because Alex is what he is, and I don’t want that? she wondered. He is of a caliber and a determination that I dare not face. I am not woman enough, and I dare not demand he change by stepping down to my level. More than the thought, the earring is a reminder of all he told me, and that makes me uneasy.
This is no ordinary man; he is one of the called out ones. I can want him with all my soul, but I cannot have him because it would destroy us both. Me? I would be destroyed through the sheer pain of straining to lift myself to his level. Olivia looked up and took a deep breath. Having verbalized the hard words to herself, she knew a painful release. “’Tis called acceptance.” She mimicked Sadie’s gentle speech.
****
Her peace lasted a week before it was again attacked. One morning Crystal came into her room as Olivia dressed for the day. Bluntly she said, “We have one more week. I cannot stay here without Matthew, and he says I may not go unless you also go.”
Olivia turned from the mirror, and Crystal said, “Why don’t you do what Alex always does?”
“You mean—”
“Pray about it. Surely you are being stubborn and—”
“You think God will change my mind.” Olivia’s voice echoed the amusement she felt. “Oh, Crystal, do you really think I don’t know my mind?”
Crystal’s face changed. “I don’t understand completely, this praying and such. But I can’t believe you understand God’s will without asking first.”
“You are very young.”
“No younger than you.”
Olivia sighed. “Very well; I shall pray.”
“And what will be the sign that God wants you to go?”
Olivia took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Crystal, there’s something wrong with this. Perhaps the smartest thing we can do right now is to ask Amos for help.” Then she added, “Oh Crystal, this is ridiculous.”
Ignoring her, Crystal rushed on, “Better yet, let’s ask Alex to give us a Bible study. He and Amelia study the Bible together often; perhaps we can join them.”
“They do?” Olivia considered the information and felt the stirring of jealousy. She’s no better than I! She smiled. “You have the privilege of making arrangements.”
Amelia came into the room and looked from Crystal to Olivia. “What kind of arrangements are you making?”
“We’re talking about Bible study,” Crystal said.
Olivia added, “Crystal has such strange ideas about prayer and God’s will.” She looked at Crystal. “Where did you get these ideas?”
Crystal shrugged. “Auntie T. She’s been teaching me to pray and trust God for as far back as I can remember.”
Slowly Amelia said, “Are you certain you remember right? I’m beginning to think most of us twist around our thinking until the good comes out bad and the—well you know.” She added, “Alex has been helping me understand more about God. He won’t mind if you come and listen, too.”
“That sounds like a good idea,” Olivia said slowly, considering Amelia’s face. She’s old, but would he care, especially now? Feeling guilty, Olivia smiled and said, “If you don’t mind sharing him with us.”
Amelia looked startled. Studying Olivia’s face, she grinned, “Not at all; I’m certain he’ll be flattered! All these females hanging around. Bring your Bibles down after dinner.”
Olivia looked at her in astonishment. “You have a Bible?”
“Alex bought it for me.”
After dinner, Olivia, carrying her Bible, took her place at the table. She sneaked a glance at Amelia’s Bible. It wasn’t as nice as hers.
Crystal sat down. “I don’t have a Bible.”
Alex came into the room, followed by Caleb. He said, “I’m certain Sadie will let you use hers.”
Olivia studied Caleb as he sat down beside her. “You told Alex all about God; why are you here?”
He grinned. “I’m learning how to read the words. ’Sides, nobody ever gets to the place where he can quit studying God’s Word.”
Crystal asked, “What’s the difference between Bible study and what we did every morning on the boat?”
“That was devotional reading. Now you’re going to be studying it for yourself. This means finding an answer to your questions.”
Matthew came through the kitchen. “I wondered what had happened to everyone.”
“Bible study,” Alex replied. “You’re welcome to join us.”
Matthew shook his head and continued down the hall.
Alex said, “Open your Bibles to the book of John. Find chapter three. Caleb, you’ve been reading this to me every night, how about reading the first three verses.” He looked around the circle, “The rule is, if you have a question, we stop.”
Olivia watched Caleb carefully turn the pages. From the condition of the cover, she guessed the Bible was new, but she noticed some of the pages were beginning to curl.
Caleb found the place and began to read. Olivia concentrated on Caleb’s careful reading, feeling the rise and fall of his rich voice. Now the words found their way into her thoughts. “Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.”
Next Crystal read, “Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.”
Just those passages sparked a flurry of questions among them all—except Olivia. When the study ended, and the group closed their Bibles and left the table, Alex said, “Olivia, you didn’t ask one question. Have you studied this in the past?”
She confessed, “No, at least if I did, I don’t remember. To tell the truth, I felt very stupid.”
“Then ask now.”
Trapped, she thought to herself, if you run now, you’ll never whip this silly attitude. “Alex, I was raised in the church. Both Matthew and I. We were baptized into membership at an early age. Now I’m hearing that you have to believe or you perish, that you have to be born again. What does Jesus mean?”
“You sound disturbed.”
“I am. I can’t believe God is so strict—do it My way or die.”
He leafed through the Bible and placed it in front of her. “Does this disturb you?”
“Ask and I’ll receive? Of course not.”
“And this one?”
She moved impatiently, reading the words his finger touched, “‘I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.’” He found another and pointed. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
“Is it fair to expect the good things without dealing with the hard verses? And, Olivia don’t you want the good ones? You obey the hard ones, and the others are yours, too.”
He waited as she got to her feet. “When you want to deal with the hard ones, I’ll be here.”
As Olivia slowly climbed the stairs, she blinked tears out of her eyes, knowing that all her good resolutions were gone, and that she was as miserable as ever.
She muttered, “Acceptance, my dear Sadie, is out of the question.”