66

Kalajoki, Finland

"Here goes nothing, Kai." Anna straightened her blue silk dress and set her comb aside after one final check in the mirror.

"No, here goes something. I've seen how he looks at you, Anna. He still loves you."

"I hope so." Anna sighed and then looked toward the hayloft to assess their work. Earlier in the day, Kaino had helped her spread out a woolen blanket on the floor. Around the blanket, they had set dozens of logs upright and on each one sat a tiny wax candle. Now that the candles were lit, the barn flickered with romantic energy.

They didn't have much as far as food was concerned—the entire town of Kalajoki was strictly rationing for the long winter ahead—but Anna had managed to convince her mother to give her a small jar of honey and a pint of flour to make a honey cake. That, with a small tin of pickled herring and some rye crisps, would have to do for their picnic.

"Anna?" Kaino's voice broke into her thoughts.

She turned to her good friend.

"Should I go get him?"

"What if he says no?"

Kaino put her hand on her shoulder. "You'll never know if—"

"—if I don't try." Anna took a deep breath. "All right, go get him, Kai."

Kaino kissed her cheek. "I'll be praying, Anna."

"Kai?"

"Yes?" She turned back.

"Thank you."

The barn door slammed shut, leaving Anna alone in the flickering candlelight. What if he turned around and walked out when he saw her in here? Or worse, what if he laughed at her? Told her that he had never loved her anyway?

"Stop it," she scolded herself.

Lord, I love him so much. Please give me the words to show him how I feel so that maybe…maybe he'll give me another chance.

Anna's prayer was interrupted by the creaking of the barn door. Her heart jumped into her throat and she quickly pulled her trembling hands to her sides to keep them from shaking. She had planned this entire evening but hadn't thought about what she would say at this moment.

Just be honest. Kai's advice from earlier echoed in her heart. Just tell him the truth.

"Anna?" Matti's tall frame came into view.

"Matti…" His name came out wispy, sticking in her throat as if caught on her overpowering emotions.

Matti's gaze flew to the candles and then back to her and back to the candles, a look of confusion clouding his blue eyes. "What's this, Anna?"

"Matti…I….I'm so sorry." Her words began to spill out, unedited. "I never wanted to leave you, and I was so stupid to apply for that visa without telling you first. I'm so sorry."

He pulled his hands from his pants pockets and took her hand. "I told you that I forgive you, Anna. But that doesn't change the fact that you're leaving."

"What if I didn't go?"

His eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

"Kaino is going in my place. I want to stay here… to see if I can make things work with you." Anna hesitated. For a moment, she saw hope flicker on Matti's face. "I never wanted to hurt you. I have never loved anyone like you before. I missed you so much and got so lonely and I made a huge mistake. I wish I could go back…" Anna's words gushed out unfettered in a rush of emotions.

"I believe you, Anna." Matti's eyes reflected the pain in Anna's, showing her that he still carried feelings for her. "But what about the war? What if you get restless again?"

"I'll wait, Matti.” She jerked her hands from his and clasped them together. “I'll wait for you as long as it takes."

He pursed his lips and inhaled deeply. Closing his eyes, he blew out a breath and Anna knew he was praying. Then, he opened his eyes. "Anna," he choked out. "I love you. But I don't think I can ever be the man you want. You were born wild at heart. I don't think you'll ever be content with me."

"No!" she cried. "I can be…I am…"

But Matti pulled her toward him and kissed her gently on the head. He stepped away, shaking his head slowly. "I wish I could say yes, but I can't put my heart through that again."

She swallowed the flurry of hope she had felt all day. Heat rose to her cheeks. He truly didn't love her anymore. Turning to look at the flickering candles, she suddenly felt desperate to escape the barn and go somewhere where her emotions weren't like open wounds.

She looked up at Matti and saw a glistening in his eyes. He too ached for what could've been.

But it was too late.

She turned and raced from the barn, up the path toward the familiar farmhouse where she had grown up. As she took the front stairs two at a time and fell into her mother's waiting arms, she realized for the first time that despite all of her efforts to get away from home, this was the only place where she felt truly safe and loved.

And on a day like today, she needed the refuge of home more than ever before.