“No one heals himself by wounding another.”
—Saint Ambrose
Every time I watch the news about the latest terrorist attack somewhere in the world, I experience a range of emotions. I feel shock. I feel angry. I feel fearful. I feel disbelief that this is happening yet again to innocent people, to our friends and allies. I feel horror that this is now our world, the one we all live in every day.
But then I take a deep breath and remind myself that there are far more good people in the world than bad, and that these incidents can bring out the best in all of us. So let’s not give in to the fear that these terrorists are hoping we give in to. Let’s not run, hide, or separate ourselves from our friends. Let us band together.
Watching these attacks unfold makes me think a lot about our country, our politics, but also about my own life.
Those who know me best would say I’ve always been a fiercely independent person. An only girl in a family of boys, I was always determined to chart my own course, to pave my own way and “go it alone.”
Not too long ago, I said to one of my brothers, “I feel alone. I just wish I had help.” He stopped me dead in my tracks by saying, “Maria, you have so much help all around you. You’ve always had help and support. You need to do a better job seeing the help that’s already there for you and asking for the help you need.”
He was right on both counts. Like many people, asking for help puts me outside my comfort zone. It makes me feel vulnerable. I like to do the helping, not the asking. I prefer the illusion of invulnerability.
But I’ve taken my brother’s advice to heart. I’ve found myself asking for a lot of help lately with my work on Alzheimer’s. I’ve asked family members to stand in for me in the cities where I couldn’t show up at events. I’ve asked companies for their money and support. I’ve asked researchers to share their wisdom. I’ve asked, and I’ve asked, and I’ve asked.
It’s never easy to ask for help, whether you’re asking for a cause like Alzheimer’s or for yourself when you just need someone to listen to you, to be there, and to lend support. If you’re like me, asking feels like you’re giving up that illusion of invulnerability. But that’s what it is: an illusion. The fact is that asking for help requires strength. You have to be strong to step outside your comfort zone. It’s humbling.
I’ve learned that not only can I ask for help, I can also receive it. (I’ve got work to do on the receiving part, but I’m on it.) I’ve also learned that I can ask, be turned down, and survive. I’ve learned that I can rely on my family. I already knew this deep down, but asking them for help is new for me. I’ve learned that my friends are the “just say the word” type of friends. Without them, I’d be alone, and I’ve discovered that’s a tough place to be.
I’m learning that there are so many people around me who are more than willing to help me. I just have to communicate what I need and slow down long enough to express my gratitude for their help. Expressing gratitude, my friends, is key.
I share my experience because perhaps, like me, asking for help and receiving it isn’t your forte. If you are one of those “go it alone” types who’s afraid to ask for help, take it from me: Going it alone is isolating, overwhelming, and most of all, it’s unsustainable. And very often, it isn’t the truth! So often when I prided myself on thinking I was going it alone, I wasn’t. I’ve learned I’ve never accomplished anything of value without help.
Try to calm the anxious child in you that’s telling you no one is there for you, no one can help you, and that you are all alone. Try to open your heart a bit wider, and you’ll feel things you didn’t feel before. Yes, some feelings may be painful, but better to know you can feel than to walk through life numb.
Which brings me back to our larger US. We, the United States of America, with all of our freedom and independence, have always been stronger and better when we are a part of a global community, one where we talk to others, listen to others, include others, and ask others for help. Being part of something larger than ourselves opens up our hearts and our minds.
As Pope Francis always reminds us, we all share a common home: our planet. It’s up to all of us to care for it. We all share a common longing to belong, to be seen, and to be accepted. We all share a common desire for friendship, for support, and for help. Going it alone—whether you are a person or a country—is an illusion. No one does anything alone. This I have learned. This I know deep in my heart.
So be strong enough to ask for help. Be vulnerable enough to share your needs and desires. And when someone helps you fulfill them, be brave enough to say thank you.
Because going it alone is so . . . silly. So yesteryear, so old-fashioned. Be modern! Ask for help. That goes not just for people, but for communities. I know I need it. So do our friends around the world—especially those who are under attack.
Be open to help, be willing to ask for it, be brave enough to be grateful for it, and be generous enough to give it.
Dear God, our culture exalts the outwardly strong, independent people who chart their own course, pave their own way, and “go it alone.” But the truth is that no one really does anything alone, and to try is overwhelming, isolating, and exhausting. I struggle with weakness, shortcomings, and inadequacies, and yet I resist asking for help. Please teach me to humble myself and cultivate the practice of seeking help from others and from you. I open my heart to receiving and giving help, and I ask your forgiveness for those times I have tried to handle it all on my own. Amen.