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Sara
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I’m a mess. I can’t believe I let myself fall for him. Obviously, she got pregnant before I even met him, but she can’t exactly be a one-night stand either. She knew where he lived and she knew his family. He said he hadn’t had a girlfriend in a long time, so what does that make her? I threw up in the bathroom at Jason’s parents’ house. I threw up a few more times at Bree’s house. Every time I think about Jason with that girl, I feel like I’m going to throw up again and again.
We stayed at Bree’s house until she deemed me well enough to ride in the back of Christian’s truck back to Portland with them. When I got home, I was thankful to find a note from Liz telling me she was staying at Blake’s and she would see me after classes tomorrow. There’s no way I was going to class, but no one needed to know that except me. When she walked in last night, I told her I didn’t feel well right before I locked myself in my room for the rest of the night. I know she didn’t really believe me, but since I wasn’t eating and I’ve been throwing up, what choice did she have?
Today, she’s done pretending. Liz pounds on my bedroom door relentlessly. “Sara, let me in! I’m done with your sulking I want to know what’s wrong.” I sigh, staring at my door as she continues knocking relentlessly. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m done for the day and Blake is working at the outlets. You’re stuck with me, even if I have to annoy the crap out of you!”
“Ugh, fine!” I groan. I roll off my bed and stomp to my door, unlock it and let her in. Relieved to hear the pounding stop, I trudge back to my bed and flop down with a defeated sigh. “What? Why are you so obsessed to get into my room to talk to me?” I inquire with exasperation. “I’m not much fun when I’m sick,” I add as my last shot attempt to maintain my lie.
Liz raises her eyebrows at me in challenge, telling me she knows I’m lying. “What’s wrong? I have never seen you this visibly upset, not even when you and Brad broke up.” I cringe at the sound of his name. “Did something happen with Jason?”
I gulp and reply throatily, “Yeah.”
She sits on the corner of my bed and puts her hand on my ankle in comfort. “What happened, Sara? Please talk to me,” she pleads when I don’t respond. I sigh in resignation and scoot myself back to make more room for her. She arranges herself more comfortably on my bed and waits for me to say something.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath to gather my courage to speak. “I never meant to like him so much, Liz,” I confess brokenly.
“Oh sweetie, it’s okay,” she claims. She leans towards me trying to encourage me.
I shake my head, insisting, “Not really. I really fell for him, Liz. I’ve never fallen that hard for anyone. Not even Brad.”
Liz bites her lip before she tells me, “I understand, Sara. That’s how I feel about Blake.”
I look her in the eyes and I see the truth in them. Now I finally get it. I really understand what they have. The only difference is with them, Blake feels the same way. “I’m not meant to have something like you guys have,” I whisper painfully.
Liz’s mouth drops open in shock. “What? Why?”
I shake off her surprise, having never said anything like this to her in all our years as friends. “I’m meant to have a relationship that will help our family business,” I state and shrug like it doesn’t matter.
I didn’t think Liz’s eyes could go any wider, but they do. “You can’t possibly mean that!” Liz screams at me.
I nod my head in affirmation. “I do, but it doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter,” she insists. “You deserve to be happy and have something wonderful like what I have with Blake. Something I don’t think I would have if it wasn’t for you, so yeah, you deserve to have that! What happened with Jason to make you say these things?” she questions incredulously.
I shake my head again in denial. “I’m saying these things because that’s the way things are for me,” I claim, sighing in defeat. “As for what happened with Jason,” I flinch as his name passes over my lips, “he has responsibilities that have nothing to do with me and I don’t think I can be around for any of it.” Her eyes scrunch together in confusion and I further explain, “We went to his parents’ house for a quick visit and there was a very pregnant gorgeous girl there waiting for him.” A few tears slip out and I quickly wipe them away as I notice Liz’s attempt to hold back her gasp. “Bree and Christian brought me back,” I enlighten her.
Liz takes a few moments to gather her thoughts and composure before speaking. “Have you talked to Jason?” she finally asks cautiously. I shake my head in response. “He hasn’t tried to call you?” she prods appearing surprised.
I wince. “He has, I just can’t answer. I don’t want to talk to him,” I admit as I begin to cry full force again. “I...I can’t hear him tell me about another girl. A girl it seems is going to have his child soon,” I gasp brokenly. “How am I supposed to do that?”
“Oh Sara, I’m so sorry,” she murmurs and wraps her arms around me. She rubs my back just like Jason does when he tries to comfort me making me squeeze my eyes shut even tighter.
“Why does every little thing remind me of him?” I prod practically begging her for an answer. “You’re right, Liz, nothing about Jason and me has been anything like Brad and I ever were, but maybe that’s my problem. It hurts so much,” I cry, attempting to rub the ache away in my chest.
When I calm down enough, I pull away from her. She grabs onto my hands and tries to look me in the eyes when she advises, “I know you’re not quite ready yet, but you need to talk to Jason. You don’t know the story. You can’t just ignore him. Start by listening to him. I’m not saying let him tell you anything and take him back, I’m saying get the truth out of him and then make your decisions. You deserve that. Only you can decide what you want and what’s best for you, but how can you do that without hearing all the facts?” she prompts.
I push my hands into my face to relieve some of the pressure from crying. “I know you’re right, but I’m scared Liz. I keep fretting over every little possibility. I don’t know if I can handle the truth. What’s going to happen? If he’s going to be a dad and it’s someone else’s kid,” I gulp down the painful lump in my throat, “I just can’t,” I sob.
Liz squeezes my hand in support. “I know you’re scared Sara, but you have to at least talk to him. You’re making yourself sick over this!” She lets me cry in her arms continuing to comfort me and attempt to calm me down.
Eventually, I sigh in defeat. “Fine, I know you’re right. I’ll talk to him.” Liz gives me a small smile of encouragement before I add, “I can’t today. I’ll answer him tomorrow.”
Liz nods in acceptance. “Okay. Can I get you something to eat?” she offers. I groan and shake my head in disgust. The thought of eating makes my stomach turn. She grimaces but accepts my answer. “Do you want to watch a movie with me then?” I shrug my shoulders and she jump at my reluctant response. “I’ll go pick one out and make some popcorn. Just bring your blanket and a pillow,” she instructs before running out of the room.
I do as she says, slowly trudging to the couch and curling myself up into a ball, attempting to protect myself. I mindlessly stare at the TV screen, barely even seeing the images that pass in front of me. The movie ends in what feels like seconds as well as days if that’s even possible. She puts a second movie in before she drops back to the opposite end of the couch.
The doorbell rings causing my whole body to go rigid. Liz takes one look at me and offers, “I’ll get it,” swiftly pushing herself off the couch.
“No,” I yell instinctively reaching for her arm. Her eyebrows shoot to her hairline as she looks at me like I’ve lost my mind.
“Sara, it’s me, Jason. I know you’re home. Please talk to me,” he begs agonizingly through the door. If possible, my heart breaks a little more the moment I hear his voice sounding so broken.
I shake my head, begging, “I can’t Liz. Not yet.” I look at her pleading with my eyes.
She nods in acknowledgement. “Okay, Sara, just let me answer the door.” I let her go and watch her as she strides away. I hold my breath, close my eyes and attempt to listen for his voice over the pounding of my heart.
“Hey Liz, I need to talk to Sara,” he demands.
“She doesn’t want to see you, Jason,” she tells him honestly.
“Please, I just need time to tell her, to explain. She has to give me the time.” He sounds incredibly insistent, even desperate. All I want to do is jump off this couch and into his arms, but I can’t.
“Try calling her tomorrow, maybe she’ll pick up,” she suggests.
I hear his groan of frustration and defeat. “Tell her,” I hear him pause and I strain to hear his last words, “No, I’ll tell her when I see her. Just tell her I’m thinking about her. I’m not giving up on us,” he proclaims.
I hear Liz mumble, “Bye, Jason,” just before I hear the click of our door. I listen to her footsteps approaching me, inhaling a shaky breath. “You sure you don’t want to see him today?” she prods cautiously. I shrug my shoulders in response keeping my eyes closed. “Okay,” she concurs, thankfully giving me the quiet I need right now.
I wake up, my entire body aching with tension. I try moving my head from side to side to get the kinks out before stretching my stiff legs and arms out in front of me. I finally pry open my eyes to a view of my living room. “I fell asleep on the couch,” I groan in pain.
“Yup,” I hear from somewhere close. I peak over the back of the couch and find Liz standing over me with a bowl of cereal in her hands. “I didn’t want to wake you. I was afraid you wouldn’t go back to sleep and you really needed the rest.”
I whine, “But now my body hurts.”
“That’s not completely from sleeping on the couch,” she states reminding me of why I’m curled so tightly in a ball, Jason. Even the thought of his name makes my stomach flip.
I hear my cell phone ringing from my bedroom and I pull my covers over my head. “Ugh!” I still don’t want to face reality.
“It’s been ringing for the past three hours. Maybe you should answer it,” she suggests. I pull the covers down, glaring at her. She responds by prompting me, “You promised.”
I grunt, “Fine!”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I watch as Liz runs to the table in the kitchen, sets her bowl down, runs into my room and quickly back out. Stepping up to me, she holds my phone out to me with her eyebrows raised in challenge.
I glare at her again when I jerk it away from her. “Who was calling all morning anyway?” she asks innocently.
“Jason,” I grumble even though we both know what the answer to that question was without looking. Just whispering his name makes my heart ache.
“Call him,” she encourages me again.
I look at her and then back to my phone. Instead of calling him back, I hit my messages and type out a quick text without reading any of the ones he sent in the last few days and there are a lot.
If you still want to talk, I’ll come to you. What time?
I’m not surprised he immediately texts me back.
As soon as you can get here. I’ll be waiting for you.
Ok.
I answer not giving him a time. I have to shower and clean myself up, but he said he’d wait for me. I’ll be there before he has to leave for his shift at the pub. If I remember correctly, he goes in at 4 today. I hear another text come through, but I don’t even bother looking. I drop my phone on the couch instead.
“So?” Liz prods inquisitively.
“I’m going to his place to talk to him,” I respond quietly, my stomach twisting into knots.
“Good! I can make you something to eat while you shower,” she offers.
I shake my head, refusing, “That’s okay, I’m not really hungry.” I shove myself up off the couch and stretch my sore body. I stiffly walk towards the bathroom to clean myself up.
“You have to eat something,” Liz pleads with me. “You’ve barely eaten anything in three days!”
She’s right, so instead of worrying her more, I accept her offer. “Fine, make me something. But keep it light. My stomach is still really queasy,” I admit.
I step into the bathroom and close the door quickly behind me. I turn on the shower and strip down before assessing myself critically in the mirror. I don’t like what I see reflected back at me. “Brad is right,” I whisper as a tear escapes. I turn towards the shower feeling completely hollow inside. I don’t want to hear what Jason has to say because I know I’ll have to give him up when our conversation is over.
I just know it! That’s the last thing I want.
I always knew I never deserved something good like this.
