Emotional Stability
EARLIER IN THE book I mentioned the term “addictive behaviors” to describe the types of behavior that can develop when a person has been abused and has a shame-based nature. In this section, I would like to deal specifically with what I call “emotional addictions” and how to break them in order to enjoy emotional stability.
In this context, an addiction can be defined as compulsory behavior, often in response to some stimulus, without conscious thought. People who have been hurt tend to react rather than to act. What I mean is that they tend to react out of their wounded emotions, rather than to act according to wisdom and the Word of God.
For many years, whenever I was faced with a situation or a personality that reminded me of the past, I responded emotionally, reacting out of fear instead of acting on faith. These types of incidents can be very confusing to the wounded victim because everything happens so quickly that he really does not even understand why he is behaving as he is.
For example, the person who abused me had a very strong, domineering personality. I was subjected to a lot of manipulation and control during my childhood. I decided and repeatedly promised myself that when I was old enough to leave home and get out on my own, nobody would ever control me again.
In subsequent years, I had a warped view of authority. I saw all authority figures as my enemy. I was so fearful of being controlled and manipulated that when any person in my life tried to get me to do anything I did not want to do, I would react with rage or withdrawal. Often the incidents were very minor. Even a suggestion from someone that was not in line with my wishes could cause me to act strangely. I had no more understanding of my actions than anyone else. Logically, I knew I was behaving badly; I did not want to act that way, but I seemed powerless to change.
God began to teach me about emotional addictions, showing me that in the same way that people can become addicted to certain chemical substances in their physical bodies (i.e., drugs, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, sugar), they can also develop mental and emotional addictions. Remember, an addiction is compulsory behavior done without thinking it through. My violent reactions were basically my way of saying to others, “You are not going to control me!”
I was so fearful of being controlled that I overreacted to every situation, trying to protect myself when there was no real problem. The rage said, “I will not let you control me!” And the withdrawal said, “I refuse to get involved with you!” A person cannot get hurt if he refuses to get involved. Therefore, whenever anything painful occurred in any of my relationships, I either attacked it or refused to deal with it at all. Both of these types of behavior are out of balance and unscriptural; they only increase the problem of addiction by feeding it.
If a person is addicted to drugs, then the more drugs he takes, the more he is likely to need. The longer he allows his addiction to control him, the more it demands from him. Eventually it will consume him. The addiction must be broken. And that means denying the flesh the substance it is accustomed to, and going through the pain of withdrawal in order to get free of it. The same principle applies to mental or emotional addictions.
ADDICTED TO WORRY AND REASONING
One of my mental addictions was worry. I worried and worried and worried. Even when there was nothing to worry about, I found something. I developed a false sense of responsibility, always attempting to solve problems for which I had no responsibility or solution. I reasoned, figured, and lived in constant confusion.
As a result, my mind was continually filled with worry and reasoning. Although it made me physically and mentally exhausted and stole any hint of joy in my life, I could not seem to control it. Worry and reasoning were my automatic responses to any problem. Although my behavior was abnormal, it was normal for me because that was the way I had always reacted to problems.
The Word of God says, “Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord” (Psalm 37:3). However, trust is not an easy thing if you have been abused. The people you trusted to take care of you did not do it; instead, they used you. They hurt you terribly, so you made a promise to yourself that nobody would ever hurt you again. You do not wait to discover whether others will hurt you or not; you simply put up walls of protection around yourself to shield yourself from harm.
One of the ways you protect yourself is by trying to figure out everything. If you can accomplish this, you think you have everything under control, and there are no surprises to upset you.
When God began to work in my life, He showed me clearly that I was addicted to worry and reasoning, and that I had to give them up. If there was a problem in my life, and I was not trying to solve it, then I felt totally out of control inside. You must remember that I wanted to be in complete control of everything that was going on around me—that way I thought I would not get hurt.
I believed that I would take good care of myself, but I did not believe that anyone else would take care of me.
DENY YOURSELF
Jesus said, “If anyone intends to come after Me, let him deny himself [forget, ignore, disown, and lose sight of himself and his own interests] and . . . follow with Me [continually, cleaving steadfastly to Me]” (Mark 8:34).
As the Lord continued to work with me in His patient ways, He taught me that I could trust Him, and that I could believe He was working on my problem even when I was not. My part was to step out in faith and refuse to worry or reason. I had to deny my mind the addictive behavior it was accustomed to; as I did so, eventually I was set totally free from it.
I did have some withdrawal symptoms—feeling afraid, out of control, and even stupid, at times. (The devil will try anything to keep a person in bondage—even making him feel ridiculous.)
In Mark 8:34 Jesus teaches us that in order to follow Him, we must deny ourselves, and our way, and choose His way. My way was to take care of myself. His way for us is to deposit ourselves with Him and learn by experience that He will never fail us or forsake us (see Hebrews 13:5). In order to learn this truth, I had to first give up my way.
LIKE A WEANED CHILD
The psalmist must have been aware of the same things we are discussing in this chapter on breaking addictions when he wrote: “Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me [ceased from fretting]” (Psalm 131:2). He even mentions his soul being weaned.
The soul is often defined as the mind, will, and emotions. We see from this scripture that these areas may become addicted to certain types of behavior just as the body may become addicted to certain types of substances.
By denying my mind the privilege of worrying and reasoning, I was weaned from my mental addiction just as a baby is weaned from its bottle or pacifier. And even as the baby has fits of crying and trying all sorts of ways to get the bottle or pacifier back, I also had fits of anger, crying, and self-pity. I even had occasional attacks of fear, but I continued to conform myself to God’s way until I was totally delivered from following my way.
Jesus said that He came to release the captives (see Luke 4:18), and that he whom the Son has set free is free indeed (see John 8:36 KJV).