Chapter Forty-Two

It had been the most difficult day Kat had ever had to live through. A day she would go to bed hoping had all been a terrible nightmare, even though she knew it was shatteringly real.

Breaking the news to Sam that his mother was dead had very nearly broken Kat’s heart, especially when his big green eyes had filled with tears and he’d launched into her arms and sobbed his little heart out. She’d held him tightly while he cried—while both of them cried, in fact. Both knowing the other was the only family they had left.

Sam had finally fallen asleep through sheer exhaustion from the exertion of crying, so Kat tucked him into his bed, vowing she would protect him with her life and do what she could to ensure he was also able to protect himself. Though she wouldn’t be as rigid as Victor had been with her. Sam deserved to enjoy what little childhood he had left.

The thought of navigating life with just the two of them was daunting. And every time she’d even thought about it all evening, a horrid twisting sensation gripped her stomach and she felt sick with the thought of it. But they needed a fresh start. This house carried too many memories to be surrounded by, so soon after such grief. A trip to Europe or the Americas would help them to forget the pain.

Though each time she thought of traveling and leaving her friends, a knot formed in her stomach. And when she considered leaving Marcus, a sense of dread filled her. But what else could she do? He’d only mentioned marriage because he’d been worried about her falling pregnant, which she’d discovered a short time ago certainly wasn’t the case.

Besides, she couldn’t marry him, not with the scandal she could bring to his title if it were ever discovered she was Victor’s daughter and not his niece. Marcus needed a countess who was not only free from scandal, but could actually be a wife and raise his children for him, a skill Kat had no idea if she possessed. The thought of being a mother terrified her. The only role model she’d ever had was Daisy, who turned out to be a murderer.

Fighting, strategy and organizing her informants, were basically the extent of Kat’s abilities. And Marcus deserved so much more than that. He deserved a woman that would know how to look after him and run his household. A woman who didn’t wear trousers, or scale balconies. He needed a countess of refinement and sophistication, not a woman who was secretly illegitimate with a penchant for causing scandals.

For a minute, she was mad with herself. She had to stop thinking of what could never be. And yes, the man might have captured her heart and made her feel things she never had. But that didn’t mean she could throw caution to the wind and marry him. He’d end up hating her, if he knew the truth. And then hating her because she could never live up to being an ideal countess. And him hating her would be devastating, especially considering she was finally being truthful with herself and could acknowledge she’d fallen in love with the man.

How could she have let him worm his way into her heart, a place she was certain was frozen and impenetrable? But he had. Now she just had to work on pushing him away. Which was going to be difficult, especially as he was now waiting for her in the library, refusing to leave until she spoke with him.

Bracing herself, and putting on her most frosty of expressions, Kat made her way to the room. At the door, she stood there a moment as her eyes met his from across the space, to where he was standing beside the window.

“How is he?” Marcus asked, obviously referring to Samuel.

“Finally asleep.” She walked into the room and went to stand by the hearth, as far from Marcus as possible. “You didn’t have to return. I know there’s a lot to sort out with your brother’s exoneration.”

“I’ve already gotten Sir William onto all that, and he’s ensuring Nathaniel will be fully cleared,” he replied. “And I did have to return, as I will always be here for you.”

“Don’t say that, Marcus,” she all but pleaded him.

He went to take a step toward her, but she held up her hand. “No. Please don’t. I can’t think clearly when you’re too close to me…”

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” A soft smile spread across his lips. “And for what it’s worth, I haven’t been able to think clearly since meeting you. You’ve been in my thoughts like a constant spinning wheel. I wake up thinking about you. I go to bed thinking about you. Damn it, I think about you nearly every minute of the day.”

“Stop. Please.” She put her hand up to halt him. “Whatever this is between us can’t keep going on. We can’t keep having an illicit affair.”

“I don’t want to keep having an affair.”

“You don’t?” The words deflated her. “Well, that’s good, then. We’re in agreement.”

“I want to marry you.”

Her heart started to pound, but then she remembered why he was saying such a thing. “I’m not with child, Marcus. The reason you were going to break your vow to never marry again is gone, hence there’s no reason to marry.”

“But there’s every reason.” He walked across to her. “Now I’m going to lift my hand and place it under your chin, so don’t try and defend yourself.” He grinned while he did so, raising her chin until she was looking him fully in the eyes. “I can’t imagine a world without you in my life. Marry me, Kat?” He smiled. “You see, I’m asking this time.”

His words were a gentle plea and her heart twisted with them. But she couldn’t marry him. “I’ve already told you I can’t marry you. Please don’t ask me again.” She turned her back on him, unable to bear the close scrutiny of his all too penetrating eyes upon her for a moment longer. “Besides, I’ve decided that Samuel and I are going to travel overseas for a bit. I’m going to show him the world he’s never been allowed to see.”

“If you leave, then I will leave, too.” Marcus shrugged. “I’ll come with you.”

“You can’t leave,” Kat replied. The thought was ludicrous. “You have estates to run.”

He raised a brow. “I wouldn’t be able to run my estates, because I’d be spending far too much time worried about what mischief you were getting up to.”

Now it was Kat’s turn to mimic his raised brow. “I don’t need you to protect me, I can protect myself. And I don’t get into mischief.”

“I know you can protect yourself,” he agreed, taking both of her hands in his. “But the truth is I love you, Kaitlyn. I love you so much that the thought of not seeing you every day for the rest of my life hurts me to my core.”

“You can’t love me!” Kat yelled. Didn’t he understand how his words were piercing her heart just like a dagger would, if not more? “It is you who doesn’t understand. I can never be a perfect countess for you. I know how to throw daggers, not dinner parties. Marriage between us would never work.”

“That is nonsense,” Marcus roared back. “I don’t want a perfect countess. I had one of those and look how that worked out. I never want a goddamn perfect countess again. I want you, Kat. No one else but you. And if you won’t have me, then I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Loving you and wishing you’d been more courageous with your heart to entrust it to me, as I’m willing to entrust my heart to you.”

“I can’t marry you.”

“Of course you bloody well can,” Marcus declared. “You’re just scared and being stubborn about it.”

“I’m protecting you.”

“From what?”

“From the scandal of my birth.” She inhaled a deep breath and before she lost her courage blurted out, “You wondered why I always call Victor by his name since he died, and not Uncle Victor? Well, it’s because after his death I discovered Victor was my father, not my uncle. I’m illegitimate. Now do you see why I can’t marry you?” Kat had thought she’d cried all her tears, but suddenly she felt like bawling, but she wouldn’t do so in front of Marcus, not after revealing such a thing.

“I already knew that.”

His words stopped her short. “What? But that’s not possible… No one else except Daisy knew.”

Marcus slowly took a step toward her. He reached over and picked up her hand. Kat let him, stunned into immobility with his pronouncement.

“One night, on the anniversary of your mother’s death, about fourteen years ago, I went over to his residence and found him passed out in his study,” Marcus said. “I helped him up to his room, and when I got him into his bed, he let slip that you were his daughter. He was lucid enough to mention he’d never told a soul before but drunk enough to tell me. So, yes, I know you’re Victor Montrose’s daughter, even though Society thinks you are his brother Edward’s child.”

Kat didn’t know what to say. The fact that he’d known for literally years and had no qualms in asking her to marry him was somewhat incomprehensible. “Don’t you understand what it means, though? If that’s ever discovered, there will be a scandal. Your family could be ruined by it.”

Marcus shrugged and grinned. “What’s another scandal to add to my long list? My wife was an adulterer who was having an affair with a woman assassin, and my brother was labeled a traitor and only now is finally about to have his good name restored. So, really, even if anyone finds out you’re Victor’s daughter instead of his niece, I think that fact rather pales compared to the other scandals I’ve endured. Don’t you?”

Goodness, she wanted to believe him. But everyone she had loved had been taken away from her. If she allowed herself to love Marcus like she wanted to, he’d surely be taken from her, too. “I can’t do it, Marcus. I can’t risk losing you, too. I’d be broken if I did. Who am I fooling? I’m already broken after today, as it is. But if I lost you, too, I wouldn’t survive.”

“Yes, you would, Kat. And you’re not broken.” He gently raised his hand to cup her cheek, and she let him, unable to resist feeling his palm against her skin one last time. “You are the strongest woman I know, mentally, emotionally and physically. You’re hurting after all that has happened today, and that’s human, and only to be expected.

“I love you, Kaitlyn Montrose. And I love that you can throw a dagger better than you can throw a dinner party. I want you for you. I don’t want you to be anyone else, except my Kat. My bossy, stubborn, opinionated, headstrong woman who is one hell of a fighter and who I love more than I ever thought possible to love another person.”

She briefly closed her eyes with his words. Life had taken so much from her, could she really trust it wouldn’t take Marcus from her, too?

“You don’t have to love me back,” he continued. “The love I have for you is more than enough for a strong marriage, I know it. Please say you’ll marry me. Don’t leave me, Kat. I need you. Please be my wife. Make me the happiest man I will ever be…”

His voice broke slightly on his last few words and Kat felt her throat tighten with emotion. This man standing in front of her, baring his heart and soul, was a man she had fallen head over heels in love with. And considering he loved her for who she was and not what she could never be, filled her with a joy she never would have thought possible on such a day.

She did love him. And damn it, if there was anything she learned today, it was that life was short, and you never were promised another day. “I love you too, Marcus.”

“You do?” He seemed full of tempered hope as his eyes scanned over her, like he was checking she had actually said the words.

“Yes, I do.” She placed her own hand on top of his which was still resting against her cheek and closed her eyes, reveling in his touch. Opening her eyes, she said, “But just so we’re clear, you’re also bossy, stubborn, opinionated and decidedly headstrong too. It is not just me.”

“You forgot to mention I’m also a very good fighter, too.” He laughed aloud but then stopped. “Does that mean you will marry me?”

For a minute, the thought of marriage sent a shiver of dread through her. How could she marry? She had no idea how to be a wife and do domestic duties. Daisy had always been the one to oversee such things in their household. How could she be a proper countess for him? But then, as he’d reminded her, he’d had a proper countess and that had turned out disastrously. Perhaps he didn’t need a perfect countess. Perhaps what he needed was an improper one. The thought was intriguing.

She regarded him steadily and then she knew, without a doubt, that Marcus would cherish her always, and still allow her the freedom to be herself. This was a man she’d fallen in love with, who accepted her for who she was, daggers and all. This was a man she could spend the rest of her life with. This man was her love, her life, her future. “Yes, Marcus Black, God help you, I will marry you.”

With a great big whoop of delight, he scooped her into his arms and spun her around in a circle before returning her to her feet. “I love you, Kaitlyn Montrose, and I will love you for the rest of my days.”

And with that declaration, his lips lowered to hers, gently sealing his pledge.