Six Family Truths I’ve Learned Along the Way

“Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the action that we do.”

—Saint Teresa of Calcutta

People often ask me some variation of this question: “What do you think your parents did that helps keep all of you close as a family?”

I’ve thought long and hard about this myself, because I’ve always wanted to be sure my four children will stay as close and involved with each other long into the future as my brothers and I are.

I think the answer lies in a few things my mother used to say that have always stuck with me:

“Loyalty to family.” My mother stressed this nonstop and also exemplified it in her own life. She was devoted to her parents and her siblings. She worked with them, played with them, and made it her business to stay connected to their business.
“Find something to collaborate on with your siblings that is about making the world better.” My mother made my brothers and me work on the Special Olympics, the worldwide organization she started right in our backyard. It wasn’t an option whether to be involved. She also made our friends get involved. Now all of my brothers run nonprofits. They work every day to make the world a more caring, compassionate, and conscious place, and I help them in any and every way I can, because I believe in what they’re doing, and because I’m also trying to stay connected to what they’re connected to. As my mother told us to do.
“Don’t come between your brothers and their spouses.” Really smart advice. I have four sisters-in-law. I love them all, and I’ve tried to develop my own relationships with them. But I also stay out of their relationships with my brothers. (Or at least I try!)
“Support your siblings’ families and develop relationships with their children.” We can all support our siblings by emotionally supporting their families—especially their kids—with our time, our wisdom, our joy. They are the next generation and the people to whom you’ll help pass your family’s values.
“Make time for your siblings.” Gather with them as much as you can. My mother used to say, “You can fight with your brothers, you can beat them in sports [fat chance!], but never give up on them or lose contact with them.” She said, “They are more than friends. They are family. So make it work!”

And there’s one more thing. My mother never told me this one. It’s something I figured out on my own along the way:

Don’t discount or disparage their experiences. Your siblings each have their own personal experiences with your parents and with one another. Listen to them, try to understand what they’ve been through and what they feel, and then work toward healing in a gentle, calm, nurturing, loving way. I’ve discovered that yelling, judging, screaming, insisting that “No, things were never ever that way!” never, ever works—especially with brothers, when you’re the only girl. And if along the way, one of your siblings does confide in you, do not repeat what one sibling said about the other to any of the rest. Respect confidentiality. Trust me on this.

One time when my brothers and I were all in the same place together, one of them quietly said to me and me alone, “You know, I think men today are more trapped than many women.” He obviously wanted only me to hear him say that. That convinced me it’s a good thing to give your siblings a safe space, a reassuring space, to talk. Just listen, and then hold your sibling like you would like to have been held by your mother or your father, and hold their experiences in your mind and your heart.

Bottom line: Wherever your siblings are, reach out to them, listen to them, hold them. The years and experiences you’ve shared are precious.

Dear God, with life as crazy busy as it is, I need to find ways to show my family they are more important to me than my work and other things that involve my time. Help me to plan one-on-one time with my brothers. Help me to continue to forge more wonderful new memories of sweet moments together. Amen.