“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.”
—Barnett Brickner
There you are, finally standing before your friends and loved ones with your sweetheart, vowing to be together for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health. Before you got to that altar you spent months, maybe years, planning every detail—the flowers, your dress, your bridesmaids’ dresses, the venue, the DJ, the videographer . . . well, you get the idea. But one thing that you didn’t plan for was divorce. Nevertheless, a few years after that lovely wedding, you find yourself divorced. Despite the vows you and your spouse took that glorious day, it’s over. Some people are simply unwilling or unable to keep those promises.
What happened? What we found in our research is that there are three types of marriers: those who take their vows seriously and won’t divorce under any circumstances; those who don’t take marriage all that seriously and marry and divorce at the drop of a hat (and nowhere is this more apparent than Hollywood); and, by far the majority, those who marry with the best intentions to stick to those vows, but who would consider divorce if something egregious happened, like infidelity, abuse, or addiction.
Even as people say their vows, the idea of divorce might be in the back of their minds. As one young bride-to-be told us, she was reluctant to get engaged to her live-in boyfriend of six years “until I realized that if it didn’t work out, I could just get divorced. So I said yes.” Knowing she had an out enabled her to step in.
But what if it weren’t that easy? If you are the type of marrier who doesn’t want to leave the back door open to exit when things get a bit more challenging and you want your future spouse to feel the same way, there’s a marriage for you. Actually, it isn’t just a marriage—it’s a separate, legally recognized marriage license. It’s a Covenant Marriage.
Maybe you haven’t heard of it. Most people we spoke with hadn’t heard of it either, unless they were from the South, and even there many had no idea what it was. The South is where Covenant Marriages were born, live, and breathe in the United States: they began in Louisiana in 1997.
The idea of Covenant Marriage dates back to 1947 France. French legislators wanted to combat the increasing number of divorces in the country. In 1947, the divorce rate in the country jumped from an average of 15,000 per year to nearly 58,000 because of changes in laws and postwar upheaval.
It was also seen as a way to assure each member of the couple-to-be that he and she shared the same intention. A debate ensued with the legislators about the realities of life and the inability of anyone to predict what might cause them to divorce, but they could not all agree on how to solve the problem. Some seemed to like the premise and agreed there was a problem that needed to be solved, but they just couldn’t get behind the proposal as it was written. The measure lost with a vote of nine to twelve.
In the mid-’90s, the religious and political right in the United States resurrected the indissoluble marriage idea as a way to preserve the sanctity of marriage as well as to bring the divorce rates down. Conservatives saw the no-fault divorce laws as the number one factor in the mass marital exodus that occurred in the 1970s. Rather than stand by, helpless to do anything about it, they decided to create a marriage that made people really think about what they were getting themselves into.
Certainly, the impact of divorce on society as a whole was important, but it was the children of divorce that mattered more to people like Katherine Spaht, a retired family law professor at Louisiana State University, who helped write one of the original bills. She saw these kids as the innocent victims of their parents’ choices, and she wanted couples to take their commitment more seriously. Spaht worked tirelessly to get the fledgling Covenant Marriage law passed through Congress.
Religion plays a large role in the Covenant Marriage movement, which is why many of the less-religiously inclined haven’t heard about this option. As a committed Christian, Spaht not only worked on the gubernatorial level to create a stronger marriage but she also worked with local pastors and religious communities to get their backing. There was a great deal of resistance early on, she recalls.
When Louisiana approved Covenant Marriage, “it was the first time in 200 years that marriage laws moved in the opposite direction,” she told us proudly. It was also the first time in the history of the postindustrial Western world that people had a choice of marriage models. Only two states followed Louisiana’s lead, Arizona in 1998 and Arkansas in 2001, although Covenant Marriage legislation has been proposed and rejected in twenty-five states. And despite Spaht’s pride, only about 2 percent have actually chosen to marry that way.
Jennifer and Joe from Arkansas entered into a Covenant Marriage more than a decade ago. Most people hadn’t heard of the new marriage then, and, as they acknowledge here, not much has changed since then in that regard: “When we bought our marriage license in 2003, we had to ask for the Covenant Marriage information. We were told that we were the first couple in our county to even ask about it.”
Some family members and friends were skeptical about their Covenant Marriage. “Many thought it was ‘wasted’ effort because ‘who marries with the thought of divorce?’ On the plus side, many others were very supportive but had never heard of it. Even after almost ten years, I still have to explain what it is to some, which I do gladly if I’m given the opportunity. In Arkansas, a couple can even convert their marriage to a Covenant Marriage, but again I don’t think it is well publicized.”
It’s not. That’s why we included it in our book. We wanted you to know that, in addition to making marriage more pliable, you can also agree to add more legal restrictions to make your marriage stronger and more durable.
Covenant Marriage differs from traditional marriage in two important ways: it’s harder to get into and harder to get out of. Instead of just saying, “I do,” think of it as saying, “I do. I really, really, really, really do!” Couples that want a Covenant Marriage must participate in premarital counseling with a specially trained clergyperson or therapist to help them understand the level of commitment they are entering into, learn how to manage the challenges of living life on life’s terms, and discuss expectations each has of the marriage.
Then they can go to their local courthouse to pick up the necessary basic nuptial documents and a few more—a signed affidavit stating they have completed premarital counseling, an attestation from the person who provided counseling confirming that they completed the program, and a declaration of intent (see example below), which states that the couple promises to do everything in their power to preserve the union.
So far, so good. Many people recommend premarital counseling to uncover expectations and beliefs and talk about them in a safe and open way with a neutral third party, and a 2006 study indicated a positive correlation between marital satisfaction, levels of commitment, and premarital counseling. It gets trickier, however, if a couple in a Covenant Marriage wants out, and, yes, even with a restrictive marriage license, there is still an out.
To get a divorce, there must be proof of abuse, addiction, infidelity, criminal behavior, or abandonment. If there was no wrongdoing, couples have to wait two years, regardless of which of the three states they live in, before they can start the process.
A DECLARATION OF INTENT
We solemnly declare that marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman who agree to live together as husband and wife for as long as they both live. We have chosen each other carefully and have received premarital counseling on the nature, purposes, and responsibilities of marriage.
We understand that a Covenant Marriage is for life. If we experience marital difficulties, we commit ourselves to take all reasonable efforts to preserve our marriage, including marital counseling.
With full knowledge of what this commitment means, we do declare that our marriage will be bound by (Louisiana, Arizona, or Arkansas) law on Covenant Marriages, and we promise to love, honor, and care for one another as husband and wife for the rest of our lives.
Spaht and her husband, Paul, were among the first to convert their marriage. Spaht states she and Paul have been through many difficult life events in their nearly forty-three years of marriage, including her heart attack a few years back and her husband’s cancer. “It’s very powerful to renew vows after you’ve been through things like that together,” Spaht says.
One of Spaht’s sons and her daughter have also elected to get Covenant Marriages, so it’s becoming a family affair, which is a source of pride for her.
Why such a small percentage of takers? We’ll explain why in a minute. But first, let’s look at who chooses it and why.
Penelope has been married for forty-three years. When the Louisiana resident learned about Covenant Marriage from her pastor fifteen years ago, she and her husband decided to convert. It’s helped them get through tough spots.
“Covenant Marriage means that if you get to a place where you can’t stand your spouse, you rethink your commitment and try harder to figure it out rather than just leave,” she says, acknowledging that she’d been in that place a few times. “God has put us together and allowed bad things to happen, but God will also give you the strength to get through whatever the problem is.”
Penelope shared with us how well it can work. A couple from her church was struggling because of the husband’s womanizing and excessive drinking. Under the Covenant Marriage guidelines, the wife had legitimate grounds for a divorce, but rather than walk away, she decided to love her husband more, Penelope says. He eventually stopped drinking and “behaving badly,” and he recommitted to the marriage. Knowing that he would have to go to counseling as well as answer to his pastor and their religious community, he sobered up to the fact that he had taken serious vows and he needed to honor them.
Of course, you don’t have to be in a Covenant Marriage to get this outcome, but having the added accountability to a community makes it that much more challenging for couples to skip out without at least trying to work on the problems. That’s the whole point. Penelope brings up God with good reason. Covenant Marriage was founded by religious conventionalists, and the majority of the couples that marry that way—about 78 percent—are conservative evangelical Protestants. While religion plays a role in Covenant Marriage, it’s not exclusive to any religion in particular: there are Catholics, Quakers, and Jews in Covenant Marriages, as well as couples that identify with being spiritual rather than religious.
Two of the biggest proponents of Covenant Marriage don’t even live in any of the states that offer it. Phil and Cindy Waugh live in Tennessee and started the Covenant Marriage Movement (CMM) in 1999 to help couples—primarily in the United States, but all over the world—prepare for and create Covenant Marriages. Phil Waugh is an ordained minister (although not affiliated with a particular church), and the work he and Cindy do has nothing to do with the legal side of marriage. The commitment they endorse is to the union, which he views as much more than committing to one another. “It’s a commitment to God and to society as a whole. It’s a way to contribute to the stability of the culture, and it’s about putting the needs of others ahead of your own,” he says.
The Waughs say they have helped hundreds of couples get in—and stay in—Covenant Marriages. They even have connections for assistance to spouses who, not through their own volition, have lost their Covenant partnership. (Yes, you can remain in your Covenant Marriage even if your spouse doesn’t.) The Waughs regularly direct those individuals to the Oklahoma-based organization Covenant Keepers, which provides ongoing support to the spouse who has remained committed to the Covenant.
His organization is faith-based, but he says it’s open to anyone—as long as the couple belongs to some sort of a community. The reason is accountability. Waugh says he has seen the huge benefits of answering to a larger group.
Brian and Stephanie went to the Waughs for their Covenant Marriage eleven years ago. They had learned about it from their friends. “Love is an action and not a feeling,” the Florida couple told us. “You choose to keep loving your spouse even though there are times when you may not feel love toward the other.”
And that’s exactly what happened to them when they were displaced from their home because Brian changed his career path. As angry as Stephanie was at first, she realized her job was to find the solution within the marriage. That doesn’t mean she didn’t allow herself to experience the full depth of anger and sadness. Eventually, she mustered her strength and maturity—qualities she sees as vital in a Covenant Marriage—and accepted that their lives were going in a different direction, but not necessarily the wrong direction, than she had hoped. Rather than stay upset, Stephanie chose to trust their new situation and “love what is.”
She, like others who have gone through the requirements of a Covenant Marriage, was taught in premarital counseling to make the best of difficult circumstances life throws your way and set your expectations accordingly. That’s advice we support, too.
So, do Covenant Marriages actually prevent divorce? While they’ve done little to nothing to slow the general divorce rate in the three states that practice it, the divorce rate for couples with a Covenant Marriage is 50 percent lower than couples that have a plain old vanilla marriage license. This could be because those couples take their vows and commitment more seriously, or because they tend to be more religious and traditional, or because they are required to get premarital counseling, or all of the above or some combination.
Scott’s parents had gone through a terrible divorce, and he wanted to avoid ever being in a situation that opened the door to such vitriol. When he saw a newspaper article about Covenant Marriage, he said to his then-girlfriend, Claudia, “If I get married, that’s what I want to do.”
Ten years after tying the knot, the Arizona couple is still happily married. They told us that the counseling they did before getting married was an integral part of building a lasting foundation, especially what they learned about conflict. “This helps guide us through the arguments and hard times that all married couples go through. We don’t allow ourselves to live in a ‘magic bubble’ where we feel that we are special and bad things won’t happen in our marriage. We feel it’s important to realize that everyone fights, so we must fight fair in order to work through each issue as it comes up,” they told us.
Even though the divorce rate is lower for couples in Covenant Marriages, some still divorce. Couples that live in states where Covenant Marriage is not legally recognized can simply go the traditional divorce route, but, in the three states where it’s legal, it’s more complicated.
If there are legitimate grounds that can be proven, such as physical or sexual abuse, felony criminal conviction, addiction, or abandonment, the spouse who wants out can get a divorce quickly. Proving the wrongdoing can be difficult, however, unless you’re willing to hire private investigators or have witnesses. That can get really ugly really quickly, not to mention expensive. That’s what made the courts move away from fault-based divorces in the first place. Couples that file without grounds must go through a two-year cooling-off period as we mentioned above to make sure they really want to split. They also must attend mandatory marriage therapy sessions to show that they made every attempt to keep the marriage intact.
To date, there is no information indicating that this waiting period has been effective in getting couples to reconcile, but given that the movement is relatively young and there are relatively few divorces in Covenant Marriages, perhaps it will prove a valuable tool.
There is a movement in America to make divorce harder for couples with minor children. But if the tiny number of those who choose to have a Covenant Marriage is any indication, it just won’t fly. Two Arizona attorneys we spoke with, Victor Nirenstein and Alexander Garnice, believe they haven’t caught on because “they are just too much hassle for most people.”
Spaht and her cohorts believe differently. She says there’s just too little knowledge about it. Policymakers pushed the measure through legislation, but little was done to oversee implementation of the program. She discovered clergy weren’t telling their parishioners about it, and court clerks weren’t handing out information on it even though they were mandated by state law to do so.
Covenant Marriage has received a great deal of criticism over the years. There are several reasons, including:
• Covenant Marriages are associated with the religious and political right, which many see as a narrow-minded population with rigid constraints. In fact, the majority of people today believe marital boundaries should widen rather than narrow.
• Covenant Marriage is defined solely between a man and a woman, so same-sex marriages are not recognized or encouraged.
• Premarital counseling is required, but few accommodations are made for couples that can’t afford to pay for it.
• Emotional, mental, and verbal abuse are not considered grounds for divorce, although these can be as damaging as physical and sexual abuse.
• Misdemeanors are not considered grounds for divorce (just felonies are), so a spouse could be a low-level criminal, and the innocent spouse might still have to wait two years to divorce, opening him or her up to liability.
• The waiting period adds two years to the length of the marriage, which increases the amount of spousal support to be paid (however, if you are the one receiving the support, this may be a positive).
• Covenant Marriages are a throwback to a destructive model of divorce. People who have to prove fault are made to dredge up painful, embarrassing, and sometimes traumatizing events. Many consider fault-based divorces as shame-based.
Some have criticized Covenant Marriage as a dangerous step that could open the way for others to also redefine marriage and pave the way for multiple types of marriage, which naysayers believe will ultimately lead to privatizing marriage. But one of the main reasons we wrote this book is to acknowledge that people all over the world are already redefining marriage informally. The question wasn’t if this was going to happen; it was just a matter of when.
We’ve never heard anyone complain that having more skills and knowledge about relationships has harmed their relationship. In fact, it seems glaringly obvious that couples that have only a few inter-relational skills to draw from fare worse than those with many skills. As is true with most things, the more you know, the better you do. But for the starry-eyed, mainstream marrier, counseling doesn’t usually come up on the premarital list of things to do. According to one survey, just 39 percent sought professional help before they wed, and the vast majority of them (78 percent) found it helpful. And of the couples that didn’t go for counseling, 76 percent said they wish they had.
One upside of getting premarital counseling is learning communication skills. One study found that Covenant couples are much less likely to use belittling, sarcastic, or hostile language—the kind of language that famed relationship expert John Gottman has found leads to poor marital quality.
Ironically, as we were writing this book, Colorado proposed the Colorado Marriage Education Act, mandating that all marrying couples complete ten hours of premarital education classes; those in second or third marriages would need more. Whether proposals like that pass or not, education for engaged couples might help decrease the number of divorces. It might also dissuade people from marrying when they’re not ready to or from marrying the wrong person and ending up making what many consider “the biggest mistake of my life.”
In this case, Covenant Marriages get it right. Another aspect of Covenant Marriage that seems to work well is the commitment spouses make to tell the other spouse when something in the relationship is not working. This is often what prompts couples to get marriage counseling. While a Covenant Marriage couple would likely go to counseling right away, those in traditional marriages usually wait to seek help until it’s almost always too late—six years after problems arise.
Finally, even though Covenant Marriage makes things harder for a couple, it acknowledges that people should have the right to make whatever binding commitment they want to. Couples that enter a Covenant Marriage willingly give their lives over in service of their marriage and family, and they happily reject the notion of no-fault divorce.
IF YOU’RE ALREADY MARRIED
If you have a traditional marriage and you want to convert to a Covenant Marriage, you can, just like Penelope did. There are some hoops you must go through, however. In some cases, you may have to consult a trained professional to learn about the requirements and responsibilities, show proof that the original marriage ceremony took place, and pay an additional fee. You also must sign a modified Declaration of Intent stating that you understand the commitment you are making.
But before you do, please check your motives. If you have had a troubled marriage and hope a Covenant Marriage will force you or your spouse to be more committed or that it will magically solve some of your problems, think again. We would advise that you make sure your relationship is on solid ground for at least eighteen to twenty-four months before switching. Counseling may be more beneficial to your marriage than permanently tightening the reins would be. Using Covenant Marriage to manipulate your mate or to keep someone, even yourself, in check is not how the union was designed—and is generally not a healthy marital practice. As Stephanie cautioned earlier in the chapter, you need extra doses of fortitude and maturity to make this marriage work.
WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT A COVENANT MARRIAGE
• There is a higher level of commitment, so couples can have more confidence that the other will not leave. This may allow couples to go deeper with their love, trust, and intimacy.
• Since there is no easy exit, couples must work harder to get through difficult times and circumstances, and they may be more creative in solving their problems.
• Couples that participate in counseling before and during their marriage generally have better communication, conflict-reduction, and cooperation skills, as well as an overall increase in marital satisfaction.
• Covenant Marriages may provide more stability for children.
• Strong shared religious or traditional beliefs tend to unite a couple.
• Couples that choose this model embrace the concept of personal responsibility.
• Couples may feel support from their community.
• Covenant Marriages stress acceptance of the way things are, not how you’d like them to be.
• Covenant women become more optimistic about their marriages after they become mothers than do women in traditional marriages.
• Covenant women are less likely to envision divorce after they become mothers, whereas women in traditional marriages are more likely to envision divorce after the birth of a child.
• Covenant men become more optimistic about their marriages compared with men in traditional marriages.
WHAT’S NOT SO GOOD ABOUT A COVENANT MARRIAGE
• Divorce, although more difficult to obtain, may still be necessary.
• It may carry some parochial expectations.
• It may perpetuate shame if a couple’s marriage doesn’t last.
• Covenant Marriage reinforces traditional gender roles.
• If one spouse causes the marriage to end, he or she may lose a community and support network in addition to a spouse.
• Others may judge you for having an “old-fashioned” and outdated marriage.
• A spouse may have a hidden agenda in asking you to agree to marry this way.
• You may have regrets.
• You may have a crisis in faith, which may change your desire to stay in a Covenant Marriage.
• Your spouse may have a crisis in faith, which may change his or her desire to stay in a Covenant Marriage.
• Your family may have to relocate, and your new home state may not legally recognize this marriage.
HOW TO MAKE A COVENANT MARRIAGE WORK
Given that this is already a legal model, a good amount of literature exists to help you structure your marriage. That said, it isn’t a good model for everyone. The couples that tend to be attracted to it are religious and traditional (and, interestingly, more educated).
So, whom might it work for?
• You take commitment seriously.
• You want to be married for life and believe you can stay married.
• You don’t see divorce as an option.
• You feel a social responsibility to marry and have children.
• You have a community to answer to.
• You have a certain level of maturity and strength.
• You are good at accepting “what is.”
• You are flexible in seeking solutions.
• You are a good communicator.
• You have a good moral compass.
• You take responsibility for your behavior and actions.
• You are willing to sanctify your marriage.
• You believe in sticking with things no matter how challenging they are.
• You have a big-picture understanding of and a healthy respect for how your marriage impacts the world around you.
IS A COVENANT MARRIAGE RIGHT FOR ME?
Wondering if you’re cut out for a Covenant Marriage? Here are a few questions you might want to ask yourself:
• What seems appealing about a Covenant Marriage?
• What seems negative?
• Why would I want to go through the extra hassles of a Covenant Marriage instead of just sticking to traditional marriage vows?
• Am I mature enough to deal with tremendous challenges in partnership without wanting an out?
• Are marriage and children central to my life?
• Are marriage and children central to my partner’s life?
• Do I have a supportive community?
• In what ways do my religious or spiritual beliefs impact my relationships?
• In what ways am I traditional?
• In what ways am I nontraditional?
• How would I handle things if my spouse became unfaithful, abusive, an addict/alcoholic, or a felon?
• What are my feelings about divorce?
• What are my feelings about divorce with young children?
• Do I believe in monogamy, and am I good at monogamy?
READ MORE
Curious about how to make this marital model work? Here are some books to read for insight and guidance:
• Covenant Marriage: Building Communication and Intimacy by Gary Chapman (B&H Publishing Group, 2003).
• Covenant Marriage: Staying Together for Life by Fred Lowery (Howard Books, 2003).
• Covenant Marriage: The Movement to Reclaim Tradition in America by Steven Nock, Laura Sanchez, and James Wright (Rutgers University Press, 2008).
• Covenant vs. Contract: Experiencing God’s Blessing In and Through Your Marriage by Dave Brown and Phil Waugh (Son Publishing, 2004).
• Marriage Covenant by Derek Prince (Whitaker House, 2006).
COVENANT MARRIAGE TAKEAWAYS
• Covenant Marriage is the only legal alternative to traditional marriage (but is only legal in Louisiana, Arizona, and Arkansas).
• Covenant Marriage is for life.
• Couples that choose Covenant Marriage must meet certain obligations, such as completing premarital counseling.
• Covenant Marriage requires a high level of maturity and emotional strength.
• There are only a few legitimate grounds for divorce in a Covenant Marriage (abuse, abandonment, addiction, and criminal involvement).
• If both spouses agree to divorce but there are no legal grounds for it, the couple must wait two years before they can get divorced.