Sweat was running into my eyes, soaking through my judo gi. I held up my arms, ready to grab my opponent’s jacket. Jared Brown was short, stocky and like a rabid dog when he got going — but he was beginning to tire. My right knee ached from when I’d gone down on it earlier in the day, and I’d strapped my left little finger to my fourth finger after it had dislocated, but the adrenaline pumping through me took the edges off the worst of it.
Brown turned in for a throw, harai goshi, but I slid over his leg and swung him backwards. He went down on his side, earning me a waza-ari, not enough to end the match. I wrapped my arm around his neck but he wriggled out, so I jumped up. The minute he came at me, I grabbed his jacket and planted my right foot on his left hip, lay down on my back and used his forward momentum to propel him over my head. The whack of Brown’s body hitting the mat told me I’d won even before the referee shouted ‘Ippon!’
I whooped and sprang to my feet. Beating Brown on his home turf, Christchurch, made my victory even sweeter.
‘Go, you good thing!’ Geoff Marlow yelled from the sideline. I bowed to Brown and stepped off the mat, nearly falling over when my knee gave way.
‘Let’s strap that up for you, huh?’ Geoff helped me over to a bench and began winding tape around my leg. The hall smelt like sweat and liniment, and echoed with cries from the referees, the judokas and the onlookers. I always enjoyed the National Judo Championships.
‘You were awesome.’ Ashleigh slung her arms around my neck from behind, and I tried not to tense up. I used to love how she cheered me on at every tournament, but now I wished it was Ronnie watching me, Ronnie congratulating me. ‘He never saw that coming.’
‘Well, maybe he did, but by then he was already a goner.’ Her father took some scissors out of his pocket and cut off the tape from the roll. ‘You got one more win left in you, Xan?’
‘Sure.’ I took the water bottle Ashleigh gave me, wondering how I was going to muster enough energy for the next fight.
Geoff nodded towards the mat in front of us, where Kyle Miller had just won a scrappy match against a brown belt from Wellington. ‘Looks as though Kyle’s as exhausted as you are.’ He tapped the side of his head. ‘It’s all up here from now on.’ He left us to greet a referee wearing a black jacket with the Olympic rings embossed over the right breast.
‘Want to come outside for some fresh air?’ Ashleigh sat beside me, crossing one denimed leg over the other. She stood out in her crisp white linen shirt and pink lipstick, enough to draw the attention of several hormonal guys around the hall, who were checking her out as they wandered past.
‘No, I should keep warm so I don’t seize up. I’ll catch you soon — off to the loo.’ I escaped into the changing rooms behind us, where I keyed my pin into a locker and grabbed my phone.
Ronnie: How’s it going?
I sank onto a bench to type out my answer. Guaranteed silver … and gold if I win the next one. You?
Ronnie: I missed you last night.
Xander: I’ll call you as soon as I get back to Dunedin. Promise x.
Ronnie: It was 5 weeks on Saturday.
Xander: I know.
I blew out a breath and locked away my phone, then splashed water over my face. Six weeks, Ronnie had said. I’ll give you six weeks, and if we’re still together by then, I’ll be asking for some … decisions.
‘Hey Mitchell,’ a voice said as I was leaving. ‘Nice tomoe nage back there.’ It was Jack Chen, one of the guys from my club back in Auckland.
‘Thanks,’ I said, fist-bumping him. ‘What’s up, you injured or something?’ He was wearing plain clothes, jeans and a T-shirt.
‘Tore my meniscus. I’m waiting for a repair.’ He pointed at my knee. ‘Better make sure you don’t go the same way.’
‘Nah, I’ve got ligaments of steel,’ I said, and he laughed.
‘How’re things? I see you and Ashleigh are still going strong.’
‘Same old,’ I said, doing a mental calculation in my head. It was Easter Monday. In five days, my six weeks with Ronnie was up.
Jack grinned. ‘You’ll be married with two point five kids next time I see you.’
Trying to ignore the flash of anger I could feel behind my eyes, I said, ‘Nah mate, I’m never getting married. Crap, is that the time? I’d better get going or I’ll forfeit my next fight.’
‘Good luck, mate.’ Jack slapped me on the shoulder and limped away. I hurried back to the mat. Kyle was standing on the opposite side, stretching out his hamstring. I retied my belt, trying not to bump my finger, which felt really tight beneath the strapping. I’d probably have to get an x-ray, but not tonight. All I wanted, apart from this win, was to be back in my own bed in Dunedin.
With Ronnie.
‘There you are.’ Ashleigh held her phone up and snapped a selfie of us together. ‘We should get Dad to take us out for dinner after this.’
I grimaced. ‘I kind of need to get home.’ It was 3 p.m. If we started driving by four, we could be in Dunedin by half past eight.
‘An early dinner. We can be on the road by seven.’
‘I just want to get home, all right?’ Hearing my name, I stepped onto the mat, ignoring Ashleigh’s sour expression. Great, all I needed was to have an argument right before we were trapped together in my station wagon for four and a half hours.
The referee extended an arm and called out ‘Hajime!’ Kyle and I began circling each other. If only I hadn’t brought Ashleigh with me, but it wasn’t as if I couldn’t tell her not—
Kyle grabbed the lapel of my jacket and yanked down, forcing me to double over, then reached over my shoulder and clutched my belt. I dug in, trying to hook his leg. Kyle took me down sideways, shit, and we began wrestling on the ground. I flipped him over and tried to get him in an arm lock, but he wriggled away.
Focus, focus. I went in for a strangle, but it was useless, I was pressing over tendons rather than his airway. In the blur of the crowd behind, I saw Ashleigh sitting with her arms crossed. Jesus, was she still sulk—
Kyle’s arm clamped around my neck. I struggled, but his grip was vice-like. My vision began to grey. I tried to tuck my chin in, refusing to let him have a victory out of my split second’s inattention. The noise of the crowd began to recede. I twisted, a futile movement, and lost my vision completely.
Gone burger.
Ashleigh blew her fringe out of her eyes. ‘You should let me drive.’
‘I’ll be fine. It’s not as if I’m using that leg anyway.’
‘You blacked out.’
‘For a few seconds. He let me go as soon as I passed out.’ I tapped my temple, much as her own father had done a couple of hours before. ‘Only lost a few brain cells.’ A car approached, headlights blazing, and I dipped my own.
‘You should have tapped out,’ said Ashleigh, as though she’d ever got any higher than a yellow belt when she did judo.
‘And lose my chance for a gold?’
‘You did anyway.’
‘Thanks for reminding me.’ I put the lights back on full with an aggressive twist of my wrist. Two hours of driving to go, God save me.
‘Xan, would you be nice? I’m trying to look out for you.’
‘Sorry,’ I mumbled. ‘I’m tired.’
‘If we’d had dinner before we left then you wouldn’t be hangry as well.’
‘I told you, I’m not hungry.’ Not entirely true, but I was dying to get home and see Ronnie.
‘But I am.’ Ashleigh stabbed at her phone screen. ‘Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about anyone but yourself.’
A laugh escaped me. ‘Mirror, mirror, on the wall …’ The words spiralled out before I could stop them.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ She glared at me. ‘What the fuck. Did you send those messages?’
‘Of course not. It’s just a saying, for Christ’s sake.’ I’d forgotten about those random Facebook messages, but now they seemed oddly appropriate. I wondered who it had been — someone in her class, maybe, or just some slimy middle-aged guy with a beer belly stalking pretty girls on social media?
‘Yeah?’ Ashleigh said. She wasn’t going to let it go. She never conceded, never. ‘So, what were you implying?’
‘Whatever you want it to imply.’ I accelerated to overtake a van that was rattling so much it looked as though it was about to disintegrate.
‘Xander, stop the car.’
‘I’m not stopping the car.’
‘Stop the fucking car.’ Christ, she’d opened the door. I started braking, skidding into the gravel until we came to a sudden, jolting stop. Ashleigh jumped out and slammed the door so hard the car shook. I leapt out onto the road, swearing when pain shot through my injured knee.
‘Always so dramatic, aren’t you?’ I yelled. God knew where she’d gone. All I could see were darkened paddocks, outlines of trees, the receding tail lights of the van I’d passed a minute before. ‘Always have to have the last word!’ I strode around the car, shining the torch on my phone ahead of me. There she was, marching in the opposite direction. I hobbled up to her and grabbed her elbow. ‘Come on, this is stupid.’
Something hit me in the temple. I swore, dropped my phone. ‘What the fuck was that?’ A rock? ‘Are you insane?’ I lunged towards her.
‘Piss off!’ she shrieked and went to run across the road, Jesus, right as a truck hurtled past. I slung an arm across her chest, pinning her right arm at her side and gripped her left wrist with my other hand.
‘Yeah, go on,’ she spat, struggling to get free. ‘Choke me, why don’t you? I bet you’d love to.’
‘I wouldn’t give you the pleasure.’ I released her and she stumbled. I swiped an arm across my forehead. Wet. Blood. Great, just great. ‘Have you got a death wish? You nearly got wiped out by a truck just then.’
‘Yes, Xander, I want to die!’ Ashleigh screamed and stormed back to the car. I found my phone in the grass, wiped dirt off it. There was a crack in the screen. When I returned to the car, Ashleigh was hunched against the passenger door, her body angled away from me. I rehearsed telling her it was over all the way to Dunedin, right until the second we pulled up outside her flat.
‘Come inside,’ she said, her voice low.
‘No.’ I took her bag out of the boot.
‘Come on.’ She stepped out onto the kerb, her eyes widening under the glow of the streetlight. ‘Is that blood?’
I touched my forehead. The cut had stopped oozing, but I could feel a sticky trail down the side of my face. ‘Yes, it’s blood. From when you threw a rock at me, remember?’
‘Xan, I’m sorry. You know what I’m like when I lose my temper. And I wasn’t aiming the rock at you. It was an accident.’ She moved towards me.
‘Ash, no.’ But she was wrapping her arms around me, kissing the edge of my mouth.
‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.’
It’s over, I thought. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I don’t, I don’t. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it. She was being nice Ashleigh now, attentive, loving, Ashleigh — stroking my arms, whispering endearments.
‘Please don’t be mad at me. I love you so much.’
‘I love you too,’ I said. ‘But I really need to go home, OK? I’m exhausted.’
I waited until Ashleigh had disappeared down the driveway before starting the engine. When I glanced up, I saw Harrison standing at his window. He was in his camo gear, an army-green beanie tugged over his ears. I waved. He didn’t wave back.
I’d just returned from the shower, my towel wrapped around my waist, when Ronnie knocked on my window.
‘Hey.’ I took her hand, helped her clamber across the windowsill. ‘Sorry, I should have come and picked you up.’ It was only a couple of weeks since her cast had been removed.
‘I biked, it was good physio for me.’ Her cheeks were flushed, her breath minty. ‘Congratulations on the silver.’ She touched the plaster on my forehead, frowning. ‘I thought you said judo meant the gentle way.’
‘It is a contact sport.’ I stepped back. ‘Did you see Ashleigh on your way out?’
‘Yeah, she was so interested in telling me about your argument that she didn’t even ask where I was going.’
‘She probably wouldn’t have listened to your answer anyway. Even if you’d told her the truth.’
‘Imagine that.’ Ronnie kicked off her shoes and sat on my bed. ‘God, look at you. Is it broken?’ She nodded at my hand, the one with the strapping around my fingers.
‘I dislocated it, but who knows if there’s a fracture in there too. They probably wouldn’t do anything but strap it anyway.’ I sank down beside her.
‘Ashleigh said you wanted to leave her on the side of the road.’
‘Did she now?’ Typical.
‘Would you really?’
‘It was tempting, but I’m not that much of a prick.’ I ran my good hand through my damp hair.
‘What were you fighting about?’
‘Just the usual. I wasn’t treating Ashleigh like she was the centre of the universe, that kind of thing.’
Ronnie narrowed her eyes at me. ‘My fault, huh?’
‘No, not your fault. I mean, kind of.’ I touched a finger to her lips. ‘I guess she used to be the centre of my universe. And then she wasn’t.’
‘She must sense that. She’s not stupid, right?’
‘Definitely not stupid.’ I pulled her into a horizontal position. ‘I’m too tired to talk about her tonight. Can we not?’
Ronnie traced the outline of my ear. ‘OK. Not tonight.’ She ran her fingers into my hair. ‘Have you got that massage oil?’
‘In the drawer.’ I pointed to the bedside cabinet.
‘Turn onto your stomach.’ I obeyed, letting out a groan when she started kneading a knot in my shoulder. ‘Man, you’re tense as.’
‘Let’s just say it was a long journey.’ I closed my eyes. ‘I missed you.’
‘I miss you every night,’ she said, and I braced myself for more talk about Ashleigh, but instead Ronnie peeled off my towel and began massaging oil into my back, my butt, my thighs. ‘No, don’t turn over yet,’ she teased, once she’d driven me to distraction.
‘It’ll be all over if you’re not careful.’
‘Just think of something nasty. Old ladies’ vaginas or something.’
I let out a barking laugh, then buried my face in my pillow. Ronnie draped her naked body on top of me, kissing my neck, and I endured a couple more minutes before turning to face her.
‘You’re evil,’ I said.
‘You don’t know what evil is.’ She began to move, agonisingly slowly at first, then faster, faster. And for a few minutes I forgot about my aching bones, about Ashleigh and the Marlows and losing my chance at gold. For a few minutes, I dared to think that every night could be like this, just like this.
Then my stomach tipped and dipped, and I remembered that I was a two-timing, deceitful bastard — not only that, but a fraud and a thief — and I knew there was no clear way out of the mess I’d entangled myself in.
‘You’re too nice to me,’ I whispered to Ronnie, as we drifted into sleep.
‘You’re just not used to it,’ she replied.