The three of us made our way through the Baublenotts and I was sorry I’d told Fiver to head to Abish Village. That was a long way off. It would take me forever to get back to Cubby, and I wanted to get back to him as soon as possible. I’d left him alone again; I shouldn’t have done that. And for a girl. I knew Lussit wasn’t just a girl, but explaining that to Cubby would be hard. I didn’t think he’d understand at all.
I thought about how to make it up to him as we trudged through the thick vegetation. Maybe I’d get him one of those golden Abish cakes. He’d love the sweet taste of those spongy yellow bricks. Then I’d find the man with all the Abish shrouds. We’d pick one out together, me and Cubby, the most colorful one we could find so Cubby could have his very own. Or we could try and find the little fortune-teller, get her to read Cub’s palm. It wasn’t long ago that I never wanted to see her little face again, never wanted her to look into my soul through the lines on my hand. Whatever she said she’d seen had frightened me, and it had kept me nervous through everything we’d done. But here I was, with Av, and on my way to Cubby. She’d been wrong about me. Completely wrong.
But Krepin wanted his Abish shroud. The Beginners were still coming.
My legs were aching from the effort of moving them through the muddy, swampy marsh, and Lussit was struggling to keep up, her white tunic soaked black from the journey.
“She’s sort of nice-looking, huh?” said Av.
“What?” I blushed, terrified he’d seen my thoughts about Lussit.
“Farka, I mean. She’s nice-looking.”
I tried not to laugh and I saw Lussit bite back a grin. “Sure,” I agreed, though she’d only ever seemed scary to me.
Av stopped. He was watching something in the distance, a lump sitting on a pink-speckled stone.
“That’s Fiver,” he said.
He was sitting there, hunched over, his knees up to his chest.
“Fiver!” Av called to him. Fiver’s head turned to see us, but he didn’t acknowledge us in any way.
“Where’s Cubby?” I said to Av, a cold chill running up my spine. “Cubby!” I shouted, and ran to Fiver as fast as I could through the mud and water that tried to slow me down.
I scanned the landscape, hoping I’d see him bouncing up and down, waving excitedly, but there was nothing. Just Fiver, sitting alone in the middle of the marsh.
Not Cubby.
My stomach tied in knots as I got closer and still Fiver didn’t acknowledge me.
“Where’s Cubby?” I shouted, gulping in air and gripping him by the arms. His eyes were swollen and red. He’d been crying. I felt myself getting sick again.
Not Cubby.
“We were on the roof,” he said, refusing to look at me. “It all happened so fast. I don’t remember letting go of his hand.”
I heard Cubby’s screams in my head, begging me to come back as I ran to find Lussit.
“What happened?” said Av as he and Lussit caught up to us.
My whole body was trembling and my turning stomach was sneaking its way up my throat. I looked at Lussit, her big dark eyes, her perfect lips. She was filthy and tired, but she still looked so beautiful. Her hair was still firmly tied back, her silver band sitting atop her head. I’d left Cubby alone…for a girl.
“A ball,” said Fiver. “I saw a ball of fire. It flew over our heads and—and when it landed, there was so much smoke, I couldn’t see.”
“Cubby!” I yelled at him. “Where is Cubby?”
“I fell,” he said, his voice wavering as tears overtook him. “I fell so far, the entire roof just collapsed, the whole south side of the building.”
I thought of the pile of rubble we’d crossed over at the south side.
“When I landed, it hurt so bad, but I tried to ignore it. I could hear Cubby screaming, he was screaming and coughing and when I could see through the smoke I could see him. He was in the water—”
Not Cubby.
“And he was screaming, trying to fight the river but he couldn’t. He’s just so small.”
“Where is he?” demanded Av, his hands gripping at the roots of his hair.
I thought I might fall down and I crouched to the ground, closing my eyes to keep the world from spinning.
“I tried to get to him,” said Fiver, trying to gain his composure. “I moved as fast as I could but…I was too late. The water was just too strong for him.”
I threw up.
“What…what do you mean?” said Av, but we all knew what Fiver meant.
“He’s gone,” said Fiver. “The falls swallowed him up…. I lost him.”
Everything inside me radiated with grief and I screamed on my hands and knees in the mud. Every silly grin, every angry scowl face flooded my memory, and all I could see was him. I’d had him, I’d had my Cubby back, and I let him go.
I felt Lussit’s hand on my back and I wrenched myself away.
“Don’t touch me!” I screamed at her. How could I have done it? How could I have abandoned him for her? This girl, this Mother in the making. Cubby was my family. And now he was gone. After everything, I’d failed.