unnamed

“Has she cried yet?” I could hear the hushed tones of Jason and Quinn as they talked about me. I didn’t even bother to look up from my book. At some point in the past few weeks, my friends had all taken to talking about me as if I were absent. I knew I should be mad about it, but I just couldn’t find it in me. Right now I was doing everything I could just to make it through each day.

I continued to stare at the open book in my hands. I couldn’t even tell you which book it was. It didn’t matter. They were all the same right now. They were an escape. Not that I actually read any of them. The words on the pages were nothing more than black ants crawling across the pages. The books were my shield. When I held an open book, no one asked me if I was okay, if I wanted to talk, or if I needed anything. I’d had enough of those questions.

“No, but my dad said to just be patient. Everyone reacts to grief in their own way. Sylvia always works things out in her own mind before she lets others in. She’s doing that now. Just let her process this in her own way.” Quinn was beginning to show his frustration with the questions too, or maybe it was his frustration with me. He had spent day and night at my side and it was really wearing on him.

“It’s been almost a month, and she hasn’t cried since the night it happened?” Jason asked. Had it really been that long? All my days just seemed to blur together. I didn’t hear anymore, I didn’t want to hear anymore. I looked at the book, but all I saw was Dad’s ashen face, lifeless and gone just like my mom’s.

That was when I had stopped crying and let the numb soak in. That wasn’t Dad there. It wasn’t him on that table, it couldn’t be him. I didn’t want it to be him. I wanted Dad to remain warm, and thoughtful and comforting. I wanted him to be trustful yet worried. I wanted him alive like I’d left him. The body laying there was not my dad. The sobs slowed to nothing but a hiccup as I turned and walked from the room. I didn’t know what Quinn said to the man in that cold, stark room. I just wanted to leave. There were things to be done and calls to be made.

Try as I might, that was still the vision I saw. I had to go identify the body and now that would always be the last image I had of him. There was no coffin and no viewing of the body at the funeral. Dad hadn’t wanted any of that. It had been too hard on both of us with mom’s funeral. In its place, there was a picture of him in a big frame on an easel with a plain, black urn sitting on a table next to it. That was all I remembered of that day. The fucking plain black urn that held my father.

It was all so sudden. With my mom I had time to prepare. Not that it was easy or that I wasn’t sad when she passed away. I was just ready for it. Relieved even. I had been able to show her my love and say my goodbyes. I knew that last time I hugged her that it was the last. I knew I never would feel my mom’s arms around me or hear her heart beat as I held myself close to her. I didn’t get that with my dad. We had plans to see each other again. Our hug and goodbye was cut short with the risk of the oncoming storm. It didn’t bother me then. I knew we had Christmas coming and I would see him soon. I just wanted to hurry and go before he asked more about what was bothering me. The regret of it all settled in me causing me to internalize it all. I just didn’t know how I should react. So I just sat in my silence.

“Is she at least talking?” I knew Jason’s concern over this. He was worried that I had reverted back to the way I had been when Quinn left.

“Yes, Jason. I am talking.” Silence fell across the room as both turned to look at me. “I am talking, and now I am tired and I am going to bed.” With that, I got up and went to my room. I was tired, but I wouldn’t sleep. I just wanted out of the room.

I was being incredibly rude and I knew it. I had used up my quota of quiet graciousness within the first few days. For being a terrible liar, I felt I had put on a good act for everyone. Between Shelly and Quinn’s mom, Marie, everything had been taken care of. All I had to do was shake hands and receive hugs and listen to countless numbers of people tell me they were sorry.

I gave a short bitter laugh. They were sorry? They weren’t the ones who caused him to be out on icy roads. No, I was the one who caused that. If I had told him about Beau, he wouldn’t have been on his way to see me. He should have heard it from me and not as secondhand stories passed from Jason to Brad. I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling.

Quinn’s voice was quiet and restrained as he talked to Shelly on the phone. I didn’t process much of the conversation, one-sided as it was. I did get that Dad had his suspicions about Beau, and had gone to the station and run a background check on him. He went home and tried to call me, only to find my phone on the counter. He brought it out to Brad’s, hoping Jason could take it back to me. Jason had already left, but before he had he told Brad all about Beau. The combination of the background check and Jason’s stories spurred Dad into coming to Minneapolis. I don’t think there was any more I needed to know from that conversation.

The background check had shown that Beau was wanted for drug trafficking. There was more there, too, but that was the current and biggest of the red flags. At least I hadn’t heard from him since Thanksgiving. I don’t know if he knew Dad was aware of him or what, but he didn’t try to contact me again. Quinn had his own suspicions on that, too, until Brad had woken up.

“I still think Beau had something to do with it.” Quinn’s voice was bitter as he talked to Reed and Sloane. I don’t think he was aware that I was awake. I had been on the couch fighting the odd floating sensation that kept trying to pull me into the void of nothingness. Quinn had talked me into taking the Ambien that his dad had prescribed for me. They both thought I needed to sleep. I didn’t need to sleep. I needed to have my dad back.

I laid there and listened to the three of them talk about the possibilities of Beau having been responsible for the accident that took my father from me. I tried to hold on and understand what they were saying, but the words were jumbled in my altered mind. I wasn’t even sure that had all happened or if that was just my brain flipping through random files and putting them together as I lay in some quasi-conscious state.

I thought about what Brad had told Jason once he was off the respirator. It had been ice and nothing more. Dad had been driving too fast, intent on getting to me as soon as he could. The freezing rain had turned to snow, and the road crews couldn’t keep up with the clearing and sanding. Dad had taken a turn too fast and tried to slow down, but ended up skidding off the road and into the trees.

“There was nothing that could be done.” Alex’s voice was still calm, even though it was laced with sadness. He was explaining to Kai and Kerri what had happened. I suppose he had told me, too, but that was the first time I remembered understanding it. “Even with the seat belt and airbag, it sometimes happens. The force of the impact caused a significant rip to his aorta. He bled internally before help could even get there. Even if they had gotten to him quickly, I don’t think it would have made any difference. The tear was too severe.”

I rolled over and buried my head in the pillow. I constantly had flashes like this over the past couple weeks. Sometimes they were mixed in with the events surrounding my mother’s death too. I couldn’t seem to stop them. They came mostly at times when I tried to sleep. After the night I had been given the Ambien, I’d refused any type of sedative. I didn’t like the void -- the sheer nothingness -- I couldn’t pull myself out of. I would rather deal with whatever state my own mind put me in than that black hole. I actively tried to push any thoughts from my mind as I repeated a lullaby in my mind over and over. Finally, Quinn came in and laid down beside me. He pulled me to him and just held me with my ear resting against his chest. Soon the lullaby turned into numbers as I counted the beats of his heart.

I felt him drift off to sleep next to me. Quinn had been my constant these past few weeks. I was grateful for his presence. He let me be without asking questions. He didn’t try to push me to deal with my grief. He just accepted whatever mood I was in and adjusted himself accordingly.

It was hard to watch all those around me go on with life as normal. I wanted badly to do that, too. I needed the escape it would bring me. Kai had made arrangements with all my professors to turn my work in and take my tests after break. I appreciated it, but I needed to be doing something. I turned most of it in. Quinn convinced me not to take any of my end of the semester tests until I came back.

Everyone was finished now. They had all left for their vacations. Kerri and Reed went to visit Reed’s family. It would be the first time Kerri would meet his family. Kai brought Sloane home with her. They had all invited me to go with them. I knew they really meant it, and it wasn’t just out of pity. But I didn’t want to bring down anyone’s holiday cheer.

That was the reason Jason had been over earlier. Brad had been home for awhile. He was recovering from a collapsed lung. Jason had wanted me to go to Lakeport with him. I couldn’t do it, it was too close to Quarry Springs. That and there was just too much of Dad there, and I knew that I wasn’t ready for that yet. I had to keep the bandage on however I could; because once it came off I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop whatever poured out. I wanted to be alone when that happened. I went back to counting Quinn’s heart beats until I dozed fitfully.

Quinn was already up and in the other room when I awoke with a start. I had dreamed that I was in Kai’s car, telling Dad that everything was fine and I would see him at Christmas. Then the picture morphed into that black urn with a red bow on it. I laid there and let my heart rate slow down as I realized today was the day I would have been heading back to Quarry Springs to have Christmas with Dad.

I finally got up and gathered things for a shower. I could hear Quinn in the kitchen. I hoped he wasn’t making anything for me. I didn’t feel like eating. I slipped into the bathroom as quietly as I could. I didn’t want Quinn to know I was awake yet. I was in a bad mood, and I just wanted to be alone.

This would be my first Christmas alone. Christmases had never been a huge affair for us since mom’s death, but I had always had Dad. Now it was just me. I was an orphan. I would never go home again for my family Christmas or Thanksgiving or Easter or any holiday. I was truly alone. I was empty and hollow and just couldn’t make myself feel anything.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. The others had agreed to have our own little Christmas party after everyone came back from break. I hadn’t been ready for anything before they left, and they were all giving me time. I would have to go shopping before they came back and buy some gifts. Maybe shopping would help me feel normal again. I hadn’t even been to the grocery store. Quinn had been taking care of all of that for me.

I finished my shower, dressed, and went back to the bedroom. I just wanted to be alone. No one left me alone. I wasn’t going to do anything and Beau wasn’t in the picture, so I didn’t understand why they couldn’t just back off and give me my space. I opened the curtains to look out at the gray day. It was a lot like my mood.

I stood there and watched the cars drive by. Everyone was going on and I was here. I needed to move on. Dad wasn’t coming back, and I had to get use to that. It wasn’t fair. It shouldn’t have been him. He should have just waited. Damn Jason for telling Brad. No, it wasn’t Jason’s fault. It was mine. I slapped the wall next to me in frustration. It was my fault that Dad was out in that weather. If I had just told him the truth.

There was a light tap on the door as it opened. “Sylvia?” Quinn whispered his voice full of concern.

“What Quinn? What do you want?” I had no excuse to snap at him like that, but I couldn’t stop it.

“I just wanted to see if you wanted something to eat.” He was standing in the doorway with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. His eyes were scanning my face, trying to figure out where the attitude was coming from.

“If I wanted to eat I would come out and make something for myself. You don’t need to be doing everything for me. I’m a big girl. I can make my own food. You can barely cook anyway.” The last I muttered under my breath.

“I’m sorry, Sylvia, I’ll just let you rest.” He started to back out of the door but I wasn’t done with him yet.

“Just go home, Quinn. You don’t need to be here.” I had had enough of him.

“Sylvia, I just want to make sure you are okay.” He stepped towards me with his arms outstretched. I stepped to the side to avoid his arms. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair before dropping them to his side.

“Don’t you get it? My dad is gone and it’s my fault. I am not okay. I will never be okay. But I can’t stop life for everyone else.” I yelled it as I stepped away from him.

“Sylvia...”

“No. I don’t want to hear it. Just leave. I can’t breathe with everyone hovering around me all the time. You all think I’m just going to get over it and get back to normal, but it doesn’t work that way. It’s not going to be normal ever again. He’s gone. I need to cope, to get used to it, to adjust. But going back to the way things were is never going to happen.”

“We all understand that. No one expects you to just go back. We just want to see you doing alright. We’re worried about you. You never leave the apartment, you barely eat or sleep. You just sit and stare at books you aren’t even reading. Please, Sylvia...”

“Do you know what today is?” Quinn shook his head. “Today was the day I was supposed to go home for Christmas. When I left, I told Dad everything was going to be fine and that I would see him for Christmas. I lied to my dad the last time I saw him. Everything wasn’t fine and because of that he’s not here for Christmas.”

I had to turn away. Quinn’s brown eyes were full of pity and my own were starting to sting.

“Go home, Quinn. Go see your parents. Enjoy them while you have them. You need to be with them for Christmas, not here with me.” I said it quietly, trying to get the words around the lump that was forming in my throat.

“Sylvia, I’m not leaving you. I told you that. Mom and Dad know that I’m not going to leave you alone and they are fine with that. They understand.” He moved closer to me again. This time I pushed him away.

“You don’t get it. I. DON’T. WANT. YOU. HERE.” I shouted it at him giving him a shove with each word. “Just get the hell out.”

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him tighter. I didn’t want this. I struggled in his arms, fighting to get myself free. I kicked out at his shin and he let me go. I backed away feeling a little like a trapped animal.

“Sylvia, just calm down. Take a deep breath. It’s going to be alright.” I think he was trying to convince himself of that more than me. I could feel the tears coming. It was all just building, and I didn’t want him to witness it when the dam broke.

“I never asked you for your help. I don’t want it. I’m sick of you being here. If it weren’t for you, I would never have stayed with Beau so long in the first place. It’s your fault I stayed with him, and it’s your fault I didn’t tell Dad.” The pressure was building with every lie I told. I couldn’t take the look on his face. He was crushed. His whole face crumpled with pain and guilt. I forced myself to stay and watch as I completed this. “So just get the fuck out!”

I watched as his eyes welled up with tears and his lips trembled. I pointed at the door. I could see that he was warring within himself. I was afraid he wouldn’t leave.

“If you don’t go, I will.”

He turned and left the room, his shoulders hunched in utter defeat. I watched him walk down the hall. I stepped to the door in the bedroom and kept my eyes on him as he grabbed his jacket and a few other things. When he reached the front door he turned back to look at me. I stared back, trying to keep my face hard and the tears hidden. It looked as if he wanted to say something but thought better of it. He opened the door and walked out. As soon as I heard the door slam, I threw myself on my bed letting it all come out.

I cried for hours. I let all the hurt and frustration out. I screamed and I kicked. I yelled at my father for being so damn overprotective and going out in a storm. I yelled at him for leaving me when I needed him. I paced around the apartment ranting about Jason telling Brad. I cursed at myself for being so stupid to have fallen for someone like Beau. I raged over everything in my life, things that were long past I let out. For my mom dying and my dad for him never moving on, for always having to be the one to take care of everything. It wasn’t fair. Nothing had been fair. I cried for Quinn leaving me, for never being more for Jason, and for losing my dad. Finally I cried for myself.

I let all the hurt, anger and guilt pour from me. The tears came in torrents, flooding down my face, soaking my clothes and my pillows when I finally went back to my bed. Slowly they turned into a trickle. My head hurt and my throat ached and my body was too heavy to lift. I laid in my bed and let the darkness pull me under into a full, dreamless, healing sleep.

The first thing I was aware of was the complete stillness around me. There were no voices in the other room, no TV or music, no Quinn moving around, and no Quinn breathing beside me. For a moment I was just relieved. Then I remembered the day before, and all the things I had said to him. My heart ached for what I had done. I hadn’t meant any of it. I’d lashed out and hurt the one person who honestly loved me and just wanted me to be okay.

I had to tell him. I had to let him know I didn’t mean it. I went over and knocked on his door. When he didn’t answer, I was worried. Maybe he didn’t want to talk to me. I walked back into my apartment and searched all over for my phone. I’d thrown it down the hall last night when it had started ringing. There were missed calls from Kai. Nothing from Quinn. I didn’t know if that was good or bad. I stared at the phone, working up my nerve to call him. Finally I hit his number. It went to voice-mail. I left a message telling him I was sorry and I hadn’t meant it. I begged him to call me. I was still apologizing when it cut me off. I debated on calling him back, but sent him a text instead.

When I didn’t hear back, I decided to clean myself up. I felt like hell and I was sure I looked like it, too. I went to my room to get clothes and saw some of Quinn’s clothes in a pile on top of the dresser. I hadn’t noticed them before. I looked around and saw more signs of Quinn. There were shoes and books and other little things of his. I walked back to the bathroom and saw his shampoo and soap in the shower. There was a razor and deodorant on the counter. When my eyes landed on his toothbrush in the holder next to mine, it hit me. I wanted him there. With him here I wouldn’t be alone.

I went back to my room to get clothes. I grabbed a simple white t-shirt off his pile of clothes and some stuff from my drawers, then I went back and showered. Once I was in the shower I realized there was the faint scent of him still lingering behind. I picked up his soap and inhaled deeply before lathering it into my loofah. I smiled when I thought of him being in here.

I don’t know when he moved more of his stuff over. It must have been a gradual process. I did know I didn’t want him to take it all back. In fact, I wanted more of it here. I got out, ready to do whatever I needed to get him back. I hurried and dressed and checked my phone. There was a new text.

Chapter 18 - Sylvia