Chapter 109

Hayley was alone but for a few stars and a sliver of a moon. It was ten o’clock. She was sitting on one of the benches in the parking lot at Ogunquit Beach. She didn’t usually venture out at this hour, but her troubled thoughts had propelled her from the small apartment in search of air. In search of space in which to think.

Ethan. The thrill of their kiss, the ecstasy of having been told she was loved, it had been all too quickly replaced by a flat and certain realization of futility. There was no true romantic future for Ethan Whitby and Hayley Franklin. She had known that earlier in the summer, but she had let that truth be blinded by unruly emotion.

That Ethan had been telling the truth when he declared his love for her Hayley had no doubt. She also had no doubt that Ethan was in love with a fake. The real Hayley Franklin was unlovable. Who could love someone who had been compelled to physically restrain her own father in an attempt to prevent him from beating her mother? Who would ever believe that she had taken absolutely no pleasure or pride in such an action? Who would ever believe such a person wasn’t forever tainted by such negative experience?

Hayley pulled the sleeves of her sweatshirt over her hands and crossed her arms over her chest. Alone at the edge of the ocean she realized that she was completely isolated. There was no one in her life to whom she could turn for comfort. Given the circumstances of her home life she had always been somewhat alienated, but to feel now at the tender age of twenty-one that she was completely alone in the world was truly awful. Would it always be this way?

Yes, Hayley thought. Because her past had made her what she was. Her past had made her a deceiver. And Ethan’s past had informed his character; it had made him noble. Maybe that was an old-fashioned concept, but Hayley believed that nobility of character still meant something in this world. A noble person was a person concerned with the good of others, a person willing to put aside his desires for the sake of another’s happiness or safety. And by not acting on his romantic feelings for Hayley for so long, that was just what Ethan had done. He had been protecting her. And what had she done for him in return? Nothing but consider him someone to use in order to achieve her own selfish ends.

Even if she were to come clean and admit to Ethan that she had lied and why, even if he were to forgive her and ask her to be his wife, one day he would realize that his love had been sorely misplaced and then he would leave her. Worse, he would stay with her for the sake of their children, and Ethan and Hayley would be prisoners in a loveless, resentful marriage.

Hayley shivered in the damp night air. Her father had just lost his most recent job. He swore it wasn’t his fault. Her mother was sporting a suspicious bruise on her arm, a bruise she swore was a result of tripping over the living room rug and stumbling into the door frame. Her brother had left yet another drunken voice mail on her phone, asking for money because someone he thought a friend had stolen his last few dollars.

Would Eddie or Nora or the real Brandon Franklin ever be welcome guests at Jon Whitby’s Italian villa or at the dining room table in their lovely Greenwich home? Would the Franklins and the Whitbys ever be able to engage in civilized, intelligent conversation about politics, or religion, or art, or even about the future education of their grandchildren? The answer to these questions was a resounding no.

It was better to end things with Ethan now before anything had really begun. It was for his own good. Hayley would tell him the truth about herself. He would probably hate her for lying, but she hoped he would forget her before too long. Hayley knew that she would never forget him, and that would be her proper punishment—a lifetime haunted by the memory of the only man she had ever loved. A good and decent man.

Wearily, Hayley got up from the bench overlooking the water and headed for her car. Who knew what mess she would find when she got home.