Despite her declaration to remain uninvolved, Doug’s image dangled in Nina’s thoughts like a mule’s carrot. His smile, his lost look, his fleeting glances rolled into a tempting nugget in her imagination. She opened her computer to occupy her mind with something other than Doug but when she stared at the monitor, her mind segued back to the block party. For someone who could evaluate promotional programs and manage entire brands, she failed when it came to her own life.
Spending the morning with her thoughts spinning motivated her to break down the steps she used in her work to evaluate her own needs and goals. But the big question was how? How did she look with fresh eyes and see anything that wasn’t tangled in her past?
She scooted her chair back and rose. Why did she waste time reliving her last conversation with Doug? She’d got in a huff, and when he left her house, she’d ushered him to the front door without a kind word, and the poor guy had no idea why. And she couldn’t explain it, either. Yes, he’d brought up a bad time, but that had been years earlier. Nothing could be done, so why dwell on it?
She strode to the kitchen and poured coffee into a cup. The strong odor curled her nose so she poured it out, rinsed the cup and found a tea bag. Microwaves came in handy for a single cup of tea. Waiting, she opened the sliding door and gazed into the yard. Even though the season was late, she’d wanted to add some perennials that would come up next year. Angie’s yard looked lovely with fall blossoms.
The buzzer sounded, and she headed back to her makeshift office with her cup of tea. Yet the tea didn’t help, either. Her mind flew from one idea for a client to the block party. She’d met a few neighbors, saying hello or responding with “Yes, I’m new on the block,” but still it was a beginning. She especially enjoyed meeting El. He embodied a rare spirit filled with wit, kindness and wisdom.
El had an innocence about him—a man who trusted his instinct and didn’t question his decision to be friendly or look for motivation. That’s where she had failed. Any question that delved too deeply into her personal hang-ups or sorrows invaded her comfort level and she assumed the person was nosy or prying. Doug’s question had been general not probing.
Draining the last of her tea, she rose and set the empty cup in the kitchen, grabbed her house key and stepped outside. The quiet of the street spilled over her, as empty as her teacup. The block party had resounded with voices, children laughing and music playing on a speaker somewhere. A few people had danced in the circular area of the street.
How long had it been since she’d danced? Forever. She recalled Doug saying life had got in his way. She stood on her sidewalk, her eyes closed for a moment, picturing the friendly atmosphere of the Friday block party.
As she walked, she spotted El sitting on a wooden glider in his front yard. Though she regretted not having a treat to offer him, she headed that way. Flowers bloomed in his flower beds, and she wanted to ask about them. Maybe he could offer her ideas on what would be good to plant this time of year.
Thoughts returned again on her rudeness to Doug. She’d startled him as well as herself. Nearing El’s, she realized her motivation for coming was feeling alone. El had mentioned loneliness once, and today it overwhelmed her, a strange emotion with no solution other than to seek company. For years, she’d avoided company after Todd left, saying she didn’t care.
Her heart skipped as she neared Doug’s house. His car sat back in the driveway signaling he was home, but she saw no sign of him. She should be relieved to avoid a confrontation, but instead, a guilty sting burned through her. She’d behaved terribly.
El saw her coming and raised his hand in greeting. She waved back, glad for the distraction. As she stepped onto his lawn, he rose, planting his feet on the ground while hoisting himself from the glider without losing his balance.
He grinned. “How are you this fine Sunday?”
She nodded at his welcome and ambled toward him, hoping to look casual and not unnerved. “Beautiful day, isn’t it?”
“Couldn’t ask the Lord for better.”
The reference helped her understand El’s ways. He lived by the rules that people of the church took for granted. She’d known a few things about faith once, but she’d let her curiosity die. Had her divorce triggered her hopelessness? She couldn’t recall what ended her interest. Yet she sometimes envied those who had faith. They lived with the philosophy that life never ended. This world was only a stepping stone to something better. The idea that life held more than the here and now, though strange, had a comfortable ring to it. A spark warmed her again.
El patted the seat on the swing. “Join me a minute.” He grasped the arm and sank back onto the slats.
With her growing curiosity, she did as he suggested and sank beside him. “You have pretty flowers, El.” She twisted on her hip to face him. “You don’t mind that I call you El?”
“Mind.” He tossed his head back with a chuckle. “That’s my name, and I’m hanging on to it.”
He made her grin. “Okay, then. In case you forgot, I’m Nina.”
“Pretty name. I wouldn’t forget that one.” He gave her arm a pat. “Thank you for mentioning the flowers. My wife always urged me to plant flowers. I was smart enough to learn that urging was one of those things that women did rather than just demand their husbands do it.”
This time she chuckled. “Did your wife have favorite flowers?”
“She sure did. She loved the ones that came up year after year. That’s mainly what you’re looking at—daisies, coneflowers, asters, and those purple ones are called catmint. I added a few geraniums. They’re faithful flowers, growing in nearly every environment.” He winked. “They’re not fussy.”
“That’s one of the few flowers I know by name. But now I recognize the white daisies.”
“Coneflowers are the colorful ones there.” He pointed to a bed of daisy-like blossoms. “Pretty things in so many colors.”
“I want to do some planting. I have a few clumps of flowers in the front. I’m not sure what they are, but...” She relaxed against the seat back. “I finally have my new house organized.” She eyed him. “Sort of.”
He chuckled, his gaze washing across her face as if he had questions but didn’t ask.
“How did your meal go with Birdie on Friday?”
“Fine. I think she appreciated the company and that I accepted her invitation.” He chuckled again. “She asked if we could eat together, but she didn’t have a table or chairs. That means she sort of urged me to ask her.” His eyes glinted with his joke before he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, hands woven together. “Birdie’s been standoffish until recently. That’s a lonely life for a woman who still has years to enjoy each day.”
His words swept over her. “To be honest, El, I’ve been somewhat that way, too.”
He nodded while a faint crooked grin grew on his face. “I sensed that, Nina. You know, whatever happened in your past is just that. It’s passed. Ahead of you is a future, but you have to participate in it.” He stopped and shook his head. “This is just ramblings of an old man, but sometimes I see things and...” He sat a moment his head hanging. “I see you and sense you have regrets and sorrows that you’re clinging to. Ask yourself if they’re worth it.”
Worth it? Though his first words rankled, she forced herself to listen, and a sense of possibility hung over her, nebulous but there.
“Please forgive me. How you live your life is none of my business. Birdie got in trouble nosing around other people’s lives, and I’m doing the same thing.”
She touched his arm and squeezed. “El, you’re not a gossip. You’re not spreading rumors. You’re talking to me like a father might. That’s something I never had.” The admission spilled ice water through her body. “You’re right. I had a bad marriage, and I have other issues that formed my judgment. Marrying again is basically not a possibility. I guess the reality makes me a little empty...and what you just said. Lonely.”
“Nothing could be so bad it stops you from falling in love again. Are you sure marriage is out of the question?”
His tender look rent her heart. “I’m sure. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to talk about it. I know how I feel, and I think that’s how it will be.” Without warning, her gaze flashed back down the block toward Doug’s. Her pulse skipped when she spotted him outside with Kimmy.
“Then I’ll pray for you to find an answer to your problem, Nina. Do you pray?”
His question stopped her. She almost felt ashamed to answer him. “I’ve never learned to pray.”
“You don’t learn it, Nina. What are we doing right now?”
She eyed him, trying to decipher what he meant. Thoughts surged. They had talked about the flowers, her attitude toward marriage. “We’ve talked about a lot of things.”
“Yes. That’s it.”
“That’s it?” Her head spun. “Talking?”
“Yep. Prayer is just talking to God. Tell Him about your day. Ask Him for answers to your questions. Thank Him for His blessings. And then listen.”
“Listen? That’s the thing about prayer I don’t understand. God doesn’t speak. They say He’s there. You know, sort of like the wind is there. We can’t see it, but we feel it or we can see what it does.”
“Yep, you got it. You can’t see Him, but you can feel Him if you open your heart, but then that takes trust.”
“It’s hard to trust something or someone you don’t know.” She brushed a curl from her face.
“But it’s not impossible. Think about things that you trust even though you don’t know why or don’t have the details. You trust your employer will pay you. Why? Because he said he would.”
She shook her head. That was a given. Wasn’t it? Maybe not. “You trust the sun will come up in the morning. Even if it’s behind a cloud, you know it’s there.”
“But that’s nature. It’s always been that way.”
“So has God, Nina. He was there before the sun was made.”
A frown wrenched her face even though she tried to stop it.
“Do you have a Bible?”
Her back tensed. “No.”
“I have Margie’s. I think she’d like you to have it.”
“Margie?”
“My wife’s name. Marjorie. Most people called her Marge, but she was always Margie to me.” A tender sweetness spread across his face.
The look touched her. “El, I couldn’t take your wife’s Bible.”
“Why? She doesn’t need it, Nina. She’s sitting up there listening to the Lord, and He tells her all she needs to know. She’s in her glory.” He chuckled. “In her glory in Glory.” He nodded as if he’d settled on an agreement with himself.
“But it’s precious to you. A keepsake.”
“It’s more precious to me if someone’s using it.” He shifted on the seat, causing it to glide back and then forward. “Now I know you’re not a Bible reader, but if you have questions or if you’re curious, you can check the concordance and look up the exact topic you’d like to know about.”
“You mean an index?”
He pushed himself forward again but this time he rose. “You can call it that. It’s right inside. Hang on a minute.”
Before she could react, he headed toward the house on a mission. She’d never seen him move so fast. She lowered her head, sorting through all that had happened. Somehow she’d moved from flowers to faith without knowing how. Maybe that was one of those God things people talked about.
Guilt rattled up her spine. If she took his Bible, realizing she had little choice, what would make her read it? The possibility wavered over her.
“Here you go.”
She jerked, unaware El had returned.
He extended the worn-looking Bible, and not knowing how to refuse, she grasped it. Hoping to make him happy, she opened it to the back and flipped through the topics with verses listed underneath—hardship, loyalty, prayer. She turned the pages back. Faith. She eyed the long row of verses. The first she spotted was Matthew 17:22. She eyed the preview. He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth...” The example stopped her cold. What? What was the truth?
“Is something wrong, Nina?”
She drew her head upward. “No. Not at all. I was thinking, I guess.”
“Nothing wrong with that. I’m not rushing you. You have God’s Word in your hands if you have any questions, and though I don’t have all the answers, you’re always welcome to ask me anything.”
She rose, clutching the book, and gathered her wits. “Thank you, El. And I feel bad taking your—”
“It’s an honor, Nina. Margie is smiling in heaven.” His face brightened. “I know she’s smiling.”
How could she refuse his generous gift? “Thank you, El. May I kiss your cheek?”
“I’d love that, Nina.”
She leaned forward and pressed her lips on his soft cheek. “Thank you for everything. I’ll take your flower advice, and I promise... I’ll keep the book handy. I’m sure one day—”
“I’m sure you will.” His smile broadened. “I’m anxious to see those flowers, too.”
The best part for now was the flowers. She was anxious to get to a nursery. Most plants were probably on sale, she hoped, and she’d save money as well as adorn her flower beds.
Hope. That had been a rare word in her vocabulary, but El’s certainty that she would read the Bible made her grin. That was hope. And she had faith, too, but different. If she planted flowers in the fall, she had faith they would blossom in the spring or summer.
She tucked the Bible under her arm and headed down the sidewalk, aware that Doug and Kimmy were on the other side. Although her mind was as ragged as it had been when she stepped outside, a sense of peace had sneaked into her being. Though it would be short-lived, something about El gave her a sense of security and hope. Hope? She’d had so little, but today she had a touch of it.
As she drew closer to Doug, her peace sank into confusion. She could hardly ignore him, but what could she say? She marched along, wishing he wouldn’t notice her.
Doug sat on a porch step keeping an eye on Kimmy working on her first school project collecting bugs. Offering science classes seemed a little early for second graders. But what did he know? He shook his head, hoping Kimmy didn’t get stung or bit by something, but her search was in the name of homework so he didn’t say a word.
Trying to be a good father-type for Kimmy, he usually joined her in projects, but today his thoughts weighted him down. He’d done something to upset Nina. His questions had been too personal for her, he guessed. Something...
When he looked up, his heart stopped. Nina appeared across the street like a vision, but he knew she was real. Her long hair hung to her shoulders in waves. It fluttered in the breeze, and he longed to brush it from her cheek. He faltered, unsure of what he wanted to do.
When she glanced his way, he raised his hand, a natural instinct that he hadn’t monitored. Anticipating she’d ignore his greeting, his chest constricted when she crossed the street. Though curious where she’d been, he wouldn’t ask. That question could be too personal, also.
“I noticed you outside with Kimmy. How are you?”
He wanted to tell her he was confused, but he changed his answer to something safe. “Good. The weather motivated me to come outside.”
She strode up to Kimmy. “What are you looking for?”
“Bugs.” She grinned.
“Bugs. Hmm? Any special reason or are you just curious?”
“School started and I’m in the second grade.”
“Second grade. And you have to find bugs.” Nina tilted her head.
“Homework.” Kimmy’s face glowed. “It’s for our science class.”
“Did you find any ladybugs?” Nina looked at the insects in Kimmy’s jar.
“Those ones who fly away home ’cuz their house is on fire?”
The girl’s face lit with a smile, and Nina grinned. “I’m sure those are the ones.”
Kimmy shook her head. “I only found two ants, a fly and something with lots of legs.” She held up her jar with air holes punched in the lid.
“I have ladybugs at my house. They like flowers, and even though I have only a few blossoms, I see insects there.”
Doug watched, amazed at Nina’s lighthearted banter with no hint of anger. Still, she was talking with Kimmy, not him. But she’d stopped by and that was something.
“Uncle Doug, can I go to Nina’s and get some ladybugs?” She gave him a beseeching look.
He couldn’t hold back his grin. “I don’t want to hinder research. I suppose you can if Nina doesn’t mind.”
Nina tousled Kimmy’s hair. “Come down whenever you’d like. I’m home for the evening.”
He opened his mouth but sat speechless.
“Doug.” Nina closed the distance and sat beside him, running her fingers through her hair. “I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for the way I acted on Friday.”
“You don’t owe me—”
“I owe you respect and friendship. You’ve been kind, and I enjoyed your company until my fortress rose to shield me. It does that sometimes without my realizing it. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”
Although her fortress aroused his curiosity, relief flooded him, and he released a strangled breath. “Thank you. I don’t need to forgive you, but I will. We all let our protective devices appear sometimes. I’ve done it myself. You know I question my ability with...” He feared Kimmy would hear her name so he tilted his head. “I would love to have confidence in my parenting skills. Women seem to have those built in.”
Nina’s crooked grin preceded her head shake. “We are frightened, too, Doug. Women know they’re supposed to have inborn motherly instincts, but that’s a myth. We cover up our worries and plow ahead. We read books and ask friends who won’t think we’re silly. In a way, it’s like anything new. We do the best we can. Whatever you’ve done, Doug, has been right from all I see. Kimmy seems happy and healthy. You can’t ask for more.”
As if she’d heard her name, Kimmy came skipping toward them. “Can we go now?”
“We have company, my girl.”
“But we can take her along.” She beckoned to them.
Nina grinned. “Thank you for inviting me to join you.”
Missing the point, Kimmy gave her a big smile. “You’re welcome.”
He gulped down his chuckle and patted Nina’s hand. “Sorry. I think it takes a few years for a sense of humor to develop.”
“It’s funnier that way.” Nina rose and extended her hand. “Friends.”
“Positively.”
“Good. Now I’d better go home since I’m expecting company.” She stepped toward Kimmy, but he stopped her.
“What’s in your hand?”
She glanced down as if she’d forgotten.
“It looks like a—”
“Bible.” She took a step closer. “It was El’s wife’s. He wanted me to have it since I don’t own one.”
His back straightened. “Did you mind?”
She shook her head. “I would expect nothing less from him. He lives his faith. I’ve never learned what that is, and I suppose he thought he would help me understand.”
He didn’t know what to say so he just gave a nod.
“I’ll see you later, right?”
“For sure. Kimmy has her heart set on it.” So did he.
Nina gave a wave and returned to Kimmy’s side. She gave her a pat and whispered something in her ear before heading home.
He watched her go, both relieved and confused. He couldn’t be happier to see her with the Bible, and he prayed she would look inside and grow in faith. He should do the same with all his doubts and worries. And maybe his new concern was one of those useless worries. Though something about Nina was lovely and intriguing, something else still blocked her from living fully. That’s what he sensed, and it saddened him.