There are only two more days of exams and then I’m on holiday. Going anywhere near the med school would be impossible, though. No one knows what to say to me, and I don’t know what to say to them either. I don’t think I’d be able to compose any meaningful answers anyway. My brain’s on a permanent loop, windows and head injuries and threatening letters and blood on my hands.
The dean rings me when I’m driving home after dropping Ronnie off. I try not to look at the spot on the pavement where Ashleigh was lying that night, bleeding. It wasn’t so long since I was standing there, doing the same.
‘I’m very sorry to hear of your loss,’ the dean says, as if reading from a script. ‘Please be assured that we will take your circumstances into consideration for your exams.’
‘Thanks,’ I say, trying not to think about Ashleigh’s body being carved up in the mortuary. I’ve been to an autopsy. They do the head last, take the brain out and weigh it.
‘Let me know if there’s anything we can do. We can arrange counselling too, if you’d like.’
‘I don’t need it.’ Ronnie’s right. What good is rehashing it going to do? I need to forget the past two days, hell, the past few months. I needed to move on. ‘Thanks for calling.’
When I arrive home, Tess is in the kitchen, spreading peanut butter on toast. She’s wearing her usual study clothes, a onesie with a bunny tail and matching bunny slippers.
‘Hey, Xander.’ Her tone is so kind it makes me want to scream or crawl into a hole. Doesn’t she know this is all my fault? Of course she doesn’t, why would she?
‘Hey,’ I say, and retreat towards my bedroom, but Tess’s voice hooks me.
‘What’s happening with you and Ronnie?’
I halt. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Oh, come on, Xander, do you think I’m blind?’
My throat feels as though it’s about to close over. ‘How long have you known?’
‘Weeks.’ The look she gives me is pitying rather than scathing. ‘About as long as Ronnie’s been coming and going from your room.’
I rub my hand over my lips. They’re dry, and there’s a crack forming in the corner on the left. Stress, lack of sleep, bad eating and drinking habits. I’m falling apart. ‘Who else knows?’
‘Only me, as far as I know. I haven’t told anyone.’
‘Everything’s such a mess.’
‘I’m not judging you,’ Tess says. ‘I mean, I know she was kind of hard to be with.’ I sense she wants to say more, but either she wants to spare my feelings, or she doesn’t want to speak ill of the dead.
The dead. Jesus.
‘I wanted to break up with her way before she broke up with me.’ I look up. ‘Not that I’m going to be advertising that or anything.’
‘No …’ She plucks a bottle cap off the windowsill. ‘Do you think she knew?’
‘About me and Ronnie? I don’t think so. She would have said something. But she hasn’t — hadn’t — been herself for a few weeks. She was really paranoid, maybe even hearing things.’
Tess frowns. ‘Do you think she meant to …’
‘You mean, did she do it on purpose? Only Ashleigh could tell us that.’ I shuffle my feet. ‘Hey, do you remember that day I met you at the café, after you had that thing with Jack?’
Her eyes flicker. ‘Yeah.’
‘You were going to tell me something, but then Ash interrupted us.’
‘Oh.’ She shakes her head. ‘It doesn’t matter now.’
‘Maybe, but what was it?’
‘How long had you been wanting to break up with Ashleigh?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe a year.’ It’s a lie, but two years makes me sound really weak … doesn’t it? I don’t know anything anymore, don’t know what’s right and wrong, where my boundaries lie.
Did Ashleigh know about me and Ronnie, too? Is that why she did it? No, she’d want to make me pay. There’s something glimmering at the edges of my memory, a past conversation, but I can’t grasp it.
‘All right. So …’ Tess twists the zip on her onesie. ‘The reason why it didn’t work out with me and Jack is because I kind of had a crush on someone else.’
‘Who?’ I ask, and she just looks at me.
‘Oh.’ I flush. ‘I had no idea.’
Tess shrugs. ‘Obviously. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because you and Ronnie are …’ Her cheeks are red too. Awkward, awkward. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t say anything. Your secret’s safe with me.’
‘Uh, thanks. Sorry. And uh, yeah, cool.’ I flee to my room. It’s safe to say I didn’t see that coming at all.