Nineteen. That’s how old I was when my mama kicked me out of the house after finding out that I was pregnant. I don’t know how she found out, but she did. Seeing how small Tallahassee is, anyone could have said something.
“Every time I try to have something, you get in the middle. He never would have done anything to you if you hadn’t have been shaking your tail in front of him. I told you what would happen if you kept acting fast.” Mama flung everything I owned out in the front yard. “So if you’re grown enough to open your legs, then you old enough to live out here on your own.”
Everyone in the neighborhood was looking and staring as I scooped my clothes off the ground out of the dirt. Mama threw a black garbage bag at me. “Here, a trash bag for trash.”
I didn’t shed a tear. I wasn’t going to give her the satis-damn-faction of her seeing that she had gotten to me. I threw my garbage bag of clothes over my shoulder and walked down the street I was born and raised on, leaving behind everything and everybody that I knew. I struggled to hold back tears, but the harder I tried, the harder they came.
My plan was to tell her nothing until I moved out with a place of my own. I was working as a maid at the time, so I used the money from my check and got a room at the El Camino Motel that was known as the place whores took their tricks. With the little money I was pulling in cleaning white people’s houses, it was the only thing I could afford at the time. I was pregnant, pretty much homeless, and barely hanging on. I paid up for a week until I could get something stable. I thought about going to Willie Patterson to tell him that I was pregnant, but decided that my babies were better off not knowing that they were conceived through rape. They didn’t need a drunk for a daddy. I figured I wasn’t the only girl he had done this to.
I told Mrs. Cozart, this white lady I was working for, that I was available to put in more hours. Her fish belly-white behind was all too eager to work me to the bone, tacking on extra work like washing all ten of her windows in her big, ugly house, to polishing her silverware and cleaning out her stove and refrigerator every other week. Mrs. Cozart paid me a dollar extra if I stayed overtime to wash and fold her and her nasty husband’s dirty drawers. Mr. Cozart was a lawyer, who was always getting fresh with me. He would sneak off to the laundry room where I would wash clothes, and start hugging and kissing on me.
“Come on, now,” he would say. “Give me some of that brown sugar.”
Twice a week I would have to claw that white fool off me. Mrs. Cozart didn’t have a clue, or maybe she did and didn’t give a damn. It was too bad I couldn’t get paid extra for Mr. Cozart pinching and grabbing all over me. I took every penny, nickel, and dime I earned working for them and stashed it away for my babies.
I dreamt of fish the week before I found out I was pregnant. They took my blood and told me what I had already known. I thought about getting an abortion, but when the doctor said that I was pregnant with twins, I knew it was a blessing from God.
I thought I would end up like Mama, a spinster, until I met Edrick.
A day didn’t go by that I didn’t think about him, especially now with his brother Ray-Ray gone. I was glad that Edrick went first because I don’t think he would have been able to handle Ray-Ray dying. I wished Edrick were here. He would know exactly what to do in a time like this. I didn’t think any of this mess with Kashawn would have been happening if Edrick was around. My Edrick had an answer for everything. It hasn’t been easy holdin’ all us together, but I did the best I could do.
The first time I met Edrick, I didn’t meet him. Not in person anyway. I was coming out of IGA when I nearly tripped over a brown leather wallet that was on the ground in the parking lot. I looked inside for an I.D. I remember his wallet was fat with all these business cards stuffed inside it. It barely closed. Along with his driver’s license, Edrick had about five hundred dollars in one-hundred-dollar bills. He looked like a vacuum cleaner salesman on his driver’s license. I thought about taking it to the police station, but it was way on the other side of town. After working twelve hours on my hands and knees for the Cozarts, I was dead tired, so I held on to his wallet until I got back to the motel.
I was walking from work one hot June day when I saw a sign outside of this house over on Saxton Street that read, Room for Rent. This old, lightskinned lady, Ms. Gertie, was renting out the room. She told me that it was her son’s, who was helping starving children over in Africa. When I told her that I was pregnant, her face softened. She even waived first month’s rent. I moved out of that whore-infested motel as fast as my feet could take me. I told Ms. Gertie that my mama had kicked me out of the house, that I didn’t have anybody but my babies. She treated me so nice, cooking and washing my clothes like I was her daughter.
“It ain’t safe for a young girl like you to be out here on your own without a husband.”
She had an old-fashioned way of thinking, like Mama. One thing about Ms. Gertie was that she was some kind of nosey. Getting all up in my business, asking me about my family, if I knew where my daddy was. All I remembered about him was that he left my mama when she was a few years younger than me. I was three. I remembered him being tall and real black, like he had been double-dipped in molasses. He used to pick me up and give me big kisses on my cheek. The last time I heard his name, Mama said that he was killed, shot in the chest in a juke joint over some mess about a woman. Mama was dressed all in black with a big church hat. I wiped away tears that streaked her face. I remembered after that, men were in and out of her life. They would buy me candy, take me to the playground, trying to win my attention, all of them trying to win a role at playing my daddy. Once they drained Mama dry, none of them stuck around long enough for nothing. I swore that I would never end up like her: alone and bitter as hell.
The same day I found Edrick’s wallet, I looked him up in the phone book. I knew he must have been going crazy, looking for his wallet. There were about twelve E. Parker’s in the phone book, so I called every single one listed. After about the eighth call, I had finally reached him.
“Hello, is this Edrick Parker?”
“Yes it is,” he’d said.
I had breathed a sigh of relief. I had told him my name and that I’d found his wallet.
“Thank God. Where did you find it?”
“I was coming out of IGA yesterday and nearly tripped over it.”
“I was turning my car and office upside down, looking for it. My whole life is in that wallet,” Edrick went on.
“Surely not your whole life,” I’d said, fingering through the thick stack of business cards.
“I was about to get on the phone and cancel everything before you called, Liz.”
“Well, I know how it can be when you lose something, especially when your whole life depends on it. I was going to turn it in down at the police station, but they probably would have taken forever and a day to let you know that someone had turned it in. You can come over and get it. I live on 1412 Saxon Street.”
“I can stop by tomorrow after work to get it.”
“I should be here ’round four if that’s good for you.”
“Sounds good,” he’d said. Edrick sounded older and debonair on the phone. I couldn’t wait to meet him, match his voice to a body.
I had thought about Edrick all that day he was supposed to come by and pick his wallet up. Ms. Gertie was off running errands, so I had the house to myself. He’d come by a little after five, pulling into Ms. Gertie’s narrow driveway in a shiny green Gran Torino. He was dressed to a T in a black suit and black wingtips. I had wondered what it was he did for a living, being so dressed up. He looked to be about in his late twenties, early thirties. Turned out, Edrick was thirty-two.
I had checked myself in one of the wicker mirrors Ms. Gertie had hanging in the living room. The whole house, even my room, was filled with wicker furniture. I had put on a little lipstick, some blush, nothing special. I’d waited for him to ring the doorbell. I’d prayed he wasn’t crazy. Didn’t sound on the phone like he was. When I’d heard the bell ring, I’d answered. Edrick had stood behind the screen door, fixing his tie. I could smell his English Musk cologne before he had even walked in the door.
“Are you Liz?” he’d asked.
“I am, and you must be Edrick Parker.”
“Yes.”
“Come on in,” I’d said as I held the screen door open for him. Lord have mercy. This man was good-looking. He looked like a preacher in his suit. He towered over me like he was seven feet tall, with dark-chocolate skin and deep-brown eyes. “Did you have a problem finding the house?”
“Well, I’m from here, so I know Tallahassee like the back of my hand.”
“You, too?” I had given a flirtatious smile.
“You from Tallahassee?”
“Born and raised.”
“Well, ain’t this somethin’, small world.”
“Small town.”
The smell of Dutch apple cheesecake Ms. Gertie had made filled the house. I couldn’t bake to save my soul. I’d tried to make a sweet potato pie once and it had come out all runny. I’d tried again and ended up burning the pies. That was the last time I’d tried my hand at baking anything.
“Oh, let me get you your wallet.” I had put it in one of the end table drawers for safe keeping. “Everything’s in there.”
“It’s fine, Liz. I trust you.”
Edrick had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen on a black man. He could have blinded me, his teeth were so white. Mama always told me to never trust a man who had teeth that white. It meant they had something to hide.
“Something smells good,” Edrick had said.
“I just made an apple cinnamon cheesecake,” I’d lied. “You want a slice?”
“I shouldn’t, but I can’t pass up a smell like that.” Edrick had undone one of the buttons on the jacket of his pricey-looking suit.
“Sit down, I’ll cut you a slice.”
I had gone to the kitchen, plucked a small pie saucer out of the cabinet above the counter, and cut him a big slice. I knew a man his size always had an appetite, and being that he was the size of a refrigerator, he didn’t look as if he missed any meals. I had set the large piece of apple cinnamon cheesecake in front of him.
“Let me get you a fork. I got some coffee, fresh brewed.”
Edrick wasn’t one of these shy kinds of men who tried to come off like he didn’t want to be greedy.
“So how is it?” I’d asked. I acted like I was the one who had slaved away all morning long, making the dessert.
“This is my first time trying apple cinnamon cheesecake, but this is the kind of thing I could marry a woman over.”
My heart skipped a few beats when he’d mentioned marriage. “So what kind of work you do?”
“I own Parker & Son Auto Parts over on South Adams.”
“I know it. I go by there every day on my way to work. I wouldn’t have pegged you as a businessman.”
“What did you think I did?”
“With that suit, I thought you were a preacher.”
“Well, I am a church-going man, but no preacher,” he’d said. “So what about you, Ms. Liz? What kind of work do you do?”
“I’m a housekeeper, working for this well-to-do-family out in Ox Bottom Manor.”
“It’s good work, honest work,” Edrick had said as he cut a piece of the cheesecake away with his fork. “So since you found my wallet, you should let me take you to dinner sometime, maybe go see a picture.”
The last man who ever took me out anywhere was Henry, who took me to a chicken fight.
“All right then,” I’d said.
“So I’ll pick you up Friday night, ’bout eight.”
“I’ll be ready.”
We had spent the rest of the evening talking. I was surprised to find that we had so much in common. Being that we were both from Tallahassee, I wondered why we had never run into each other. I was counting down the days until Friday. I was rummaging through my closet, trying to find something to wear, but they were all clothes I wore to work mostly, nothing good enough to go out in. I was going to dip into the money I was saving up for me and the babies until Ms. Gertie came into my room with the prettiest black dress I had ever laid my eyes on.
“I don’t know, Ms. Gertie. This is too pretty to wear out. I don’t want to get it dirty.”
“I’ve put on a few pounds, so I can’t fit into it, but it’s perfect for you, baby. A few months from now, you won’t be able to get into it.”
We both had grinned. I had gone to the bathroom to try it on and Ms. Gertie was right. It was a little tight in some places, but it was perfect for my date with Edrick. I didn’t want to bore him, but make sure that he would never forget me. I looked at myself in the full-body mirror, rubbing my hand over the small bump that was forming.
“Are you going to tell Edrick about you being with child?”
“Yeah, but I want to see how things go first.”
“Can’t nobody blame you for that. Hold on. I got some black shoes that will go real good with this dress.”
I had wanted to go to Terri’s to get my hair done, but didn’t have the money, so I had done a quick at-home, hot-curler job. By the time I was done, it had looked like I had spent an arm and a leg on my hair. The night of our first date, I had been a mess of nerves. I had drunk some ginger ale to calm the butterflies in my stomach. I couldn’t stay out of the mirror. If Edrick hadn’t noticed how good I looked, then he was blind as a damn bat. I had jumped when I heard the doorbell ring.
“Child, you a mess, calm down,” Ms. Gertie had said as she answered the door.
Edrick was dressed to the nines in a black suit and burgundy wingtips this time, armed with two bouquets of red roses. “You must be Ms. Gertie.”
She held the screen door open for Edrick to walk in. “I am.”
“These are for you.”
“Well, goodness. How nice.”
“And these . . . are for you, sweet lady.”
No one had ever given me flowers before. I was swooning that night. We had gone out on about four dates after, one being a Sunday afternoon picnic in Myers Park. I had made fried chicken, potato salad, cold slaw, and for dessert: apple cinnamon cheesecake.
“Can you do me a favor?”
“What?”
“Close your eyes.”
“What?”
“Close your eyes for me. I have a surprise.”
I had done what he wanted and had shut my eyes.
“No peeking.”
“Oh, Lord, what is it, Edrick?”
“Now you can open them.”
When I did, Edrick had held a ring in his hand. I had gasped.
“Remember when I told you that if you kept cooking like that, I would have to marry you?”
“Oh, Lord.”
“So will you? Will you marry me, Liz? Will you be Mrs. Elizabeth Parker?”
Before I could give Edrick an answer, I knew that I had to come clean with him about me first. “There’s something I need to tell you.” He’d looked at me like a big question mark had formed on his handsome face. “Before I met you, I was in a relationship with a man. And I got…pregnant. I will under—”
Edrick had rested his finger against my lips to stop me from saying another word. “That don’t matter. I love you and I want to marry you. Babies or no babies.”
I had looked at Edrick. “I don’t deserve a man as good as you.”
“You deserve that and a whole lot more. I want to give you everything.”
“Then yes. Yes, I will marry you, Edrick Parker.” He’d slipped the ring on my finger, which was a perfect fit.
Ms. Gertie and I had cried happy when Edrick and I gave her the news. I went to Mama to tell her how good I was doing, that I met a good man and we were getting married, but she wouldn’t even come to the door. I told her that we were going to have a small ceremony downtown at the courthouse, that she was invited if she wanted to come. I prayed that she would, but I had my doubts.
The day of the wedding, I had worn this eggshell-white dress that Ms. Gertie had given me to wear. She’d done my hair up in a tight beehive with tendrils of curls flowing down on both sides of my face. Even my fingernails were painted white. I couldn’t believe that I was going to be somebody’s wife, that I would have a husband. Mama never did come. I tried a few more times to talk to her, and each time, she wouldn’t so much as come to the door, but sit there in her recliner, watching her game shows. After that, I was done trying. I loved Mama, but I was through. I had a husband and two babies on the way.
Edrick bought a house on the north side of town in Apalachee Ridge Estates. It was a damn sight better than the roach motel I had stayed in eight months before. I was sad to have to leave Ms. Gertie, but told her that I would come and visit her twice a week. Edrick was doing real good with the stores and decided to open up a second one on the side of town we lived on. That same year, he bought me a car, a black Monte Carlo with white leather seats. I was crazy about that car, being that it was my first one. I didn’t know how to drive. Edrick would take me out on the weekends on an old dirt road in Woodville and teach me.
Edrick gave me everything I needed for both me and the boys. I decorated one of the rooms all in blue. We filled it with more toys than you could shake a stick at. I quit my job after Edrick proposed. I was glad to finally get away from that ole nasty Mr. Cozart. I used my last check from them to get Ms. Gertie something nice, thanking her for all she had done for me. I got her a gold necklace with a birthstone heart. She had cried when I gave it to her.
By the ninth month, I was so big, it’s a wonder I could fit through my front door. Edrick thought that me being as big as a tractor was cute, but I’d told him, “We’ll see how you feel when you have the ass the size of a cement mixer and have to run to the bathroom every two minutes.” I hated when he rubbed my belly like it was some kind of crystal ball. I was past ready for Kashawn and Deanthony to come out of me.
At 1:16 a.m. on a Tuesday morning, July ninth, my water broke. The new bed sheets I bought were soaked. I just about had to push Edrick’s snoring behind out of the bed to get him to wake up.
“Baby, wake up.”
He grunted awake like a big ole hog.
“Get up, my water just broke.”
He jumped up, bat-shit crazy. I was calmer than he was. On the way to Tallahassee Memorial, I thought I was going to give birth to my babies right there in the car. After ten hours in labor, I gave birth to Deanthony first and Kashawn came two minutes later on July tenth, 11:15, Wednesday morning. I’d always liked the names Anthony and Shawn, but wanted something I knew that no one else would have, so I slapped a “D” in front of Anthony and a “K” in front of Shawn and there it was: Kashawn and Deanthony. Edrick kept taking pictures from every angle of me and the twins until I had to tell him to stop. Giving birth to Kashawn and Deanthony was the second-best thing that had happened to me, next to marrying Edrick.
A year had passed and things couldn’t have been better. The second store was doing better than Edrick had hoped. So much so that Edrick and I started to look for a new house, a three-bedroom for us and the boys. Kashawn and Deanthony were one year old and growing fast. It was the day of our one-year anniversary when Edrick and I met. I had slaved in the kitchen all day, making Edrick’s favorite dishes: roast beef with carrots and red potatoes, field peas, yellow seasoned rice, and crackling corn bread, with Dutch apple cinnamon cheesecake for dessert. The house smelled so good, I had to chase the neighborhood dogs off with a broom when they came sniffing around the house for something to eat. I had been grinning ear to ear all that day, thinking of that first time Edrick had shown up on Ms. Gertie’s doorstep in that navy suit, sweat glistening like Vaseline on his face. I was so captured by how handsome he was, I had forgotten about his wallet.
I was sitting at the kitchen table, shucking some field peas and watching my soaps on the small TV that sat in a corner on the kitchen counter, laughing as I thought about what Mama had always told me about never trusting men whose teeth are too white. As I had run my fingers through the bowl of peas and about to rinse them, the doorbell had rung. I had checked the corn bread in the oven that still was not done yet. I had figured it was Nadine’s little girl, Lynette, going door to door, selling Girl Scout cookies. She knew I was good for two boxes of Thin Mints. I had wiped my hands dry on the yellow apron I had tied around my waist as I’d walked toward the door. Two white police officers were standing on my porch in front of me.
“Good afternoon, ma’am. Are you Mrs. Edrick Parker?”
“Yes, I am,” I’d said, looking at the officers questionably.
“Ma’am, can we come in?”
“What’s wrong?”
They’d had a look to them like they wanted to be anywhere but standing in front of me that day. They’d told me that Edrick had been in a car accident, a head-on collision with a semi. They’d gone on about how apparently Edrick was driving on the wrong side of the road, that they’d found an open bottle of Vodka in the front seat of his Cadillac. The news of my husband’s death had numbed me.
“We’re deeply sorry,” they’d said in unison.
I didn’t scream, but kept it together until they’d left. I’d gone to the bedroom and shut the door. I had grabbed the first thing that I could get my hands on, which was a lamp that was sitting on the nightstand next to Edrick’s side of the bed. I had taken it and thrown it at the mirror above the dresser. Glass had shattered to the floor. I could hear Kashawn and Deanthony crying in the next room. When I was done, the room was a mess, broken glass everywhere. My feet were bleeding from stepping in it, blood staining the carpet. I had looked down at my feet and felt that it was a pain I deserved for turning a blind eye to Edrick’s drinking, for not seeing the signs: him passed out in front of the TV with a bottle of gin at the foot of the sofa. I could smell booze on his breath in the middle of the afternoon, but I didn’t want to be one of those nagging wives who was always on her husband about this and that and the other.
They’d told me at Strong & Jones Funeral Home that Edrick’s face was so badly disfigured, they recommended a closed-casket funeral. Ms. Gertie had come to the house and stayed a few weeks to help me with the boys. She was my rock at the funeral. Without her, I don’t think I would have been able to keep it together. People who were friends of Edrick and loyal customers of the store had come up to me to offer their condolences. Some of them I had met at different gatherings like cookouts, dinners, and church functions.
The first time I had ever laid eyes on Ray-Ray, he was kneeling at the head of Edrick’s casket, crying harder than I had ever seen a man cry.
“Look at Ray up there, makin’ a fool outta himself,” I had heard Edrick’s busybody Aunt Millie say, who likes to talk mess about everybody.
It had taken everything in me to keep from hauling back and slapping the old bitch in the mouth. What kind of Christian are you to talk about your own nephew at his brother’s funeral? One of the ushers had escorted Ray through the rear of the church like they were embarrassed by his grieving.
“Ms. Gertie, watch the boys for me.”
As I had gotten up to go see how Ray-Ray was doing, I’d heard Millie say, “Where does she think she’s going?” That heifer was glad that I was in the Lord’s house.
Ray-Ray was leaning against an oak tree, his arm propped against the trunk.
“Hey, Ray, you doin’ all right?”
He had turned his six-two, 320-something-pound frame to face me, his round, fat face streaked with tears. I had never felt so sorry for anyone that day as I felt for Ray-Ray. I had pulled my handkerchief from the sleeve of my black dress and handed it to him.
“We didn’t talk for five years,” he’d said. “I fell into a bad crowd, started drinking too much. Ed was there when nobody else gave a damn.”
“So what happened between y’all?”
“He washed his hands of me after I stole from him.”
Edrick had spoken once or twice about Ray-Ray. Never much in detail, only that Ray-Ray didn’t come around much.
“Ed put up with a lot of my shit and I never got a chance to pay him back, to say that I’m sorry.”
“He knows. He’s looking down on you, and he knows.” He was this giant of a man who towered over me as I’d consoled him.
Ray-Ray started coming around the house more. He was so good with the boys, and I was more than happy to have him around, seeing as how they’d lost the only daddy they knew. We were the only family he’d had. Ray-Ray stayed in a one-bedroom place over on Saxton Street by himself. I’d told him he could move in with us if he didn’t drink.
“I haven’t had so much as a sip of anything for a year,” he’d told me.
The boys were smiling ear to ear when I’d told them that their uncle Ray-Ray would be staying with us. There was nothing he didn’t do for me and the boys.