The Two Kinds of Pain
EVEN WHEN WE allow the Holy Spirit to lead us, emotional healing is still painful. But I believe there are two kinds of pain: the pain of change, and the pain of never changing and remaining the same. If you will let the Spirit of the Lord direct your recovery program, He will always be there to provide the strength you need in each phase, so that whatever trials you may have to face, you will be able to bear them.
The Lord has promised never to leave us nor forsake us. This promise in Hebrews 13:5 is so powerful: “Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]”
We need to hold on to that promise when we are tempted to get ahead of God. If we begin to “do our own thing,” we are in dangerous territory. Our heavenly Father is under no obligation to sustain us in bearing trials that were never a part of His plan for us. We may well survive, but the process will involve much more struggle than was necessary.
The pain of emotional wounding and healing can be even more traumatic than physical pain. When you are following God’s revealed plan, and you come to painful times, remember that the Holy Spirit is the Strengthener. Sometimes it may seem that you are not going to make it through. At such moments, ask the Lord to strengthen you.
A great scripture to memorize for these difficult times is 1 Corinthians 10:13 in which the apostle Paul reminds us:
For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin, no matter how it comes or where it leads) has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently.
With such hard times come many temptations. Among these is the temptation to give up and revert to old thoughts and ways, to become negative, depressed, and angry with God because you do not understand why He does not seem to be providing the way out of all the pain you have had to bear in your life. Yet this passage of Scripture tells us that God will always intervene on our behalf and that His help will always arrive on time. Purpose in your heart to hold on and not let go!
Another helpful passage is found in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9 in which Paul refers to his own suffering because of what he calls “a thorn (a splinter) in the flesh” (v. 7). It really does not matter what the thorn was, but we know it irritated him and he wanted it removed. Whatever it was, three times Paul sought God to take it away. Yet the Lord’s answer to him was, “My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness” (v. 9).
We are not always delivered from our distress at the precise moment we call on the name of the Lord. Sometimes we must endure for a while, be patient, and continue in faith. Thank God, during those times in which the Lord decides for whatever reason not to deliver us right away, He always gives us the grace and strength we need to press on toward eventual victory.
Do you ever wonder why God does not always deliver us from our bondage and problems immediately? The reason is because only the Lord knows everything that needs to be done in the lives of His children—and the perfect timing for it to be done.
From my own experience, I have learned to trust rather than to question. It is not wrong to ask God why, unless that questioning produces confusion, in which case it is much better simply to trust the Lord, knowing that He is never wrong—and that He is never late! Often we understand the why behind an event or situation only after it is all over and we can stand on the other side of it, looking back on it. There are many experiences in my life that I certainly did not understand while I was going through them. Now, however, I have come to understand something of their meaning and purpose.
Going through trials is painful. In my ministry, I often share with people that the book of Revelation says that we overcome the devil by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony (see Revelation 12:11 KJV). A testimony of victory in any area of life is important. However, in order to have a positive testimony, it is necessary to have successfully overcome some hardship or opposition.
The painful part is what we must go through while we are being tempted and tested; the glorious part comes after we have finished going through the trial and can then testify of the great victory and God’s great faithfulness. We have no testimony without a test.
DOORWAYS OF PAIN
Because I personally experienced so much emotional pain, as you may have done also, I grew weary of hurting. I was attempting to find healing by following the leadership of the Holy Spirit. Yet I could not honestly understand why the process had to be so painful. I felt that if I were to be able to continue enduring the pain, I had to have some answers from the Lord. I was actually improving, getting better, gaining a victory here and there, but it seemed that every time I made any progress, the Lord would bring me into a new phase of recovery that would always mean more pain and emotional upset.
As I prayed about my situation, God gave me a vision. In my heart, I saw a series of doorways—one after another. Each represented a traumatic event in my past life that had brought pain when it had occurred. The Lord showed me how that each time I went through one of the painful events or situations (being sexually abused at home; being ridiculed at school because I was overweight; being unable to have any close friends; being subjected to constant fear; being abandoned by my first husband; being betrayed by a group of friends at church; and so on), it was a new doorway of pain, through which I was forced to pass.
I can remember vividly the anguish of fear, rejection, abandonment, and betrayal—and so can you if you were a victim of these abuses that place people into such bondage.
When I finally allowed the Lord to work in my life, He revealed to me I had been hiding behind many such “doorways of pain.” I was deep in bondage, taking refuge behind false personalities, pretenses, and facades. I was simply unable to understand how to free myself. When the Lord began to deliver me from bondage, it hurt.
I now understand that in order to be led out of bondage and into freedom, we must pass back through the same, or similar, doorways of pain that we previously went through so that we can get on the other side of them. When we are taken into bondage through doorways of pain, we must pass through the same doorways to get out of its captivity. Both times through the doorways is painful, first from the actual abuse, and again from the memory of it.
In order to deliver and to heal us, the Lord must lead us to face issues, people, and truths that we find difficult, if not impossible, to face on our own. Let me give you several examples:
Example One
I was always terrified of my father. Even as a grown woman in my forties, with four children of my own, I was still frightened of him. Many painful events had brought that fear into my life.
I was forty-seven years old before the Lord led me to finally confront my father. I will share more about this confrontation later in this book, but I had to look my father straight in the eye and tell him, “I am not afraid of you anymore.”
When I finally spoke to my father about the abusive way he had treated me, I did it in obedience and by faith, but not without “fear and trembling” (see Philippians 2:12 KJV). I had come face to face with one of my doorways of pain. I knew that either I could go back through it and come out free on the other side, or I could stay in bondage behind the door, hiding, and remain forever afraid of my own father.
It is important to note that I confronted my father, who was the primary cause of my pain, only because the Holy Spirit led me to do so. Do not confront your abuser just because I did it. You must pray and listen to God’s leading concerning the right steps to your deliverance.
Example Two
Sometimes people get hurt in the church by other Christians. Somehow we seem to think that believers should not hurt other believers—and they shouldn’t. But things are seldom as they ought to be, even in the lives of God’s people. We in the Church do hurt one another, and it does cause pain.
Frequently, when this happens, the injured party withdraws from any association or involvement with the ones who caused the pain. Hiding behind a doorway of pain, the wounded individual may decide: “Since I got hurt at church, I will continue to go to services (maybe), but I will never get involved with those people again.” That is a form of bondage, because the person is allowing the past to control him.
God will bring us to a place in which we must step out of hiding and take a chance on being hurt again. When we do step out, it is the equivalent of going back through the same doorway of pain that led us into bondage.
Example Three
Learning to submit to authority can be difficult for some people. It was extremely painful for me. Since I had been abused by every authority figure I had ever known, my attitude was, “Why should I allow someone else to tell me what to do?” I did not trust anyone, especially men.
When the Holy Spirit led me to the phase of my recovery in which I had to submit to my husband, the battle was on! I experienced a terrible sense of rebellion in my flesh. I wanted to be submissive, because I truly believed that it was scriptural, but the pain of submission was more then I knew how to handle.
I did not understand what was wrong with me. I realize now that submitting to someone else and allowing that person to make decisions for me brought back all the old fears and memories of being manipulated and taken advantage of. Having my father (an authority figure) telling me that the hurtful decisions he was making for me were for my good, and all the time hating so much what he was doing to me, combined with my frustrations at being unable to do anything about it all, did not leave me thrilled about submission.
In order to be set free and to become the whole person that God desired for me to be, I had to learn to submit to my husband. Like many other Christians, I believed that the Scriptures teach that submission of the wife and children to the husband and father as the head of the home is God’s revealed plan for families. I was convinced that this principle is set forth in His Word and that therefore I had no choice but to submit to it, or be in rebellion against the Lord. But it certainly was painful! Now, I am free and can see the safety and security in godly submission.
Many people get confused about submission. They think that it means that they must do everything an authority tells them to do, no matter what it is. The Bible teaches that we should be submissive only “as it is fit in the Lord” (Colossians 3:18 KJV).
I trust that these examples will help you understand the “doorways of pain” and how they must be faced. Do not look upon them as the entrance to suffering but as the threshold of recovery. Jesus will always be with you to lead you and strengthen you as you pass through these gateways to wholeness.
Remember, pain is really a part of the healing process. If a person falls on concrete and skins his knee badly, he will most definitely hurt. The next day, the pain may be even worse than when the wound was fresh. By that time a scab may have formed over the wound, which is a sign that his body is involved in the process of healing. But although now covered with the protective scab, his wound is also drawing, burning, and throbbing because of the increase of blood rushing to bring healing to the affected area.
The initial wound brings pain, but often healing brings even worse pain. Yet they are not the same kind of pain, nor do they have the same result. Some people’s emotional wounds have been ignored for so long they have become infected. That kind of pain is totally different from the pain of healing. One is to be avoided; the other is to be welcomed.
NO PAIN, NO GAIN!
I gained an excellent piece of wisdom through personal experience: Do not be afraid of pain! As strange as it may seem, the more you dread and resist the pain of healing, the more you increase the effect that pain has upon you.
An example of this truth happened years ago when I went on a fast for the first time in my life. God called me to a twenty-eight-day juice fast. In the beginning, I went through some really hard times. I was very, very hungry. In fact, I was so famished that I was in actual pain. As I cried out to the Lord, complaining that I just could not stand it any longer, He answered me. Deep within me I heard the “still small voice” (see 1 Kings 19:12 KJV) of the Lord say to me, “Stop fighting the pain; let it do its work.” From that time on, the fast was much easier, even enjoyable, because I knew that every time I felt discomfort, it was a sign of progress.
The rule is that the more pain is resisted, the stronger it becomes. When a pregnant woman goes into labor, the advice she is given by her attendants is, “Relax.” They know that the more she fights the pain, the stronger it will become, and the longer the delivery process will take.
When you are going through a difficult time, when the pain becomes so severe that it seems to be more than you can endure, remember Hebrews 12:2: “Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
ENDURANCE PRODUCES JOY
When you are experiencing pain, do not fight it. Allow it to accomplish its purpose. Remember this promise: “They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing” (Psalm 126:5). Learn to endure whatever you need to, knowing that there is joy on the other side!
Healing may be painful, but you have nothing to lose. You are hurting anyway; you may as well reap the full benefit of your suffering. As long as you allow past abuse to keep you in bondage, you will live in continual pain. At least the pain of healing produces a positive result—joy, instead of misery.
Let your pain lead you out of bondage, not deeper into it. Do the right thing, even if it is hard. Obey God and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, knowing that “weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).