To Drown in Baptism

Darkness and then darkness.

Waves of

despair. Moaning.

A stolen metaphor, slain parable. Death and

details.

 

A crushing of the spine. A splaying of the

senses.

We were transformed.

Is the caterpillar

informed of its becoming?

Does it enter its cocoon

fearing death, and watch

its painful blossoming

in slow motion,

never sensing

an end?

What if it imagined

its cocoon its deathbed?

Tried to figure out

How things had

led to this?

Imagined

it had done

something wrong?

What if I had

listened to my elders

changed my diet

hadn’t upset my parents

had made

a single offering ?

It is a clouding of memory.

A slowing of the senses.

A distortion of sound.

A gathering of dust.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What is happening?

A standstill. Too harsh of a reality

to comprehend, The weight of iron

chains.

The rot of flesh.

To drown in baptism.

The extinguishing of the soul.

To barter dreams for life

and then to live

not as you dreamt you would,

yet still to live.

An act of giving thanks.

a way

of seeing

hoping

believing

a matter of

perception,

a matter of time

space

beyond

a sense of maturity

a bit of courage

matter

a sense of exploration

an understanding

a vivid comprehension

There is a layer of belief

a gut feeling, so much

that holds up to all questioning

more than sensation

I never doubt this

I feel it deeply

and sense

I can know it.

Embedded

within it is the belief

that we can know

that things are possible

through feeling

through listening

through sensing.

The relationship we develop

with our intuition

will in many ways

define us.

Do we doubt it?

Do we doubt ourselves

Can we trust them?

our gut instincts?

Can we trust?

It is not

It is simply

that there is

a knowing

no research

that there is

no thought

something

no reasoning

beyond it

involved

 

a cloud

of mystery

lifted

a sense that which

binds and blinds us

a fixed way

of seeing things

of believing

of trusting

more than what

others have said

or handed down

than what you feel

a clinging

to tradition

a refusal to

throw away

our crutches

an overcoming of fear

a breakthrough

a willingness

to exceed the norm,

a determination

a discipline

 

 

in many ways

a dance

a way of placing

a way of moving

 

 

forward

one foot

in front

backward and around

of another

a means

of coming

spiraling

further out

from the center,

full circle

deeper in

It is not

 

a mystery

it is a love affair

a willingness

to surrender

a way of rooting

something out

following through

digging deeper

reading stones

overturning dirt

recognizing

symbols

pulling back

the veil

It is at once:

a kiss

an orgasm

a spasm of release

an epiphany

a flick

of a switch that

jolts an electric chair

to shock its detainee

and brings him back

to life. It is not a way

of dying There is no

death in this

although

centuries

of despair

years of solitude

 

 

mostly in communal

 

 

gatherings where we

A way of praying

Yes.

sang, danced, prayed.

of giving thanks

of connecting dots

much more than hope

an increased

sense of knowing

of learning

a willingness

to overcome

to become

an expanded

sense of being

all we have ever hoped

but could not dream

could not imagine

life after death

after thought

after breath

it is a whisper

a piercing scream

deep in the night