The seven surviving members of the Enforcers were in the news again the next morning. They’d been transferred back to a federal jail in New York and had a hearing. The trial date had been set for May, but there were liable to be many delays and continuances before they went to trial. They were still being kept in isolation, in a secluded, undisclosed area of the federal jail, for their own protection. They were at risk of being killed by other inmates before they got to trial. It wouldn’t have surprised anyone, and no one would have been sorry. Even a guard could do it, or let it happen. So many police officers had lost their lives at the bombing sites, and firefighters in the fires after the explosions, that everyone viewed the crime as horrific, and police and guards at the jail were hostile with them. Sam was particularly vehement about them, after all the body bags he’d moved that night.
After Kezia saw the news, she made the phone call she’d been debating about. She called NYU for their course for nurses returning to the workforce. There was a special program for nurse practitioners, and she asked for the brochure. There was a class starting in October, and she didn’t know if it was too late to apply.
Once she’d made the call, she sat down and made lists of all the things she needed to do for Felicity’s wedding. She ordered some books. The list she made was long, and then she made another list for Kate’s smaller wedding in Vermont. But everything about that wedding was vague. The date, the venue. Would they want to get married in the snow, in winter, in the spring, or the summer? Kate was procrastinating about it, and she really needed to make up her mind. Thinking about it, Kezia smiled, remembering the bet Sam had made with her the day before, that John would steal her from Jack by Labor Day. Kezia was all for it, but she doubted she’d be that lucky, in spite of Sam’s faith in his son to lure her away from her fiancé. Kate was stubborn and loyal, and Kezia was afraid that even if Kate suspected she was making a mistake, she’d marry Jack anyway. She very rarely changed her mind once she made a plan, and they had been dating for four years. It would take strength and courage to change course before the wedding. Kezia just couldn’t imagine her doing that. Jack had his heels dug in, and his claws deep into her. Sam was going to be very disappointed on Labor Day, and so was she. But it was a nice dream. In the meantime, Kezia had to go along with the plan for Kate to marry Jack Turner, like it or not.
She called Kate that afternoon to see if they were any closer to picking a date or a venue, and Kate didn’t answer. She was writing.
Sam called Kezia shortly after that.
“Can I interest you in dinner tonight, or am I calling too late? I’m sorry if I am. I got wrapped up in calls to the West Coast, and the time got away from me. Do you have plans?”
“I’d love to,” she said simply. They agreed that he’d pick her up at eight, and they were going to a sushi restaurant nearby. It was fun discovering New York with him. She knew the city well from many visits, but he knew all kinds of small, out-of-the-way places she’d never heard of before. He had a list of restaurants where he was able to eat in peace and relax, and Kezia loved going to them with him. It was a new adventure every time they went out.
“I hate eating alone,” he admitted to her as they went to the lobby in her elevator. He’d walked across on her terrace. “It’s so lonely and no fun. I’d rather not eat. I lost twenty-five pounds after Audrey died.”
“The same thing happened to me when Felicity left for New York, three months after Andrew died, and I was all by myself. I lost fifteen.”
They ran into Paige Robbins in the lobby coming home from work. Kezia thought she looked sad, and when they stopped to chat with her, she mentioned that Greg was in L.A., which meant with his wife. Kezia felt sorry for her all over again, and they talked about it as they walked to the restaurant, which wasn’t far away on Third Avenue. She marveled at how people didn’t recognize Sam when he walked at a fast clip, his eyes down, wearing a baseball cap with jeans and a lightweight jacket. He looked like anyone else on the street until you saw his face. But no one noticed them as they slipped into the restaurant and sat in a back booth no one else wanted. It was perfect for them.
“I feel so sorry for Paige,” Kezia said after they ordered. “I’ve been alone, and very lonely at times, but that’s not the same thing as being unhappy with someone.”
“I agree. But no one can get her out of it except her. She must be very much in love with him. And I can’t see that either, because he doesn’t seem like a nice guy.”
“Some women fall in love with bad guys,” she said matter-of-factly. “Really bad guys. I should take her to lunch sometime.”
“It’s crazy how complicated some relationships are. Even look at our families. Your daughter looks bored every time Jack opens his mouth. How’s that going to play out? Caroline is trying to put a noose around John’s neck, and he doesn’t even want to live with her. But he doesn’t walk away either. And Paige is living with a guy part-time who’s with his wife the other part. You and I both had good marriages, but our kids are willing to put up with second-rate relationships that won’t make them happy in the long run. And they’re smart. Kate is a bright woman, and John’s a smart man. They’re both with people they shouldn’t give the time of day to. It drives me crazy sometimes when I see the women he goes out with.”
“I feel the same way about Kate,” she said. “I’ve been watching her pick the wrong man since she was in her teens, that’s twenty years now. Her birth father abandoning her is not a sufficient excuse. Now she wants to marry one of those guys. At least John’s not engaged to Caroline.”
“No, but she could get pregnant. And he’s decent enough to marry her if that happens. You just have to hope it all works out.”
“I keep hoping she’ll break the engagement with Jack, but I can’t see that happening. She’s stubborn.”
“Here’s to Labor Day,” he said, toasting her with a glass of sake, and she laughed.
“Labor Day!” she agreed. And they turned to less stressful subjects for the rest of the meal. She told him about ordering the brochure from NYU for the nursing program. He was very pleased for her, as it was a good start and a return to a path that had made her happy. He was all for it.
They made an early night of it. He had work to do, and Kezia was tired. They lingered on the terrace for a few minutes, and he surprised her when he took her in his arms as he said good night. He kissed her with a gentle flurry of his lips on hers, held her, and kissed her again. It was as gentle and tender as he was, and she had feelings for him she could never have imagined. It was like a whole new chapter of her life beginning, and a new road stretching out before them.
“You’re an amazing woman, Kezia,” he whispered to her. “I never thought I’d find someone like you now.” She nodded, she felt the same way about him, and he kissed her with increasing passion. But neither of them wanted to rush anything. They wanted to savor each moment. This was only the beginning. “I hate leaving you when we say good night,” he said in a husky voice.
She smiled at him. “Me too,” she whispered. They stood outside, kissing for a long time, like two teenagers.
“I don’t know how I got so lucky,” he said.
“You deserve to be happy, Sam. You’re a good man.”
“You deserve to be happy too. I want to make you happy.”
“You already do.” They kissed for a last time, and he went back to his apartment, and she went into hers feeling like she was floating. She couldn’t believe this was happening. If she hadn’t had the courage to move to New York, she would never have known him. And what was she doing with a movie star? It was crazy, but crazy in a wonderful way. Sam was sitting in his office, thinking the same thing about her. Kezia lay on her bed, thinking about how gentle and loving his kisses had been. They both wanted more.
Jack tutored one of his students that night and came home at ten o’clock. He was tired and wanted a drink, and hadn’t had dinner yet. The session had gone much later than planned. Kate had been writing and hadn’t noticed.
“Is there anything to eat?” he asked her, expecting her to make dinner for him, but she wanted to go back to her book. It was really rolling, and she had better control over it than she’d ever had before. She didn’t want to lose that.
“I don’t know,” she said vaguely. “I had a salad, there wasn’t much in the fridge.”
“There wouldn’t be unless you buy it,” he said, annoyed. Kate never felt that housework was her job. The daily woman who came in to clean during the week didn’t buy groceries or cook. They bought takeout a lot, and Jack only cooked when he had no other choice.
“Why do I have to buy groceries?” Kate snapped at him. “Why can’t you do it?”
“Because I write too.” She didn’t say that she paid for everything, so why should she have to buy the groceries too, but she thought it.
“My mother left me three messages today. She wants to know our wedding date. I don’t know what to tell her,” Kate said with an abrupt change of subject to an even more difficult issue.
“What’s the hurry? Why do we have to pick a date? I thought we got engaged so we had a more official title. Not so we’d rush into marriage. I can’t afford to get married, and you know it.”
“You don’t pay for anything now, that’s not going to change when we get married. I don’t expect you to. But we’ve lived together for three years. At some point, we have to decide if we’re for real or not. I feel like a fraud. And if I want to have kids, we need to decide before I get any older.”
“Do you want kids?” he asked her bluntly, and she hesitated before she answered.
“I don’t know,” she said honestly.
“Why don’t you figure that out before you push us into a marriage neither of us wants and we don’t need, just so we’re ‘respectable,’ or because your sister is going to be married and you’re not. This is all about her, isn’t it?”
“No, it’s about us,” Kate said with an icy calm. “It’s about you and me. I’m not going to drag you to the altar, Jack, or hold a gun to your head.”
“But that’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?”
“Is that what it feels like to you?”
“Yes, it does,” he said, and poured himself a glass of whiskey, without rocks, and downed it in one long gulp.
“There’s our answer then, isn’t it? So what do I tell my mother? That you’ve changed your mind and we’re not getting married?”
“This was your idea in the first place, after Felicity got engaged. You wanted to be engaged too. That was our compromise, and all of a sudden we have to pick a wedding date and a venue to keep your mother happy.”
“She’s trying to make us happy,” Kate said quietly.
“Well, I’m not. Now you want to get married. Next you’ll want a baby. Jesus, Kate, that’s never been us. We’re writers, both of us. We’re creative people. We don’t need marriage, or children. This is enough.”
“What if it isn’t? I never realized that you really don’t want to get married.”
“I’m forty-two years old. I don’t need all that crap. What difference does being married make?”
“It makes a difference to me,” she said clearly, and realized for the first time that it was true. It did make a difference to her. She did want what Felicity had. A guy who was crazy about her and couldn’t wait to be married to her. Why couldn’t she have that too? But Jack wasn’t Blake and never would be, with or without a ring on her finger. Jack wanted her to support him forever and give nothing back. Why hadn’t she seen that before? Why didn’t she want to? She had spent her whole life waiting to meet her father, and the last four years waiting for Jack to grow up and he never would. But she wasn’t ready to say it to him yet. It was bad enough that she knew it. And he knew it too. He knew what he wanted and what he didn’t, and so did she.
He stormed out to the kitchen then and foraged in the refrigerator, and she went back to her office and closed the door. She had a sick feeling in her stomach. She couldn’t hide from it anymore. She knew the truth. With or without a ring on her finger, what Jack had to give her wasn’t enough.
That night, John Stewart and Caroline had been to an engagement party for a girl Caroline had gone to school with. She was twenty-nine, the same age as Caroline. She was an attorney, and she had just gotten engaged to a junior partner of the firm. She had her whole future mapped out. One day they would both be partners. They would make a good living, they would be married and have children, move to the suburbs and commute to work. They would need both their incomes to be able to afford kids. It sounded like a death sentence to John. He was happy for them since that was what they wanted. But it wasn’t what he wanted, and surely not now. Not for a long time, if ever.
As always, when they went to engagement parties or weddings, Caroline started pushing him afterward. He had heard about her biological clock ticking so often that he felt like Captain Hook in Peter Pan. He had never misled her. He had told her right from the beginning that marriage wasn’t on his radar, and wouldn’t be for a long time. Women never believed him. It had happened before, and it kept happening. He hadn’t dated a single woman yet who made him want to get married, and the more they pushed, the more he wanted to run in the opposite direction. Engagement parties didn’t fill him with longing. They filled him with dread. He was faithful to the women in his life. But he wanted a relationship, not a wife. He knew that when he finally did want a wife, if he ever did, she wouldn’t be like Caroline. She seemed like a predator to him, and she wanted to eat him alive. He had nightmares about it sometimes. He knew now that he had been foolish to think she’d back off, that she’d listen to him and believe him when he said that marriage wasn’t on his agenda, and wouldn’t be for a long time.
She started in on him as soon as they left the party, which hadn’t been fun. Caroline had a good time; him not so much. They went to his apartment afterward, which was a mistake he recognized as soon as they got to his place.
“When are you going to let me move in?” she said plaintively.
“Caroline, we talked about this when we started dating. I don’t want to live with anyone.”
“It’s been eight months,” she said, and he realized that she’d had a lot to drink, more than he’d thought, which always made her aggressive.
“That’s right, it’s been eight months, not eight years. And I haven’t changed my mind. I don’t want you to move in. I’m young, I’m immature, I’m selfish, I need my own space. I don’t want to live with anyone for the next several years.” He knew that if she moved in, she’d never leave. She’d hound him until she wore him down, and he’d wind up married to a woman he didn’t want and should never have dated. And somewhere along the line she’d get pregnant.
“I’m twenty-nine, my eggs are getting old.”
“Oh my God, you’re a baby.”
“I’m almost thirty.” He closed his eyes for a minute, and then he looked at her. She was beautiful and sexy. He had fun with her, when she wasn’t hounding him. But it wasn’t enough. It just wasn’t worth it. He hated starting again, but he knew he had to. They had played out whatever they had, and it was going to be agony from now on.
“I can’t do this anymore, Caroline. I’m sorry. I don’t want to feel like an asshole because I don’t want you to move in, and I don’t want to get married, no matter how many weddings or engagement parties you take me to. It’s not contagious, and I’m still the guy you started dating who told you the truth right away. I’m done. We don’t want the same things. You need a man who’s going to get your eggs to the altar in record time, before they fry or boil or do whatever they do. I’m not your guy, and by the time I would be, you’ll have three kids, a dog, and a house in the suburbs. I can’t do that, at least not now.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” she asked with a look of outrage. She wasn’t sad, she was furious.
“I’m not the guy you want. We need to stop now, before this gets nasty. We had fun. I think we’ve done it. You need someone else to take you all the way to what you want.”
“Can I spend the night?” He shook his head. He knew that if she did, there was a good chance she’d try to get pregnant.
“I’ll take you home,” he said politely.
“You’re a bastard,” she said. But at least she couldn’t say he had lied to her. He hadn’t. He never did. She was young enough that he thought it would be okay. Twenty-nine was young to be as desperate as she was. All of her girlfriends had been getting married in the last year. He should have known. “You’re a shit.” He didn’t respond and handed her her jacket. She snatched it out of his hand and walked to the door. He opened the door and followed her out. She was just drunk enough that he couldn’t let her go home alone.
They walked out of the building, and he hailed a cab and got in with her. He wanted this to be over now before it got uglier. She didn’t live far, and when they got to her building, she asked him to come upstairs, and he wouldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” he said as gently as he could, as the doorman opened the door for her, and John got back in the cab. He watched her walk inside and she turned and looked at him with fury. He wondered if she was right, if he was a bastard, or if there was something wrong with him. But he knew that what was wrong, and stupid of him, was that he had spent eight months with her when he didn’t love her.
He went back to his apartment and thought about her. He wasn’t sorry, and he didn’t regret what he’d done. But he felt stupid and selfish anyway. What was the answer? Stop dating until he met the woman of his dreams? Give it all up until he felt ready to settle down? Date older women? Younger ones who didn’t care about marriage yet? But they didn’t interest him much.
He picked up his phone and texted his father. “Lunch tomorrow?” The answer came back quickly. Sam was still awake.
“I’m sorry, son, I can’t. I have meetings all day. Are you okay?”
“Fine. No problem. Will text you later this week. Good night.” He realized he didn’t want to talk to his father about it anyway. He was a grown man.
He went to bed a little while later, and lay there for a long time, thinking about Caroline. He should have stopped seeing her a long time before, or never gotten involved with her at all. Once he admitted it to himself, he fell asleep.