I moved quickly down the stairs and patted Flora’s arm, eager to assuage the concern on her face. ‘It’s all right. He shouldn’t have put you in that position in the first place,’ I said, throwing Nate a look. He looked pained and I saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed.
‘I needed to see you. I left you a bunch of voicemails and you’re not answering your phone.’
‘I’ll leave you to it.’ Flora hugged me hard, before casting a glance up the stairs at where my mother was now stood at the top, watching our little tableau. Flora gave my hand a final squeeze then slipped back out of the front door, leaving Nate to close it behind her.
‘That was very unfair on Flora.’
‘I know. And believe me, I’m not proud of it and I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to her, but I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to see how you were, especially once I heard about this lot.’ He jabbed his thumb behind him towards the street. ‘And to apologise.’ He took a step towards me and I immediately took a step back. A muscle flickered in a jaw that clearly hadn’t seen a razor for a few days. I tried not to remember that part of that reason was because he’d been here, with me, and him being clean shaven was the last thing on either of our minds.
‘It’s of little consequence now,’ I said, attempting to make the words sound truthful. From the corner of my eye, I caught the look on Nate’s face and realised that strategy clearly hadn’t worked. Time for a more direct approach. ‘You should probably get back to your wife.’ I turned away from him and made to return up the stairs. Nate caught my arm.
‘Soph, please. I—’ He stopped, suddenly becoming aware that we had an audience. I took the opportunity to slide my wrist from where his hand still gently circled it and made my way up the stairs. My mother made no attempt to move as I re- entered the flat until she finally took the hint my glare conveyed. She stepped out of the way, and I made to push the internal door closed.
‘Soph, wait!’ Nate, who had followed me up the stairs, grabbed the side of the door. ‘Please!’
Had it been Jeremy, there was every chance I’d have considered, if not actually acted on, closing it anyway but I pulled the door open a little more, staying at the threshold, thereby keeping Nate out. He looked down at me and I gripped the door tighter, hating the tension now back in his body, the dark circles under his eyes that suggested there’d been little, if any, sleep last night. Having seen his wife in her clingy bandage dress, that particular fact wasn’t exactly a shock. However, that didn’t mean I needed it rubbed in my face.
‘You should go,’ I said, struggling to keep my voice strong.
‘Not until we’ve talked.’
‘There’s nothing to say.’
‘Yes, there is!’ He ran a hand back over his hair, his jaw tense with frustration. His other hand was still on the door, as if in readiness for me slamming it closed. The silence hung between us, heavy, and almost tangible.
‘I’ll be going now.’ My mother’s educated tones broke in as she approached us. ‘There’s obviously nothing I can say that’s going to make you see sense and come home with me.’
‘I am home, Mother.’
She gave the flat a cursory glance before her gaze landed on Nate, and lingered there for a few moments, curiosity clearly burning through her.
‘So. You must be the married man.’
‘Mother!’
Nate cleared his throat. ‘Not that I believe this is any of your business, but for the sole reason of Sophia not deserving the tone, or implication of that statement, I am separated. I’ve been so for nearly a year and divorce proceedings are progressing.’
My mother raised one eyebrow in interest before swinging her glance to me.
‘Goodbye, Mother,’ I said, before she could add anything else.
She held my gaze a moment and nodded. Nate stepped aside, and she made her way down the stairs and out into the street. I walked away from the door, leaving Nate to close it behind him whichever side he chose to be on. From the window I watched my mother return to her car, the door opened by her driver, before he returned to his place behind the wheel and drove off. Part of me wondered if I’d ever see her again. Another part wondered if I cared. Turning away from the window, I found that Nate had indeed stayed. He was studying me, concern written across his features.
‘You OK?’
I nodded.
‘So that’s your mum, eh?’
It sounded strange to hear her referred to as ‘mum’. She’d never been anything but Mother. Mum seemed far too informal and warm for the relationship we had – if you could even call it a relationship.
‘You shouldn’t have come here,’ I said, changing the subject, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible so that I could sit and work out exactly what it was I was supposed to do next. I’d told my mother I was home and that much was true but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stay after all this. I’d enjoyed my privacy and now that had been shattered and, worse, so had other people’s. I didn’t want that to be a lasting legacy of my time here.
‘I needed to see you.’
‘They’ll have your photograph now too,’ I said, waving my arm in the direction of the window. ‘Don’t you think I feel bad enough already?’
‘That was my choice.’
‘It wasn’t up to you, Nate!’
That stopped him and I couldn’t bear the pain on his face. I turned my own away and sat on the sofa. Hesitating a moment, he then sat next to me. Tentatively he touched my hand as it rested on my knee. Suddenly I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was to lean against his warm, solid body. Feel his arms wrap around me as they had at the weekend and sink down in the comfort and security – and what I knew now on my side was love – of that embrace. But I couldn’t. The weekend had merely been a brief sojourn into what might have been. The reality was here, now and far, far different.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t think that part through. I apologise if I’ve made any of this worse for you by coming here but I needed to see you were all right.’
What was the point of lying now?
‘No, Nate. I’m not all right. Not at the moment. But I will be.’ I took a deep breath and let it out. ‘I will. My life here has been turned upside down and I made that worse because I didn’t tell people the entire truth. At the time, I thought that was the best thing to do, and I had my reasons for that.’
‘Because you were trying to leave that part of your life behind.’
I lifted my head from where I’d been staring at a faded patch on the knee of my jeans. My gaze connected with his and I felt a flip in my stomach that I’d hoped had been extinguished.
‘Yes.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t come and meet you from the restaurant,’ he said, taking my hand in his own.
‘It’s fine. You had other things to do.’ I pulled my hand away, gently but firmly and tried to ignore the ripple of pain that crossed his face as I did so. Maybe he had felt something for me but that was all done now. It was in the past and he had a future to build back with Serena.
‘I should still have let you know I wasn’t coming instead of standing you up.’
I tried to laugh it off. ‘It was hardly being stood up.’ Except that’s exactly what it had felt like. Nate’s face told me he knew that too.
‘I shouldn’t have let you find out Serena was here the way you did. I should have warned you. Tried to explain.’
‘There’s nothing to explain, Nate. Nothing to say.’ I made to stand but he caught my hand again, not stopping me but almost as a question. A request. I sat down again.
‘I think there is.’ He paused, seeing if I would listen. When I made no further attempt to move, he continued. ‘I had no idea Serena was coming. She’d sent a couple of emails, which I deleted, and a couple of texts, which got the same treatment. I wasn’t interested in talking to her at all, let alone getting back together with her.’
I picked up on the past tense he used and felt something inside me crumble a little more.
‘The solicitor handling the divorce knew the only contact I wanted was to be through them. Serena didn’t even know where I was, and I knew none of my family would tell her and work are way too worried about privacy disclosures to let any information out, even to her.’
‘Corinne told her.’
He let out a sigh. ‘Yep. Man, those two are like peas in a pod.’
‘Apparently they’re very close Facebook friends now.’
‘So I heard. Except that hasn’t lasted very long.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yes. Things haven’t exactly gone to the plan Serena had laid out and, not being someone ever to blame herself, part of the blame for it has been fired back at Corinne who apparently should have contacted Serena sooner so that she could “save her marriage”. The fact it was already dead and buried is irrelevant. Corinne had no idea who she was getting mixed up with when she contacted Serena. I don’t think she knows what’s hit her. I could almost feel sorry for her if she hadn’t been instrumental in setting all these collision courses in action and hurting you.’
‘I’m fine.’ The statement was automatic. Some habits died harder than others.
Nate looked at me and I felt as though he could see straight through me, to inside me, where things were very much not fine. But I didn’t want him to see that. I needed that distance. But however much I didn’t want it, by the unhappy look on his face, he’d already seen.
‘I know there’s no excuse for how I acted when you came to the house. Serena showed up just as I was getting back from your place and I was still spinning if I’m honest. She turns up saying she wants to come back and how she realises now how good we were…’
I put a hand to my forehead, a headache now beginning to thump a repeat around my temples and above my eye.
‘Nate—’
‘Sorry. I’m not making a very good job of this.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘It does.’ His voice had a strength to it. I met his eyes. ‘It really matters.’
I sat back.
His thumb made a gentle pass over my palm and I tried to ignore all the things it made me feel, concentrating instead on what he was saying.
‘When I came here, when I met you first, I meant what I said. Gabe had been trying to get me to meet new people and so on, encourage me to go out but I really wasn’t interested. When he offered me this place, I was sceptical as I clumsily showed, but, from the horrified look on your face, I realised that I’d been a little too paranoid about my brother attempting to match-make.’
‘They just wanted to help you.’
‘Yeah, I know that now. Coming here has given me clarity in all sorts of ways.’
I thought back to what I’d told my mother, about having clarity. From what I knew about Holly’s experience coming here, she’d experienced something similar. It seemed that Wishington Bay had a very special, almost magical, quality.
‘Of course, once I’d made this big song and dance about not wanting to meet anyone, and you’d firmly, and quite rightly, put me in my place, I couldn’t get you out of my head. And the more I saw you, the more I wanted to see you, spend time with you. I finally began to feel like me again. The old me. All the knots began to unfurl, I began enjoying my work as well as appreciating my time here, and of course, I was loving Bryan’s company!’
‘Where is he?’
‘Carrie’s got him. I’m going back to collect him in a bit.’
I nodded.
‘All of that, all this new-found enjoyment, was down to you.’
I shook my head but Nate gently squeezed the hand he still held. ‘It was, Soph. You made me feel like me again. I’d forgotten what it was like to just be able to relax with someone, be myself, and feel that being myself was good enough. More than good enough.’
He shifted a little in his seat and turned towards me more. ‘The weekend? That was amazing. I mean, all of it. Working in Flora’s shop, sharing that time and that experience. It was wonderful. And if you’d have told me six months ago, I’d be dressing up like some Victorian gentleman, I’d have thought you were nuts. That’s really not my style.’
‘It suited you,’ I smiled a little sadly, thinking back to how good he had looked.
‘I liked it. It was fun. But then, everything was fun with you. It was easy. I never felt like I had to try. Leaving here that morning was so hard. I just wanted to be with you, and I couldn’t wait to see you again after your shift.’ His face darkened then, tension filling it. ‘And then, as I walked down the drive, a taxi pulled up and there was Serena. I had no idea she was coming and I didn’t want her here, tainting this place. Tainting all the good memories I was making.’
‘But you were too polite to tell her to leave.’
He flicked his startling blue gaze up from where he was gently running the pad of one finger over my thumbnail.
‘I was so shocked to see her, I don’t even remember what I said. But Serena has a tendency to take over, and before I knew it she was in the house, making herself at home. Telling me that she missed me, that the fling with the tennis guy was all over and it had only been a,’ he paused. ‘Now, how did she put it? “A desperate, selfless attempt to get you to notice me again”.’
‘Wow.’
‘Yeah. I know.’
‘From what I saw, she’s pretty hard not to notice.’
‘I bent over backwards for that woman. And I didn’t care. I just wanted to make her happy. But I realise now that nothing would. And that our whole marriage, our whole relationship, had been about me making her happy, us doing things she wanted to do. There was no give and take. I was so crazy about her I didn’t see it, but everyone else did. But I definitely see it now.’
‘Maybe she did feel you weren’t noticing her? It can feel like that once you’ve been in a relationship or married for a while.’
‘Serena always made a point of being noticed. It was nothing to do with that, trust me. She just liked the attention and her tennis coach is pretty charismatic, which, as you’ve noticed, isn’t exactly one of my top qualities.’ He did a half smile and I knew he wasn’t just fishing for compliments.
‘You do yourself an injustice.’
Our eyes met and tenderly he leant his head against mine for a moment.
‘Tennis Guy just got fed up with her constant demands. The sheen had worn off for him and he broke it off. Of course, then she panicked and thought she’d come back to me. I’d always taken her back before. Why not this time?’
‘She’d done this before?’
‘A few times. Never actually shacked up with a bloke before, but stormed off, saying she was leaving. Anyway, she just assumed that’s how it would be and came here, and started acting as if she owned the place, and told me about all these plans she had for us to do this, that and the other. None of which, I have to say, appealed to me. There was no discussion. There wasn’t even an apology. She just slotted herself right back into position as if she’d never left.’
I swallowed. That was exactly how it had seemed when I’d called on Nate that day as the snow fell round me. Serena had stood there, her arm possessively around his waist, dictating what I should and shouldn’t cook and looking for all the world like she owned the place.
‘Except she didn’t fit any longer.’
I met Nate’s eyes.
‘It didn’t feel right. I knew as soon as she got out of the taxi I wouldn’t take her back this time. Other times, I’d always been partly relieved to see her back. But this time, I felt… nothing.’
‘But when I came… she looked… I mean, you looked…’
He let out a sigh. ‘Serena’s pretty sharp in a lot of ways. And I’m sure Corinne had filled her in to some extent too. I’m a bank account and an easy life to Serena, and she wasn’t about to let that go easily so she steamrollered her way through, just like she always does. And fool that I am, I’ve always just laid down and let it happen before. But this time it was different. This time I knew what love should feel like and this was nothing like it.’
‘Love?’ I asked, the word breaking as I said it.
His hand cupped my cheek. ‘Yes. Love.’
‘But when I came…’ My stomach was performing backward flips but I was still confused.
‘I know. I was so caught up with telling Serena that it was definitely over, and her screaming back at me that it wasn’t and nobody but her decides things are over, and how dare I – you get the picture. Then when she saw that wasn’t working, she tried the charm tactic.’ He raised a brow. ‘Sadly for her, that charm had long worn off for me. But just trying to get her to listen and, more importantly, leave was stressing me out. And then you arrived.’
‘I hadn’t meant to interrupt anything.’
‘I know. Like I said, I should have messaged you, but I was still trying to find which way was up. All I wanted to do was pull you to me and hold you and wish the rest of it away but I know how devious Serena can be. I had to hold back because I didn’t want you drawn into things any more than was necessary. Of course, I didn’t know Corinne had told her I was seeing someone then. But the way she spoke to you, ordering you about, I couldn’t take it and I was just about to say something when she recognised you.’
‘I had planned to tell you. I promise.’
He nodded.
‘With everything else spinning in my head, it threw me. All of a sudden, I felt like maybe I’d been stupid again. That what we’d had was a lie too. That you’d kept secrets from me and the woman I’d fallen in love with wasn’t who I thought she was.’
The tears had welled in my eyes at his words, and my throat felt sore and tight. ‘The only difference is that my real name is a bit longer than I originally said. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.’
His hand rose again to my face, his thumb brushing away a stray tear. ‘I know that now. I reacted badly, and for that I’ll never forgive myself. My relationship with Serena had made me jump to the wrong conclusions about everything, and I am so worried I’ve ruined what we had by acting like I did. There’s no excuse.’
‘The way you looked at me…’ I swallowed. ‘It hurt so much…’ The pain in his eyes showed me he knew that. And that he cared deeply that he had. ‘But I understand too. When we’re in a difficult situation we don’t always act in the most rational way.’
He dropped his hand and shook his head. ‘Don’t forgive me.’
‘What?’
‘You can’t just forgive me like that. That easily. You’re supposed to stamp and scream and, I don’t know, do something.’
I frowned, half laughing, half crying. ‘That’s not really my style. And why shouldn’t I forgive you? You apologised and explained and even faced an unruly mob of reporters to come to me.’
‘But I’m not sure I deserve it.’ He tilted his head, then leant it against mine. ‘I’m not sure I deserve you.’
I pushed him back gently. ‘Both of us have had bad relationships and those leave scars. All we can do is try to learn and heal from those. We’re bound to muck up sometimes. That’s human nature. But if we’re truly sorry, and we grow from it, there’s no reason to keep being made to pay for it.’
‘What did I ever do to deserve meeting you?’
I lowered my eyes and concentrated on his large, strong hand holding mine.
‘Where’s Serena now?’
‘On a plane back home, I imagine. Although I screwed it up, seeing you at that moment was the best thing that could have happened. It gave me that clarity I was talking about. I told Serena it was over once and for all and that I’d pay for her flight back home and call her a cab. A mate of mine is the divorce lawyer. I spoke to him straight after, asking him to gee things along a bit. The fact that he’d said “about time” when I rang him initially about all this probably gives you some idea of what the few friends I’ve managed to hang on to thought about my marriage.’
‘No one can really judge anyone else’s relationship properly. It’s all relative to how they see it, and that can sometimes be quite different to how those involved see it.’
‘That’s true. Although, on this occasion, I have to concede he was right.’
I smiled, but my stomach was still in knots. There was a question to ask and, although it was gnawing at me, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the answer. Still, I had to ask.
‘So, what happens now?’
‘That depends on you.’
‘Me?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
Nate let out a sigh. ‘Because if all this has shown me one thing, apart from how I can act like a complete idiot at times, it’s that somewhere along the line, I’ve fallen completely, head over heels, absolutely madly in love with you. And right now, I’m not entirely sure what to do about it.’
‘Oh,’ I replied. Good to see that my expensive education was coming into its own right now.
‘When I told Serena to leave, she started harping on about how you’d lied to me and that you would again. The fact that she could say all that with a straight face amazed me but still… But you never lied to me. I realised that almost as soon as I’d shut the door and possibly messed up the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You never lied to any of us. You just kept certain things private, and that’s your prerogative. Those things don’t make any difference to who you are, or who you’ve been to everyone here.’
‘How did she know who I was?’
‘She’s always been obsessed by English aristocracy for some reason. Reads all the gossip and magazines and all the who’s who stuff. It’s always been a thing of hers. I think ideally she’d have loved to land a duke or something.’
‘I guess that explains things. It’s a shame she wasn’t nicer to me. I know a few I could have introduced her to.’
The smile I loved appeared then. ‘God, how I’d love to tell her that.’
I giggled and he continued. ‘Anyway, she’s banging on about this and she starts pulling up all these photos of you. The thing is, all she did by that was strengthen my resolve to see you, apologise and try and do everything I could to fix this.’
‘Why? I mean, why did the photos help?’
His hand stroked gently back over my hair, his eyes momentarily following its track before they focused back on me.
‘Because one of the first things I fell in love with, apart from your spark, was your smile. And in not one of those photos she showed me were you really smiling. I mean, not properly. You looked absolutely perfect and your gorgeous mouth was in the right shape. But there was nothing here.’ Gently he laid both his hands on my temples, the thumbs settling beside my eyes. ‘There was no sparkle.’
‘That’s because I don’t think I found it until I came here.’
‘I know the feeling.’ He let out a sigh, shaking his head gently. ‘Can you forgive me?’
The answer to that one was easy. ‘I already said I did.’
He grinned. ‘I was just double checking.’
I met his eyes. ‘But I live here. I love it here.’ I knew now I wanted to stay, whatever happened with the press. I’d deal with them and move on and, in time, they’d forget about me as they moved on to the next person to hound. I’d built a life here. One I loved and one I wanted to continue to build on. I also knew that I wanted Nate in it. But there was the small matter of thousands of miles between our respective homes…
‘I know. I love it here too. And I’ve done some research, and because of my heritage, and some work opportunities, staying here won’t be a problem. But only if you want me to.’
‘Oh, Nate… of course I want you to!’ Emotion cracked my voice as he pulled me towards him, his embrace so tight I had to make an effort to breathe, but I didn’t want him to let go. Not now. Not ever.
‘I don’t know how all this will work out. All I know is that I want it to.’ His voice softened as he pulled back and looked at me. ‘God, Soph. I want this to work out more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life.’
I smiled through the haze of tears, my expression telling him I felt the same.
His kiss was soft, tender and as he wrapped me back in his arms, and I leant against his chest, I could feel the steady beat of his heart. It was soothing and I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. And with the man I was supposed to be there with.
‘So, what can I do about those hounds out there?’ he asked as I eventually sat back.
‘Nothing,’ I said, feeling a surge of love for him because he wanted to. ‘But don’t worry about that. I’ve had an idea.’