It’s Not Always About You
JUST CALL IT WHAT IT is and stop beating around the bush.
If you’re speaking about women, say women. If you’re using women as a code word for white women, then say white women (of course you can’t really say that because you don’t want to be labeled a racist for not including black women, etc.). If the conversation is about race, then let’s discuss race. If it’s about disabilities, then say so. With LGBTQ+, each letter is a different conversation. Whatever you’re speaking about be direct – don’t beat about the bush.
Gender, race, disability, and LGBTQ+ may not look and sound the way you want them to. But just because they don’t sit well with you doesn’t mean they’re not good. It doesn’t mean that you can just discard people. It doesn’t mean that you can just tolerate them – again, no one wants to just be tolerated.
Labels
I moved into my first boarding house in New York City when I was 15. I was on scholarship with the Joffrey Ballet. There were 80 girls living there – models, dancers, some in school, some in fashion …
My parents dropped me off and I put my room in order and decided to go to the library area since it was a weekend and that’s where many of the girls were hanging out. Of course, the dancers were on the floor stretching.
There was only one other black girl in the house. So needless to say the others stared at me, and then the questions came: “Why are you here?” I responded, “Why are you here?” The other girl said, “I’m on scholarship with the American Ballet.” I said, “I’m on scholarship with the Joffrey Ballet” (yes, we did compete, it’s a dancer thing). I was invited to join them on the floor, so I took a seat. I knew that more questions would come: “Is this your first time living here?” “Is this your first year at Joffrey?” “Have you performed professionally before?” Then I was told to not speak to that girl over there because girls on scholarship don’t speak to girls not on scholarship because they’re clearly not as good. I’m thinking, oh, now I’m a We.
As I stood up I made it clear that I speak to everyone.
I didn’t look like them, but they wanted to make me a We because I was on scholarship, not because they knew me. They could tolerate me because I was close enough to be good enough for them.
They thought the other girl wasn’t worthy because she wasn’t on scholarship. But her good was good enough for me because she had every right to be there, as did everyone else. Just because she wasn’t on scholarship didn’t mean she couldn’t dance rings around us. We didn’t know why she wasn’t on scholarship, so how could we judge her?
But those girls had a box they wanted to check off. Whether that girl was worthy of them saying hello to was about them, not about her. We all need to move past what we see and what we think we know and stop labeling people.
Bias
I worked at Macy’s as a special events manager. I was working on an event with a well-known white male designer. His staff told me that they had an opening on their event team, and that they really liked me and the way I worked, but the designer only wanted blonds on his team. I just looked at her and said, “Well thanks for the compliment, I think, and it’s his loss, not mine. “
In the first story the person was judged even though people didn’t know her. In this one, the person was known, but the bias of race was stronger than the appreciation of talent.
Privilege
A preacher dressed like a homeless person and went to his church and took a seat. Most of his congregation moved away from him. He slowly stood up, and people yelled for someone to escort him out, until he went to the pulpit and they realized he was their preacher. He was saddened by their reaction and by how they treated someone they felt wasn’t as privileged, clean, or sophisticated as they thought they were.
My good doesn’t need to wear the same outfit as your good in order to be able to share the same message.
Part of looking at others as if they’re not good enough is privilege, privilege of:
• Color
• Nationality
• Age
• Size
• School
• Ancestor
• Zip code
• Housing
• Clothing
• Appearance
• Title
• Clubs and Memberships
• Money
• Health
Here’s the thing about privilege – it can be used for good. Let me repeat that: privilege can be used for good.
I’ve been in several meetings where leadership stated that they recognized that their whiteness was a privilege, and they felt that they could only be involved in Diversity and Inclusion decisions to a certain extent because they were white men. That may be partially true. But the truth is that your privilege of title can help push through what’s needed. Your privilege may be the voice we need to help us be heard. Don’t use your privilege as an excuse for not looking. Don’t use your privilege as an easy out of situations that make you uncomfortable. Use your privilege for good. We need you!
What you don’t know may make you uncomfortable. So what?!
More Stories
I’ve been asked to share the following stories given to me by others, and I think they belong in this chapter.
Food
Some companies have a kitchen or lounge area for lunch or breaks. When someone heats food the smell can linger, which is pleasant for some but not for others. The issue is the smell of the food, which is cultural. Employees shouldn’t fear that they’ll be ridiculed for bringing in the foods they’re accustomed to eating and enjoying.
Why is your sandwich better than someone else’s lunch?
Disabilities
A team of disabled athletes was flying to a tournament. They had fulfilled all the requirements necessary for a large group and for those with disabilities. They called ahead and said how many players and coaches would be traveling, along with the number of wheelchairs and able-bodied travelers. They asked for the normal assistance provided for those with disabilities, along with aisle chairs and chair tags.
If you’re in a chair, you want to stay in your chair until it’s time to board because the chair is your legs. It gives you the freedom to go to the restroom, get food, have a drink – the same things that able-bodied people do.
When it’s time to board, you’re lifted from your own chair to the aisle chair. Your chair is then supposed to be folded and placed under the plane with the proper tags so that if you have a connection, your chair is put on the connecting flight, or if you’re at your final destination, your chair is at the gate. Once you’re in your seat, the aisle chair is taken off the plane. You have no way to go to the restroom until the plane lands and you get your chair back (if you get it back).
In this instance, somewhere along the line someone decided to take the wheels off the chairs. So the team members were between flights with no chairs because the aisle chairs were only to get them on and off the plane (more on that in a moment). So there were ten athletes unable to do anything and people trying to figure out what wheels went on what chair. And no one wanted to take responsibility.
I unfortunately advised them first to go on Twitter and tag the airline. The airline responded but brushed them off with an offer for vouchers. The team wasn’t happy about the vouchers, so I advised them to reach out again and direct message the airline. I also advised them to file an ADA complaint with the federal government because this wasn’t the first time that this airline damaged wheelchairs and had issues with the disabled community. This story is still unsettled as I write this.
What makes you with your legs better then someone in a chair? And why are your bodily functions more important? The good of the disability community (the ones you see and the ones you don’t see) may look different from yours, but that doesn’t mean that your good is better or more important than theirs!
Affecting Others
What I do affects others as well as me. My good may look different from your good, but it isn’t better, it’s just different. How you move in this world, and how you act and react, can, and most likely will, determine how others can move in this world.
It’s not always about you.
Before you decide if something is as good as you would like it to be, think about how it affects those it’s supposed to be good for. And think about whether their good works for them, not you.
There’s a lot to be done across the globe. No matter where you live and work, Diversity and Inclusion is important and shouldn’t be thought of as add-ons or a trend. It’s hard, it takes work, and we need all voices involved to make change.
Be the change, make a difference, be a champion and an advocate, and work your way toward being an ally.