19

Leningrad, Russia

"So?" Feodora shook her awake by kicking the legs on her cot roughly.

"Go away, Fe!" Tanya closed her eyes and sank beneath her scratchy blanket, wishing she could just disappear under the covers and forget everything.

"Come on, Tawnie. It wasn't that bad, was it?"

"Yes!" Tanya bolted upward and threw a pillow at Feodora before she raced down the steps to relieve herself. "It was that bad." Downstairs, Tanya quickly used the outhouse but stopped herself in the muddy yard before returning inside.

The sun peeked out behind tiny white clouds, making a perfect backdrop for the bright yellow and orange leaves that had changed to their new fall color. The morning air cooled her skin, and a chill ran down her bare arms. Overhead, the shrill of an unfamiliar bird called. The breeze whispered of promises.

If only her mood matched the beauty of the day.

Tugging her sweater closer, Tanya yawned deeply. She was exhausted. Last night, she had tossed and turned for hours, stifling the realization that she would never again be the woman she had tried so hard to be. It was all lost now. Her innocence.Her resolve. And any hope for a different life.

"Lord, what have I done?" A reminiscent prayer sneaked into her heart before she had the chance to push it back. She could hardly pray to a God she didn't believe in, could she?

Pray, no. But she could think. What had she done? She’d sold her kisses for cash, that's what. What would Nicolai think of that? Well, he wasn't here now, was he? And the Tanya Egerov who grew up on Tverskya Street and went to mass every Sunday with her beloved husband wasn't either. That Tanya Egerov had stayed in her tiny apartment in Moscow next to her dead husband and her dreams.

The new Tanya was a bit more streetwise—enough to realize that if she didn't figure out a way to make money, she would die on the cold Leningrad streets—and her baby would die with her.

Was last night really that bad? Feodora's question came to her as if spoken by a tiny voice in the wind.

"No. It wasn't that bad," Tanya whispered back.

Swallowing the tinge of guilt that crept into her throat, Tanya patted her belly. She would do anything for this baby, even if it meant spending another evening with good old officer so-and-so. And if she was being entirely honest, waking up with a full belly and a pocket full of rubles hadn't exactly felt bad. Why should she suffer and starve for an archaic set of morals because she had once believed in a God whom she was no longer sure existed?

Regardless, she would have to stifle all of her emotions and do something to earn money if she wanted this baby to survive.

A plan formulated in her mind as she trudged up the stairs. If she could attend a few more officers’ balls in the weeks to come, maybe she would have enough to ride out the remainder of her pregnancy in the Azoz Sanatoria. With bread to eat and a place to sleep, the baby at least had a chance at survival.

Tanya plopped down on Feodora's cot and forced a trembling smile. "So, Feodora, know of any other officer's balls coming up?"

Feodora studied her with probing eyes and pulled a flask out from under her pillow. Taking a big swig, she offered it to Tanya.

"Why not?" Tanya grabbed it and choked down a swig, wincing at the slow burn as it trickled down her throat.

"Are you sure, Tawnie?" Feodora clearly understood that a line had been crossed.

"I need the money. And if that means spending a few evenings pretending with an officer or two, I'm willing."

Feodora's eyes narrowed to tiny slits. Her mouth opened and shut several times before she finally whispered. "There's no going back. Ever."

Tanya's gaze shot up, widening as she realized what Feodora was thinking. "I don't want to…" She couldn't say the word.

Feodora shook her head. "And I hope you never have to. But sometimes it comes with the territory. Not all men are as understanding as Lieutenant Pudovkin."

"What if I just say I'm an escort, nothing more? They will respect my boundaries, won't they?"

"Sometimes, yes." Feodora looked as though she was about to cry.

Was Feodora talking about rape? These were officers in the Red Army. They weren't raping the women whom they were inviting out on social occasions, were they?

Tanya looked up at Feodora with glistening eyes. "Fe, no…"

"Sometimes these things don't turn out like you would hope. I once thought I would earn enough money to survive by going out to nice dinners and sharing an occasional kiss. It didn't turn out as I had hoped."

Tanya clutched one hand into the other. Was it worth the risk? Maybe Feodora's experience wasn't typical. She would be extra careful.

"I'm not telling you not to do it, but I'm just telling you to think hard before you make any decisions."

"I don't have time to think hard, Fe. I'll start showing in a few months, so if I want to earn enough money to survive this pregnancy, I have to do it now."

Feodora's eyes flickered with an odd mixture of regret and hope. Clearly, she was trying to help Tanya. Who wanted to watch her friend starve to death? But Fe also seemed to feel guilty for leading her down this path.

Tanya was done with guilt. And hunger. "Come on, Feodora. Give me one more chance to show you that I can do this. You won't regret it. You are saving my life. No, you're saving my baby's life."

"OK." The word came out slowly, as if Feodora wanted with all of her being to say no. "Yes, I'll do it. Let me send a message to Lieutenant Dubrovskiy down at the base and let him know that I have a friend. He'll get the word out. I bet I can get you a date for tonight if you want one."

"Yes. I do." The words stuck in Tanya's mouth, filling her throat with acid. Feodora was right, there was no going back. Of course, if going back meant going back to the way she had lived the last few weeks, she wasn't sure she wanted to.

It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore.