I stayed over at Ashleigh’s on Monday and Tuesday nights. Neither of us slept well; Ashleigh because she said her brain wouldn’t switch off, me because she kept tossing and turning, waking me up at least every half-hour. On Wednesday, she messaged me as I was driving back from judo: I’m going to have an early night, catch you tomorrow.
Are you feeling sick? I replied, typing one-handed while cruising down the one-way system.
Just a bit of a headache.
I’ll come give you a massage. I slammed on the brakes when the car in front of me stopped for an orange light. Might help you sleep. Ashleigh didn’t reply.
‘She’s upstairs,’ Nisha said when I entered the flat. She and Van were sitting in the lounge, with a girl I hadn’t seen before who had a spiky red crewcut. They were eating ice cream with a ton of brown powder on top.
‘Thanks.’ I nodded at Nisha’s bowl. ‘What’s that, cinnamon?’
‘No, nutmeg.’ She licked her spoon. ‘But I’m not feeling anything yet.’
‘I dunno,’ the red-haired girl said. ‘I might have a bit of a buzz on.’
‘A buzz?’ I jiggled my car keys. ‘You’re trying to get high on nutmeg?’
Van, who was sitting cross-legged in front of the ranch slider, said, ‘You’ve never heard of nutmeg’s hallucinogenic properties before? Some med student you are.’
The girl stared at me. Her eyes looked odd, as though she were stoned already. ‘What’s that, a karate outfit?’
‘No, judo.’ I slid the belt off and looped it around my hand.
‘And you’re a black belt? Cool.’
‘This is Sylvie,’ Nisha said. ‘Sylvie, this is Xander, Ashleigh’s boyfriend.’
‘Hi, Xander.’ Sylvie scooted over on the couch, patted the cushion beside her. ‘Want to try some?’
‘You what?’ Ashleigh asked when I went upstairs, about half an hour and a large bowl of nutmeg-topped ice cream later. She was wearing pyjamas, her hair mussed up, as if she’d been in bed for ages. There were notes and textbooks scattered across her bed and desk, a folder stuffed with loose-leaf paper open on her swivel chair.
‘I just did nutmeg with Nisha and Van. And some girl called Sylvie. Do you know her?’ I kicked my trainers off.
‘You’re joking, right?’
‘Nope. Apparently it gets converted through to MMDA, not to be confused with MDMA, or ecstasy.’ I was quoting Nisha verbatim. ‘But I think you have to eat a whole lot more nutmeg than you guys have in your pantry, because all I’ve got is a dry mouth.’
‘Are you nuts?’
‘Pun intended?’ I stretched out beside her. As if conspiring against me, the room was airless but it was far too cold outside to open a window.
Ashleigh shuffled sideways, so our bodies were no longer in contact. ‘I wasn’t trying to be funny.’ She closed her eyes. ‘I really do have a headache.’
‘That sucks.’ I rolled onto my elbow. ‘Want to turn over? I can give you a back massage.’
‘Maybe you could have a shower first?’
‘What, you’re not into my sweaty body?’
‘I’m really not,’ she mumbled, her arm slung over her eyes.
‘OK. I’ll be back.’
‘Great.’ Was that sarcasm? I certainly hoped so.
‘Hey, Xan.’ Van passed me on the stairs, holding a pipe. ‘Let me know if you have weird dreams tonight.’
‘I don’t think it worked.’
‘It can take a few hours, apparently.’ He held out the pipe. ‘Got something that’ll work a little faster, if you want it.’
‘Might pass. Maybe another night.’
‘No worries. Hey, don’t s’pose you’ve got some cash I could borrow?’
I hesitated. ‘How much?’
He shrugged. ‘Forty bucks? I can pay you back at the end of the month.’
I checked my wallet, glad all I had was a ten dollar note. ‘Sorry, man, I don’t carry much cash these days.’
‘Thanks. I’m good for it.’ He raised an eyebrow at me. ‘Expecting a payment, if you know what I mean.’
‘No hurry.’ I descended to the landing. Ronnie’s door was ajar. How tempting it was to stick my head in, but I couldn’t afford to screw it up at this stage. From Harrison’s room, I heard a dull, thudding bass; it sounded like ‘Paint It, Black’. That guy was such an army grunt cliché.
From the next room, I heard someone hammering on the wall. Dom’s voice: ‘Would you shut the fuck up?’
The music turned down a notch, and Harrison yelled, ‘Do I tell you to shut up when you guys are shagging at all hours?’
‘Jealousy never got anyone anywhere,’ Dom called back, and Skye giggled.
Harrison’s door swung open. ‘What are you doing?’ He was wearing jeans, a ribbed jersey, his army-green beanie.
I slung Ashleigh’s towel over my shoulder. ‘Just on my way to the shower.’ I glimpsed a giant map of the world on the wall opposite his bed, pins stuck in various spots. ‘Cool map. Is that all the places you’ve travelled to?’
‘No, it’s a record of all the Al Qaeda terrorist attacks over the past five years. It’s only a matter of time.’
‘Before what?’
‘Before they take over the world,’ Harrison said, and shut the door again. When I turned, I saw Ronnie standing in the doorway to her room, her lips twisting into a half-smile.
‘I can’t quite work out if he’s for or against them,’ I said. ‘Al Qaeda, I mean.’
‘Does it matter?’ Ronnie fingered her neck, and I remembered showing her how to do the choke the other night.
‘I’m going to have a shower,’ I said. I couldn’t wait until I could stop this two-timing business. It was doing my head in. ‘I’ll catch you later.’
She gave me a slow nod. ‘Later.’
When I returned from my lukewarm shower, Ashleigh was sitting up in bed, rolling something between her fingers.
‘What’s that?’ I rubbed the towel over my hair.
Ashleigh swung her eyes towards me. ‘Nisha gave it to me. She said it would help me sleep.’
‘She gave you a sleeping pill?’
‘Yeah. But I’ve never taken one before. What do you think?’
I sat beside her. ‘I guess it won’t hurt to take one. You have been sleeping really badly.’
‘It’s because I’ve been having nightmares. About him. Not to mention exams.’
‘Have you had any more threatening letters?’
‘No. But one was enough.’
‘Well,’ I said, touching her cheek, ‘why don’t you give it a go? Maybe it will help reset you if you have a good sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. And I’ll be here to look after you.’ I kissed her.
She turned her head away. ‘OK.’
‘Do you want some water?’ I plucked her water bottle off her desk.
‘Thanks.’ She swallowed the pill and lay down. ‘How long does it take to work?’
‘No idea. I can look it up.’
‘It’s OK.’ Ashleigh rolled onto her side, facing away from me. ‘You don’t have to stay.’
‘But I want to.’ I got in beside her and began kneading her shoulders. She let out an irritated sigh, but didn’t stop me.
How long does it take a sleeping pill to work? Twenty-three minutes, in Ashleigh’s case. Still, I waited until the flat had gone quiet before padding down the stairs to Ronnie’s room. It was five past eleven, relatively early for Ronnie, who was rarely asleep before midnight.
‘That was quick,’ Ronnie murmured, once I’d joined her beneath the covers.
‘You can thank Nisha for that.’
‘Huh?’
‘She gave Ashleigh a sleeping pill.’ I kissed Ronnie’s forehead. She was deliciously warm, and smelt like the dewberry body cream she always put on after showering.
‘Oh. Well, hopefully that will calm her down.’ Ronnie wriggled into me, wrapped her arms around my neck. ‘How long do you think until she dumps you?’
‘Any day now, I’m hoping. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I don’t even know if I should be here, you know?’ It was the first time Ronnie and I had ever done this with Ashleigh so close by. A small part of me felt sorry for the slow betrayal of my first love.
‘I know.’ Ronnie brushed her lips past my ear. ‘I feel bad too, if that makes you feel any better.’
‘Maybe.’ I exhaled. ‘Has she said anything to you?’
‘No. But I overheard her talking to Skye about you getting pissed at dinner the other night. Skye told her to relax, said most guys drank more than they should every now and then. Also, you know no one believes her about this letter, right?’
‘You mean the threatening letter no one but Ashleigh has seen?’ I grazed my lips over hers. ‘Weird. I mean, I know she’s kind of stressed right now, but I didn’t think she was making it up.’
‘No, but what if it was just a really vivid nightmare? She keeps complaining about all the bad dreams she’s having.’
I frowned. ‘That would have to be some nightmare. She reckons Harrison wrote the letter and then swiped it out of her room.’
‘Maybe. Ashleigh is horrible to him. Although she’s not Skye’s favourite person at the moment, either.’
‘How’s that?’
‘Ashleigh treats her like she’s a dumb blonde. I mean, I know Skye’s not that clued up, but I think it’s starting to grate on her. Ashleigh’s still going on about how Skye thought you can’t get pregnant from oral sex if you don’t swallow — and she isn’t laughing with her, if you know what I mean.’
‘Unfortunately, I do.’ I brushed hair away from her eyes. ‘I’ve missed you.’
‘You’ve seen me every night this week,’ she said. ‘I’ve been right here.’
‘You know what I mean. I miss this.’ I cupped her buttocks, kissed her until she groaned. ‘Ssh.’
‘Stop doing that then.’
‘Really? How about this?’
‘No, don’t stop doing that,’ she said, and then there was silence, apart from the soft creak of bedsprings, the whistle of the wind curling around the flat, and a murmur that no one else could hear, a voice deep inside me whispering, Freedom, freedom, freedom.
Ashleigh didn’t wake until 7.30 the next morning, and only because I shook her awake.
‘Mmm? Oh.’ She rubbed her eyes. ‘What time is it?’ She sat bolt upright and peered at the clock beside her bed. ‘Did I sleep through my alarm?’
‘Uh-huh. Thought you needed it.’ I kissed her, watched her recoil. Guess my canned fish breath wasn’t growing on her. ‘I can give you a lift to uni. Did you have a good sleep?’
‘It was great. I don’t need a lift. You should get going.’ She gave me a thin smile. ‘By the time I have a shower and wash my—’
There was a rap on the door. ‘Hey guys, is Xander still there?’ Nisha called out.
‘Yep.’ I peered out into the hallway, surprised to see Tess standing next to Nisha. ‘Oh. Hey, Tess, what’s up?’
‘Just thought I’d drop past on my way to class, see if you wanted to walk in together.’ Tess tugged her fingers through the ends of her hair, peered over my shoulder. ‘Sorry, Ashleigh, didn’t realise you were still in bed.’
‘It’s fine,’ Ashleigh said, glowering at her. ‘I don’t start until nine. You guys go ahead.’
‘Seriously, I can wait,’ I insisted. ‘I’ll drive us in. I’ll get the notes off you for pharmacology later, is that OK, Tess?’
Tess’s smile faded. ‘Um, sure. I’ll catch you later.’
Once she’d left, Nisha said, ‘Is it just me, or has she cut her hair exactly like yours?’
‘I don’t think her cowlick’s as good as mine,’ I said.
Nisha shoved me. ‘Not you, idiot, Ashleigh. Tess’s got the same fringe and everything. It’s as though she took a photo of you into the hairdresser, Ash. Maybe she’s your stalker.’
‘She’s not stalking me, she’s stalking him.’ Ashleigh pointed at me.
I laughed. ‘She just dropped past on her way to uni, what’s wrong with that?’
‘Um, she was wearing a bunny onesie?’ Nisha twirled her finger next to her ear.
‘Was she?’ Shit. I hadn’t noticed, probably because Tess rarely wore anything else when she was at home. ‘Uh, I guess that’s some kind of joke.’
‘If you say so.’ Nisha unwrapped a stick of gum. ‘How’d you sleep, Ash?’
‘Very well. Thanks.’
‘No bad dreams?’
Ashleigh shook her head. ‘No dreams at all, actually.’
‘What did I tell you? Let me know if you need any more. Everyone needs a little help now and then, you know what I’m saying?’
‘I don’t think I’ll need any more.’ Ashleigh took a neatly folded towel off the shelf in her wardrobe. ‘I’m going to have a shower, if there’s any hot water left.’
‘I’ll make you a cup of tea,’ I called after her. She didn’t reply.