I met Ashleigh when I was sixteen and she was fifteen. Her family had recently moved from Tauranga, and her father had joined our judo club as a senior instructor. I’d stayed behind after the session one night for a grading. Geoff Marlow had awarded me a blue belt, two below black. I was planning to dye my green belt as soon as I got home, had already bought the dye in preparation. My judo gi was second hand, and my mother couldn’t afford to buy me new belts every time I moved up a grade.
I’d taken off my sweat-soaked jacket, was about to head to the changing room when Geoff had said ‘Hi darling’. He’d draped an arm around a girl with waist-length blonde hair and blue eyes accentuated by expertly applied make-up. ‘Alex, this is Ashleigh, my daughter.’
‘Hi Alex.’ I hadn’t missed how her eyes had raked over my bare torso.
My face flaming, I’d said ‘Nice to meet you’, and taken off. As far as I was concerned, she was way out of my league, considering her old man was a hot-shot lawyer and they lived in a massive house with a swimming pool.
Nevertheless, that night I’d stood in front of the bathroom mirror in my pyjama bottoms, trying to see myself through Ashleigh’s eyes. I was taller than average and my chest was starting to broaden, but I didn’t have any chest hairs at all. Did it matter?
After that, Ashleigh turned up for the last fifteen minutes or so of every judo session I attended, which at that stage was three times a week. She’d even taken a photo of her dad and me sparring. I told myself it was her father she wanted the photo of, but secretly hoped she had an ulterior motive.
‘She’s a hottie,’ Dallas, one of my partners, had muttered. At least eighty per cent of my class were guys, and at least half of them would start showing off when Ashleigh turned up. But to my delight it was my company she began to seek out at the end of each session, me she wanted to sit with in the parking lot while we waited for her dad to finish up. We told each other our secrets. We gave each other our hearts.
When the New Zealand National Judo Tournament rolled around, Ashleigh travelled to Wellington with her father and stayed to watch all my fights. That was the day I first kissed her, felt her body soften beneath my touch. Six months later, we lost our virginity to each other.
That was the first time I fell in love.
For the next five days, I busied myself with lectures, judo, running and trying to avoid Ashleigh as much as possible. I’ve got a cold, I messaged her. Don’t want to give it to you.
It wasn’t so easy to distract myself in the early hours, though, when I lay awake, thinking about Ronnie. On Monday night, we exchanged messages, which did nothing to help my insomnia.
Xander: Want to go for another drive?
Ronnie: I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.
Xander: Didn’t you like the last one?
Ronnie: Yes. That’s the problem.
Xander: I don’t see why it’s a problem if we both enjoyed ourselves.
Ronnie: It’s a problem while you’re in a long-term relationship with someone else. And don’t tell me it’s complicated.
Xander: OK. But.
I stared at the three dots that showed she was typing for ages after that, but nothing ever came through. An hour later, I sent her another message.
Xander: I’ve only known you for two weeks.
My phone dinged almost immediately.
Ronnie: Exactly.
Xander: For all I know, you could be a serial killer.
Ronnie: Ha ha. That’s Harrison, remember?
Xander: How IS your token male flatmate?
Ronnie: I think if Ashleigh winds him up any more, he’ll probably leave. Or, yeah, shoot us all followed by himself.
Xander: Poison’s far less messy, so I hear.
Ronnie: I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.
Xander: I love that we’re having this conversation.
Xander: What are you listening to?
Ronnie: How do you know I’m listening to anything?
Xander: Why wouldn’t you be?
Ronnie: I’m listening to Amy Shark’s ‘Adore’.
Xander: That’s angsty.
Ronnie: Helps me sleep.
Xander: I reckon I could help with that too.
Ronnie: I think you’re wrong.
Xander: I think you need to give me a chance.
No reply. That was Monday. On Tuesday night, I sent Ronnie another message: How about that drive? There was no reply until Thursday morning, when an incoming ping at 6 a.m. woke me from a dream in which Ashleigh’s father was giving me a gigantic diamond ring to propose to Ashleigh with. The worst thing about the dream was that it seemed like a premonition, something that could easily happen within a year.
Ronnie: What does giving you a chance mean?
I rubbed sleep out of my eyes, rolled onto my side to type: I want to get to know you better. That’s all.
Ronnie: I generally like to date guys who have one girlfriend at a time.
Xander: Like I said, give me a chance.
Xander: It’s not what you think.
Xander: Sometimes there are things in your life that you can’t control.
It wasn’t a surprise when Ronnie didn’t reply. On Friday night, once Ashleigh was asleep in my bed — there was only so long I could fob her off with a fake cold — I wrote: Hope you’re coming to our flat party tomorrow. I told Ashleigh to invite you.
Ronnie: She did.
Xander: And are you coming?
Ronnie: Maybe.
Xander: Do you think I’m a sleaze?
Xander: At least give me a chance to show you a better version of myself.
That was the end of that conversation too. Of course, I’d never know it was the end until an hour later, when I was still awake, second-guessing everything I or Ronnie had said.
I sent her one last message, I think you’re just as lonely as I am, then wished I could suck it back. I got out of bed, made myself a cup of tea and sat on the doorstep, staring out into the night.
I’d never felt so out of control.
Saturday night. Our party had grown from a sedate twenty-odd people sitting around on the front lawn to probably a hundred spilling in and out of the flat.
‘Hey mate, have you decided where you want to go next year?’ Yoda was propped against the side of the house. The sun had left the valley half an hour ago, and there was only a faint salmon tinge in the darkening sky.
I dangled my legs over the side of the porch. ‘Guess I’ll stay here.’ Next year our class would split into three, each third going to Wellington, Christchurch and Dunedin clinical schools.
‘Because Ashleigh doesn’t want you to leave, right? But where do you want to go?’
I swirled beer around the bottom of my cup. ‘Wellington sounds cool.’
‘Yeah, that’s where I want to go, Jack too. We’ll miss you, man.’ Feeling a nudge against my neck, I turned my head to see a disembodied hand on my shoulder.
‘Je-sus!’ I threw it at him and it bounced to the ground.
‘Ha ha, that got you, didn’t it?’ Yoda picked it up and whacked me on the butt. ‘It’s rubber, man, relax.’
‘You’re such a dick.’ I was in no mood for his stupid jokes, especially after that last comment. Why was everyone assuming I’d always do exactly what Ashleigh wanted me to do? ‘Maybe I’ll apply anyway, see what happens.’
‘And face the wrath of Ashleigh?’ Yoda asked.
‘She’ll get over it.’ I turned away, but it wasn’t Ashleigh I was looking for. Ronnie was sitting on a disintegrating couch on the lawn, wedged between Skye and a girl I vaguely recognised from the year below. She was smiling in that cautious way of hers, as if worried that someone was going to slap her for being happy. When I turned back, Yoda was grossing someone else out with the hand. I strolled around the yard, past Nisha and her Van, who were smoking joints near the letterbox, and cut a circuitous route towards the couch, stopping to chat to a couple of people on the way.
‘Hey.’ I sank down next to Ronnie, glad Skye had left. The springs had gone, and my butt hung so low it nearly touched the ground.
‘Hey.’ Ronnie was holding a bottle of cider in one hand, a sausage in bread in the other.
‘I should get myself one of those,’ I said, acutely aware of her thigh against mine. Her cast was decorated with signatures and witty sayings; including ‘Most people exist, that is all’ written in looping script near her ankle. I had a feeling half the quote had been missed. If not, then that was depressing.
What did you do last year?
Existed, I guess.
‘Skye got it for me,’ Ronnie said. ‘You can have it if you want. I’m not really hungry after all the chips.’
I thanked her, though I didn’t really feel like eating either. Desire and nerves were curdling my gut. ‘How’re things?’
‘Fine.’ She hadn’t moved her leg away. ‘I’m tired, though. I might go home soon.’
‘You need a lift?’
‘Not from you.’ She gestured at my beer.
‘It’s not far. Besides, this is only number three. They’re small cups.’
Ronnie hesitated, her eyes flicking around the yard. ‘Where’s Ashleigh?’
‘Last time I saw her, she was out back. My car’s on the road. I’ll meet you there, OK?’ I dug into my jeans pocket, gave her the keys. ‘I’m just going to the loo.’
Once I’d finally made it into the bathroom — after waiting behind two girls and a guy who looked as though he was halfway to passing out already — I locked the door, used the toilet and brushed my teeth. By the time I walked out to the road, it was almost dark, which I figured counted in my favour. Hopefully Ashleigh wouldn’t even know I was gone.
‘Sorry to keep you waiting.’
‘S’OK.’ Ronnie turned her phone over. ‘Big queue, was there?’
‘Yeah. It’s bad enough when it’s just me and my flatmates. I swear Jack’s reading War and Peace in there sometimes, or binge-watching Netflix on his phone.’ I cruised down the road, past the steepest street in Dunedin and towards the gardens. ‘Did you have a good time?’
‘Of course.’ She fiddled with an earring.
‘You don’t have to lie.’
Ronnie exhaled. ‘OK, I hardly knew anyone. It was fine while Skye was with me, and before that Nisha, but everyone else is only really interested in their friend groups.’
‘Takes a while to get to know people,’ I said.
‘Yep.’
‘How come you didn’t answer my message the other night?’
‘I did.’
I slowed for a pedestrian crossing. ‘Not all of them.’
She exhaled. ‘Because I was freaked out?’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Me too.’ We fell silent then, until we reached her house.
Ronnie looked up at the dark windows, like empty sockets in a skull. ‘I suppose you want to come in.’
‘Only if you want me to.’
‘I think I do.’ She opened the door. I waited a minute, then followed her inside. The house was quiet. Was everyone else out? I knew Nisha, Ashleigh and Skye were at the party. Harrison’s door was closed, but there was no music, no sign of life. Maybe he was out with his army mates, talking about guns or whatever they did when they got together.
‘After you,’ Ronnie said, pushing her door open.
‘No, after you.’ Once in her room, I stood against the closed door, watching Ronnie take off her denim jacket and sit on the bed.
‘We don’t have to do this,’ I said.
‘Too late now.’ She beckoned me over. I sat next to her and kissed her forehead, her eyelids, the tip of her nose. She tugged on my sweatshirt, and I peeled it off, my T-shirt with it, and pushed her back until she was lying beneath me. When I rested my head on her breast, I could hear her heart pounding, and when I slid my fingers inside her, I felt a pulse there too. Ronnie groaned and ground against my hand, and I kept it there as she moved faster and faster, until she shuddered and was still.
‘Please,’ she said, when I went to get dressed again. ‘Don’t leave.’ She sat up and pulled her dress over her head, then took off her underwear, struggling to get them over her cast. I helped her remove them before stripping naked, keeping my eyes on her the whole time.
‘Does it hurt?’ I asked when I pushed inside her, and she sucked in her breath.
‘No, it feels good,’ she said. ‘You feel good.’
‘You’re strangely beautiful, you know,’ I said, moving slowly, slowly.
‘You too,’ she said, and I smiled. I looked into her eyes when I came, which was something I’d never, ever done with Ashleigh, and she held my head, murmuring my name.
‘Call me Alex,’ I said. Ronnie stared at me for a moment, then said, ‘Alex, OK.’ If she’d asked, I’d have told her why: Xander was the name Ashleigh had given me, the person I’d grown into for her.
I traced a freckle on her upper thigh. ‘Does anyone ever call you Veronica?’
‘No. But you can.’ She rolled away from me, as much as she could with one leg in a cast.
‘Look what we just started,’ she said, once I’d put my jeans and top on. Her tone was one of resignation. I pulled the sheet over her naked curves, bent to kiss her on the mouth.
‘See you, Veronica,’ I said, feeling oddly close to tears, and left. My car clock told me I’d been in her room for half an hour. My whole world had shifted on its axis.