pp. 33–39 (SAMUEL FRENCH, INC.)
April: Hi, April James. Nice to see you.
Dr. Pepper: April James?
April: It’s my professional name.
Roy: You see that, honey? Even with these things on he recognized us.
Dr. Pepper: And what do you do, Mrs. Pitt?
April: What do you mean, “What do I do?” I’m an actress. Thanks a lot, buddy.
Roy: She’s an actress.
April: I don’t even know you but I really needed that little ego boost.
Roy: Honey, of course he recognized me. My movie was on the Late Show last night. “Cold Fingers.” He probably caught it.
April: God knows you did.
Roy: It’s the power of the medium! You know that kind of exposure.
April: “Cold Fingers” should have opened on the Late Show.
Roy: Now don’t start with me.
April: Boy, I really needed that little zap.
Roy: He’s a dummy.
April: You must have seen me in something. How about “Journey Through Hell” for Christ’s sake! You didn’t see me in “Journey Through Hell”?
Dr. Pepper: Were you in that?
Roy: That was my beautiful April all right!
April: You bet your sweet ass it was!
Dr. Pepper: That was a wonderful movie, Mrs. Pitt.
April: You see that? Another zap?
Roy: April wasn’t in the movie. She created the role off-Broadway . . . didn’t get the film version!
April: Boy, this is really my day!
Roy: She was brilliant in that part.
April: I know. Too bad the play didn’t support me.
Dr. Pepper: I enjoyed the film, too.
April: I bet you did.
Roy: Hey. Try to cool it with her, will you?
April: Try Random Thoughts and Vaguer Notions, why don’t you?
Roy: That one was on Broadway. April was one of the stars.
Dr. Pepper: I wasn’t able to catch it.
April: It ran nearly eighty performances. You didn’t exactly have to be a jackrabbit.
Roy: April!
April: Before you zap me again, I didn’t do the movie of that one, either.
Roy: You never read notices like she got for that one. Show ’ to him, honey.
April: They’re in the car. I break my balls trying to make that piece of garbage work and they sign some WASP starlet for the movie version thinking she’s going to appeal to that goddamn Middle American drive-in audience.
Roy: I don’t really think you can call Googie Gomez a WASP starlet.
April: White bread! That’s all she is, white bread!
Roy: (Calling down the aisle.) Hey, that court’s taken, Buddy. We got it reserved.
April: You heard him!
Dr. Pepper: I think that’s the ground keeper.
Roy: That’s okay, Mac! Sorry! Hang in there!
April: Hi! April James! Nice to see you!
Roy: Hi! Roy Pitt! Nice to see you! Ssh! Sssh!
April: What is it?
Roy: I thought I heard our phone.
April: Way out here? What are you? The big ear?
Roy: You sure you told the service where I’d be?
April: Of course I did. I might be getting a call, too, you know.
Roy: I’m expecting an important call from the coast. I’m not usually this tense.
April: Hah!
Roy: This could be the big one, April.
April: Almost anything would be bigger than “Cold Fingers.” (OTTO has appeared.)
Roy: (Starting to do push-ups.) You got one hell of a thirsty star out here, waiter.
April: Two thirsty stars.
Otto: I am not a waiter. My name is Otto.
Roy: Hi, Otto. Roy Pitt, nice to see you.
April: Hi, Otto. April James, nice to see you.
Roy: (Now he is doing sit-ups.) What are you having, honey?
April: A screwdriver.
Roy: I’ll have some Dom Perignon. The champagne.
April: Roy!
Roy: It’s included.
April: Eighty-six the screwdriver. I’ll have the same.
Otto: The Fraulein would like a nice rubdown, maybe?
April: From you?
Roy: Just bring the Dom Perignon, will you?
Dr. Pepper: Oh, and Otto! (He holds up his glass.)
Otto: Jawohl. (He goes.)
April: (Sits, and looks at DR. PEPPER’s wheelchair for the first time.) I want to apologize for earlier when we yelled at you for the ball. We didn’t realize you were . . . like that.
Dr. Pepper: Half the time I don’t realize it myself.
April: We do lots of benefits, you know.
Roy: April’s been asked to do the Mental Health and Highway Safety Telethons two years straight.
April: Easter Seals wanted me last month but they weren’t paying expenses.
Roy: Nobody’s blaming you, honey.
April: I mean there’s charity and then there’s charity. I mean you gotta draw the line somewhere, right? What am I? Chopped liver?
Roy: Easter Seals wouldn’t even send a limousine for her! Our agent told them they could take their telethon and shove it. (ROY is opening up a sun reflector.)
April: What are you doing?
Roy: You don’t mind if we don’t play tennis for a while? I want to get some of the benefits.
April: There’s not enough sun for a tan.
Roy: That’s what you think. It’s a day like this you can really bake yourself. Just because the sky’s grey doesn’t mean those rays aren’t coming through. Make love to me, soleil, make love to me.
April: (She is sitting near DR. PEPPER. ROY is sprawled out with his reflector under his chin. He just loves lying in the sun like this.) What are you in for?
Dr. Pepper: The usual.
April: A bad marriage, huh? That’s too bad. You’re probably wondering what we’re doing here. I know on the surface it must look like we got a model marriage. But believe me, we got our little problems, too. Don’t look so surprised. Roy’s got an ego on him you could drive a Mack-truck with. Show biz marriages ain’t nothing to write home about. Half our friends are divorced and the other half are miserable. Naturally, they don’t think we’re going to make it. Think. They hope. But we’re going to show them. Right, honey?
Roy: Right.
April: Have you had a session with Dr. Pepper yet?
Dr. Pepper: Many. (He picks up the book he took from DOLLY and opens it.)
April: Is he all he’s cracked up to be?
Dr. Pepper: I think so, but of course I’m prejudiced. (He smiles at APRIL and begins to read.)
April: He’s gonna have his hands full with that one.
Dr. Pepper: (Looking up.) I’m sorry . . . ?
April: Skip it. (DR. PEPPER returns to his book. APRIL silently mouths an obscenity at him and turns her attention to ROY.)
Roy: Honey! You’re blocking my sun.
April: You’re just gonna lie there like that?
Roy: Unh-hunh.
April: So where’s my reflector?
Roy: I told you to pack it if you wanted it.
April: I want it.
Roy: You said you didn’t want to get any darker.
April: I’m starting to fade.
Roy: No, you’re not.
April: It’s practically all gone. Look at you. You’re twice as dark!
Roy: It’s not a contest, honey.
April: I mean what’s the point of getting a tan if you don’t maintain it? Roy!
Roy: (For DR. PEPPER’s benefit, but without looking up from the reflector.) Do you believe this? I was with my agents all day and I’m supposed to be worried about a goddamn reflector!
April: Just give me a couple of minutes with it.
Roy: It’s the best sun time now.
April: You know I’ve got that audition Wednesday.
Roy: No. N. O. (APRIL gives up, gets the tin of cocoa butter off the cart and begins applying it.) April’s up for another new musical. They were interested in us both, actually, but I’ve got these film commitments.
April: Tentative film commitments.
Roy: You’re getting hostile, honey.
April: What’s hostile is you not packing my reflector.
Roy: I was busy with my agents. You are getting hostile.
April: I’ve got a career, too, you know.
Roy: (Sitting up, he drops the reflector and motions for quiet.) Ssshh!
April: (Grabbing the reflector.) Hello? Yes, we’re checking on the availability of Roy Pitt for an Alpo commercial!
Roy: Shut up, April! (He listens, disappointed.) Shit. (Then he sees APRIL.) Hold it. Stop it! (He grabs the reflector and lies back.)
April: Roy!
Roy: After that? You’ve gotta be kidding! I wouldn’t give you this reflector if you whistled “Swanee River” out of your ass.
April: I can, too.
Roy: I know. I’ve heard you.
April: Just lie there and turn into leather.
Roy: I will.
April: There are other things in the world more important than your sun tan, you know.
Roy: Like yours?
April: For openers.
Roy: Like your career?
April: Yes, as a matter of fact.
Roy: Will you stop competing with me, April? That’s one of the reasons we came here. I can’t help it if I’m hotter than you right now.
April: That could change, Roy. Remember “A Star Is Born.”
Roy: Well, until it does, love me for what I am: Roy Pitt, the man. But don’t resent me for my career.
April: I know, Roy.
Roy: I love you for what you are: April James, the best little actress in New York City.
April: What do you mean, “best little actress”?
Roy: I’m trying to make a point, honey!
April: As opposed to what? A dwarf?
Roy: If we’re going to have a good marriage and, April, I want that more than anything . . . !
April: More than you wanted the lead in “Lenny”?
Roy: I didn’t want “Lenny.”
April: He would’ve crawled through broken glass for that part!
Roy: I didn’t want “Lenny.” Now goddammit, shut up!
April: I can’t talk to you when you get like that.
Roy: Get like what? You haven’t laid off me since we got in the car.
April: You know I’m upset.
Roy: We’ve all been fired from shows.
April: Before they went into rehearsal? I’m thinking of slitting the two wrists this time, Roy!
Roy: Actually, Heather MacNamara isn’t a bad choice for that part.
April: She’s the pits!
Roy: We’re the Pitts! (Breaking himself up, then . . . ) We liked her in “The Seagull.”
April: You liked her in “The Seagull.” I’d like her in her coffin.
Roy: Obviously they’re going ethnic with it.
April: She isn’t even ethnic. She’s white bread. I’m ethnic. I want a hit, Roy. I need a hit. I’m going crazy for a hit. I mean, when’s it my turn?
Roy: Honey, you’re making a shadow.
April: I’m sorry.
Roy: That’s okay. Just stick with me, kid. We’re headed straight for the top.
April: Roy?
Roy: What, angel?
April: Your toupee is slipping. (ROY clutches at his hairpiece.) Roy wears a piece.
Roy: It’s no secret. I’ve never pretended. It’s not like your nose job!
April: Don’t speak to me. Just lie there and turn into Naugahyde like your mother!
Roy: Honey! I almost forgot. Your agent called! They’re interviewing hostesses for Steak & Brew.
April: Give him skin cancer, God, give him skin cancer, please!
Dr. Pepper: Excuse me, I know it’s none of my business, but how long have you two been married?
April: Three months.
Roy: And you were right the first time, it’s none of your business.
April: But we lived together a long time before we did.
Roy: Not long enough.
April: Eight centuries it felt like!
Roy: Do you have to cry on the world’s shoulder, April?
April: I want us to work, Roy! I love you.
Roy: I know. I love you, too, April.
April: You’re the best.
Roy: We’re the best.
April: You really think this Pepper fellow can help us?
The following is the monologue created from the previous scene.
APRIL (to ROY and DR. PEPPER), age 20s to 30s.
pp. 33—39 (SAMUEL FRENCH, INC.)
Hi, April James. Nice to see you. It’s my professional name. What do you mean, “What do I do?” I’m an actress. Thanks a lot, buddy. I don’t even know you but I really needed that little ego boost. Boy, I really needed that little zap. You must have seen me in something. How about Journey through Hell for Christ’s sake! You didn’t see me in Journey through Hell? You see that? Another zap? I was brilliant in that part. Too bad the play didn’t support me. Try Random Thoughts and Vaguer Notions, why don’t you? That one was on Broadway. I was one of the stars. It ran nearly eighty performances. You didn’t exactly have to be a jackrabbit to catch it. Before you zap me again, I didn’t do the movie of that one, either. I break my balls trying to make that piece of garbage work and they sign some WASP starlet for the movie version thinking she’s going to appeal to that goddamn Middle American drive-in audience. White bread! That’s all she is, white bread!
I want to apologize for earlier when we yelled at you for the ball. We didn’t realize you were . . . like that. (He is in a wheelchair) We do lots of benefits, you know. Easter Seals wanted me last month but they weren’t paying expenses. I mean there’s charity and then there’s charity. I mean you gotta draw the line somewhere, right? What am I? Chopped liver? Easter Seals wouldn’t even send a limousine for me! Our agent told them they could take their telethon and shove it. . .. What are you in for? You’re probably wondering what we’re doing here. I know on the surface it must look like we got a model marriage. But believe me, we got our little problems, too. Don’t look so surprised. Roy’s got an ego on him you could drive a Mack truck with. Show biz marriages ain’t nothing to write home about. Half our friends are divorced and the other half are miserable. Naturally, they don’t think we’re going to make it. Think. They hope. But we’re going to show them. (To ROY.) Right, honey? You’re just gonna lie there like that? So where’s my reflector? I’m starting to fade. It’s practically all gone. Look at you. You’re twice as dark! I mean what’s the point of getting a tan if you don’t maintain it? Roy! You know I’ve got that audition Wednesday. You’ve got tentative film commitments. I’m not getting hostile. What’s hostile is you not packing my reflector. I’ve got a career, too, you know. Just lie there and turn into leather. There are other things in the world more important than your suntan, you know. Like my career! You may be hotter than me right now but that could change, Roy. Remember A Star Is Born. Roy? Your toupee is slipping. Roy wears a piece. Don’t speak to me. Just lie there and turn into Naugahyde like your mother! Give him skin cancer, God, give him skin cancer, please! (To DR. PEPPER.) You really think this Pepper fellow can help us?
Do not be fooled by all the rage and bitterness displayed by April toward Roy. She loves him and needs him. You (April) are going through a very bad time. Your career is at a low ebb and Roy seems to be doing better than you are. You two are surely extremely competitive. You both have egos a Mack truck could drive through. Not just Roy. You are fighting for him to love you so much that he can pamper you like the baby you are. You as April are not aware that you are acting like a very spoiled little girl. As actress you must understand this. Roy can prove his love to you by sacrificing everything for you. I’m sure even if he shared with you that would not be enough. You would always be expecting more. As a matter of fact, no matter what he does for you it will not be enough. Which is good for you as actress. Keep fighting for his love like a wild animal.
This is a comedy. But there is nothing funny about not being cast in a play or film. There is nothing funny about not doing a benefit unless you are paid for it and given the use of a limo. There is nothing funny about two people fighting and hurting each other. The humor is situational and behavioral. Their marriage is an absurd one. Their relationship could set back the concept of marriage by one hundred years. But, they enjoy what they are doing to each other. It is their very harsh behavior toward one another that allows them to go on. And indeed, here they are in an institution where they can perhaps receive help to continue their relationship. Which means there is love there. Dr. Pepper is their audience. They function very well when there is someone to play to. Which is what they are doing. The whole world is their audience. They are playacting their life before anyone who happens to be there. I bet when they’re alone, they become more subdued and congenial. They are not onstage as much as they want to be so they create their stage wherever they go and they perform their hearts out and love it!