“I SHOULD’VE LET YOU DRIVE,” LAURA SAID.
“It’s cool,” Justin said.
“You can drive us back home.”
They were on the long stretch of causeway between Portland and Corpus, driving to his appointment with Letty. On either side of the bridge, the water looked like mica. Had they been on solid ground, or if the causeway had sufficient shoulders, she would have pulled over and had Justin get behind the wheel. Letting him drive hadn’t entered her mind until late, and she thought the oversight explained why he hadn’t said much in the last twenty minutes. She felt dim, but also relieved to find such a handy explanation for how clammed up he was.
Gulls canted over the water. A few boats floated out near the ship pass. Laura could still feel the tremble under her skin, but with her hands on the steering wheel, she couldn’t tell if they were actually shaking. The causeway bobbed with the traffic, a subtle lunge and sway that she felt in her stomach, as if each seam were a wave passing underneath. The road nauseated her a little, or it worsened a nausea she’d been feeling all along. Ahead, the steel arc of the Harbor Bridge came into view, along with the shipyards and the USS Lexington. Seeing them exhausted her, made her want to weep. She had no idea why.
“Are you still feeling okay about the Shrimporee?” Laura asked. “I had coffee with that Tracy Robichaud. I think she’s putting together something really nice, but if you’d rather—”
“I’m not worried about it,” he said. He was watching the water stream by outside his window.
They passed pelicans and herons, and the pilings from the old bridge that had come down in a storm whose name Laura couldn’t remember. Her mind was sapped. She wanted to rally for Justin, for both of them, but she also wanted him to open up. She believed she deserved it. Believed she’d earned it. Soon she’d have to relinquish him to Letty for an hour, and just then, with the seams waving under them on the causeway, Laura didn’t want to hand him over. Under normal circumstances, she thought she did a decent job of keeping such possessiveness in check. She knew she shouldn’t feel this envy and resentment, knew she should be thankful that Justin had a professional he felt comfortable confiding in, but today, with all that was behind her and all that lay ahead, she couldn’t fight it. Talk to me, she thought. Tell your mother something real. After his session, he’d be distracted by whatever they’d discussed, by whatever he’d told her that Laura couldn’t know, and then he’d concentrate on driving, on crossing the Harbor Bridge the way his father had taught him.
“Is it Marcy?” Laura asked.
“Is what Marcy?”
“When you take Dad’s truck at night, are you going to see Marcy?”
Justin cracked his neck. He kept his eyes on the water. Laura glanced between him and the road, but he never turned. Wind pushed small waves away from the causeway. The motion put Laura in the mind of a mason smoothing cement with a trowel.
She said, “If it’s her, I can live with that. I won’t say anything. If you’re going to see someone else, I need to know.”
“I’m not visiting Dwight, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Okay,” she said. “Okay, good. Very good. That’s very good to hear.”
“Griff told you?”
“No,” she said. “No, he hasn’t said anything.”
“Then how’d you know?”
The truth was she had no idea how she’d known, or for how long. She just did. She must have known when she’d forbidden Eric from stashing the pistol in the truck, and now she realized she’d been afraid Justin would take the truck out tonight while Cecil and Eric were at the marina, but her knowledge ended there. And yet if she didn’t explain herself, he’d blame Griff. She said, “I touched the hood of the truck one night when I came home from Marine Lab. It was still hot.”
“Clever,” he said, as if proud.
“So, Marcy?”
“I want to, but haven’t yet. I’m worried it’ll be weird. Now that, you know, she knows.”
“Is that why you wanted Dad to teach you how to drive on the bridge?”
“You should start a detective agency.”
“Lots of practice,” she said.
“You’re not mad?”
“I’m supposed to tell you not to see her. I’m supposed to say she’s part of a life that’s gone now and you’ll find someone better, but here’s what I’m going to say: Don’t take Dad’s truck.”
“Why not?”
“It stalls.”
Justin kept watching the water. It was grayer the closer they got to the city.
“You can take my car,” Laura said.
“I can?”
“Just promise to wear your seat belt and not to speed,” Laura said.
“That’s really cool of you, Mom. I promise.”
She was nauseated again, feeling like things were moving too fast and she was making one crucial mistake after another, ruining everything. The exit for Marine Lab came up, and she had to stop herself from taking it. How nice it would have been to introduce Justin to Alice. But Laura didn’t know who was volunteering, and the thought of seeing Rudy or Paul was too much. And it suddenly felt important to deliver Justin to his appointment with Letty, important for Laura to prove, if only to herself, that she could still pass as a responsible mother.
“And Justin?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t go tonight,” she said. “Just stay in your room and try to get some sleep. Tomorrow’s a big day.”
“Okay,” he said.
“Please, honey. I’m serious. Please?”